it began with this:

i mean, of course!

that’s right, tim & co. chose to launch the festival by dressing up like vikings and singing a led zeppelin song. and if you’re thinking, “wait, WHAT NOW?” then WELCOME TO FANTASTIC FEST:

this ridiculousness was immediately followed by a boy’s choir hired to serenade the audience for the premiere of “let me in.” which not only tells you a lot about the schizophrenia of the festival but also led to my favorite moment backstage:

SCARRED 4 LIFE.

henri and i caught the second show of the night, “buried,” which i was kind of scared to watch but OMG RYAN REYNOLDS WAS GONNA BE THERE so, in honor of the abs, i persevered. and guess what? the movie was actually pretty awesome! and i mean awesome in a terrifying, awful, nightmares for the rest of my life kind of way. then, after the screening, tim came out for a Q&A with rodrigo cortes, the director, and MR. HOTTIE MCREYNOLDS!

you guys, ryan reynolds is pretty tall. and also SMOKIN HOT (but duh! you already know that). he was super charming during the Q&A, even when he was whining about the challenge of filming an entire movie inside of a coffin:

ok, ok, i feel bad for you, ryan. esp. cos now you and yr glorious physique will never grace a beach again:

but the best thing that happened with ryan reynolds (OMG I LOVE TYPING THAT) occurred on the red carpet before the screening, when henri got to interview him (!!) and ask him THE BEST QUESTION EVER. no, it wasn’t “will you let my girlfriend touch yr arm?” so, ok, SECOND best question (it’s at the end):

RYAN REYNOLDS TOUCHED HENRI’S STOMACH. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is just one of the many randomly amazing things that happens every year at fantastic fest.

another even GREATER example is the appearance of my old pal, bill pullman! you may recall his epic driskell party of ’08, and apparently he remembered it (?!) as well, cos he came back! and since he’s such a nice guy, he even watched master pancake mock one of the best films in his repertoire: “independence day.” in case you need a reminder of bill’s presidential skills, here’s the audience quoting along to his big moment in the movie, aka THE MOST INSPIRING PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH EVER GIVEN:

you may be thinking, “posh, what could possibly top that moment?!” well, i’ll show you! check out bill reading the speech written for him by master pancake, in which he rouses the spirit of the crowd with ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

and that’s not all bill p. did for the alamo. ooooh no. he also agreed to watch “spaceballs” for the first time SINCE IT CAME OUT! and even though that’s a pretty long time, i was relieved to know that lone star’s fighting skills are still outta this world:

per fantastic fest tradition (i really love saying something is a tradition even if it’s only happened once before, cos it makes it feel more meaningful, you know?), we headed over to bill’s hotel room at the driskell for the after-party. we were joined by lots of my fave austin pantsers, plus some out of towners like miss amber b!

because reeves and i are secretly six years old and can’t help ourselves, we immediately tried on the fancy hotel robes.

bill followed our lead, but because he’s bill, he managed to make it look less slumber party and more stately.

and because this is a fantastic fest party, things, of course, got a little cray…

… so after a v. polite complaint, we moved to a place where no one was trying to hate fun sleep: reeves’ store, plain ivey jane!

y’all, i gotta say, chic boutiques are IDEAL for after-after-parties. not only could we be as LOUD AS WE WANTED TO BE, but i also felt super cosmo! i mean, look at these people. they are the HEIGHT of sophistication.

because the only seat in the whole place was in the dressing room, and i REALLY had to sit down, i started feeling like an old gypsy woman (naturally!). and if there’s one thing old gypsy women do, it’s read palms. so even though i don’t know shizz about palmistry, i started giving people at the party insanely amazing palm readings. i mean, one look at meredith’s face and you KNOW i gave her an excellent future full of romance, overflowing riches and YES MAYBE EVEN A UNICORN.

i seriously think i read every single person’s palm at the party, and i even read karrie’s taco from TC (that took a lot of spiritual focus, lemme tell you). given my current salary, i really should set up my own business and start wearing lots of scarves and eyeliner and oooh maybe even a wig! i’ve already got photos of my most famous clients to display in the lobby!

photos provided by erik. thanks mister!

the dude in this photo is elijah wood, although unfortunately his face is overshadowed by my MYSTIC STARE:

he ate up every word, btw. EVERY WORD.

with no one to call and complain, the party got MAJORLY OTC, as all after-after-parties should. we really made r. kelly proud!

thanks to superstar pants reeves, our gracious hostess, this turned out to be my favorite party of the fest, as you probably already concluded, because i just showed you lots of crazy pictures. but also cos you’re smart! don’t underestimate yrself!

the next day at lunch, henri and i asked bill what he wanted to do for the rest of the day. his reply? “ZIPLINING!”

so… we went ziplining!

i know, how cute are we? how cute and DARING?!!!!

this is actually the same place we journeyed to for the indiana jones rolling roadshow, but it felt like a whole new experience this time around! first, because the sun was up, and second, because BILL PULLMAN!

it is really hard not to look dorky in those helmets, but we tried. ok, well, *i* tried. these guys… not so much.

i didn’t think the day could possibly get any better, but then we went to the stephen f. austin bar and bill pullman ordered mac & cheese! HE ORDERED MAC AND CHEESE. YOU GUYS. WHAT. THE. WHAT.

BEST PICTURE OF THE FESTIVAL (so far in this blog post).

we ended up at the highball for some karaoke, which quickly devolved, as it always does, into sheer, unbridled CRAZY CRAY CRAY. check out henri, tim, elijah, the RZA (yeah, he was there too! i know, right?!), mike and nacho tear up some black eyed peas:

i’d like to note that halfway through this song, tim threw his belt into the audience and directly into my face. THANKS TIM.

it was a tough act to follow, but jenny, meredith and i are totes karaoke professionals. so professional, in fact, that we brought up our own back-up dancers: erik, logan and bill! and by the end of the song, it most certainly was raining men on that stage:

by this point, you can probably guess what we did after karaoke. here’s a hint: it’s a fantastic fest tradition!

that’s right, smarty pants, we had a party at bill’s hotel room! and for that night, he’d moved to the governor’s suite at the stephen f. austin, which meant it was an ULTRA DIGNIFIED SOIREE! the curtains alone gave meredith some serious scarlett o’hara visions:

the hotel staff was ridiculously nice to us and said we could have whatever we wanted, cos we were in the governor’s suite! unfortunately, no one else wanted a hedge maze, so we just got lots of glasses and mixers instead:

i actually excused myself from the party early (well, by alamo standards), because my pants were fantastic fested out! but i will leave you with this “hey, we’re in the governor’s suite, let’s take some silly photos!” picture, which is my most favorite photograph from the entire festival and maybe even of all time, because it is just so FULL OF WIN:

bill pullman, i would so totally vote for you for governor. and then OMG pants world could be yr legislature and we could pass a bill to make mac & cheese the official state food and then pass another bill to make fantastic fest last ALL YEAR LONG and then we would probably die. but still. it would be the best government EVER.

so here’s to you, fantastic fest 2010! thanks for karaoking, dancing, palm-reading and ziplining MY PANTS OFF. i’ll see you next year, after i’ve slept a billion hours. STAY CRAZY!

i kind of hate you.

ok, so, have you seen that movie “old school”? well, you’re like a combo of vince vaughn and will ferrell. you tempt me with awesome parties and ridiculous hijinks and basically SLAY ME WITH AWESOME. but then the next day, i have to wake up and return to my normal life and pretend like i didn’t spend the previous night watching japanese people karaoke and hanging out with eric from true blood in the walk-in freezer and IT’S HARD AND MY HEAD HURTS, OK?!! OK?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

fantastic fest, i love you but… you will be the death of me.

forever yrs,
*posh d. luxe

seriously, y’all, fantastic fest just about killed me this year. but fortunately for you (and me, OBVS!), i lived to tell the tale! or at least, what is fit to broadcast to strangers on the internet. so wheeeee let’s get started!

THURSDAY NIGHT

the festival began with a bang in the form of jemaine clement, who arrived at the paramount looking V. SNAZZY INDEED for the premiere of “gentlemen broncos.”

(photo by david hill copyright 2009)

i know i’m not alone in saying that i really, really wanted to touch his velvet jacket. and just cos velvet is soft! no other reason!

btw, next year i think fantastic fest should invite commentary from the fug girls. cos, hello, it IS a red carpet event! you can see it in the picture, so you know it’s legit. on the other hand, given that the rest of the audience is composed of film geeks, this might not be such a great idea. although i didn’t see ANY leggings, and i’m pretty sure everyone was wearing underwear, so i’d say fantastic fest shows would at least get a lower fug rating than, say, the premiere of “i know who killed me.”

speaking of glam, the paramount is the perfect place for a big time film premiere, cos it’s all classy and fancy pants. it’s like straight out of that scene in “annie” where daddy warbucks takes annie to the movies! minus the dancing ushers, although i have the feeling some of those old ladies still know how to shake what their mamas gave ‘em.

(photo by david hill copyright 2009)

while waiting for the film to start, i managed to engage sam rockwell in a brief conversation that went something like this:

(man makes his way through empty row where sarah is sitting)

sarah: hey, please don’t step on my beer (points to beer can on the ground)

(man carefully avoids beer and continues on his way)

20 minutes later

sarah: OMG THAT WAS SAM ROCKWELL!!!!

(photo by david hill copyright 2009)

thanks, sam rockwell, for not stepping on my beer! you’re awesome!

unfortunately, the movie itself was… not so awesome. i just felt like it was trying too hard to be weird. with that said, i still think “gentlemen broncos” is worth seeing solely to experience jemaine clement as dr. ronald chevalier, outrageously egotistical sci-fi hack and one of the best film characters of ALL TIME. even if you’re not a scifi/fanatasy nerd like i am, you will go bananas for the scene in which chevalier illustrates how to transform a humdrum character name into a magical moniker simply by adding prefixes like “onium” or “ificus” to the end which then devolves into a fight about troll name derivation. honestly, if the movie had been all dr. ronald chevalier, all of the time, i think *somebody* would’ve had an oscar on their hands.

jemaine even did the intro in character, complete with his cropped leather jacket, pointless bluetooth headpiece and his deep alan-rickman-style voice.

(photo by david hill copyright 2009)

after the movie, i ran into erica, who cuts my hair in houston and just happens to be completely badass. girlfriend don’t not take shizz from NOBODY. when she was in high school, she used to write people’s names on her t-shirts and then, when they asked her, “why is my name on yr shirt?” she’d respond, “because i hate you.”

DANG!

i ended up giving erica and her friends a ride to the highball, which is FINALLY OPEN YOU GUYS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR FOREVER!!!!!!!

and it is just as ritzy and swanky as i dreamed it would be. seriously, if i told you this place used to be a salvation army, you would give me the crazy eye.

(photo by mary sledd)

I KNOW, RIGHT? everything is black and red and gold and v. mad men-y. and did i mention the vintage bowling lanes?!!

(photo by mary sledd)

yeah, that’s henri, wearing his gold jacket cos he likes to match fancy things.

the other side of the bar features a sweet dance floor complete with a stage and INSANE LASERS!!!!

y’all, i think this might be my new home (until i move to harry potter world, of course).

in honor of the popcorn balls featured in the movie, there was a station where you could make popcorn scupltures. jasmine made a skull! yay!

there was also a photo booth with a battle stag, a prominent feature of the sci fi stories in “gentlemen broncos.”

um, you guys know how i feel about pictures, so of course henri and i had to get snapped on top of the stag.

awww!! battle stag love bombs away!!!

everyone seemed to enjoy themselves immensely at the opening night party, although i think erica had the Night of Her Life cos she ended up talking to jemaine!! what WHAT!! and i guarantee you her conversation was better than my exchange with sam rockwell.

FRIDAY

i started off my afternoon with “cropsey,” a documentary that highlights society’s need for urban legends by exploring the disappearances of several children on staten island. it was sad and compelling and depressing and um, yeah, totally terrifying (walking through an abandoned mental hospital? easiest route to HEEBIE JEEBIES) . i definitely recommend it! check out the trailer:

then it was time for the “zombieland” premiere back at the paramount! i’d seen the trailer for the movie, plus i um totally heart jesse eisenberg, so i was definitely excited.

there were people from zombie manor giving audience members free makeovers, which i politely declined cos has no one heard about clogged pores? also, it turns out that people in zombie make-up are even more annoying than real zombies. they just walk around and bump into you and moan but, unlike the real thing, you can’t punch them out of self-defense. you just have to put up with them. GAH.

(photo by mary sledd)

the director and main cast eventaully arrived, except for abigail breslin, who is apparently working on another film cos her parents believe in child labor. LOOK HOW CUTE JESSE EISENBERG IS!!!!

“

(photo by mary sledd)

why yes he DOES have his jacket tied around his waist!!!

then the movie began, and let’s just say i was NOT disappointed. in fact, I HAD THE BEST TIME!!!!! “zombieland” is hilarious and ridiculous and wild and oh man there are some AWESOME zombie death scenes. in fact, it almost makes me wish there was a real zombie apocalypse so i could hang out with woody harrelson and search for twinkies. and that’s saying a lot you guys cos zombies are gross and i don’t even like twinkies that much.

also i won’t give it away but BEST CAMEO EVER. like, they should create a new academy award category just for the person who appears in this movie.

seriously, when it comes out, GO SEE IT. IMMEDIATELY. and YOU’RE WELCOME.

afterwards, henri did a fabulous and v. dr. professional job of moderating the Q&A. look at him!

(photo by mary sledd)

this was one of the best Q&As i have ever seen, and i’m not just saying that cos i’m dating the moderator. jesse eisenberg was HILARIOUS, and woody harrelson was completely stoned. it was obvious that the cast had a super fun time making the movie together, and now i’m really sad that i didn’t get to take them to uchi afterwards so we could become BFFs.

the best question was the last one, when someone asked, “so, who supplied the weed?” (there’s a brief pot scene in the movie). without hesitation, jesse said, “abigail breslin.”

HOLLA!!!

after the movie, we headed back to the highball for the japan party, which is basically just an excuse for festival-goers to go cray cray with the cast and crew of the japanese movies featured at fantastic fest.

the party began with some karaoke and then cranked it up with a samurai call contest, which involves people yelling “SAMURAI!!” and being judged by two japanese directors who don’t really speak english. in other words, it is GREAT.

here’s an example of a “good” samurai call:

now, that may seem easy peasy, but don’t be fooled! here’s an example of just how tricky the contest can be:

this samurai-wannabe learned the hard way after he threw the microphone on the floor:

and, finally, here’s my favorite samurai call of the night, performed by the larger than life (and i mean that in a hardcore way, not the backstreet way), muy loco spanish director, nacho:

then it was time for japanese karaoke!!! i found out that if you want to have the best dance party in the world, you need to invite japanese people. sorry, pants world, but given that dance parties are my main passion in life, i gotta stay true to my dreams and find some new japanese friends like these folks:

guess who has more fun than those guys? NO ONE.

the night ended with… and i never, ever imagined that i would write this sentence but, ok, the night ended with a totally awesome pole dance.

i know, i know, that sounds weird. and maybe pervy. but seriously, it was AMAZING. so one of the actresses from “robogeisha” (best title ever, and yes, you should watch the trailer) is, like, reeeeally into pole dancing, so much so that she travels with her own portable pole. I AM NOT KIDDING.

fortunately, her relationship with the pole is less gentlemen’s club and more gymnastics, cos she pretty much brought down the house with her performance. unfortunately, a stupid press camera guy started standing in front of me (RUDE), so i lost a good deal of my view after the first minute or so. i did manage to capture the beginning of her dance, though, so you can get the idea:

the whole portable pole thing doesn’t seem so crazy anymore, does it? cos WOW.

and don’t worry (SPOILER ALERT), you’ll see this gymnast pants again…

and so ends my first half of fantastic fest. score:

fantastic fest: alive and kicking
posh d. luxe: barely breathing thanks to insane japanese dance party and brush with annoying zombies

to be continued!

stay tuned for john c. reilly! eric from “true blood”! michael jackson dance extravaganza!