That’s the name of the Vancouver cop show I’m going to make, about Det. Jack Groove, a bad-tempered, good-hearted cop who’s not afraid to tussle with scary Canadian hooligans. It’s also what Matt and I did for 5 glorious days last week! I miss it, you guys. I really, really miss it.

There’s a LOT of food and beer to get into here, so let’s get started!

Day One! I bought this hat as soon as I arrived. I named it “Hatley.”

Matt and I split a delicious burger and poutine (a Canadian delicacy, if you aren’t aware, of french fries topped with fresh cheese curds, gravy and awesomeness) from kick-ass retro diner Hamburger Mary’s, a block away from our adorable little VRBO condo (pics at the link) in the wonderful gayborhood of Davie Village. The condo was two blocks from all the shops and restaurants on one side, and two blocks from the gorgeous beach on the other. Here’s the view from the rooftop patio of the condo:

We spent the remainder of the day (we arrived around 2pm) just walking around and getting acclimated to the neighborhood. That night, a few blocks from our condo, we walked to the charming Mis Trucos, where we enjoyed a 6-course tasting dinner and a bottle of champagne. I cannot BELIEVE I forgot to take food pictures that first day, so you’ll have to use your imaginations coupled with my unerring memory for yumminess. Course 1: a crispy breaded prawn with aioli. Course 2: octopus with spicy tomato foam. Course 3: Creamy corn bisque. Course 4: Truffled lobster risotto, AKA all three of my favorite words married in one tremendous dish, topped with crème fraiche. Course 5: Ribeye with gnocchi and mushrooms. Course 6: Chocolate something or other which I couldn’t even touch because I was STUFFED. Then we walked to 1181, the gay bar with the BEST DRINKS IN THE WORLD. Check out the Gay Peari on the menu. Best name ever!

Day Two!

We started with breakfast at Hamburger Mary’s. I had the Mexican omelette, which is funny because I live right next to Mexico and Vancouver is pretty far away from it. That didn’t stop the Mexican omelette from being AMAZING(ly huge).

I actually put a serious dent in that plate, and our waitress told me I did a good job! Matt had this:

Then we went to the Vancouver Aquarium. I *love* aquariums and VanAqua is the best one I’ve ever visited. We spent hours and hours there!

We watched a 4D movie about the shallow seas! No, nerds, the fourth dimension was not time, but rather shaky seats and water splashing our faces.

The aquarium has beluga whales, otters, dolphins and sea lions in their gorgeous outdoor tanks. We took lots of videos, but I forgot to upload them in time for this post. Rest assured, they were all adorable and/or majestic.

That evening we walked to Yaletown for dinner. Vancouver is incredibly easy to maneuver, one of my favorite things about it. We could walk or take public transportation almost everywhere. Davie Village is a great place to stay because it’s so central (and cool). We stopped by the Yaletown Brewery for a brown ale (Matt) and a hefeweizen (me).

Then we walked to Blue Water Cafe + Raw Bar, which won Best Restaurant of the Year and a whole bunch of other well-deserved accolades. There, I proceeded to stuff myself so full of oysters and sashimi, particularly toro (my fave), that I spent the rest of the evening moaning in half misery, half bliss.

Day Three!

The following day we grabbed some road pastries, hopped in the car and did something incredibly dorky. We went on a Smallville pilgrimmage! Yes, we are grown-ups who watch Smallville…religiously. It films in Vancouver and this is the last season, so we checked out some of the haunts.

The Kent Farm, which looks EXACTLY LIKE the Kent Farm on the show!

Here it is on the show:

Here it is in real life:

We then drove to nearby Cloverdale, where they film the Smallville Main Street scenes. Adorbs!

From the show:

From our trip:

While in Cloverdale, we ate at this tiny little deli that was decorated like my grandma’s house, and Matt had a delicious meal of perogis and cabbage rolls. (I had the tuna sandwich and clam chowder, also delicious, no pic.)

Throughout the trip, just by virtue of being in Vancouver, we also stumbled on the Luthor Corp building, the Luthor Corp plant, the Daily Planet, and Smallville High School!

That afternoon we drove to Kitsilano, a fun shopping neighborhood. I ate this mint chocolate chip cupcake, which was rather tasty although a little denser than I generally like my cupcakes.

That was the coldest day. The weather was always chilly, but we were dressed for it and perfectly comfortable the whole trip–particularly the last two days, when the sun started shining.

That evening we headed to Gastown for dinner and beers at Six Acres, a cozy pub with a terrific beer selection, recommended to us by Matt’s Beer Advocate magazine. With the rain on the cobbled streets and the old-fashioned lanterns outside, this  place was a warm and snug haven.

We shared a large bottle of saison and the bratwurst plate, with artisan sauerkraut, two kinds of homemade mustard, gerkins and hard rolls:

and the mac and cheese. The entire meal was TO DIE FOR. I just really miss it, you guys.

Day Four!

We walked to the notorious Elbow Room Café for breakfast. They had a bunch of crotchety rules and a super grumpy owner who liked to harass us for being from Texas, thanks to George Bush. I was therefore afraid to take pictures of our food, but I had this:

and a giant mimosa. Both were divine. Matt had:

and a very spicy bloody Mary. We then walked to the ferry stop to take an aquabus to Granville Island Public Market!

Granville Island is touristy, but super cute and fun. And the public market is STUFFED with tasty business.

We grabbed some picnic supplies, but first stopped by the Granville Island Brewery for a tasting.

Verdict: they were all delicious! This doggy was there.

Vancouver is such a dog city! There were dogs everywhere, but I was generally too busy petting them to take many pictures.

We missed the brewery tour that day, so we arranged to come back the following day. We bought a couple of go beers and had a picnic on the water!

That picnic was so, so rad. We then took the ferry back to Davie Village and walked to the beach, as the sun had really started shining by that point.

We headed back to Gastown that evening and hit up the Steamworks Brewing Company. Very nice beers and a huge brewhouse. And then we walked back to Six Acres, because we were OBSESSED. Matt had this stout:

and I had a very dry English cider, just like I like ‘em:

We split the sliders, the shoestring fries and the very tangy, sweet and sour wings. Every bite was heavenly, as our first meal had taught us to expect:

Day Five!

We walked to La Brasserie for one of the highest-rated-by-me brunches of our respective lives. Matt had this beer:

and he was happy about it:

I had a mimosa the color of lemonade because it was mostly champagne, as they all should be:

We split the oysters:

the French toast with caramelized apples, caramel sauce and a raspberry reduction:

and the truffle oil poutine with poached eggs, twice smoked bacon and hollandaise:

LORDY IT WAS ALL AMAZING! Look at these happy plates!

We then walked back to the ferry stop and took the ferry this time to Granville Island to check out the brewery tour.

As with all brewery tours, it was fun, informative and it concluded with free beer. We walked to a milliner’s shop, where Matt bought this fine handmade, one-of-a-kind hat made by a man right in Vancouver.

We went to the Kid’s Market where I delighted in using the kid’s entrance.

What does that name mean? Does it refer to something? It sounds like it should be familiar, but it isn’t.

I had gelato, and Matt had a candy kebob.

We then took a ferry around to see some more of this stunning city.

That evening we met our friend Sophia at The Clubhouse for beer and okonomiyaki, one of my favorite dishes.

And with that messy pile of deliciousness, we concluded our trip to Vancouver. The next morning we woke up ass-early to go to the airport and fly home. But our Continental points allowed us to upgrade to first class, so that was still fun! I can’t recommend Vancouver more highly. It’s one of the coolest cities, if not the very coolest, I’ve ever visited. It’s just fun and EASY, so incredibly relaxed. Everyone there is outrageously friendly and, as I mentioned before, it’s a breeze to get around. I want to go back IMMEDIATELY and writing this blog didn’t help. I miss you, The Couv! I’ll be back to film my cop show as soon as I can!

but that is EXACTLY why you need my guide to camping. see, i recently journeyed to the small town of shelby, outside of brenham, to celebrate the birthday of matt, The Bearded [But Currently Just Mustachioed] One. and this experience proved that ANYONE, even a big weenie pants like me, can enjoy camping. all you have to do is gather these necessary ingredients!

THE ESSENTIALS:

1. PANTSERS, of course!

because even REI hasn’t figured out how to make camping equipment that can drink with you, convo with you and, most importantly, make you laugh til you snort beer out of yr nose.

2. A GOURMET CHEF

after friendship, food is the most vital ingredient for camping survival. i realize not everyone is lucky enough to have a friend like matt, who not only cooks delicious food but is willing to do so, for everyone, on his own freaking birthday, but THAT’S WHY YOU NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH MATT. i mean, besides the obvious reason that he is awesome.

3. A RELIABLE TENT

yeah, after seeing the magically palatial tents in the harry potter movies, the FYA ladies were NOT impressed with the muggle version.

4. A FIRE CIRCLE

in addition to providing warmth, the fire offers a gathering place for community building, i.e. shooting the shizz and playing drinking games. and for ray specifically, it’s the perfect excuse for burning anything he can get his hands on. RAY PLEASE STOP PUTTING THINGS IN THE FIRE.

so, those are the bare bones of a great camping trip. but if you want to make it AWESOME, you gotta add…

BONUS ITEMS (organized by category):

FOOD & BEVERAGES

1. S’MORES MAJOR DUH.

like you need an explanation for why roasted marshmallows combined with chocolate and graham crackers is a good idea, but IF YOU DO, crazy person, just see m’elle’s face.

2. CHAMP CANS!

i love the versatility of champ cans. they work equally as well at fancy pants parties AND rustic getaways. chameleonic but always classy, they’re like the meryl streep of adult beverages.

3. A MASTER BARTENDER

the size of that shaker alone should tell you that eric means SERIOUS BUSINESS. as for the contents, well, i’m pretty sure the town of shelby ain’t never seen fancy bloody marys like this:

4. CHILI’S

i know what you’re thinking. “but, sarah, chili’s is a RESTAURANT. that totally doesn’t count as camping.” to which i would respond: WHO’S GUIDE IS THIS? simmer down and let me explain. see, chili’s is the kind of restaurant that becomes insanely amazing only on v. specific occasions, and camping is one of them (the other is the airport). just TRUST.

ENTERTAINMENT

1. PRETTY SCENERY

sure, there’s no water in that lake, but do meredith and erica mind? not at all! because just being out in nature makes people feel all introspective and reflective and then friendship time feels even more special! YAY!

2. DOGGIES

we had a LOT of dogs running around all weekend, being all excited and waggy and adorable. and just like staring at the fire, watching dogs NEVER gets old. never.

pro-tip: add some ridiculous boys to the mix, and the entertainment value goes straight through the roof.

3. SHOOTING STUFF

you guys look i shot a gun! in fact, i shot TWO guns, a 22 and a shotgun. and it was fun! i hit some old cans! and a bucket! and the dirt! but even while shooting, you can see by the picture that i still tried to stay as far away from the gun as possible, because they’re dangerous, kids! and just so everyone (i.e. dad) knows, ray and matt were v. v. safety conscious, and everyone was super careful and no one got hurt, besides those cans that I TOTALLY KILLED.

4. AN ELECTRIC FENCE

y’all, if i lived in the country, i wouldn’t even own a TV– i’d just install lots of electrical fences and invite people over to double dare each other to touch them. ENDLESS HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT. and even though george is trying to be all manly and like “no big deal” about it at the beginning of the video, you can see by *my* reaction that the fence, was, in fact, a big deal. a big deal of SHOCK AND AWE.

LABOR

1. MANLY MEN

this is the only item in this category, because it’s the only item you need to insure that you will do absolutely no work while camping. manly men like to prove their masculinity by putting up the tent, maintaining the fire, and basically doing anything that requires physical exertion, leaving you to focus on being a lady (or gentleman) of leisure.

pro-tip: former eagle scouts are a plus. exhibit A-Z:

thus ends my guide to camping. i hope you’ve enjoyed it, and i guarantee that if you follow it closely, you’ll be a happy camper, just like this birthday boy:

CAMP ON, CAMPERS!

HA HA JUST KIDDING. henri and i went to NYC for our fourth annual trip to the new yorker festival!

the festival is always a great excuse to visit the big apple, cos we get to see interesting speakers, cool celebs and our even cooler friends! plus need i mention THE UNSANE TASTY BUSINESS?

this year, henri swapped apartments with his friend chris, so we stayed in his adorable little apartment in fort greene. with its lofted bed, the place actually reminded me of the rooms at wiess college, except classier and with less health hazards. as you can see in this picture, henri is SUCH a morning person.

unfortunately, flossie totally flaked out on me during our first two nights in town (girlfriend is ITCHING for her social security), so this next segment will be less phototastic than usual. i did, however, have the power of henri’s iphone, so don’t worry, yr imagination won’t have to work too hard.

after we landed on thursday night, henri and i met up with ryan, ben and chris in fort greene for dinner, then proceeded on to a dive bar, where we had an insanely intense, in depth discussion on tom hanks. there are a few pictures from that night, but since they mostly involve henri’s face below hilariously lewd graffiti, i’ll let them stay safely (?!) on his phone.

on friday, we palled around with ryan in fort greene, then headed into the city for “the social network” screening! here’s henri and i, sharing earbuds on the subway because we wanted to be particularly adorable:

um, if you’ve seen “the social network,” then you can guess how much it completely blew me away with its awesomeness. and if you’ve ever seen justin timberlake, then you can guess how much MY PANTS MELTED INTO A BALL OF FLAMES because HE WAS THERE IN PERSON! OMG!! there was a Q&A afterwards with him, jesse eisenberg (LU) and aaron sorkin, and it was fascinating to hear about the amount of research, not to mention takes (it IS david fincher, after all) that went into making such a fantastic film. justin was actually v. low key and seemed surprisingly humble; he talked about how many times he had to audition for the role, and in the midst of that period, he ran into sean parker who asked, “hey, aren’t you playing me in the facebook movie?” to which justin replied, “um, maybe?” i guess that’s slightly less awkward than saying, “HECK YES and i’m gonna make you look like such a douchebag, dude!”

after the Q&A, henri and i had dinner at sugiyama, this OUTRAGEOUSLY DELICIOUS japanese restaurant. we chose the kaiseki, which is like a six course dinner of AMAZ sushi, soup and other japanese goodness.

i think my favorite thing about japanese food is that it’s incredibly adorable without sacrificing any of its tasty business credibility. i mean, look at this monkfish liver that came with its own tiny spoon! I LOVE TINY UTENSILS.

the winner of “most precious food item of the night” goes to this sugar bean (well, it was SOME kind of bean) encased in a cube of clear grape jello! SQUEELICIOUS.

following dinner, we met up with reeves and logan!

you might be thinking, “hold up! reeves and logan live in austin!” and yes, dear reader, they do. but they were in NYC at the same time we were! and even more exciting, THEY GOT ENGAGED THERE! so friday night, we met up with them and their friends and celebrated our faces off!!

even though logan and reeves had their photos taken leading up to the surprise proposal, henri and i consider the above money shot to be their Official Engagement Portrait.

saturday morning, we had brunch with ryan and ben…

… and erika and jeff! YAY FACES J’ADORE.

thanks to ryan’s excellent taste (LITERALLY), we met at no. 7, where i feasted upon a sandwich made with english muffin, scrambled eggs, smoked cheddar and FRIED BROCCOLI YES YES Y’ALL.

just like its cousin french fry, fried broccoli proves that the easiest way to increase the desirability of a vegetable is by making it as unhealthy as possible.

the weather was GORGE McGORGE, so we wandered around the brooklyn flea market, bustling with funky antiques, nifty crafts and lots of hipsters.

my favorite thing i found at the market was AMBER! yay! my second favorite was the kumquat cupcake booth!

no, yr eyes doth not deceive you. THERE WAS BACON ON TOP OF MY CUPCAKE.

the bacon was nicely complimented by maple cinnamon cake and vanilla frosting and was quickly put INTO MY BELLY for safekeeping.

amber, ben, henri and i spent the rest of the afternoon at the lovely backyard patio of dino, where we nursed cocktails and shared a bowl of spinach gnocchi:

even more importantly, amber, who is getting married in august, asked me to be her bridesmaid!! YAY!! um, i said yes, duh. I LOVE WEDDINGS!

henri and i subwayed back into manhattan for our next NYF event, an interview with paul reubens! now, you may already love pee-wee herman (as well you should), but i’m here to tell you that paul is EQUALLY as delightful and adorable, and with a less cartoonish voice. here’s the beginning of the interview, where paul discovers THE WORD OF THE DAY (psst! it’s “broadway”):

one of the things i love about the NYF is the intimate, reverent feel of the events. there’s no swimfans (well, ok, there are, but we act like normal people), no hype, and no flashbulbs, so i always feel like i’m hanging out in an exceptionally large living room, discovering marvelous things about people i admire. for example, the birth of pee-wee:

and, perhaps the most shocking revelation of the entire festival: the origin of the pee-wee dance!!!!!!

feeling absolutely charmed and, i admit, even more childlike than usual, henri and i cabbed it up to meet amber and ben at our second event of the night, a screening  of “sympathy for delicious,” which JUST SO HAPPENS to be directed by the one and only MARK “MY FREEBIE” RUFFALO!!!!! AND YES YOU GUYS HE WAS THERE, looking just as handsome and wonderful as i expected.

but you know who ELSE was there? ethan hawke, who isn’t even in the movie! and since i just showed “reality bites” for girlie night at the ritz, i kind of felt like smacking him in the face for being such a jerkface to winona.

and you know who ELSE ELSE was there? this really, really nice, sweetly  eccentric older lady who made friends with us (and particularly amber and ben, and PARTICULARLY ben) in line, who turned out to be… kurt vonnegut’s widow, jill krementz! I KNOW RIGHT?! NEW YORK YOU SO CRAZY! even better, jill’s the author of some of amber’s favorite childhood books, specifically “a very young dancer,” so it was just a clustercuss of awesome surprises. she even sat with us for the movie and told amber she wants to attend the wedding. AMBER PLZ INVITE HER.

the movie itself… well, i gotta be honest with y’all. it wasn’t the greatest. in fact, there were some severe plot problems. but you know what made up for it? the fact that I BREATHED THE SAME AIR AS MARK RUFFALO.

he came out with the writer and star of the film, christopher thornton, for the Q&A, and they talked about all of the shizz that happened in the ten years it took them to make this film:

they also joked a lot about it being mark’s first gig as a director and the intensity on set due to the speed of the shoot:

while the movie failed to wow me, the event itself only made me fall in LURVE with mark ruffalo even more, esp. when i got to SHAKE HIS HAND AND TALK TO HIM. YOU GUYS. NOT JUST AN ARM TOUCH, AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION! WITH EYE CONTACT!!! MY PANTS DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN!!!!

following this monumental event, amber, ben, henri and i celebrated with drinks at the coffee shop:

i really liked this bar, cos it felt posh and hip without being TOO posh and hip. here’s ben and amber, doing a romantic twist on I DRINK YR MILKSHAKE.

i, of course, had the mac & cheese with truffles, because MY NAME IS SARAH.

salad, quit hogging the spotlight! i mean, you were nice and all, but the mac & cheese had me at “hello” (hey, it’s like the tasty business equivalent of mark ruffalo!).

the next day, sunday, i took henri to the lower east side for some food appreciation at the meatball shop, where amber and ben took me back in may. it was just as delish as i remembered, plus it reminds me of “cloudy with a chance of meatballs,” only less messy and stormy.

that afternoon, we attended our last event of the festival, a panel of folks on saturday night live. even though i don’t watch the show religiously anymore, i still check out a few skits online every week, and i don’t think i will ever lose my admiration for the comedic creativity and hard work required to put on SNL. we were lucky enough to see some of the star players, including kristen wiig (she’s so pretty!), andy samberg and fred armisen.

unfortunately, that’s the only video i have from the event, cos some staff lady told me to put my camera away even though i didn’t see ANY signage prohibiting cameras (LAME!). but while i don’t remember any of the jokes, trust me when i say that this panel was RIDICULOUSLY entertaining. it’s obvious that these people really love working together, and i walked out of that theater wishing i could be a part of that late night family, even if it just meant being, like, someone’s secretary, or the wig assistant, because working on SNL seems like a constant slumber party of hilarity. seriously, lorne, if you hire me, I’LL BRING DORITOS *AND* A MAGIC EIGHT BALL.

but even if SNL isn’t in the cards (or should i say ouija board?) for me, i’m not worried about a lack of slumber parties. first of all, because DO YOU KNOW ME? secondly, i now have even MORE lovely lady friends in NYC! sunday night, henri and i headed over to willamsburg to meet up with rebecca serle, the dynamo who interviewed FYA for the huffington post, and leila sales, the author of my hands down favorite book from the 2010 book expo, “mostly good girls.” you know how you meet someone on the internet, and then you hang out in person, and they’re not nearly as fabulous as they seemed online? well, my evening with rebecca and leila (and their fantastic friend katie, who found FYA in the first place!) was, like, a freaking commercial for eharmony. i’m talking LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

we met up at hotel delmano, this antique-y feeling fancy pants cocktail bar:

i know some people make fun of mixology, but i’m here to testify to the fact that a cocktail with fresh lime, cinnamon-vanilla syrup, pineapple-infused tequila and mole bitters is a *serious* advancement in alcohol technology, not to mention A GIFT TO ALL OF MANKIND.

afterwards, we had thai food at “sea,” which feels like a cray nightclub, complete with thumping bass and pod bathrooms from the future.

from l-r, katie, leila, me, rebecca

LOOK AT OUR HAPPY FACES! WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH! and it wasn’t just because of the YA connection. there was some serious kindred spirit business happening, to the point where they were taking goofy pictures with henri a mere three hours after meeting us.

well, henri does have that effect on people.

ladies, i will see you in may for books galore and champers extra galore!

before leaving on monday, i managed to squeeze in one more bit of tasty business research at paul’s da burger joint:

y’all, this place is FOR REAL. as are their burgers:

SERIOUS BIZNESS.

thanks to my friend jen for recommending such a legit place, which was the perfect way to kiss NYC good-bye.

ok, well, maybe seeing mark ruffalo again would’ve been the *perfect* way, esp. if it involved me suddenly becoming a filthy rich 30-year-old magazine editor in the middle of a closet make-over montage. but you know, with all of my tasty business and lovely friends and new york gallivanting, i think i’m pretty ok with imperfection.

till next time, new york, MWAH!

this year, john pronounced schlit weekend to be “the texas christmas” (txmas), and he couldn’t have been more correct! here’s a quick scientific analysis of the similarities:

• IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.
• you gotta wake up super, duper early to have the best experience.
• it must be celebrated with loved ones.
• tasty business and adult beverages abound!
• traditions are a v. important part of the process.
• there’s lots of songs to get you in a festive mood!*
• little elves work super hard year-round to make it all possible.**
• IT’S SO EXCITING I CAN BARELY HANDLE IT.

*this is not technically true, in that i don’t have a playlist of schlitterbahn themed songs (WTF MUSIC INDUSTRY GET ON THAT SHIZZ). however, i do have my summer mixtape, so i figure that counts.

**do you actually think that the schlitterbahn got to be the best waterpark IN THE WORLD by relying solely on human labor? that people are smart enough to come up with such incredible rides?!! that the torrent wave river was created without the use of magic?!!! HA HA HA I DON’T THINK SO.

per tradition, we rented a house in new braunfels, and this year, meredith (aka master planner pants) really STEPPED UP THE POSHNESS. check out our incredible deck:

leading straight to the water, which i guarantee will not stay calm for long once pants world arrives:

another highlight of the house? PAPASAN CHAIRS! believe me, they provided us with hours of entertainment.

apparently, pantsers are really bad at adapting to new chair technology.

also per tradition, we kicked off our weekend with dinner at the holiest of tasty business holies, the grist mill.

and, because we’re seriously the bestest friends EVER, we brought back some jack daniels pie for everyone to enjoy later. no really. i actually shared my dessert with people. that’s how much the txmas holiday spirit inspires me. GOOD WILL TOWARDS MEN!

the rest of friday night was spent doing the yooj: chatting, playing kings and, of course, the 2010 Beyonce Booty Shake Competition:

santa (in the guise of erik) did bring us one new surprise, though: a SCOOTER COOLER. I AM NOT KIDDING. THIS IS A REAL THING. see?

oh GRAND INVENTION! born out of laziness and alcoholism, the scooter cooler was the perfect addition to txmas eve. not only did it provide the opportunity for white trashtastic pictures, it also took the phrase “joyride” to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

btw, santa, you might want to consider investing in one of these to replace yr sleigh. rudolph is great and all, but can you put cans of beer inside of him AND retrieve them later? just sayin’.

we had a couple of schlit virgins in our midst, and EEEEE i love introducing people to the wonder of the schlit!!!! esp. cos then i feel like i  am somehow responsible for its existence, and then i start to wonder why there isn’t a ride named after me yet. note to self: whenever you become super rich, forget about donating money to yr college. donate it all to the schlitterbahn, and you could have a whole new section of the park dedicated to you! WELCOME TO PITRETUBEYRFACEHOFF 2025! where all of the tubes are pink and you get cupcakes while waiting in line!

anyhoo, allow me to introduce the newbies! tim (straight outta DC!) and erik:

the fabulous miss caitlin, who should totally use this shot for her txmas card this year:

and the insanely charming reeves, pictured here with her bf logan, who has actually been to the schlit before (but never taken his gf?! dude! logan! don’t you even CARE about the relationship?):

i spent all day saturday and sunday excitedly introducing the newbs to my favorite rides and aspects of the schlitterbahn, to the point where henri had to remind me that some things, such as highly legible park signs, don’t need an explanation.

but guess what! HENRI’S NOT HERE! so i’m gonna share a few of the same nuggets of wisdom i gave to the new folks.

1. the water is v. v. v. cold. like, you think you’re prepared, because it’s like 120 degrees and yr swimsuit is dripping (with SWEAT, not water), but NOTHING can prepare you for that first hypothermia-inducing dip into the schlitter water. i mean, i’m a professional, and look at my face:

2. BUT YOU GET USED TO IT! and after a few minutes, you reach schlitterzen, a perfect harmony of cold water, hot sun and adult beverages, as demonstrated here by john:

3. schlitterbahn has THE BEST TUBE RIDES IN THE UNIVERSE. this might be one of those things that henri thinks is obvious to everyone but information of this awesome magnitude BEARS REPEATING.

4. the torrent wave river is OTC CRAZYTOWN.

every year, we dedicate *at least* four hours a day to this magnificent craytopia. it’s always packed with people, who will inevitably slam into you as the waves pass, and it usually takes an hour to grab a tube. but see THAT’S WHY ITS FUN.

and, ok, we’re really good at making awesome things even more awesome. for example, we always take EXTREME wave action shots:

(special thanks to erica and her water-proof camera case for making these photographic feats possible)

why we haven’t made it onto a schlitterbahn billboard, i have no idea.

since its so crowded, i warned the newbies to watch out for other people on the river. and by other people, i meant henri.

henri’s, like, a schlitterwere. once he’s exposed to the chlorinated waves, his beastly nature breaks through and instantly attacks any pantser in the immediate vicinity. usually it’s erica.

but who i am kidding, no one really needs advice on how to enjoy schlitterbahn because IT’S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO. consequently, the newbs had a blast, and us old timers celebrated yet another amazing schlitterweekend.

MERRY TXMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A CRAY WAVE!

Selina here to tell you all about my trip to Spain.

First, for a little bit of background. My family used to go to Spain almost every summer when I was younger but the last time I had been there was eight years ago so, I was so excited to go back and to show Tommy, my husband, all the things I love about it. My mom was also around during most of the vacation.

Our destination was Marbella, a beautiful little town on the Costa del Sol. It’s an amazing beach town with great beaches, wonderful food, and an entertaining beach pedestrian only promenade with lots of restaurants, bars, and clubs.

First, let me show you the view from our balcony.

So, as you can imagine, this is what I did most of the time.

I know…what a rough vacation.

We also did A LOT of eating.  As you will see, a great deal of this post will be dedicated to food which is appropriate for a pants post (and because I love food). The food in Spain is so delicious and I had some of my favorite things.

For example, I really love lasagna in Spain. It’s made with bechamel sauce and baked in little individual clay dishes in the oven so it comes out hot and bubbly. Amazing!

Don’t you just want to eat that?!

Another thing that I have many lovely memories of is the ice-cream in Spain. It’s just so delicious. It’s not as rich and decadent as say Amy’s ice-cream, which to me is a good thing. They have wonderful flavors like nougat, cream, dulce de leche, and my favorite, green apple. It’s smooth and creamy, not too tart, and amazingly refreshing on a warm summer night.

Here I am enjoying my favorite flavor at the best ice-cream parlor (note that others agree, check out the line going out the door!). This place is always so crowded they had to implement a number system like at a deli!

Another yummy dessert that people in Spain eat a lot is called churros y chocolate. Churros are basically deep-fried dough sprinkled with sugar. The chocolate is basically a thick hot chocolate which you use to dip the churros in. Oh man, I want some right now!

Another interesting dessert is called the Gofre. I say it’s interesting because it’s basically a waffle with or without toppings. I know Americans eat waffles for breakfast but I agree with Spaniards in thinking that waffles should be for dessert.

Messy and delicious!

Ok, but seriously…here is another awesome dessert that I always have to have in Spain: Strawberry tarts!

Look at this deliciousness! It’s like pure perfection: fresh and juicy strawberries and a crisp and buttery crust.

Oooh Oooh another dessert..yes, there is more! We had to have a few crepes cuz they are so yummy.

Banana and chocolate with vanilla ice-cream

here is one with apples and sugar

and strawberries and sugar

Ok, let’s take a small break from the food (don’t worry, it will be back real soon). We did do a few other things besides eat, but really in Marbella it was mostly hang at the beach, walk around, and eat. It was pretty amazing. I also got to see some of my friends I used to hang out with. One person I saw was my friend Heather who is from Ireland and comes to Marbella for vacation. Thankfully, we reconnected via facebook and we got to see each other!

Yay for facebook!

One thing that is always a tradition for us is to go to the market. The markets in Spain travel from city to city on different days and the market in Marbella is on a Monday. There you can walk around and buy so many things from fresh fruit to CDs to clothes to pottery. It’s amazing! The nickname for the market is El Barato but unfortunately due to the Euro and other factors, it’s really not that cheap anymore.

A fun thing about being in Marbella is there are lots of charming towns to visit nearby. For example, we went to a town called Mijas in the mountains. It has amazing views and a lovely park…

and a really cool little church built out of rock

and charming people like this cute couple who has been making doughnuts here ever since I was a little girl.

Another town we visited is Benalmadena. We took a teleferico or cable car up the mountain to see some more amazing views.

We were very lucky and excited to be in Spain for the world cup finals! It was amazing to be a part of this historic moment.

We went to a port called Puerto Banus where all the rich people park their crazy yachts. We went there because someone said they were going to be showing it there on a big screen but no such luck. We still had fun watching it at an outdoor pub.

The atmosphere was very lively and festive

It was such a tense game but when they finally scored that goal and won, it was an outburst of emotion.

People were all over the streets chanting and dancing.

We took a break from Marbella and traveled to Barcelona for 4 days. Me and Tommy were very excited to go since we had never been north of Madrid. It’s an amazing city with the most unique and interesting architecture I have ever seen. Barcelona is also different in that they speak Catalan in addition to Spanish so it took us a while to figure out some of the different words they use for things. For example, for salad they say Amanida instead of Ensalada. The first morning we got there starving for breakfast, we were confused when the waitress said they had pasta with chocolate for breakfast. She obviously meant pastry and not the pasta that you and I know but it took us a second to figure out.

We did so many amazing things in Barcelona in 4 days. We saw 7 museums in 3 days! We weren’t planning on it but we couldn’t pass up the Artticket deal. For 22 Euros you get access to 7 museums.

One of our first stops in Barcelona was La Rambla, a pedestrian mall with lots of tourists, street performers, and shops.

Presenting…Edward Scissorhands

Honestly, I thought it would be more interesting but I wasn’t that impressed. I did like La Boqueria, a market in the area with lots of bright colors, fruits, meats, etc.

Look at all the amazing and colorful fresh juices

and fruits from all over the world

As I mentioned, the architecture in Barcelona is amazing thanks in large part to Antoni Gaudi. One of his creations that we visited is a public park called Park Guell. It’s like being in a whimsical fairy tale!

We also visited La Pedrera or Casa Mila an amazing apartment complex Gaudi built. For some reason I forgot to take a picture of the exterior but check out the amazing roof.

This is the interior courtyard of the building

Here is the exterior of another cool Gaudi building

Probably one of the most famous sites in Barcelona and the most famous Gaudi work is the Sagrada Familia, an enormous and intriguing cathedral started in 1882 and that is not expected to be complete until 2026!

Here is a view of it from the roof of La Pedrera

We were able to take an elevator up towards the top where you could see all the towers and designs up close

It’s like a christmas tree, right?

I want to eat this because it looks like fruit baskets

We went to many museums as I mentioned like the Picasso museum, the modern art museum, and Joan Miro museum. One of the most spectacular art museums was the MNAC or Museu Nacional D’Art De Catalunya (National Museum of Catalan Art).

It is housed in this amazing building in a beautiful park

We saw amazing art by such historic artists as Picasso and Dali.

Here are a couple of my faves

Most days we were way too tired from walking and touring all over the city to go out at night but we made an exception to go see a movie outdoors projected on the wall of a castle!

We ate a yummy veggie dog (topped with little fries!) while waiting for the crowds to get there and for the movie to start

It was a great experience enjoying the outdoors with (mostly) local people although it was strange since it was a weird Swedish horror movie that we watched with Spanish subtitles.

We did of course have a few good meals while in Barcelona (yay back to food!). Our favorite lunch was at a restaurant called Anima. In Barcelona you can get really good deals for lunch by getting the menu of the day. Usually you get two or three courses for a reasonable price. At Anima you could get either first and second course or second and dessert and a drink for only 10 Euros.

For my first course, I had a cold carrot soup with an artichoke and vegetable ice-cream. It was sooo good!

For my second, I had a fancy hamburger

and Tommy had Salmon

For dessert we had a chocolate tort with raspberry sauce and balsamic vinegar ice-cream. Deeeelish!

We also tried an efficient Tapas place where any tourist can order. You will see what I mean when you look at their menu.

Who can resist mini little plates of food?! You can try lots of different things without spending too much money.

Like yummy chicken croquetas. It’s something like mashed potatoes, chicken, and milk encased in bread crumbs and fried.

We also had a mini steak and fries

After 4 wonderful but exhausting days, we headed back to Marbella to relax some more and to eat more food.

Like freshly made gnocchi

and lots of seafood

shrimp in olive oil

fish baked in salt

It’s just so nice to eat dinner right by the beach and to hear the waves while enjoying delicious food. You can see here how me and my mom are enjoying the scene.

Our time was sadly coming to a close but before we left we had to have some Paella, one of Spain’s most famous dishes. I opted for the vegetarian paella this time, crispy rice with all kinds of veggies.

It was time to go home. We had an amazing time and I was sad to go but hopefully I will get to go back again soon.

I hope you enjoyed traveling with me, and if you are in need of a vacation, just look at this and insert yourself here:

Adios til next time!

y’all we got to meet philadelphia!!!! and i am pleased to report that it made a v. v. good first impression. i mean, just check out this photo i took a few minutes after we arrived:

let’s just say that henri typically is not easily impressed, so philly should consider his face to be a lovely compliment. and/or an attempt to make fun of me for taking his picture. either way.

seriously, philly was a charmer from the get-go. look at our cute little hotel!

major pants to the new york times for recommending the alexander inn as well as the surrounding neighborhood of center city. the hotel is nestled in the gay area of the district (all of the street signs have a rainbow underneath them, adorbs!), which a local told us later is referred to as “the gayborhood.” regardless of the true name, I LOVED IT! there were lots of bars and restaurants sandwiched in between super old, beautiful row houses, punctuating the sleepy, historic atmosphere with bursts of energy. i always feel like such a texas girl when i’m in old east coast cities, cos i’m all OMG LOOK AT THIS TINY ALLEY HOW CUTE IS IT I CAN’T BELIEVE PEOPLE LIVE HERE!!!

which, you know, is a total tourist reaction. but come on, they’re kinda asking for it with those american flags.

after wandering around for a while, henri and i looked up bars on yelp and discovered this INCREDIBLE GEM:

later that night, our waiter would inform us that this bar is referred to as the “Low Cost Bar,” which makes total sense cos the place is a DIVE. a deliciously seedy, totally authentic, dark and dank dive bar. like, i’m pretty sure the dude nursing a tall boy bud ice next to henri was homeless. and when henri tipped the bartender, she was like, “WHOAH THANK YOU!” um, yeah. here are some other signs you’re in a dive bar, courtesy of our locust bar experience:

1. people pay for beer with pocket change.
2. the jukebox goes from otis redding to jimi hendrix (holla!)
3. the old man next to you never removes his sunglasses, and he’s not blind.
4. two awesome old dudes behind you get into a discussion on movies, including the importance of carrying yr own 3D glasses (“so you don’t have to pay 3D prices!”), the calming nature of “the last airbender” (“i almost fell asleep! it was so relaxin’!”) and how the movie most worth the $12 ticket is, hands down, “transformers 2.”

trust me, it was really hard to walk out of there. but you know me and my tasty business needs, and it was time for dinner! we decided on a french place called bistrot la minette:

not only is it delightful on the outside, it totally feels like france on the inside! at least, to an american who happens to have visited paris twice.

y’all the food was INCREDIBLE. IN.CRE.DI.BLE. we started with the escargot, which was not only delish but also super cute, cos each snail got its own pot!

next we ordered a little plate of shrimp and lobster with puff pastry, and i’m kinda mad that this picture turned out so well because IT IS TRICKING MY BRAIN INTO THINKING I CAN EAT THIS AGAIN AND I CAN’T. GAH.

the pinnacle of the meal was, what else, the mac and cheese. OBVS. and guess what bistrot’s secret ingredient is? BRIE!!! THEY PUT MOTHERCUSSING BRIE IN THEIR MAC & CHEESE.

i took one bite and almost broke the table with my fist banging (i tend to bang the table when i’m nomming on something delicious. you know, it’s a sign of appreciation! like how some cultures treat burping! except less gross.).

not only did we enjoy the pants out of our food, we also had a blast chatting with our waiter, damon, who gave us all sorts of philly tips and insights.

in return, i gave him an FYA card and berated him for never having heard of the hunger games. i’ll let you decide who got the better end of the exchange.

on the way back to the hotel, we passed by this super whimsical and sparkly conglomeration of glass and pieces of junk. i don’t know what it’s called but I WANT TO LIVE THERE.

the next morning, we moved to a slightly different part of the city for more touristy activities.

our first stop was the eastern state penitentiary, which a friend had recommended to henri. and when damon told us that the audio tour was narrated by steve buscemi, we were SOLD. here’s a little info about it:

y’all. Y’ALL. this place was CRAZY CAKES AWESOME. i mean LOOK AT THE ENTRANCE:

i know, right?!! that gothic architecture is a crime deterrent in and of itself. if this place was still in business, i bet even jaywalking would cease. p.s. YES JAYWALKING IS CRIME, COLLEGE STUDENTS I ALMOST HIT WITH MY CAR EVERY DAY.

so, i realize that lots of audio tours are really hokey and annoying, but i *highly* recommend getting the headphone set at this place. and not just cos steve buscemi talks to you (although that alone is more than enough fantasticness) but also cos the history of the prison is fascinating! here’s the original plan:

that is, like, straight out of a dystopian YA novel shizz.

so, the founders of this prison, the philadelphia society for alleviating the miseries of public prisons (it’s got a real ring to it, yeah?), believed that solitary confinement was the key for penance and rehabilitation, and the prison was designed so that inmates would never, ever see another prisoner. like, never. the only people inmates saw were guards and a visiting chaplain, and they spent 23 hours of every day in their cell. oh hey, cruel and unusual are calling, and they want me to pass on the message that THAT IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.

the mentality of the prison is enough to creep you out, but it’s the crumbling walls and haunting atmosphere that truly brings on the heebie jeebies.

even though we were wandering around with headphones, walking the official tour in the v. official historical landmark, i still felt like we had broken into an abandoned building. which made the experience that much more FREAKY. check out this picture i took by sticking my camera into the crack between the wall and one of the cell doors:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

they’ve obvs done a ton of work to restore the prison and make it safe, but the place is so huge, they’ve only tackled a couple of cell blocks. when we reached the center (or the hub, since it’s laid out like spokes on a wheel), we could see the sections that had been left in their original, decaying state:

part of the prison was built later, and to make up for the enormous construction/maintenance costs, they added a second story of cells:

the government eventually discarded the solitary confinement philosophy and replaced it in 1913 with the sing sing model, which is basically what we have today. the prison continued to be extraordinarily expensive to operate, so it was finally closed in 1971. for the next 15 years or so, it remained deserted and uninhabited, to the point that a forest had grown around and *inside* the building when the gates were reopened in 1988.

which explains why i saw tree trunks in some of the cells:

it was both horrifying and fascinating to learn about life within these forbidding walls, where, for a long time, people were known only by numbers, even on plaques commemorating their military service:

i can’t imagine how bad it was, esp. during the early years of solitary confinement, but it was obviously terrible enough to inspire even the most ludicrous escape attempts:

i mean, did that prisoner honestly think that a rope made from sheets was REALLY going to cut it over these walls?

LOOK HOW TINY I AM!!!!

seriously, this was one of the best historic tours i have ever experienced, and if you go to philly, YOU MUST GO TO PRISON. IMMEDIATELY.

henri and i celebrated our freedom with lunch across the street at jack’s firehouse:

we ordered, what else, philly cheesesteak sandwiches!!! and they were tasty business!!!

feeling fortified (and still extremely thrilled to NOT be incarcerated), we walked a few blocks to the museum of art, the steps of which were made famous by rocky’s running montage. and if you think the museum is ashamed of that, THINK AGAIN.

TWO FOR ONE GUN SHOW!!!!!

here’s the museum, which apparently no one actually goes into (sadness!). damon told us that most tourists just run up the stairs like rocky and then leave…

… which is EXACTLY WHAT WE DID! i mean, if we had had more time, i would’ve loved to go inside, but we only had ten minutes, so i made henri run up the stairs while i filmed it. you can tell that he was REALLY PUMPED ABOUT IT.

it was certainly a whirlwind trip, but i felt like i got to know enough about philadelphia to consider it a friend. it showed me a great time AND shared its tasty business with me, which are the main qualities i look for in a pantser, and i have no doubt that i’ll be back one day (maybe i’ll even make it inside the art museum). until then…

stay divey, locust bar! stay tasty, bistrot la minette! stay creepy, eastern state penitentiary! and STAY AWESOME, PHILADELPHIA!

stay tuned for all the deets on ray and juliet’s wonderful magical super fantastic wedding!

grab some queso and margaritas (which are actually more tex mex than authentic mexican but whatevs, it’s all NEGOCIOS DELICIOUSOS to me!), cos it’s time to meet up with our intrepid adventurers as they prepare to leave cancun and head to play del carmen!

look how cute our luggage is, all hanging out together and excited to go! and don’t even think about making fun of me for believing that inanimate objects have feelings cos HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN “THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER”?!!!

we bid adieu to the cancun hyatt, which btw has this super cool glass roof:

and yes THOSE ARE DUDES UP THERE! that’s, like, mission impossible level custodial work.

we also said good-bye to the beach, which was ironically the only time i actually saw it during our entire trip. i know, that’s terrible but think of MY PALE FRAGILE SKIN.

after less than an hour, we arrived at the grand sunset princess resort! which totally sounds like something i made up as a kid when my friends and i played “travel agency” (hello? WAY better than playing school). i didn’t see any castles or tiaras BUT they weren’t kidding around with the word “grand.” this place was huge!!!!

after a tequila shot at the bar (obvs the most important step for checking in at a hotel), we went to our rooms, which were super nice!

check out the view from the room patio!

since we knew the resort would be massive, we had requested that all three rooms be near each other. HOLA NEIGHBORS!

dang, i wish i had that same view from my apartment in austin.

to further combat the hugeness, meredith bought us all door signs from the dollar store so we could leave messages, just like in college, aka back when we didn’t have cell phones and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

we unpacked then set out to discover Places of Interest, meaning WHERE’S THE POOL BAR?

turns out that the grand sunset princess has *several* pool bars, which unfortunately all close at 6 PM. hmmm. maybe we should’ve stayed at the grand all night princess resort instead.

after surveying the grandness, i conducted a hard hitting interview with meredith to gauge her first impression:

what we didn’t realize at the time was that we WOULD NEVER SEE THE SUN AGAIN. well, at least for the rest of our trip. that’s right, mean old alex decided he would try to ruin our vacay with gray skies and rain! because hurricanes are HATERS!

but what alex didn’t realize is that PANTSING CANNOT BE STOPPED. we take our passion and make it happen, no matter if it’s raining or cloudy or people put raw onions in our food.

and so, even though the weather kinda blew, we still managed to have a blast. here’s how:

1. XLERATOR HAND DRYERS

OMG!!!!! IT’S THE XLERATOR!!!!! meredith and i discovered this Wonder of Science on our road trip back in ’05, and we’ve been obsessed ever since. if you walk into a bathroom and see an xlerator, YR HANDS HAVE WON THE DRYING LOTTERY MY FRIEND. therefore, i washed my hands a LOT on this trip. i mean, i would have, anyway, cos i’m a huge germaphobe, but it was a LOT more fun knowing that the xlerator was waiting to blow the water droplets off of my hands with the power of a jet engine.

2. If You’re Already Wet, Rain Isn’t a Problem. Especially If There Is a Pool Bar Nearby.

we still hung out at the pool a lot, and when it was *really* raining, we huddled together in little cabanas and read our books. survival pro-tip: rain is no match for tequila.

3. Abuse the Unlimited Food Like a True American

since the resort was all inclusive, we could eat like it was Apocalypse Eve. the food wasn’t amazing, but it was good. here’s some highlights:

flaming fancy pants coffee drinks!

desserts with UMBRELLAS!!!!! umbrellas make everything 100% awesomer.

chocolate ice cream with add-yr-own sprinkles!

and the best part of brunch: DIY MIMOSA BAR! which would never exist in texas! because we would immediately take advantage of it and run that business into the ground!

4. Abuse the Unlimited Drinks Like a True… Human Being

thanks to the weather, we spent a lot of time here:

A. LOT. OF. TIME.

and when you’re on a beach/tropical vacation, you can’t just drink beer (let me rephrase that: you can’t ONLY drink beer). you have to drink colorful cocktails and beverages with silly names! that’s like, the Tourist Law!

you may recall that henri adopted the Blue Hawaiian during last year’s trip. well, for mexico, his chosen drink was the Sea Breeze! because he is basically a girl.

on one night in particular, there was a group of young, early 20s mexicans who kept ordering the coolest looking cocktails. so i started going up to the bar and pulling a when harry met sally, i.e. “we’ll have what they’re having.” the result was lots of really pretty, crazy delicious drinks containing I HAVE NO IDEA. but look how pretty!!

(i cut meredith’s head out of that picture cos she’s making an unflattering facial expression and my journalistic integrity only allows me to post attractive photos of my friends)

5. Find Your Child Archnemesis

one of my favorite stories from hawaii was our encounter with kate, whom we still quote to this day (“ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YR SHORTS?”). we didn’t find anyone QUITE so awesomely evil at the resort (although we did have a run in with the Devil Girl outside of coco bongo, but i didn’t want to get into it on the internets cos i’m afraid she’ll put a gypsy curse on me), but we did witness the finest example of a Wuss Run that i have EVER seen. here’s what happened:

while hanging out by the pool, i spotted a kid (probably around 7-years-old) running toward us who was obvs in the middle of a huge tantrum. he threw himself down behind a chair, then decided he needed to get further away from his parentals, so he got up again, yelled something like, “I HATE IT HERE!” and then wuss ran past us. in a stroke of genius, matt yelled, “NO RUNNING!” causing the boy to stop, shoot us a withering look, and continue on with his wuss run.

and now, the Pants World Players present a highly accurate reenactment!

6. Visit the Adorable Cos It’s Touristy But Vaguely Authentic Nearby Town!

on our last night, henri, erica and i decided to take a cab over to playa del carmen. y’all it is the CUTEST!!!!!

seriously, the playa del carmen tourism bureau knows how turn up the charm. they also apparently know how to design the ultimate in photo opps for postcards and/or generic coffee shop art.

there’s tons of shops to poke around in, and store owners seem to have two methods of attracting business: 1. promising you, at top volume, that they can make you a good deal 2. putting lots of shiny things on display. #1 didn’t work on us at all, but #2? yeah, we’re total suckers.

that is, unless the shiny is in the form of terrible art. then… NO THANKS.

we decided to do a little Greatest Hits tour of our favorite places from two years ago, so we hit up the uber cool bar at hotel deseo:

featuring the hottest hipster bartenders in mexico:

and the EXTREMELY DELICIOUS KIWI MARTINI OMG I MISS YOU SO MUCH:

we then proceeded to the tiki-style bar whose name i can never remember…

… where henri proceeded to stare at the giant creepy koi fish:

he claimed to be “fascinated” by them, but we all know he was secretly terrified.

the only new place we tried was el diablito cha cha cha (i know, right?!! i wish american businesses would start adding “cha cha cha” to their names cos then they would be WAY more fun to say. “hey guys, i gotta go do some grocery shopping at HEB CHA CHA CHA!”). one of the hipster bartenders recommended it, and his hotness did not mislead me! this place was full of negocios deliciosos!

we ended the night at the blue parrot, which has my favorite bar seating in the world: SWINGS!

and that, dear readers, is how pantsers GET THEIR FUN DONE. hurricanes can suck it!

by the time we had to head back to texas, all of us were actually ready to leave… not because we didn’t have a great time together, but because in pants world, there’s always something awesome around the corner, waiting to be enjoyed/spazzed over.

oh yeah, and also because everyone really, really missed their phones.

in case you couldn’t tell by my amazing spanish skills, i just got back from mexico! me gusta mucho!!!!! also estoy triste that it is over. but c’est la vie. oops wrong language! sorry i’m so cosmo!

see, i’ve been wanting to take a group vacation for a while now, so a few months ago, we decided to follow the meredith & sarah mantra: TAKE YR PASSION AND MAKE IT HAPPEN! that’s how, i ended up spending a week in mexico (cancun and playa del carmen) with henri, erica, matt and meredith. allow me to tell you all about it!!!!!

TUESDAY NIGHT

by now, all five of us are obvs dr. professionals when it comes to Being Rich, but i was still nicely surprised when erica, henri and i got to houston and found THIS waiting for us in matt & mere’s kitchen:

HOSTS WITH THE MOSTS!!!!!! from now on, i’m beginning every vacation with brie & champers. if someone tries to get me on a plane or ship and just offers me, like, those weird orange peanut butter crackers, I WILL REFUSE. also, i don’t accept free trips from strangers.

WEDNESDAY

the next morning, we packed up henri’s car…

and headed to the airport!!!

i know, i took pictures at the *airport*. who does that? THIS EXCITED LADY! p.s. henri likes filming me when i take pictures. he thinks it’s funny. i think it’s just cos he wants to document my amazing photography abilities.

while waiting for our flight, matt and meredith came upon what could be our next travel destination:

matt & meredith: “so, basically, this is an ad for santa fe’s hookers? LET’S GO!”

after an easy peasy flight, we landed in mexico city to wait for our plane to cancun. we had a few hours to kill, so we used them wisely. and by that i mean, we played kings! matt won lost.

a few hours later, we finally arrived in glorious cancun!!!! here’s the view from our balcony WHAT!!!

actually, when we got there, it was dark, but i wanted to give you guy something to work with.

since we were hungry like hippos, we immediately had dinner at the hotel on a lovely patio facing the ocean. first group toast in cancun! first henri mocking me in cancun!

we were feeling lazy, so we decided to lay around on the bar patio so we could enjoy more margaritas, more convo and more ocean waves. actually the last part is a lie, cos we couldn’t hear the waves over the new age, vacation-y bar music (this reminds me of an earlier argument over “return to innocence,” which everyone else swore was sung by enya and i was like NAH-AH and i was RIGHT! the only thing that soured my victory was the fact that i’d been correct about enya trivia).

THURSDAY

the next morning, we woke up and headed straight to the swimming pool!

oh pink comfy pool chairs, i miss you. but you know what miss even more? the pool bar.

we spent the day sipping on cocktails in the pool, reading in our chairs and, of course, engaging in hijinks (because it’s the Scientific Law of Henri & Meredith. you may know it by its simpler name, Alcohol).

thanks to M&M’s awesome waterproof camera bag, we were able to fully document all of the aquatic pantsing.

you know, the sweet affection shared by friends…

as well as the adorable downtime (talk about ear BUDS, heyo!).

while i blissfully engaged in some napping, henri, meredith and erica hit the ocean!

or, you could say, the ocean hit them.

with uber pruney fingers, we finally left the pool, cleaned ourselves up and headed out to the center of touristy cancun to grab some dinner before the coco bongo show (COCO BONGO!!). we settled on this huge mexican place:

mostly cos it was called el mortero, and the menu was printed on a giant tombstone.

we quickly learned that EVERYTHING in this restaurant was huge, including the menus:

the food:

and, more importantly, THE MARGARITAS!

the only thing better than tasty business is BIG tasty business, or as i like to say in mexico, NEGOCIOS DELICIOSOS! GRANDE!

seriously, who knew that the spanish translation for tasty business would be JUST as fun to say! even though i’m back in the states, i’m still gonna keep using it. mostly cos i want to maintain my language skills, obvs. NEGOCIOS DELICIOSOS!

with v. fully tummies, we walked to the main square to buy our tickets for COCO BONGO (sorry, it’s, like, really impossible to type that without using keyboard gusto). we got our wristbands from this dude, who was rocking his unibrow so hard, and so proudly, i came to love him. and the unibrow. and i have never loved a unibrow before, so that speaks a lot to this guy’s charm. and his unibrow.

while waiting in line to get in, the COCO BONGO! staff passed out various things, like glowing wristbands, shots (although we all suspected it was just apple juice) and long balloons. i really think american business should adopt this strategy, cos imagine how much more fun the post office would be if it felt like THIS:

although i am not advocating that the us postal system pass out shots and balloons. JUST KIDDING i totally am.

eventually, they let us into the club and the show began!!! as you may recall, erica, henri and i went to coco bongo two years ago, so this time around, i knew what to expect. which made me V. V. EXCITED BECAUSE OMG COCO BONGO IS AN AMAZING MAGICAL PLACE!!!

there’s a couple of reasons to love COCO BONGO. first, there’s the theatrics of it:

i mean, you won’t find this level of showmanship in any old dance club (unless pants world happens to be there. YOU’RE WELCOME, QUA).

you also would be v. v. hard pressed to find another dance club that prominently features jesus:

but i think what i love best about COCO BONGO is its enchanting and strange mishmash of culture. for example, there’s cirque de soilel type acrobats… paired with MEATLOAF!

or what about acrobats jumping to… VAN HALEN’S “JUMP”?!! genius.

notice how close that one jumper dude kept getting to me (and meredith). i think safety falls on COCO BONGO’s priority list just below “quality of alcohol.”

it’s not just the pairings that make COCO BONGO so surreal. it’s also the fact that apparently, the club exists in 2001. like, austin powers? really?!!!

in fact, the only two updates to the show that i noticed were 1. the phantom of the opera and 2. “single ladies.” i was going to say that at least that’s one post-2001 piece, but i think it’s canceled out by PHANTOM OF THE OPERA WHAT.

whatevs, here’s some beyonce for you:

and some JAY-Z HOLLA!

speaking of updates, they got rid of the beetlejuice portion, which made me sad (esp. midget beetlejuice!!!! instead they had a midget dressed up like a mini austin powers. because, you know, that makes more sense than, say, mini-me). BUT they still had my other fave parts, like:

SLASH!

and SPIDERMAN!!!!

but who am i kidding. the hands down best part of COCO BONGO is ALL OF THE CRAZY SHIZZ THAT FALLS FROM THE SKY!!!!

skinny balloons!!!

gigantic balloons!!

oh yeah, that’s our COCO BONGO friend sarah! as you can see, she was awesome. she easily fulfilled all of my pantship requirements: 1. she loved dancing. 2. she thought we were great. 3. she posed fantastically for all of my photos.

but the best thing to come from the sky (ok, not food. this isn’t cloudy with a chance of meatballs, y’all. BUT OH I WISH IT WAS) was, obvs, CONFETTI!! BLIZZARDS AND HEAPS AND MOUNTAINS OF CONFETTI!!!

COCO BONGO is all about the sensory overload. like, not only do they continuously cover you with confetti, they pair it with fog blasts and C+C MUSIC FACTORY HOLLA!!!!!

in other words, COCO BONGO = pants world heaven. i mean, look at this faces. these are kids-on-a-toys-r-us-spree, addicts-in-a-crack-den, posh-in-a-cupcake-store faces.

oh COCO BONGO, you made our pants so v. happy. NEVER CHANGE!*

stay tuned for the second half of our mexican adventures! QUE PANTALONES!

*well, ok, drop the austin powers. and maybe add some lady gaga? and justin? but besides that, NEVER CHANGE! I LU!

p.s. my friend faye just told me about this amazing program in colombia that teaches orphans how to knit and therefore earn a living. how cool is that? y’all should go read about it and then vote for them in the facebook contest so they can money to support their awesomeness!

so, the main purpose of my trip was to meet up with jenny, my fellow troublemaker on foreveryoungadult.com, and attend the book expo of america (BEA), which is basically this huge clustercuss of publishers, authors and bloggers. it was kind of overwhelming but definitely fantastic, and you can read about our adventures here and here. even if you’re not into YA (cos you so CRAZY), you should definitely check out my recap, simply for jenny’s amazing facial expressions and the photo of mac & cheese.

here on P to the D, i’ll be sharing my non-BEA adventures, which includes the night before the conference, when i met up with ye olde cy-creeker erika!

i typically only see erika once a year (when i go to NYC, obvs), but it always feels like we’re picking up a conversation from, say, the day before. erika’s super smart and sassy, and i love dishing with her about everything from our high school days (COUGAR GOSSIP) to the highly enjoyable terribleness of “new moon.” erika is also totes skilled in the tasty business arena, so when she suggested we dine at angelica kitchen, i wholeheartedly agreed even though it is all vegan. i’m not against vegan, of course, but i always feel like something is missing… what is it… oh yeah, REAL CHEESE.

but oh dang, angelica was all FACE HARD sarah! cos the food was ULTRA. DELICIOUS. check my burrito:

and there were tasty veggies inside!! i think i even ate an onion WHAT I KNOW! don’t tell anyone or my rep will be ruined!

and get a load of our desserts. and remind yrself that there is no dairy present!

AMAY-MAY. seriously. and pretty inexpensive, too! thanks for the rec and the convo, erika. see you in october! AWWW C-C!

the next few days were a blur of, to summarize my BEA posts:

booksbloggersCOCKTAILPANELbooksTASTYBUSINESSauthorsbloggersCOCKTAILPANELbooksbooksCOCKTAILPANEL.

on friday, i skipped the last few hours of the book blogger convention, because the panels were not nearly as interesting to me as THIS PLATE OF CHEESE FRIES:

it’s really not fair to compare the two, because can anything be as fascinating as cheese fries? that’s why they’re the ideal guest at any shindig, although this little party crasher gave them a run for their money!

cutest violation of NYC health code EVER!!!! i literally stared at this dog for about an hour. just me, beer, cheese fries and that dog. it was an ideal afternoon.

eventually i met up with amber and ben, who took me to a mexican place that was actually GOOD. i know, it’s blasphemous to even contemplate the idea that mexican food in NEW YORK CITEH could be tasty, but it was! of course, it was also 10 x the price of torchy’s and 1/2 as delicious. but still. A for effort, new york!

the next morning, we got up early so we could get a table at shopsin’s, a restaurant i have been DREAMING ABOUT ever since i saw this video:

that’s right, chef shopsin makes MAC & CHEESE PANCAKES. SWEET HOLY MOSES!!!!!!!!!!!! that is like, the holy grail of tasty business you guys.

what i didn’t realize when i saw that video is that shopsin’s is super, duper tiny. like, this is it:

there are maybe 8 seats inside, and then four 2-person tables in the “outside” area. that’s it. so you better believe we got there right when they opened at 9 AM so we could get in line for a table. and we only had to wait 40 minutes! that’s a small price to pay for THIS MAGNIFICENCE:

when i looked down at that plate, i felt like those nazi soldiers in indiana jones when the lost ark opens and they don’t close their eyes so they are SLAIN BY FEARSOME SPIRITS. like, i almost could not physically handle the gloriousness before me. i say almost cos hello, i’m a tasty business professional! so i did what was necessary, aka i DEVOURED THOSE PANCAKES! bonus: they come with hot sauce HOLLA!!!!!!!!

seriously, they were just as delicious and amazing and weird as i’d hoped they would be. shopsin’s, we shall meet again!

after breakfast, amber and i headed to… ok, let me prep this story for you. first, you should know that amber and ben are engaged (yay!). second, i need to make you aware, if you aren’t already, of a show called “say yes to the dress.” i apologize in advance for ruining yr blissful ignorance because the show is RIDONKULOUS. the ONLY reason i’ve seen it is because of the commercial breaks during law & order at the gym (the TLC tv is close by, ok? sue me!). anyhoo, the show takes place at this super ritzy, over the top bridal store called kleinfeld… which is where amber and i went on saturday afternoon. OH LORD THIS PLACE IS INSANE. it’s like the caesar’s palace of wedding gowns. thankfully, we were assisted by sarah, who is awesome enough to deserve the name (she also occasionally appears on the show). she is, in her own words, VERY DRAMATIC. as is her taste in wedding gowns. i could go on and show you pictures of all of the dresses amber tried on, but, well, no. suffice it to say, amber looked incredibly gorgeous, i picked my favorite and LET’S MOVE ON. ENOUGH WITH THE SATIN.

following the bridal extravaganza, we poked around some (non-televised) stores, my favorite being fishs eddy, which sells totally fun & unique plates and glasses and other kitchen stuff. check out these sizzling coasters! OH LA LA!

all of that arduous window-shopping really worked up our appetites, so we met ben at this restaurant called the meatball shop. look at this engaged cuteness!

wanna know why it’s called the meatball shop? COS THEY ONLY SERVE MEATBALLS!!!! well, i mean, they have a few sides but it’s mostly just meatballs which is AWESOME. i totally felt like i was hanging out on sesame street!

NOMMY NOM PANTS!

that night, amber and i went to times square to see a show! obvs we had to take a super touristy picture together.

i can’t look at this photo and not hear the “laverne & shirley” theme song for some reason. we’re gonna make our dreams come true, DOIN’ IT OUR WAY!

amber, being the sophisticated connoisseur of the arts that she is, got us tickets for “come fly away,” a dance show choreographed by twyla tharp and featuring the music of frank sinatra. it was AMAZING!!!!!!!! here are some pictures from the show, courtesy of the ny times:

need i point out that SHE IS DANCING IN HEELS? GOLDEN HEELS?!!

GAH the dancing was INCREDIBLE. but i’m not theater critic, so you should read the ny times review if you want the expert analysis. i will point out, however, at the article missed a v. important detail:

THERE ARE SIPPY CUPS!!!!

that’s right, kids! if you order a drink at the bar beforehand, they’ll give it to you in a sippy cup, which you can enjoy during the whole show without the danger of wasted alcohol spillage! and the cups make v. useful souvenirs!

we ended the night at the stanton social, this super shishi restaurant where APPARENTLY lots of stars hang out even though I SAW NO ONE (HELLO KEANU WTF). then again, who needs celebs when you can have DONUTS!! WITH DIPPING SAUCE!!

i would compare them to parkside’s donut holes, except they took them off the menu because apparently they want to ANGER ME.

the next day, we headed to brooklyn to see ben & amber’s new apartment (they’re moving, like, next week!). on the way, we walked through the brooklyn flea (market):

i can’t decide if having a flea market in a posh building makes the merchandise look classy by association or cheap in comparison?

the new apartment is in this high rise building, which means amber and ben are going to have an AMAZING VIEW. this one, to be exact!

i know, right?!! it’s like the opening scene from a movie!!! in fact, if i were amber and ben, i would start every day by looking out the window and pretending like my life is a film. oh wait, i do that already.

next, we journeyed to prospect park, which was full of people celebrating memorial day weekend (and the beautiful weather).

new yorkers are REALLY good at using public space, you guys. and apparently, in the 1800s they were also really good at maximizing indoor space, as amber and i learned on our tenement museum tour!!

that’s right, everyone gets a fan because THERE IS NO A/C IN THE TENEMENTS, PEOPLE. and don’t even THINK about indoor plumbing.

that’s our tour guide, displaying the grossery known as an outhouse. he was really nice but not as, well, educational as i would’ve have liked. still, it was really neat/horrifying to see how people lived back then– specifically, the moore family back in 1869. here’s a photo of the place before the museum did any restoration:

YIKES. MARTHA STEWART AVERT YR EYES.

now that it’s been redone to resemble the conditions in 1869, it looks a lot better, obvs. still, it’s pretty small, esp. for a family.

check out their kitchen:

not only did they not have, say, a microwave, but that’s a coal burning stove. throw in some kerosene lamps and it’s like, as our tour guide put it, “living inside a cigarette.” NO THANKS. p.s. I LOVE YOU 2010.

if you want to feel even more grateful to be alive in modern times, you can see extensive photos here.

we ended our weekend together in true amber fashion, with dinner at the charmingly french tartine!

we drank wine, ate mussels and fries (and then more fries. cos that’s how we roll) and chatted the night away. it was the perfect end to a deliciously fun trip!

and let’s not forget about the ultimate bonus of any visit to new york: coming home to AUSTIN! henri picked me up from the airport and took me straight to eastside cafe so i could reunite with one of my fave austinites, BAKED BRIE:

new york, i’ll always love you, but austin is where my pants belong. till next time, STAY FABULOUS! (but maybe get a little cheaper, eh?)

a few weekends ago, erica g. set up a girlie weekend at the hyatt lost pines, a fancy pants, family-friendly resort that totally reminds me of the hotel in “dirty dancing” except with less scandalous dancing. located in bastrop on a massive amount of land, it aims for a balance of luxury and rustic texas charm.

btw, those people are settling down for the outdoor movie of the night, which i believe was “finding nemo.” like i said, WAY less scandalous.

here’s the main lobby, featuring a chandelier made from a big tree branch and those cheap plastic candles people put in their windows at christmas.

ahh, i love it when texans try to be classy!

even though it was a girlie weekend, erica invited some boys to join us for the day, because everyone knows that male foolishness really increases the entertainment value of pool time. here’s erica k. with her boy, josh. now josh DO SOMETHING RIDICULOUS.

besides girlfriends and silly boys, here’s what else you need for High Quality Pool Time:

1. beverages MAJOR DUH. erica g., please demonstrate.

2. also in the obvs category, tasty business!!!! and since this was a fancy hotel, there were servers available to bring yr food & bevvies right to yr beach chair!! because rich people are lazy! which is one of the reasons i love being rich! we ordered sweet potato fries and parmesan fries, cos you can never have too many fries. NEVER.

3. stupid magazines! check out amber’s pose, which illustrates how you can read one and still look super rich:

4. and, last but not least, for the ultimate pool experience, you need a LAZY RIVER!!!!

allow me to use the following photos to illustrate the Absolute Perfection of lazy rivers. first, as you can see, pale sexy (thank you twilight!) people like me can easily keep their hats on and therefore avoid sunburns. p.s. yes, dad, i was also wearing spf 50 sunscreen!! and i reapplied!

second, the presence of two-person tubes allows couples to share some special romantic time together. i mean, look at the martial bliss all over selina and tommy’s faces!

third, the slow current of the lazy river minimizes physical exertion while still keeping yr beverages safe and unspilled. george, visiting from boston, was understandably blown away by this feat of aquatic technology.

george had also never– ok, you guys are SO not gonna believe me but i swear i am not making this up– BEEN ON A WATER SLIDE. THAT’S RIGHT. GEORGE HAD NEVER IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE SLID DOWN A SLIDE COATED IN WATER AND ENDING IN A POOL.

OBVS this had to be rectified. so even though the lost pines water slide is proooobably meant for children, we all gave it a go. here’s MSWR, displaying perfect form on her landing!

george enjoyed it, but we warned him that this was like, pocket change compared to the schlitterbahn. and since he and jenny are moving to austin (yay!), he will soon GET TO SCHLIT HIS PANTS!!

after pool time, we kicked out the boys (BYE GUYS!) and decided to eat dessert before dinner, because even though we’ve been adults for years, it’s still feels so mischievious! i mean, there is a v. high risk we could spoil our appetites! FLIRTING WITH DANGER! and if you’ve ever been to any ranch-type place in texas, you know exactly what’s for dessert:

S’MORES!!!!!!!

fyi, amber actually was excited, she was just going for the pitchfork face.

i really wish a scientist would study the s’more, cos it’s just a marshmallow (blah) combined with graham crackers (meh) and chocolate (obvs good) and yet IT IS FREAKISHLY DELICIOUS. i mean, look at the absolute joy on these faces!!!

i’m kind of thinking s’mores could maybe, like, cure cancer. or at least stop the oil spill in the gulf. so science, LOOK INTO IT. i will gladly be yr test subject.

while we waited for a dinner table, erica k. and amber entertained themselves with some good old fashioned horseshoe throwing.

is this an olympic sport yet? if not, it should be. and the uniforms have to include cowboy boots and wranglers with the snuff can outline on the butt. i mean, just to make it look really official.

we ate dinner outside in the lovely summer night air:

which mean that it got too dark for me to take a picture of my delicious burger and spinach dip! sorry! you’ll just have to take my tummy’s word for it.

we ended the night with another of my fave texas traditions: sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, sipping wine and gossipin’!

next time, i’m gonna make MSWR bring her fiddle, cos that was the only thing missing. then in the middle of a story, she could bust it out and we could break into spontaneous folk songs like… um, camptown races? or something?

in the morning, we scored another table outside for brunch. i love that no one was wearing any make-up– that’s like, Extreme Girlie. and i know you’re thinking, “but wouldn’t Extreme Girlie mean LOADS of make-up?” but it’s like, you know how libertarians are such extreme republicans that they’re practically liberals? well, that’s like the same thing with make-up and girls. um… you know. yeah. it makes perfect sense. ok, let’s just get to the picture. NAKED FACES.

the hotel has a breakfast buffet, featuring this BOUNTIFUL TABLE OF BAKED GOODS. it reminded me of all of my favorite children’s book illustrations, i.e. mountains of elegant carbs.

here’s my first plate:

and here’s my second!

note the grits on the upper left. that’s how you can tell we’re in the south.

another lovely aspect of lost pines is that it gives you the chance to commune with nature! look at this butterfly! it liked us so much, it wanted to pick up the tab! (bah doom boom CHING)

we ate, we talked, we poshed it up until the cows came home! or, more literally, the horses.

i gotta give mad pants to erica g. for making this weekend possible. and also thanks to our sponsors, the Lazy River, Being Rich and most importantly, Summer!

and if any official lost pines personnel is reading this, YES you may hire me to write yr brochures! i accept all forms of payment, including unlimited rides on the lazy river.