Archive for the 'extravaganza' Category

josh and erica got married!!!!!

warning: this post is basically just a bunch of pictures, marinated in squee. which is really how it should be because JOSH AND ERICA GOT MARRIED!! YAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAY!!!!

and guess what? it was one of the best weddings i have ever had the honor (and pleasure) to attend, not because i was the officiant (although, ok, i did a pretty great job), but because i LOVE JOSH AND ERICA and there were so many old and dear friends there and DANCE PARTY!!!

first of all, let’s start with the bachelorette party on thursday night.

erica_bach

i love how erica manages to be adorable even while wearing tacky private part jewelry.

the ladies in the group represented various facets of erica’s life– college, spain, austin– and it was such a treat to learn new things about erica (ask her about a certain pilgrimage in spain). but the best part is that these girls were ready to BRING IT as we descended upon the streets of downtown.

group

i swear, some of these girls were bachelorette professionals, and it was their mission to mortify erica as much as possible. for example, candy with dirty phrases!

candy

the pièce de résistance, however, was this magical little wand!

wand

this wand made many appearances throughout the evening, all of them mercifully far, far away from me.

as you would expect, a big group of foxy, raucous ladies on a downtown rampage attracts a lot of attention, esp. from guys that like to wear their shirts open except for one button.

weirdo guy

i could give you more details about skeevy guys and sixth street antics, but i think it will suffice for me to tell you that we visited seven different establishments that night, obtaining free drinks at five of them and participating in dance parties like this:

packed club

i would call that a success.

and if you want to see more pictures of erica being a total trooper, click here.

and now let’s move on to the big day!!!

i met up with josh at his house so i could hitch a ride with daniel, one of the groomsmen. i admit, it was kind of strange to see josh being the goofy guy i’ve known since 1997 and then think: “he’s getting married today!” but it was a happy, butterfly-in-the-tummy sort of strange.

josh at home

the wedding and reception were held at the charming star hill ranch, which is basically a collection of neat old buildings that make up a quaint sort of “main street” (and yes, this did elicit a lot of election jokes).

main street

i immediately found erica posed in mid-bridal-photography, looking incredibly beautiful!!!

bride

and, as if things couldn’t get any better, there were LITTLE CHILDREN INVOLVED! josh’s nieces, to be exact. here’s maddie, who served as the flower girl:

maddie

and here’s lila, who served as the major attention magnet for the evening (ok, well, aside from the bride and groom… mostly):

lila

as the officiant, i had the unique power to hang out with BOTH the bridal AND bachelor parties, sort of like a diplomat (josh referred to me as switzerland). i particularly enjoyed hanging out in the bachelor quarters, i.e. an old timey saloon!

bachelor pad

my chief duty, aside from performing the actual ceremony, was serving as a messenger between josh and erica. this position gave me the lovely pleasure of delivering letters between them and then watching their reactions!! squee!!!!

josh reading letter

josh totally won this round of the crying competition, as erica had to dab her eyes several times during the course of the letter.

erica reading letter

i know she was worried about messing up her make-up, but honestly, erica was so happy, there was nothing in the world that could tarnish her beauty on that day.

bathroom veil

i’m guessing the photographer will photoshop out the bathtub, but i liked the idea of a bathroom portrait.

finally, it was time to begin! the boys and i lined up and waited for our cue, which is when one of my favorite moments of the night occurred– one of the groomsmen (mitch?) started playing “november rain” on his iphone!!! YES!!!!!! you guys, talk about PERFECT MOMENT. then we started joking about how we forgot to bring the “jock jams” and our tear-away pants. for a minute, i think the wedding coordinator was a little bit nervous that we would actually run out to the tune of “Y’ALL READY FOR THIS?” which, ok, would have been preeeetty awesome.

instead, we chose to be dignified.

sarah leads

even though this is the second time i’ve officiated a wedding, i felt so nervous! and yet, the minute i got up to the huppah and looked out at all of the excited faces, faces that color the lives of erica and josh, everything just felt right and good. which is pretty amazing, considering that it was TOTALLY FREEZING AND REALLY WINDY.

but, like i said, erica is a trooper, and she looked radiant (and serene!) as she walked down the aisle.

veiled bride

not only is it an honor to bring two people together in marriage, it’s also a v. intimate experience. you’re standing right there with them, hearing their sweet whispers, watching their smiles widen and eyes tear up, hearing the tender emotion in their voices. you’re basically walking them through a major milestone, a magical, life-changing day, and it’s hard to feel worthy of that, no matter how much you love the two people before you. with that said, i tried my darnedest to speak words of hope and happiness and truth. i wanted to celebrate josh and erica, the people they’ve been (yes, there was a mention of josh’s long hair and “they might be giants” references) and the people they’ve become. and you know, i think i did ok!

ceremony

henri was nice enough to record my “speech” part of the ceremony, so you can watch some of it if you’d like!

after the ceremony, i was eager to mingle with all of the familiar faces in the crowd, like ray and juliet!

picture bandit

yep, that’s henri, pulling a “ray” in the background.

and winston and eden!!!! i was so happy to see them!!!!!!

winston

henri and i were seated at table 8, which turned out to be the coolest table in the whole reception hall. how do i know? well, first of all, within the first five minutes we had a nickname, EL OCHO, that we would loudly shout while toasting our own awesomeness.

secondly? our table was daring enough to use apples from the centerpiece to indulge in one of my favorite high school pastimes: the dangerous, high stakes game of APPLE ROULETTE!

in case you’re not familiar with this risky business, apple roulette is played by passing an apple around and ramming it into yr forehead. eventually, the apple become v. soft and mushy until BAM! it explodes on the unlucky loser.

basically, the result of apple roulette is this:

apple snot

no, that’s not snot, it’s apple juice. way to go, ray!

you guys, this game does not get old. even as yr forehead begins to pulse with pain and apple juice spreads through yr hair, YOU CAN’T STOP PLAYING. it’s totally just like what happens to christopher walken in the “the deer hunter.”

and now, a series of apple roulette portraits:

henri!

henri apple

mondro!

mondro

leah!

leah

juliet!

juliet

daniel! looking a little juicy!

daniel
sarah, who wasn’t afraid to face hard!!!!

sarah

and, further proving the supremacy of our table, we even got the groom involved!!!

josh

but, before you try this at home, keep in mind that apple roulette isn’t child’s play. serious injuries may result!

ouch sarah juliet

el ocho totally left its mark on the wedding, and not just in the form of red spots on foreheads. EL OCHO 4-EVER!!!

table 8

and yes, the tables all had pictures of josh and erica at the age corresponding with the table number. isn’t that precious?!

and now, a short break to check in with lila:

sleepy lila

whoah there, lila! maybe you outta take it easy on the booze, yeah? slow down, sister!

after dinner, we moved into the dance hall, where i discovered the cake!!! yay cake!!

cake

and GUESS WHAT THERE WERE CUPCAKES OMG!!!

cupcakes

specifically, they were cardinals baseball cupcakes, as indicated by the top cake:

cardinal

FYI josh loves the cardinals, probably as much as i love cupcakes.

then it was time for the first dance! erica and josh swayed around the room to “question” by the old 97s, a song that normally makes me squee and, featured at a wedding, makes me put my hand over my heart and close my eyes (known as the “with or without you” effect).

first dance

immediately after the first dance, josh’s friend benjy’s band took the stage, and you guys, they were a totally AMAZING 80s COVER BAND!!! i mean, we are talking INSTANT DANCE PARTY.

josh henri dance

i don’t think i’ve *ever* seen a dance party like this at a wedding. there was no “you make me wanna shout!”, kool & the gang, brown-eyed-girl type of mediocrity. oh no. this was SERIOUS.

ray dance

obviously, el ocho was pretty much the main force behind the dancing.

el ocho

but we definitely had some help from people like teresa and justin:

teresa justin

and of course, my favorite erasure partner from college, matt:

matt dancing
in the middle of the party, josh and erica were lifted up in chairs, per jewish tradition. this was probably the only time erica actually looked nervous on her wedding day.

erica chair

and for good reason. yes, that IS a chair leg.

chair leg

ok, time for another quick check in with lila…

lila asleep

and she’s out for the night! which was too bad, cos she missed the timeless wiess tradition, the ubangee.

ubangee

ah yes, the ubangee. so classy! so mature! so ceremonial!

speaking of rice, this wedding was TEEMING with owls. of course, we had to take the group picture destined to be sent to the owlmanac after two or three years have passed:

rice folks

i know, right?!! i felt like i was back in the acabowl, minus the smell of old beer.

it really was great to catch up with so many people from college. as i’ve mentioned before, josh and i were in the same orientation group, and our advisor, emily, was at the wedding! o-week reunion!!

emily fellow

i also got to visit with the former wiess masters, the hutchinsons, which was truly a pleasure.

hutchinsons

and then it was back to the dance party!!!

henri ray dancing

winston and brian just can’t stop the rock!

winston brian

daniel and leah performed a dance known as “the microwave” that leah invented in college. i really liked this dance, mostly cos it reminded me of food.

microwave dance

due to her back injury, erica g. couldn’t dance, but she managed to throw down some v. v. sassy arm motions. and also, hugs!

henri erica

i don’t know what led teresa into a crouching position on the floor, but it may have had something to do with new order. or human league.

teresa floor

you know how at a lot of weddings, the bride and groom don’t really get to enjoy themselves cos they have to talk to everyone and do things like cut the cake or whatever? well, josh and erica enjoyed the PANTS out of their wedding, which made me so v. v. happy.

josh jump erica

there were times when i almost kinda forgot we were at their wedding, cos it felt like a regular night of being goofy together. except more dressy!

sarah josh erica funny face

it’s good to know that we can still be our ridiculous selves, even at a v. momentous occasion.

henri josh erica funny face

we danced and hugged and celebrated ourselves silly until it was time for erica and josh to go. and even then i wasn’t too sad, cos SPARKLERS!!!

sparklers

i love that feeling that comes at the end of a wedding, when everyone gathers together and you can *feel* the collected joy and excitement as the crowd sends the bride and groom off into an open, inviting, light-filled horizon.

congratulations, erica and josh!!!! i love you guys!! (<-- and in case you're wondering, yes, i did actually say that in the ceremony).

sixth street gives new meaning to the phrase “trick or treat”

with all of this election excitement (!!!!), i totally forgot to post about halloween!

granted, it wasn’t as amazing as electing our first african american president BUT it did have its moments. especially, um, when we got to sixth street.

to match his condo and new “rich” lifestyle, henri dressed up as tony stark. naturally.

and, equalling him in richness and totally surpassing him in high school scheming-ness, i dressed up like serena vanderwoodsen. you know you love me!

i know, i know, my legs should’ve been longer. and don’t tell blair, but i was wearing clothes from forever 21 (BLASPHEMY!). but i really did try for the big hair!

this year, we had the added bonus of houston visitors, ray and juliet! ray chose to give me the heebie jeebies all evening by wearing this mask:

I KNOW!!!!!

totally-insane-abused-as-a-child-serial-killer mask, only available at the port lavaca wal-mart!

he bought the “male” version for juliet, but fortunately she had the good sense to flee from its general vicinity. i did, however, ask her to put it on for documentation purposes:

ahh, just two crazy kids in love!

we started the night with dinner at parkside, where all of the waitstaff were in costume! our waitress, skyler, was not only in costume (as a nerd) but also in full on CHARACTER.

note the shirt coming out of her fly. nice touch!

she insisted on wearing her glasses even though she could barely see anything and gave us a thumbs up every four minutes or so. truly, her intense commitment to character was on par with daniel day lewis.

“I DRINK YR MARTINI!!!”

thankfully, ray actually took off his mask in order to eat, since it’s hard to suck mac ‘n’ cheese through a straw (although i wouldn’t say no if offered).

after dinner, we went up to the balcony to watch the colorful, massive crowd on sixth street.

i mean, sixth street is normally pretty crazy on the weekends, but on halloween, it becomes a total circus… but instead of elephants, there’s girls in “sexy” costumes! and instead of peanuts, there’s jager bombs!

henri decided it was time for tony stark to morph into iron man, so he changed in the bathroom. and then he and ray did what all “grown men” do when they’re wearing masks: fake make out with each other.

i love that ray’s plastic lips are about an inch ahead of the real ones.

we briefly checked out a party on the edge of the east side, which turned out to be lame EXCEPT for the moment when ray found his people!!! it was totally just like when the ugly duckling sees the swans and realizes that he’s not so ugly after all!

except, you know, creepier.

back on sixth street, we quickly realized that henri was apparently the only person downtown dressed as iron man (surprising, i know), which immediately lent him celebrity status. and by that i mean, everyone wanted to take a picture with him! especially the kids!

you might be asking, “wait a second. there were kids? on sixth street? in the middle of the night? hanging out with drunken, half-naked crazy people?”

trust me, kids LOVE it!!! i mean, just look at this happy little boy, palling around with his favorite superheroes!

and check these little supertykes, chilling’ with their mom, freddy krueger! what nightmares?!!

“shiver me pampers!!!”

and my favorite, lil joker!

you know he probably got a LOT of shots for wearing that costume. or maybe flaming dr. peppers. kids go crazy for those!

basically, people treat sixth street like a giant halloween parade, and everyone just stands around and takes pictures with total strangers.

having eaten our treats at parkside, it was time for a few tricks. we decided to capitalize on the massive amounts of photography and henri’s “iron man” fame by playing a little game called: “let’s grab random people and take pictures with ray lurking in the background!”

the girl on the right was a “sexy ghostbuster,” by the way. i think this was the “sexy” costume of 2008, cos we ended up seeing several. venkman would be proud.

oh man, you guys, this game turned out to be AWESOME!!! and no one turned us down! henri was literally grabbing people and hauling them into pictures. but really, could you say “no” to that handsome, yellow plastic face of iron man?

i don’t know what this guy was supposed to be, but he had a glow stick in his pants. which i cut off with the camera because, um, no.

look! it’s dredd pirate roberts!

and SLASH! YESS!!!!! GUITAR SOLO!

and edward scissorhands! totally over-creeped by ray!

this duo was probably my favorite: big trouble in little china! as evidenced by his dramatic pose, ray was impressed as well.

i love this picture, cos the blur of ray in the backround really does freak me out. plus, this was the only guy who asked to *see* the picture, so it was good that ray passed as a “bystander.” otherwise: superhero showdown!

my other favorite costume of the night: labyrinth!!!!! and henri’s actual face!!

and of course, the requisite girls in matching “sexy” costumes.

uh, ray, what are you doing back there?

this guy wasn’t even in a costume! INSANITY!!!

i’ll leave you with this final picture, which will probably remain burned into yr brain until the end of time.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, SIXTH STREET!

LINKS

now that the election is over, the daily show is closely following… the road to the doghouse! YESSS! puppies!!!

check out the new women elected to our federal government. way to go, ladies!

best portrait of obama, ever: with cupcakes!!!

alfred hitchcock: just as twisted as his films? yeah, not exactly a shocker.

alex twittered this link to people bed jumping. you know it’s the first thing EVERYONE does when they walk into a hotel room. right? right.

thrilling the pants off of a world record

today i have to give henri major props for pulling of something incredibly amazing, nay, WORLD RECORD BREAKING.

and i know sometimes i say “world record breaking” when i’m exaggerating, but this time, I’M FOR SERIOUS.

on saturday, october 25, 2008, 881 people showed up at the long center in austin, tx to perform the dance from michael jackson’s “thriller.”

look at all of those zombies!!!!!!

and now, watch them all dance! incredible!

to experience the sheer scope of the event, here’s a great bird’s eye view. i totally feel like this is some kind of massive half time show, i.e. if drill teams did this, maybe i would like football more.

you may be wondering, how did 881 people just *happen* to know the dance and come together to perform it?

well, for the last 8 months (maybe longer), henri has been hosting michael jackson sing-alongs and leading hours (HOURS) of dance practice in conjunction with thrill the world, an annual event where people around the world perform the “thriller” dance at the same time.

and this year, austin broke the world record!!!!

obvs i’m biased, but austin’s success is totally due to all of henri’s hard work. and i am so proud (and relieved!!) to see that his efforts paid off! and were documented via several news outlets!

yeah, that is henri, underneath the scary zombie make-up. it was really gross up close, btw.

Continue reading ‘thrilling the pants off of a world record’

the great birthday dinner debate

in case you missed it, yesterday henri sent me a slate article arguing for the abolishment of “the birthday dinner”:

Seems like a nice idea, the birthday dinner. It is not. It is a tedious, wretched affair. It is also an extravagantly expensive one. In these wintry economic times, we need to scale back. I hereby propose that the birthday dinner go the way of the $4 cup of coffee, the liar’s mortgage, and the midsize banking institution.

if you haven’t read it yet, read it! cos that’s what we’re talking about today, yo! be prepared!

ok, ok, here’s the cliffs notes version for you slackers:

basically, the author points to the hefty bill and awkward seating arrangement as the two main reasons why, from now on, he will decline any and all birthday dinner invitations.

if you do, however, find yrself at a birthday dinner with a big group, he guides you through three possible strategies:

1. sneakily get yr own check.

2. order as cheaply as possible and pray that other people follow yr lead.

3. order as extravagantly as possible cos you know other people will and you’ll end up subsidizing their meal anyway.

obviously, none of these strategies are ideal, which is why he’s decided ix-nay on the birthday dinners.

so, let’s move on to the opinions of pants world. what’s yr take on this issue? is it influencing yr vote in the upcoming election?

i have to say, i found this article to be double true, except for the part about people just splitting the check equally, cos that never happens when you’re in my income bracket.

don’t get me wrong, I LOVE CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS!! i want my friends to feel special and loved!! but i have experienced far too many dinners (not all, obvs, but a lot), much like the example in the article, where i’m miles away from the birthday girl/boy and end up with a totally massive bill because a) it’s a fancy restaurant or b) some people didn’t put enough money down (WORLDWIDE PET PEEVE).

and i think it’s even worse from the birthday pants perspective! if friends are more than one table-length away from you, it’s hard to hold a conversation without being REALLY LOUD. not to mention the *immense* amount of birthday time you waste while waiting for people to figure out the dang check already.

and so i propose that we enter a new rule into ye olde pants world books: NO MORE BIG BIRTHDAY DINNERS.

me and jessica, at the last birthday dinner i will ever have, in 2007. you can tell jessica’s already calculating how much she’ll have to overpay.

i’m kind of in love with this rule, cos it just means we’ll all have to be more creative with our birthdays! and hopefully, it will promote more peace in our society, which is the purpose of laws.

but for real, i’m supporting this proposal precisely *because* i love birthdays so much and want to interact with my friends on their special day (and mine) as much as possible. parties! field days! scavenger hunts! dancing! moonwalks! picnics! the zoo!

who’s with me?!!!

p.s. this post made me realize that i don’t know the other laws of pants world. or if they exist. but never fear, there will be a post about that v. soon…

p.p.s. you guys know i’m turning 30 next year, right? so this post is particularly appropriate cos my celebration is gonna be BIG BUSINESS (and, in case i didn’t just make it clear in this entry, i’m going dinner-less!).

LINKS

WOW. some french kids made a SINGLE SHOT, extremely complicated video to THE ENTIRE THRILLER SONG. a-mazing. and they look like they’re having the best time!!!

jodi sent me this link and asked: “best/worst costume ever?” it’s a little girl dressed up as gallagher, i.e. i’m gonna go with BEST.

according to jon stewart, the palin family is just a bunch of grifters!

screw reese’s peanut butter cups (and you KNOW i don’t say that lightly!!); i want a dean & deluca halloween!

so, is it, like, a hollywood rule that every four years, there has to be a movie about an adult becoming a kid/teen again? case in point: “17 again.” wtf?! at any rate, it’s a good excuse for a funny post on vulture.

whoah, this woman has a rare condition that allows her to write things on her body simply by using her fingernail. this really would’ve come in handy for that memento dude.

architectural optical illusions = my brain just melted.

check out this fascinating list of cemeteries in parking lots.

jordan & juancho’s texas wedding celebration

YEE-HAW, YA’LL!

henri and i just experienced the most texas-y weekend ever, thanks to a fabulous celebration of the recent marriage of our friends, jordan and juancho.

to give you a brief rundown, i was jordan’s advisor at will rice for her freshman year, although i knew from the moment i met her that i had nothing to teach this girl, and she had *everything* to teach me. she’s strong, passionate and just absolute DYNAMITE, and i’ve always admired her ability to take risks, such as spontaneously moving to ecuador (where she met juancho, of course!).

jordan’s mom, mrs. vexler, is totally my planner pants idol, which is why i have been SALIVATING in anicipation of this event since i received the (v. classy, super elegant) invitation.

friday night, henri and i drove over to bandera, a small hill country town you may recall from my family reunion. we were staying with most of the “young people” at the twin elm guest ranch, which hosts its v. own rodeo on friday nights!

you guys, I LOVE THE RODEO. maybe it’s cos i grew up going to small rodeos in louisiana and texas, but there’s just something so sweetly simple about sitting on dusty wooden bleachers and watching girls ride horses around barrels while the announcer drawls, “give this girl and her pony a hand, ya’ll!”

it became v. easy to distinguish between people who had grown up with rodeos and people who hadn’t, as some of jordan’s friends complained about “condoning animal cruelty.” to which, in response, i rolled my eyes like a true texan! YESSIR. i know that might seem weird, cos usually i’m one of those “liberal folk” but come on. it’s a rodeo! you can’t have a rodeo without, say, bull riding!

don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that i’m voting republican or anything crazy like that.

Continue reading ‘jordan & juancho’s texas wedding celebration’

the j’erica party train express

many of you pantsers know that my dear friends josh and erica are getting married next month (YAY!). and, as far as i’m concerned, people should milk as many parties as possible out of such a monumental event.

and so it was with incredible glee that i drove to houston on saturday with josh and erica for their light rail pub crawl engagement party!

i was more excited than i usually am about festivities (i know, it’s hard to imagine), cos I DIDN’T HAVE TO PLAN IT!! instead, master planner pants couple daniel and leah organized the entire night, which consisted of four stops, lots of light railing and even more eating and drinking.

we started the night at the uber uber posh hotel zaza, which has a fabulous patio that overlooks the mecom fountains (usually surrounded by brides and/or quince girls getting their pictures taken). obviously, this necessitated me taking tons of “WE ARE SO RICH” pictures:

don’t meredith and matt look super cosmo and gorgeous?

speaking of frameworthy, HELLO LADIES!

you know, seeing meredith never gets old or less squeeworthy. i swear, every time i see her, i act like it’s been ten years or something and then i’m like one of those people in the airport at the beginning/end of “love actually.”

and of course, the celebrated couple, josh and erica!

Continue reading ‘the j’erica party train express’

jay got married!

as previously mentioned, i spent last weekend in the DEADLY HEAT of arizona to attend my dear friend jay’s wedding.

even though i saw it with my own eyes, i *still* can’t believe jay is married.

not because he’s horrible person, obviously. in fact, jay’s just the opposite. he’s got a heart of gold, tricked out with a veneer of sarcasm and dripping with attitude. basically, he’s one of the world’s greatest charmers.

no, the reason i can’t believe he’s married is because, when i think about jay, i picture him like this:

jay’s the one on the left, attempting to french boba fett.

i took this picture in the middle of my junior year at rice, when jay, gilbert (on the right) and tim (you guys know tim!!) were zany, adorable, tooootally immature freshmen.

these boys were SO adorable, in fact, that my roommates and i (known as the powersuite) decided to adopt them for our v. own, kind of like puppies but with the ability to hold a conversation (well, sometimes). these three little freshmen, along with andrew (you’ll see him later), eventually earned the nickname “the powersuite boys” (clever!), and quickly became fixtures in our room, even when they moved into their own room down the hall for their sophomore year.

jay was the kind of student rice LOVES to cultivate– a chemistry whiz from small town, texas. he loved girls and punk rock music, and one of my favorite memories of him is the time we dyed our hair pink together. i wanted to keep the top layer of my hair au natural, and jay just wanted his tips done.

careful examination of this picture reveals who DOESN’T have a future in the hair care industry.

(”sarah, i said the TIPS!! NOT MY WHOLE HEAD. GAH. this looks so gay.”)

it’s hard to believe, but i haven’t seen jay in four years (really, that can’t be possible). so you can imagine i was DYING WITH EXCITEMENT over his nuptials and the opportunity to reunite with some of my favorite rice pantsers.

friday night, we all met up at the home of stephanie’s (jay’s now wife) parents’ house for some BBQ and much-needed catching up. jay just graduated from cornell with his PhD in chemistry (seriously) and so we gave his doctoral defense (ha ha i don’t even know if that’s what you call it) a careful review.

from left to right: gilbert, jay, ray, tim and andrew

it was SO GOOD to see jay’s face!!!! he looks a little older, but i was relieved to find the v. same jay that i adored back at rice.

and look who he thanked at the beginning of his book!!!!!

YES. i am totally academic now.

jay may be a little older, but he still makes the same dumb faces when he sees a camera. it’s all part of the charm, ladies.

yes, that IS a cupcake. and there’s more where that came from, cos jay loves me. you’ll see!

after the dinner, we headed back to the hotel to share embarrassing jay stories, mostly involving girls (poor gilbert, i.e. jay’s freshman year roommate) and, well, girls.

i swear, it felt like we were back on the “burger king” (or TPCCOTL) couch in the powersuite, laughing our pants off and being ridiculous. it’s like nothing had changed, not even tim’s bad smelling feet.

the next morning, we started our day in the most perfect way imaginable– breakfast at chic-fil-a!

those fine ladies on the left are danny and rachel, btw.

the cashier guy said, “you guys are eating *here*? before a wedding?”

uh, where else would we eat?!! IHOP? please. this is an IMPORTANT DAY.

isn’t danny the cutest? it was so good to see her. and tim knows how to satisfy flossie so well.

the ceremony was held at this gorgeous catholic church:

we got to sneak into the “groom’s area” before the wedding, which was exciting! jay was cool as cucumber, of course. and then i got to pin roses on the guys, which made me feel all kinds of special.

btw gilbert and i are totally going to prom together. esp. cos my dress already matches his vest and tie. i didn’t even PLAN THAT!!!

the ceremony began, and when stephanie walked down the aisle, jay teared up and all of us let out a collective (whispered) SQUEE.

also, the priest forgot stephanie’s name. AND he wrote a “special message” for them that was full of amazingly bad chemistry references. like, ” we already know that you two have CHEMISTRY together” and “however, PERIODICALLY, you may encounter challenges.” i grabbed tim’s leg so hard that i think i gave him bruises but WOW. AMAZING.

after the ceremony, the photographers TOOK OVER and forced the wedding party into a world of awkward poses. you guys think i’m bad? you have no idea.

in that picture, they’re signing the marriage certificate… with MY PEN! they didn’t have a pen, so i pulled out this plastic OBGYN pen i keep in my purse. but that sort fits with the theme, right? also note ray, who is already exhausted from endless posing.

in this incredibly artistic shot, stephanie holds the certificate over jay’s shoulder while making an “OK!” or “gotcha!” finger sign, as demonstrated by the photographer.

see? the girls are about to throw their bouquets! doesn’t that look natural? of course it does!

in spite of the photographer’s maniacal posing plans, i managed to get a few “realistic” shots. this one is my favorite:

yep, those are the boys i knew at rice. and still know, thank heavens.

in addition to my rice friends, it was wonderful to see jay’s parents again. they are incredibly sweet and super texas (yes, jay’s dad wore boots to the wedding AND he brought shiner to the bbq dinner).

we finally made it over to the reception, held at the neighborhood club of the sprawling sun city neighborhood where stephanie’s family lives.

and you know how i matched the vest and ties on the guys? well, guess what. this wedding was OBVIOUSLY designed for me, cos I EVEN MATCHED THE TABLECLOTHS. AND THE NAPKINS.

oh jay, you know how to make a girl feel at home.

not only was there lots of pink, but there was also lots of cuteness!!!

and also LOTS OF CUPCAKES!!!!

yeah, whoever said that cupcakes don’t grow on trees is a big, fat liar.

c’mere, cupcake. i manna eachoo!!!!

seriously, was this wedding made for me or what?

i asked (forced) jay’s grandmother take a picture with me, because i love her so much. the first thing she said to me on friday night was, “i’ve had a picture of you and jay on my fridge since he graduated from rice. but then people asked me if you were his fiancee, so i had to take it down.” ha ha. i love you, grandma!

as if the hour of awkward posing wasn’t enough to impress jay, the photographers whipped up a little surprise for him and stephanie, mere minutes after the photos were taken!

yes, that is a keychain. and yes, jay’s eyes are only halfway open.

BEST WEDDING MEMENTO, EVER.

we all wanted one, actually.

of course, we had to take “the rice picture” for the alumni magazine (the sallyport), even though, like 80% of the other rice weddings i’ve been to, it will never actually be submitted.

and, for all of you weissman out there, we did, in fact, ubangee jay. for the non-weissman, a ubangee is when you get in a big pile on top of someone and make grunting noises that slowly increase in volume and frequency then end with three cheers of “team weiss!”

yeah, it’s kind of hard to describe without making it sound ridiculous. which it is.

speaking of ridiculous, check out tim and ray, soaking up water from the misters like dogs in a sprinkler.

since i love weddings AND am really good at attending them, i’ve decided to make a brochure advertising myself as the perfect guest. i think i’ll put this picture on the front:

don’t you want us at yr wedding? YES YOU DO!

we took a short break to change after the reception, then drove BACK to stephanie’s family house for a light dinner. there’s a street in the neighborhood called “el mirage,” which, when we first passed it on friday, induced the following conversation:

tim: i think we took a wrong turn, cos now we’re on el mira-hey.

andrew: el mira-hey? uh, i think you mean MIRAGE.

so of course we had to stop on saturday and take a picture.

we ALSO had to stop at the neighborhood’s entrance, which was so pretentious that it was practically BEGGING for someone to climb up and pose on it.

ray, i totally think you have a future career in suburb modeling.

after dinner, there was plenty of shiner left, so we took it back to the hotel for our POOL PARTY!

POOL PARTY!

oh man, i love night pool parties. esp. due to my vampiric skin.

we splashed around for a while and eventually begged andrew and gilbert (who weren’t swimming) to get us some food from the in and out burger down the street. i asked for chili cheese fries.

BUT

what i GOT was the DISGUSTING concoction known as “animal fries”: fries with cheese and, wait for it, THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING GAAAHH GROSSSSSSS.

you guys, they were so nasty. i know because I ATE THEM! I CAN’T BELIEVE I ATE THEM!

tim couldn’t believe it either.

ray, per usual, was in fine form that evening. i can always rely on him to provide me with amusing photographs, no matter the time or place. he’s like my old faithful.

while ray excels at looking jackassic, danny is always 100% adorable. it’s like, her genetic structure.

also, i love this photo.

the next morning, ray, tim and i wrapped up the weekend with brunch, including THE LARGEST CINNAMON ROLL EVER NOM NOM NOM.

honestly, it was difficult to say good-bye to everyone as we once again scattered in the wind… who knows the next time i’ll see these faces i love so much?

although the temporary nature of our reunion was bittersweet, i am incredibly thankful that i could be there alongside my friends to celebrate jay– freshman jay, punk jay, pink-haired jay, married jay… all facets of an amazing person that i am proud to know.

happy wedding pants, my dear!

p.s. ray and tim, i hope to see the baby bird in action again soon.

LINKS

you guys, i can’t believe i’m writing this, but paris hilton is sort of… awesome.

vulture compiled a fantastic list of sports they wished were included in the olympics. one word: QUIDDITCH.

SOMETHING I NEED TO TRY IMMEDIATELY: frosting shots. thank you to jodi and cakespy for bringing this important sugar development to my attention.

have you guys heard of the beauty pageant for men? it’s called “manhunt” and no, i am not kidding.

dessiree’s sweet, i mean, “tight” sixteen

in honor of dessiree’s recent birthday, a group of her biggest fans took my homegirl out on the town to embarrass her, i mean, to celebrate her sweet sixteen.

sweet sixteen! can you believe it?

honestly, i can’t remember what i did for my sweet sixteen. but i’m pretty sure it didn’t involve helicopter rides or hot guys carrying me on a chair.

and although i couldn’t surprise dessiree with a brand new BMW, i think we managed to show her a pretty good time (in spite of the number of moments she almost died from embarrassment). seriously, though, it is SO easy to embarrass a teenager. and also? kinda fun. i want to take this opportunity to publicly thank my parents for practicing an amazing amount of restraint thirteen years ago.

anyway

first, we met up at EZ’s for some dinner and presents. of course, we forced dessiree to listen as we sang her the birthday song. she LOVED that.

note the super cool candles with different colored flames, courtesy of josh and erica. and then, note the candles placed on the cheeseburger, idea courtesy of josh and erica.

my friends happen to be awesome gift-givers, so dessiree collected some excellent new loot. of course, i made her take a picture with her presents, because that’s what my mom did to me, and that is what i will do to my future children, god help them.

here’s an easy tip for embarrassing the pants off of a teenager: show the *slightest* amount of affection for yr significant other, in front of the teen, in a public place.

for example:

you may see this as a nod to the innocent puppy love of the 50s, but to dessiree, it’s like we are engaging in some kind of perverse sexual activity.

next up, everyone’s favorite, austin park and pizza! except… “and pizza” has been kicked to the curb, so now it’s “austin’s park,” which is lame. which means i will still call it AP&P, kind of like how old people still say “kentucky fried chicken” instead of KFC.

john met up with us at the park and gave dessiree a card and this cute little snowman monkey thing. i tried to imagine what was going on in john’s head when he was shopping, “so… 16 year old girls like… cute stuff. and look, there’s a strange snowman monkey figure! that’s cute! perfect! and i’m DONE.” but really, john, you did good, cos dessiree loved it.

we immediately hit up the go-cart track, but i’m going to save that part for the end of this post, cos it was basically the climax of the whole night.

our other activities included laster tag, which means i force everyone to take “fierce” pictures:

at this point, dessiree had resigned herself to the fact that i was going to take a billion pictures of her, usually including some sort of instruction, like “look excited!” or “hold that up!” or “where’s yr game face?” the end result was that her face displayed a mix of “why are you doing this to me?” and “if i make the face, this will all be over soon.”

props to john, though, for following directions! he has certainly been well trained by many, many pants world outings involving flossie.

i did manage to get a few “natural” shots, esp. when we were playing video games. john and i found this one game where you get to shoot zombies, and it actually WORKED* (*this is rare for AP&P). it turns out that dessiree has a secret talent for shooting the heads off of dead people. happy sweet sixteen!

henri mostly stuck to his life long mission of mastering ski ball, i.e. earning 8,000 tickets in less than ten minutes in order to win a four foot long care bear. for dessiree, of course.

check out the ferocity on homegirl’s face as she rides the pants out of that motorcyle:

so laser tag and video games are always a blast, but the REAL reason we go to AP&P is to drive go-carts. and the real reason *dessiree* likes to go to AP&P is to beat henri on the go-carts. which, as documented on this blog, she has done before.

go-carts are pretty popular (obvs), so you always have to wait in line for a while. henri and dessiree utilize this time to celebrate their famous rivalry by insulting each other, and, you know, bringing it ON.

sometimes, things get BROUGHTEN a little too hard.

by the time we slid into our go-carts, the tension between these two rivals was PALATABLE. dessiree, however, is totally a cool customer, her face revealing only 100% steely confidence.

you have to admire her bold spirit, especially when dealing with this kind of game face:

“rules are, there ARE no rules! we’re racin’ for PINK SLIPS!”

meanwhile, erica was secretly plotting a daredevil victory of her own!

while john remained sweetly innocent, oblivious to the fact that this race wasn’t for fun, it was FOR KEEPS.

finally, the referee (i.e. moody teenage AP&P staff guy) gave us the signal, and we were off!!

dessiree fought to maintain her lead, in spite of numerous maneuvers (and dirty tricks!) by henri.


lap after lap, our two main competitors remained neck and neck, with the pressure building to an excruciating intensity until… BANG! THIS HAPPENED! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!


COLLISION!! CALL THE MEDICS!

ok, wait, no medics. just call the AP&P dude over so he can turn dessiree’s go-cart around and EMBARRASS HER HUGELY. in front of EVERYONE.

dessiree ended up passing the finish line first, but there was a heated debate (ok, throwdown) afterwards involving the actual cause of the accident.

but you know, what’s a sweet sixteen without a little outburst?

even with her frequent moments of sheer, “please kill me right now” embarrassment, i have the feeling that dessiree enjoyed herself immensely, esp. when she beat henri (twice) on the go-carts. maybe it’s possible that (gasp) teenagers actually LIKE being teased?

i’ll leave you with this picture, which pretty much says it all.

LINKS

jezebel put together some great clips of the late, great estelle getty doing her thang on “golden girls.”

squee of the day: a french bulldog puppy!! oh hai, puppy!

an injured baby dolphin got his own life jacket so he could swim!! squee!! ok, but, uh, PICTURES? PLEASE?

U-S-A, ALL THE WAY!

last friday, pants world gathered together to celebrate the fourth of july like the rest of our fellow red-blooded americans: with meat, explosions and possible burn injuries! USA! USA!

as you may already know, it has become a tradition for us to dine at fuddrucker’s, since

a) they are open

b) they serve LOTS OF MEAT

c) they foster a family atmosphere, and we are all about family values in this country.

just SITTING in a fuddrucker’s makes you feel v. wholesome and patriotic. i mean, look at tommy and selina:

special props to selina for dressing up for the holiday. the only people that topped her ensemble were an elderly couple that tottered in wearing american flag shirts (cue new life goal– to be THAT awesome when i’m old).

while SOME people ordered mexican beer (i won’t name names, since that would beJOSHKATZrude), erica remained unwavering in her devotion to america by drinking a miller lite.

and, in the ultimate win for america, john renounced his irishness by successfully consuming a hamburger and unsuccessfully trying to talk with an american accent.

i have to admit that every time i go to fuddrucker’s (ok, once a year), i order the same thing. i’ve been ordering it since high school… because it’s always been cheap and tasty AND (this is the best part) it comes out before everyone’s hamburgers so i get to eat first and be the envy of all the tummies around me!

that’s right, i’m talking about CHILI CHEESE FRIES.

here is a close-up, which looks really gross but DON’T BE FOOLED THIS IS DELICIOUS.

ok, yeah, that still looks pretty gross.

our group was so large, we basically took over the entire restaurant, which, when you think about it, is exactly what america likes to do.

note: i love the “machine shack” sign, which hovers over a sprawling set of… three arcade games.

my FAVORITE thing about fuddruckers is ringing the bell on my way out to let the staff know that I HAD A GREAT TIME (comic sans) YAY! except… now the bell is missing.

WTF?!! how am i supposed to let them know i “had a great time (comic sans)” if THE BELL IS GONE?!!! fuddruckers better rectify this situation before next year cos this is, like, the liberty bell being stolen. seriously.

outside, we took an extremely patriotic group photo, cos, as we know, this is my favorite thing to make people do. besides buy/cook me food.

just a couple of american kids, hanging out at the local burger joint and bursting into songs about race cars and young love!

next, we drove over to the neighborhood on mt. bonnell to attend a house party with THIS AMAZING SPECIMEN OF A BACK PORCH:

I KNOW! we are SO RICH! which is totally the american dream, so YEAH!

after gazing out over the beautiful landscape that is our nation, we spontaneously burst into a rousing rendition of “my country, ’tis of thee.”

ok, maybe i was the only one. but hey, it was inspiring!!!

you know what else was inspiring? the PATRIOTIC CUPCAKES!!!

the magnificent view afforded us the opportunity to see not one but several firework displays. it was easy to sorta feel like god, giggling over the antics of little people below, which really explains a lot about rich people’s attitudes.

you guys FIREWORKS ARE AWESOME.

maybe… even better than rainbows. but that’s a topic for a different blog post.

i like this picture, cos it looks like neon streamers, which would be AMAZING if they existed. paging coco bongo…

just like the pilgrims, we were not content to stay in one place and instead chose to embrace a new frontier by driving to a party at caitlin’s house. good-bye view, helloooo sparklers!

i love sparklers, because they make me feel like i’m MAGICAL! like, i could be hermione, about to use my wand do something magical cos i’m too lazy to do it the regular way. hey, has anyone actually thought about just how lazy wizards really are? anyway.

some people, like teresa, don’t feel QUITE as magical.

finally, it was time for the best part of the night: THE THREAT OF INJURY VIA FIREWORK.

this is not an event for mere amateurs. oh no. this is an event for IMMATURE, FEARLESS AMATEURS.

warriors like josh duty, who came full prepared in battle regalia.

dad, if you’re reading this, you might want to stop here. just a suggestion.

the most popular activity involving fireworks is, of course, the roman candle battle. and, because i am a Serious Journalist, i put myself in the line of fire just to capture this footage for you:


seriously, it really DOES feel like wizards are doing battle, right on the driveway! i kept expecting someone to yell out “STUPEFY!” or “expelliarmus!”

even erica started to worry that voldemort might show up.

actually, that’s just her reaction to fireworks, period.

oh silly erica, like there was a REASON to be afraid! it’s not like the flying sparks would actually, you know, veer off into the crowd of innocent bystanders or something. i mean, come on.

the ultimate instigator of all of this sparky madness was, of course, tim. this guy fears NOTHING, not even the deadly “evil’s night” (TM).

the finale of the night arrived in the form of a big, cardboard bullet called “power tower.” no, not “the tower of power” but “power tower.”

the power tower DEMANDS RESPECT, as demonstrated by tim.

you have to marvel at american technology (made in china? WHO CARES) when something can transform form a cardboard bullet into this:

ok, not to insult you, power tower, but actually the BEST firework of the night was this one, which i think was a fiesta mexicana (as mentioned on PYROUNIVERSE.COM).

overall, i think we managed to show america WHO LOVES HER THE MOST, even though no limbs or faces were sacrificed in the firework flames (however, several shirts did give up their lives).

AMERICA! YOU’RE HOT! CALL US!

LINKS

the NYT finally wrote about matt harding and his awesome internet dancing ways (GAH i would KILL to get paid for that). uh did anyone else tear up while watching his video? ANYWAY and then there’s this college humor video about matt’s girlfriend…

selina sent me this HILARIOUS segment from ellen, where she tries out a “hawaii chair” that allows you to “sit and be fit.” um… i really want one.

i LOVE this pacman cake (with cupcake ghosts!). i would say it’s too cute to eat but… nah, i would still eat it. thanks, MSW, for the link.

the door to hell… literally (olivia, have you visited this place?!).

thanks to meredith for sending me these delicious GQ photos of christian bale. behold and admire.

squee of the day: a bunny who opens yr mail for you!!!!!!

lake house weekend: 100% fun, 0% axe murderers

last weekend, a group of meredith’s greatest admirers gathered in a lake house on lake quitman to celebrate the birthday of our beloved friend.

and, of course, it was awesome.

lake quitman is REALLY far away, but the drive was obviously worth it. esp. cos i got to see a spaceship!!!!!

yes, it’s the starship pegasus, which is pretty much the best name for a space craft since the death star. and guess what?! you could actually OWN this piece of space history!! see?

dude, can someone loan me a couple thousand dollars? cos hello, how cool would it be to say, “hey, wanna come over to my place tonight? the address is STARSHIP PEGASUS.”

we finally arrived at the lake house, which was graciously loaned to us by meredith’s family, including her dazzling fox of a grandmother.

seriously, when i’m old, i’m gonna BLANKET my house with glamor shot portraits. because, at that point, airbrushing will be my v. good friend.

we headed out back to the deck… dock? end of the pier? eh, whatever you call it, it’s awesome. given the celebratory nature of the evening, we were forced to break out the champ cans.

i don’t know why, exactly (attention, science: future study right here!), but hanging out on the water at night with yr friends is pretty much the best thing ever. maybe it’s the calming expanse of the water, or the reflection of the moon, or the sounds of crickets and frogs, but being out there on the lake, surrounded by some of my favorite people, gave me that This Is What Life Is All About feeling. the night was pure magic, filled with conversation…

singing…

and of course, dancing.

thanks to the 90s station on XM radio, the party eventually evolved into a full on sing-along (i’m sure the neighbors LOVED US).

when matt picks up the radio and treats it like a boombox, you know you’re at a good party.

i’m not sure what exactly is happening in this picture, but i like to think that jill has just invented a new dance called, “Flash Yo Flashlight.”

the night couldn’t have been better… especially considering that we were in the middle of nowhere and therefore prime material for some rural axe murderer. every time someone left to go back to the house, we joked about him/her getting hacked into pieces. and when i say “joked,” i mean, kinda sorta wondered if it might happen and, if so, who would be the sole survivor who gets to come back in the sequel. anyway, thanks for not killing us, murderer dude!

we began the next morning with mimosas on the porch. starting yr day with a mimosa, a swing and yr best friend is WAY better than, like, special k. i don’t care what the commercials say.

after finishing breakfast, we of course had to attend to the v. pressing business of enjoying the pants out of the lake.

i love the laziness inherent in a day on the water. there’s not that much to do, and yet, there’s SO much to do.

first, you can go paddle boating, as illustrated adorably by matt and henri.

honestly, is there ANYTHING MORE PRECIOUS than two boys in a paddleboat?!!!!!! we decided that they were the hardy boys, off to seek adventure in the nearby island.

second, you have to model yr sunglasses, because they are FABULOUS.

i told erin she had a joan collins vibe going, which is a V. HIGH COMPLIMENT.

matt and henri returned from their trip, like the hardy boys they are, with some treasure! after exploring the island, they christened it “shell island,” because this is what they found:

oh boys, being funny.

the main thing you can do on the lake, obviously, is float in it. meredith was extremely prepared, not only with a tube, but with her handy (or should i say, handless?) beer coozy!

so this is pretty much what we did, all day:

i know, water sports are ROUGH.

the entire day really did feel like a beer commercial.

henri and i decided to take the paddleboat back out for another voyage. as we paddled away, my legs were like, “what? is this EXERCISE? cos, uh, i thought we were on vacation.”

it was actually harder than i thought, until i looked behind the boat and realized that we were, uh, towing some extra weight.

what a bunch of freeloaders.

after jerry finally let go, i kept turning around and waving to everyone, just like sandy at the end of “grease” except not skanky.

the exploration of shell island whet henri’s taste for adventure, so we paddled out to the other nearby land mass (turtle island, according to the locals) to see if we could, you know, solve a mystery or find some cool treasure or maybe even a forgotten civilization!

well, we didn’t discover a civilization, but we DID find treasure AND solve a mystery! it was like one of those nancy drew and the hardy boys super specials!!! the treasure we uncovered was actually a clue to the origin of the island’s name!

dude, i love being a teen sleuth.

we arrived back at the dock to find everyone, in an amazing display of endurance, doing the same thing they were doing when we left the lake.

matt, ever the engineer, had even created his own floating bar!

erica’s present to meredith was a bubble gun, which provided us with hours of entertainment. because we are the world’s oldest toddlers.

bubbles are fabulous, but on a LAKE? they are super fabby fabulous.

another thing you can do on the lake? jet ski!

by mid afternoon, we had built up the strength to drag out the jet ski from the garage. i took the opportunity to force everyone to take a group picture, which is what i do, pretty much every day.

unfortunately, the jet ski… didn’t work. at all. which totally sucked, cos it was a huge pain (for the boys) to haul across the yard. plus, i was really looking forward to the wind ripping my hair out.

but i took a picture anyway, cos the guys just looked so dang studly on that thing.

all of the activities i’ve just listed can fill up yr day quite easily, esp. since you tend to repeat them, over and over. esp. the floating and drinking part.

erin and meredith took the paddleboat for a ride, not realizing until it was too late that they had a stowaway by the name of henri and his booty.

i love all of the videos i took on the water, because for some reason, maybe the glint of the sunlight on the water, they look like old home movies. i half expect kevin arnold to swim into the frame.


don’t worry, i moved just before i would have been torn apart by the razor sharp plastic paddle.

and then, there was more of this…

punctuated by surprise attacks from our local water monster, henri.

if you’ve done all of these activities and find yrself still lacking for entertainment, consider the classic aquatic tradition of chicken fighting.

only the fiercest of men dare to do battle in the ancient chicken style, as you can see.

check out this video for an illustration of practical chicken fighting techniques and dirty tricks, including “go for the glasses.”


and, if you’re REALLY a daredevil, you can do what teenage boys have been doing since time began: Trying Dumb Stuff On The Water That May Kill You.

for example, henri, attempting to “surf” on the lake with a boogie board.

meanwhile, matt followed up his floating bar invention with a totally sweet (and i mean sweet) new headband.

he’s like, the richie tenenbaum of the south.

after an exhausting day of chicken fights,