so i figured, what better way to banish my shopping withdrawal than with a fantasy trip to the skymall, the most fantastical store in the universe?! if you wanna join me, grab that cardboard faux credit card from yr pile of junk mail and LET’S GET RIDICULOUS! LITERALLY!

first stop: the kitchen department. my eyes are immediately drawn to the most clichéd posh deluxe product imaginable:

Giant Cupcake Pan $29.95

This whimsical cake will be the hit of the party!

i know you mean THE PARTY IN MY TUMMAH!

speaking of hit of the party, may i introduce you to…

Tex the Armadillo Can Holder $19.95

Our rough-n-ready armadillo, Tex, is a sure-fire conversation piece from his textured armor to his whiplash tail.

aww, and they even used a can of lone star light! he really MUST be from texas!

while we’re here, i think i’ll grab a gift for henri, so i can make myself feel better for purchasing so many items for myself. how about…

Sparkling Water Maker Kit $99.99

Turn water into fresh, fizzy sparkling water at the touch of a button. In less than 30 seconds, your water becomes sparkling water customized to your preferred fizz level, with no clean-up, for about 20 cents per liter.

no seriously, that actually *is* something i should get for henri in real life. the boy drinks like four bottles of perrier a day. because he’s TOO FANCY FOR TAP WATER.

and while we’re on the subject of fancy, OMG!!!!!!!!

Lighted Party Fountain $49.99

The Party Fountain adds a touch of pizazz to any event.

you aren’t kidding with the pizazz, party fountain. i want to purchase you and fill you up with margarita goodness and make you my v. own fountain of youth(ful behavior). however, can i ask what the deal is with the floaty ladies at the top? were they really necessary to sell the product or illustrate its use?

CUE LAUGHTER AT MY AMAZING JOKE. no seriously:

Box of Applause or Laughter $24.95

Craving a little recognition? Someone who gets your jokes? Open the Box of Applause and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Or open the Box of Laughter to hear uproarious guffaws. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Nobel, or Best Comedy Emmy.

um, wow. that’s got to be the saddest skymall description i’ve ever read.

ANYHOO moving on to general household decor, how about– WHOAH. WHAT IS THIS. WHAT.IS.THIS:

Mademoiselle Floor Lamp $395.00

Cast in quality designer resin with a sumptuous black faux-leather finish, her provocative presence demands attention anywhere she strikes a pose!

if by “provocative” you mean totally offensive and sexist, then yes, you are correct, skymall! but maybe i’m being too harsh of a consumer. fountain girls, what do you think?

hmm. you seem to be enjoying it so IN THE CART THE SEXY LAMP GOES.

but hey feminists, don’t worry, skymall isn’t *really* sexist. i mean, would any woman-hater sell THIS?

Personalized Rosie Print $39.95

whoah there, skymall, you think girls can’t use photoshop on their own? HUH? IS THAT IT? YOU #1 SEXIST.

moving on to less controversial territory, let’s visit the pet section! and OMG SIX ADORABLE PUPPIES!!!!!!

Coolaroo Dog Bed $29.99

Knitted-mesh fabric keeps your pet cool and dry because it “breathes”, letting air circulate all around. Helps prevent mold and mildew from forming, and resists insect and bacterial infestation.

wait, the puppies aren’t included? are you serious? who wants a stupid mesh bed if there are no puppies involved? FALSE ADVERTISING.

ok, well, while we’re in the pet section, i think i’ll pick up one of these for all of my friends who own pets:

8-day Auto Pet Feeder $78.99

and no, it’s not because i’m a nice person, it’s because now they will never have the excuse to flake out on me due to the so-called “needs” of their pet AGAIN. MUHAHAHA. and don’t worry, i’ll throw in one of these, too:

Pet Loo $159.00

NO MORE FLAKY EXCUSES, PET OWNERS! also, that is an adorable name for what is essentially a pee and poo collector.

do they sell these for babies? no? ok.

well, even if they DO have pets or kids, i doubt any of my friends will want to leave my side after i get one of these little HUMDINGERS:

Roll-up Electric Piano $99.95

Take this fully functional electric piano everywhere you go to practice your skills or entertain your friends and guests.

OH how i will entertain you. and yes, i do know the opening bars of “the entertainer” so it’s like, a double truth.

one of my fave things about skymall is their selection of gadgets, which always make me think i actually have a shot at being on the “sneakers” team. robert redford, prepare to be IMPRESSED:

Multifunction Sound Camera Pen $179.99

Collecting solid evidence often times requires keen discretion. That’s what makes this 8GB Multifuntion Sound-Activated Video Camera Pen so remarkable. The pen can remain in standby mode for up to 166 minutes and then at the first sound record up to 60 minutes of 1280 x 960 resolution video with a date and time stamp.

you guys, this is so HIGH TECH!!! although to be honest, if i left it on my desk, i’d just end up with audio clips of “LOOK IT’S DIFFERENT ANIMALS BEING FRIENDS! LOOK AT IT!!! OMG I LOVE THIS VIDEO” and unseemly eating noises.

ok, enough with the pocket change. let’s get to the EXPENSIVE SHIZZ. does skymall sell backyards cos I NEED ONE OF THESE:

House of Bounce Kingdom $299.99

Make a child’s Sarah’s dream come true and be the envy of every kid in the neighborhood with this amazing deal on an inflatable Bounce House.

is it just me, or could you fill that front square section with PLASTIC BALLS?!!!!!

now, what else could i shamelessly throw money away on? hmm… wait, when did i walk into the torture device section?

Personal Infrared Sauna $499.00

This patent pending technology uses adjustable in-floor radiant heat to help improve the immune system by increasing the blood flow, starting at the feet.

skymall. i’m here to buy awesome things, NOT NIGHTMARES. sure, sure, that’s a sauna… FOR SERIAL KILLERS TO ENJOY.

GAH. i need to cleanse my brain!!

Skull Sculpture $34.95

AUUUGHHH!!! no sky mall NO!!! i meant something sweet and adorable!!!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star $69.95

Baby will light up the holidays in our adorable star bunting, made of soft, cozy fleece with metallic gold trim and appliqué that feels as wonderful as it looks.

ok, yes, that’s much, much better. CUDDLETOWN USA!!!!!!

whew! well, pantsers, i think i’m about ready to check out. what’s in YR cart?! p.s. DRINK FOUNTAIN BOUNCY PIANO PARTY AT MY PLACE TONIGHT! UNLIMITED APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER! NO PERSONAL INFRARED SAUNAS ALLOWED.

anyhoo, this year, henri decided that, just like the backstreet boys, PRESHOW’S BACK, ALRIGHT! and the first movie to receive our own special brand of ridiculous treatment was, of course, “kick-ass!”

since the movie is all about regular kids being superheroes, we decided to follow suit. meet… THE SILK SPECTATOR!

WATCH OUT OR I WILL OBSERVE YOU!

the silk spectator belongs to a superhero team known as the BUTT KICKERS, whose other members include LIEUTENANT USA and THE PRETTY DECENT AMERICAN HERO!!!!

Don’t worry, citizens in distress! THEY ARE COMING TO EMBARRASS YOU INTO SAFETY!!

i know, they look WAY scarier than anything in “kick-ass,” amiright?

we journeyed to zilker to film our feats of superhero-ness, which i’d like to think really added to the scenery for park patrons that day.

first, the Pretty Decent American Hero faced a dangerous challenge: how many sheets of butcher paper could he break through? THREAT OF PAPERCUTS BE DAMNED!

it turns out that it is FAR more dangerous to be the one holding the paper than it is to be the person running through it. y’all my fingers are scarred 4 life, i am not even kidding. i will send you a picture OF MY SCABS (gross!) on yr phone if you don’t believe me.

next up was Lieutenant USA, who LIKES TO PUNCH THINGS! so he decide to punch lots of ceiling tiles! which is surprisingly easy! so henri, i mean, the pretty decent american hero, made it harder by breaking the tiles on his head. and then he made me do it and i felt bad. which you can see on my face in this video. hello, i’m the silk SPECTATOR, not silk DOER!

and last but certainly not least, the Silk Spectator stepped up to the plate. Her mission? To eat six saltine crackers… in sixty seconds! THAT’S CRAZY TALK!! but when audience entertainment is on the line, this super heroine won’t let you down!

if you listen closely, you can hear me say “uh oh” after the first cracker. NOT A GOOD SIGN YOU GUYS. also, pro-tip: when yr mouth is full of dry cracker, and you laugh, you spew cracker bits into the air like confetti. yay!

and thus ends the adventures of the butt kickers. we fought against saltines, paper, ceiling tiles and, most of all, yr attention spans, and i think it’s safe to say that we TOTALLY SAVED THE DAY! thanks to us, people can live to be ridiculous another day. now, fair citizens of pants world, you better appreciate it! go play apple roulette or something else suitably stupid. YOU’RE WELCOME!

someone said to me, “it’s like we’re inside a snow globe!!” like that would be a good thing, which does not make sense cos if we were actually in a snow globe, we’d be drowning in water. wheee!

ANYWAY!

today i present to you:

Nine Things That Are More Fun To Watch Than Snow!

1. the new “ed hardy boyz” episode, ingeniously titled: “the case of when that hot filipina girl lost her tramp stamp at mini-golf.”
dude, sweet cameos!

2. the warner brothers blooper reel from 1936.
james cagney! humphrey bogart! bette davis! messing up! OH NUTS!

3. new winston video!!!!!!!!
he’s licking himself! in a bowl! truly, this video proves i really can be entertained by winston doing *anything.*

4. new pictures from the wizarding world of harry potter WHAAAAAT!!!!
i know what you’re thinking: you can’t “watch” pictures. AU CONTRAIRE! in harry potter’s world, photos actually DO move, and can therefore be watched. oooh looks like i just learned the spell for OH SNAP.

5. the latest hipster puppy (it’s even better with the caption).
ok, so this isn’t a video either. can you please stop arguing with me and just ENJOY THE IRONIC CUTENESS FOR GOODNESS SAKE?

6. a little boy seeing lobsters for the first time, aka my new favorite youtube video.
caitlin sent me this a while ago, and i can’t seem to stop watching it. i also can’t seem to stop saying, “WOW! WOW!”

7.  mr. pickles, straight outta animals with casts.
HIS NAME IS MR. PICKLES!!!

8. totally unsane scotch tape sculptures.
i bet these people never lose the end of the tape.

9. this picture sally sent me.

so, yeah. FACE HARD, SNOW! now scram before summer gets here and beats the pants out of you.

given the shocking nature of this realization, i feel i should ease you into it by starting from the beginning. see, meredith and i decided to launch the cinematic portion of our slumber party with “some kind of wonderful,” the under-appreciated john hughes gem from 1987. meredith had never seen it, and i don’t think i’d watched it since junior high. suffice it to say, we were unprepared for the SUPREME AWESOMENESS that is this movie.

i mean, that picture alone really says everything. OVERSTYLED HAIR! SPLATTER PAINT JEANS! DRUM STICKS!

what’s not to love about this film? first of all, you’ve got watts, arguably the most kickass heroine in any 80s teen movie. second of all, you have watt’s totally fierce red fringed gloves that i NEED IMMEDIATELY!!! and then there’s eric stoltz’s hotness, not to mention elias koteas, the coolest thug EVAH. and last but certainly not least, there’s the amazing, totally huge, wavetastic 80s hair.

and THAT, my friends, is where our mystery begins.

so, meredith and i are chillaxing on the couch, drinking our martinis and enjoying the pants out of the movie (“enjoying” = intermittently exclaiming, “eric stoltz is SO HOT!” and “WATTS, YOU KNOW YOU’RE THE COOLEST!”) when all of a sudden, the scene shifts to the party at hardy jenns’ (preppiest 80s name ever?!!) and… ERIC STOLTZ IS SUDDENLY WEARING A WIG.

I AM NOT EVEN JOKING.

meredith and i did a double take, much like this one:

except, unlike eric stoltz, when i made that whoah face, I WAS NOT WEARING A WIG!!!!!

and this wasn’t just for, say, one second of the shot, when it could’ve been a trick of the light or something. HAAAALE no. mr. stoltz wears this wig for the ENTIRE PARTY SCENE! and the worst part is that it is a HORRIBLE WIG. like, it looks like one of those cheap ones that come in a plastic bag that you buy at halloween and then halfway through the night you realize you’ve been wearing it backwards but then you decide not to worry about it because no one can tell the difference anyway.

yeah, THAT kind of wig.

after meredith and i managed to take a breath from our WTF-ing, i turned to trusty google to help me find the answer my rational brain was so desperately seeking. and you know what i found? NOTHING!!!! when it comes to eric stoltz, “some kind of wonderful” and wig, THE INTERNET IS A BIG FAIL.

i did eventually find a site that mentioned a reshoot, but it says the theory “is reinforced by a couple of points:

• The cars parked in the driveway at the beginning of the scene, are gone when Keith and Amanda leave the house (the original version of this scene has all the guests leaving long before Amanda and Keith do).
• The front door is still on its hinges when Keith and Amanda leave (Duncan’s gang break the door in the movie version).”

UM AND MAYBE POSSIBLY THE PRESENCE OF A HEINOUS WIG?!! i mean, you notice a door on its hinges but not the disappearance of eric stoltz’s beautiful hair?!!!!

after striking out with google, i realized that it was up to ME to address what is surely a growing need on the internet. after all, meredith and i can’t be the only ones who’ve made this disturbing discovery, and by golly, people need THE TRUTH!

and so, allow me to walk you through my investigation into the Harrowing Case of Keith Nelson’s Hair.

if you’d like to experience this mystery for yourself, here’s the scene where The Wig occurs. note the gorgeousness of eric’s hair at the beginning and then the sudden transformation around 1:24.

if you fear the video may be too shocking, i’ll break it down for you with pictoral evidence from the film. let us begin!

exhibit a: eric stoltz’s (natural) beautiful big hair at the beginning of the movie

exhibit b: eric’s still natural pretty red hair at the beginning of the party scene

exhibit c: WIG!!!!!!!!!!!! (taken at the 1:24 mark of the video)

exhibit d: STILL A WIG (and what happened to his sideburns?!).

exhibit e: WIG WIG WIG!! not to mention the fact that eric’s sweet face looks a TAD bit rounder.

exhibit f: REAL HAIR. THANK GOD (taken after eric and lea exit the house).

WIG IDENTIFIED. INVESTIGATION CONCLUDED.

seriously, y’all, WHY IS NO ONE ELSE TALKING ABOUT THIS?! is it a conspiracy to maintain the respectability of the film? because, if so, that’s ridiculous. not even a heinous wig can tarnish my love for “some kind of wonderful.” even in that particular scene, the wig can barely compete with the following distractions:

1. the pure douchebaggery of hardy jenns

i mean, the guy is a CLASSIC 80s teen villain. sure, he’s no james spader, but that hair! that swagger! that FOREHEAD! (trivia: this guy was on “on one tree hill”! which i don’t watch. but hey, i’m glad he got such a steady acting gig! good for you, hardy jenns!).

2. the total badassery of elias koteas as duncan

SWEET FANCY MOSES i love this dude. “this party is about to become a historical fact!” is now a permanent part of my lexicon, as is this INCREDIBLE statement made by keith’s sister to her friends at the mall:

“look, i was hanging with you fungi in a vain effort to cool you out, but all i’m getting is breeze, so C’EST LA VIE!”

which leads me to glaring internet omission #2: WHY IS THAT QUOTE NOT LISTED AS “MEMORABLE” BY IMDB?!! seriously, internet, you’re getting LAZY.

meredith and i did manage to find some fun, non-wig-related trivia, such as the fact that molly ringwald was originally offered the role of amanda jones but refused it, which is really good because while i love me some molly, she wasn’t exactly the drop dead gorgeous necessary for that character (and lea thompson totally brought it). also (and meredith already knew this), howard deutch (the director) and ms. thompson got married after making the movie and are STILL TOGETHER!!!! SUCK IT SUSAN AND TIM!!!!

with your wig curiosity hopefully satisfied, i will leave you with a little bonus i stumbled across in my intense research: youtube comments about the movie! holla!

“wow nice moral…..dont go to college, get ur girlfriend expensive earrings and wate the college money. nice.”

“So how long does it take a guy to figure out what is really good for him. to bad they women fiugrit it out ealry. Also when are women going to find out that not all guys what to go to bed with them. The guys just want to treat them with respect that they really deserve.”

“yay, finally a movie that ends right!!!”

to whoever wrote that last comment, i couldn’t agree more. VIVA WATTS! as for you, bad wig, all i’m getting is breeze so C’EST LA VIE!

how’s it going in the north pole? i really hope you can wear long underwear underneath yr red suit. anyway, i’m writing to tell you that I AM A HUGE FAN OF CHRISTMAS. hopefully, you’ve been keeping up with my blog, so you already know that, but i just wanted to reiterate how much i TOTALLY BELIEVE IN YOU and yr ability to dish out the goods.

i’d also like to take this opportunity to point out what a good pants i have been this year!!! i have been AWESOME! i’ve worked hard and loved on my friends and family and supported a variety of, um, social causes and started a new website and pet A LOT of puppies and rewarded many fine restaurants and champagne companies with my patronage and spread tons of squee through Girlie Night and did i mention i give money to public radio?

not to brag or anything. obvs. i’m just trying to be real with you.

with that said, i humbly submit to you my 2009 christmas wish list. i was inspired by the neiman marcus “christmas book,” and by that i mean, this shizz is EXPENSIVE. like, it is outrageous and ridiculous and totally an affront to third world countries.

but hey, you’re santa! who am i to tell you what’s impossible?! i *believe* in you, so who cares what the haters say?

also, i hope it goes without saying that OF COURSE i would also like to ask for world peace, an end to hunger, better health care and the complete removal of all genocide from this planet.

xoxo
*posh pants

p.s. please tell buddy the elf i said hi!

royal dandie “extreme” mini-pig
price: $4,500-5,000

LOOK AT THESE MINI PIGS. they literally are called “dandie extremes” cos they are JUST THAT TINY. i don’t think i need to explain myself any further.

recurring role on Friday Night Lights
price: they pay ME, suckas!

santa, don’t tell me you’re already doubting yr own powers. look, i’ve already been ON the show. i mean, for a second. maybe. also if taylor kitsch can pass for a high schooler, so can i, so this should be no problem. plus i can already tell that tami taylor and i will be BFFS TO THE MAX so obvs i will get along excellently with the cast.

cupcake cars
price: $25,000.00

santa, i cannot tell you how many times people have emailed me the link to these cars from the neiman marcus xmas book. it’s obvious that the world NEEDS me to have one of these sweet (PUN INTENDED) little vehicles. honestly, given my enduring support and love for cupcakes, i would say i’ve earned it.

hip hop dance training so that i can finally perform the finale of “step up 2: the streets”
price: PRICELESS

ok, this was on my list last year and I DIDN’T GET IT, so i’m asking for it again, which should indicate to you that this isn’t some trendy toy that i will tire of after a month. this is a LIFE GOAL. p.s. it’s assumed that these lessons would be taught to me by, of course, channing tatum and robert hoffman. honestly i don’t think anyone else would be qualified. i’m sure you agree.

betsey johnson dress from her spring 08 collection
price: ?!

have you ever seen an outfit at a store that you COVETED but then, for whatever reason, decided not to buy and it still HAUNTS YOU TO THIS DAY because it was just THAT amazing? well, santa, maybe not so much for you, since you seem to wear the same thing every day (no offense). let me try to put it in terms you can understand. this dress? it’s like the Ghost of Christmas Past, torturing me with its pinknosity and sparkle and UNATTAINABILITY. i will not be at peace until i own it! and then i will wear it everyday regardless of weather or propriety!

chocolate variation from mezzaluna, inside the lebua hotel at state tower in bangkok
price: $640

i’ll be honest with you, santa. i googled “world’s most expensive dessert” and this is one of the items that came up. keep in mind i actually did NOT pick the most expensive one, because i’m all about taste, not money. check out this description:

At this Italian eatery, dessert is a smorgasbord of tastes: a dollop of champagne sherbet made from Louis Roederer Cristal Brut 2000, gold-flecked edible leaves, a shot glass of crème brûlée with shaved Perigord truffles, strawberry chocolate mousse and a sliver of chocolate cake. It’s all washed down with a glass of very rare—and very expensive—Moyet Tres Vieille Grande Champagne No. 7. (It’s estimated that just 1,000 bottles exist.)

as a highly professional dessert pants, i believe this gift would enhance my Tasty Business Portfolio, so this is, like, a character building type of present.

slumber party with my favorite YA authors
price: depends on the level of bribery required

rest assured, i have already put a LOT of legwork into this one, what with my foreveryoungadult.com-ing and hello, i’ve totally already MET sara zarr (at the tx book festival). so honestly, santa, it wouldn’t be THAT much work for you. all i’m asking from you is:

1. a posh but super comfy house for the weekend
2. delicious party food, including a chic-fil-a nugget platter, sugar mama’s cupcakes and unlimited champers
3. kickass jim jams for everyone
4. sarah dessen, e. lockhart, lauren myracle and sara zarr in attendance

for a guy who time travels every christmas eve, this should be a piece of cake. plus i already own “you’ve got mail” and “pride & prejudice,” so you don’t even need to throw in any dvds!

and that, dear santa, is the end of my list! i know, pretty short, right? i really try to only ask for gifts that are completely necessary.

since you’re already hanging out here on le blog, how about considering requests from the rest of pants world in the comment section? i solemnly swear that all of them have been fine, upstanding boys and girls this year, with the possible exception of henri, but you didn’t hear that from me.

LINKS

squee of the day: trish tweeted this story about a tiger and a bear, DIFFERENT ANIMALS BEING FRIENDS!!!!!! hmm. i should’ve added that to my xmas list.

j.j. abrams is working on a new show about spies, and the reason i’m excited is cos he’s partnered back up with josh reims, who he worked with on FELICITY, meaning i think this show is going to be PRETTY AWESOME. esp. if they cast keri russell. ahem.

so the trailer for “the sorcerer’s apprentice”? it actually looks kind of… awesome.

and, this week, i had a REAL LIFE BRUSH WITH THEM!!!! i almost feel like a celebrity!

so, there’s this bulletin board above the mailboxes in my (v. small) apartment complex. it’s almost always blank, although there’s usually a random object sitting just on top of the mailboxes cos one of my neighbors is apparently engaged in a year-long process where she cleanses herself of all physical encumbrances. like, this week, it was a pair of red platform flip flops. last week, a pair of cut-offs. my favorite week happened right before christmas, when she left an entire BOX of objects that were PERFECT for white elephant gift-giving. to my office mate who received the lovely 70s needlepoint of a mishapen wine bottle and neon orange cheese: YOU’RE WELCOME.

anyway!

two days ago, when i came home from the gym, i was v. v. pleased to discover not one, but THREE notes on the bulletin board. esp. cos two of them featured ALL CAPS WRITING. which you guys know is totally my favorite.

here’s the first one:

ok, two things:

1) i’m glad the note writer rememberd to clarify about dog parks cos otherwise, this note would be worthless and void.

2) the handwritten portion is the best part. in case you can’t read it: “i sympathize with you but FYI an austin law passed in 2005 making it equally illegal to allow cats to roam outside.” oh FACE HARD!!!!!

just in case the subject of the note didn’t realize it was about him/her, the writer added a second page:

this note is obviously far superior to the first note, for the following reasons:

1) 75 TO HUMANS!!!!!! FYI!!!!!!

2) the abrupt change from blue to red ink, which i choose to believe signals an increase in anger and volume if the writer was to deliver this message in person. try it yrself and discover how the color change really drives the point home.

but guess what, dear pantsers! there’s a happy ending to this little passive aggressive saga. instead of elevating the P.A. level to orange, the target of the notes responded with an actual sincere apology!!! look!!

there’s even a picture of cat and dog being happy together! DIFFERENT ANIMALS BEING FRIENDS!!!!

i would mention the mispelling of “truly” but that seems a little passive aggressive on my end.

i’ll keep you updated on any further incidents at my complex, but for now, it seems like the conflict has been resolved. GO PEACE!

also, if you need a pair of red flip flops, i know where you can find some.

p.s. 75 TO HUMANS!

LINKS

squee of the day: a baby gorilla meets his surrogate mama!!!!! and they love each other!

trust me, i hate writing about bathrooms. it’s a gross topic that tends to generate comments about flying fecal matter (YOU GUYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE).

BUT today’s entry is not really about bathrooms, it’s about Doing The Right Thing. this is like, a PSA kind of post rather than germsploitation (<– my least favorite blog genre of all time).

ok, so, earlier today, while in the bathroom stall, i looked down at the floor and noticed a silver chain bracelet on the ground.

now, i could’ve just left it there because, uh, hello, it was touching the nasty bathroom floor. i mean, we’ve already discussed the grossnosity of hershey kisses that were sitting on top of a stall trashcran, and you KNOW that’s not as dirty as the floor. at least, i don’t think it is. UHHH i don’t want to think about it.

BUT ANYWAY i decided to pick the bracelet up in order to place it in an area where the owner might see it (our building doesn’t really have an official lost and found, at least, as far as i know). because it was the Right Thing To Do.

after picking it up (and immediately washing my hands, again), i noticed that the bracelet featured a SILVER CUPCAKE CHARM. I AM NOT KIDDING. it even had a pink rhinestone for the cherry on top!!!!!! IT WAS LIKE MEANT FOR ME!!!!

honestly, for a second, i wondered if the universe had gifted it to me as a thank you for enduring all of its grossness and germs for the last 30 years. then i got kind of insulted, like, hello, universe, could you maybe pick a better place to give me a present than a public restroom?!!!! what am i, chopped liver pants?

but even though i really, really wished that the bracelet had been dropped from the heavens (er, the bathroom ceiling) just for me, i knew i couldn’t keep it. the guilt would’ve been extremely severe, esp. cos it’s the kind of bracelet that clangs around yr wrist and ever little jingle would, like, serve as a reminder of my eternal damnation. sort of the opposite of a bell ringing and angel’s wings. so i carefully laid it on the bathroom shelf and walked away… which probably means someone else has taken it by now. but whatevs.

the POINT is that today, the bathroom became, like, my own private ethics workshop.

which then lead me to do some online research into bathroom ettiquette in general which THEN lead me to the international center for bathroom etiquette!!!!!

it’s for serious! check out their logo!

anyway, i don’t even know why i wrote this post. i guess i was surprised that the bathroom, of all places, taught me a moral lesson today.

and ok, yes, i also wanted to show everyone that i am really good, ethical person. esp. cos I’M STILL ACCEPTING CELEBRITY FRIENDSHIP APPLICATIONS.

LINKS

this is gonna sound gross, but trust me, it’s super cool. the urban beast project takes old taxidermied animal parts and puts them together to create new creatures with fully imagined histories and traits. it is AWESOME. seriously, go there. now. my current favorite is fernando.

emma watson’s on the cover of interview, and it will come as a surprise to no one but ron that she’s looking GORGEOUS.

i always thought a career in baking would be AWESOME… until i read this (fabulous) post from cakespy about the “secret lives” of bakers and realized they have to be at work at 4 AM. uh… no. so i’m no longer jealous of bakers, although i still harbor extreme envy of cakespy for getting to hang out with fresh croissants and pastries. NOM.

matt linked to this awesome visual comparison (courtesy of mint.com) of china and the u.s.

soon i’ll be melting my pants off with music and eating lots of street food and waiting in long lines to use disgusting bathrooms (eh) and seeing lots of famous people!

in fact, you guys, i have ALREADY BEGUN my hobnobbing, cos last week, henri and i were invited to the austin film society’s texas film hall of fame awards! and it was totally fancy pants!!!!!

tim and karrie had some free seats at their table, so they kindly invited us to join them for what turned out to be a fabulous evening! apparently, there’s a theme every year, and this year it was all about RED. i actually never buy red stuff, cos i think it makes my skin look bad (FYI that line is “annie” is totally wrong. redheads should NOT wear red), but then i remembered that i do, in fact, own one red clothing item…

my super awesome vintage valentine dress!!! and i finally had a reason to wear it!!!!!!

i know, that’s not a full length picture. henri has one on his camera but i think he’s holding it hostage. just believe me when i say that i looked like the top of a cake.

ok, well my skirt wasn’t THAT full, nor was it tasty, but you get the idea. i looked AWESOME.

update!! henri finally handed over the proof of my cake topperness.

and yes that IS a giant picture of meat in the background of the first photo. we took pictures at tim and karrie’s house, where i met their friend anthony, visiting from new zealand. anthony didn’t really have any red clothing, but he DID have a special little friend.

of course, tim and karrie looked fabulous!

btw, tim wore that same jacket when they got married. nice!!

the awards were held inside austin studios, which used to be big airplane hangars. as we stepped inside, i realized we were actually ON A RED CARPET! with like CAMERAS FLASHING! i totally felt famous! and also i was glad i was wearing underwear, just on principle. anyway.

as soon as we entered the crowd, i began looking for the people i’d come to see. no, not thomas haden church or luke wilson or brendan fraser (goodness no). i was on a mission to find THE CAST OF FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.

BECAUSE YES THEY WERE THERE!! ok, well, not all of them. but i’d heard that coach taylor, tami taylor and buddy garrity were all gonna make an appearance, and since i haven’t actually seen them roaming around austin (unlike jason street or TIM RIGGINS I LOVE YOU), i was TRES EXCITED.

you can imagine, then, how much my pants exploded when the coach and tami walked on stage to introduce the show!!!!

and the panther action didn’t quit with the intro. oooh no. the night began with an auction (to benefit the film society), and they stayed on stage the entire time!!!!

of course, buddy garrity totally stole the show. the first item on the auction block was a night with zack efron (no seriously), and he totally hammed it up. i honestly started to feel like i was at an auction to support the football team, esp. cos these actors are pretty much like their characters in real life.

and guess who furiously bid on that hot date with zack efron? no, not henri (now if he had the cash, that would be a different story). it was tim!

tim fought hard for some quality time with mr. efron, but he ultimately lost out to a higher bidder. sorry tim. maybe ashley tisdale is free?

meanwhile, anthony decided to bid on an item that wasn’t even listed in the auction guide: a kiss from connie britton (tami taylor)!!! he asked one of the auction girls to find out if it was possible, and as she approached the stage, we waited with baited breath.

she finally returned and simply said, “the coach said no.”

and everyone knows that the coach is ALWAYS right, so we let it go.

connie did look really beautiful though. oh and tyra’s mom was there! and what a coincidence, she’s totally crazy in real life too!

at least she didn’t fall into a glass coffeetable this time.

after the auction, thomas haden church, the host of the evening, started the awards ceremony. he was kinda funny, but honestly, seeing him just makes me miss lowell from “wings.”

usually awards shows are pretty boring, and this one was no exception. HOWEVER, there were some definite highlights. besides the friday night lights cast, my favorite FAVORITE part of the night occurred when larry hagman accepted his award.

you guys, larry hagman is my new hero.

the first thing he said when he got to the podium went something like this (and in a pretty deep texas drawl):

“well, i am just so honored to be here among so many incredible people… you know, i’m sittin’ next to catherine hardwicke, she’s the gal who directed ‘twilight.’ have y’all seen ‘twilight’? what a fantastic movie! i loved it! and i can’t believe such a sweet little thing made that movie!”

i cannot stress to you how weird it was to hear j.r. from “dallas” rave about “twilight.” PANTS BLOWING.

he pretty much gave the best acceptance speech i’ve ever seen. and this isn’t like the oscars– AFS doesn’t cut people off with music. so larry was free to to talk about the recession, making movies and basically any old story that popped in his head:

(make sure you watch around the 33 second mark– that’s the best part)

the climax of his speech involved him throwing out fake $10,000 bills with his face on them. LIKE I SAID, BEST SPEECH EVER.

honestly, larry hagman would be a tough act to follow, but it doesn’t help if you’re a formerly good-looking actor now on BLOAT WATCH LUKE WILSON.

seriously dude, what happened?

of course, luke actually looked pretty good in comparison to the next presenter, brendan fraser.

SERIOUSLY DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED?

seeing those hair plugs in person, even from a distance, was enough to blot out “with honors” AND “school ties.” that’s tragic, dude.

it doesn’t help that, in addition to looking crazy, brendan fraser IS CRAZY. like, MAYOR OF CRAZYTOWN, USA.

check out this clip of him introducing catherine hardwicke and tell me that there is NOT insanity (or coke) running through his veins:

fortunately, catherine hardwicke’s cuteness made up for the previous crayness. she told this story about growing up in small town, texas and getting a big heap of dirt for xmas. seriously. a heap of dirt. she did clarify that it was “carrot dirt– you know, the soft kind that sticks to carrots,” so, you know, it was actually a good present.

what she DIDN’T discuss was why she said yes to making a movie out of the most craptastic book in the history of the universe but anway.

as opposed to the previous presenters, dennis quaid looked surprisingly handsome in person.

but then the hotness dipped right back down to negative levels as soon as billy bob thornton walked on stage. GROSSSSSSS.

you guys, i already knew that billy bob creeped me out, but i DIDN’T know that he’s also a super bitter jerkface. thankfully, he made that clear in his speech which i will not bother to paraphrase for you cos I NEED TO WASH THE ICK OUT OF MY BRAIN.

it’s ok though, cos the night did not end with mr. creepy mcreepington-i-can’t-believe-he-dated-angelina pants.

oh no. my night ended with BUDDY FREAKING GARRITY!!!!!!!!

i love how anthony looks even MORE excited than i do (is that possible?). turns out “friday night lights” is broadcast in new zealand, and anthony is a huge fan!! so we conspired to catch buddy before he could slip out, and we did it!!! YAY US!! we totally hung out with the president of the dylan panthers football booster club!!!!!

and he is totally just as smooth and car salesman-y in person as he is in the show. i’m just glad i didn’t vote against the jumbotron.

thanks to all of this AFS hobnobbing, i now feel 100% prepared to encounter all manner of celebrities this week. most specifically, tim riggins. I WILL TOUCH YR ARM. I MEAN IT.

LINKS

i just discovered my NEW FAVORITE MOVIE (in addition to, like, the other ten coming out this summer). i love you alison janey!!!!!!!! seriously, though, i dare you to watch that trailer without yr heart melting.

if you live in NYC, PLEASE go see this jenny holzer exhibit and then drive me mad with jealousy by telling me all about it.

in other news, marmaduke explained continues to be awesome.

“OKAY.  This is perhaps the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen but, much like with the girls on Rock of Love, after a few minutes of watching it, I’m left thinking, ‘aww, he’s not so bad.’”

i clicked on the link, thinking i’d watch a video about some fugly but charming kid or maybe a really weird looking dog.

instead, i was greeted by the Face of My Darkest Nightmare.

AUUGHHHHH!!!!!!

HOLY CRIKEY!!!! WHAT IS THAT?!!!

i mean, i know it’s a cat. but i think it belongs to satan.

in fact, this cat looks remarkably similar to something from “the dark crystal,” except even scarier cos IT’S REAL!!!! it goes by the name of “ugly bat boy,” which even *i* think is kinda mean. cos hello, bat boy IS ugly. there’s no need to get snarky.

the video below is not for the faint of heart, FYI (and there’s a better video on the link erin sent me, if you enjoy being absolutely terrified).

when i wrote erin back with a succinct “AUUGHHHH!” she responded:

“I KNOW. and yet?  He seems so sweet!  He’s like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast!  All he needs is for someone to read to him, teach him how to eat with the correct silverware, and then have a snowball fight with him!”

uh… erin, that’s nice and everything but the beast was a handsome prince under an enchantment. i’m pretty sure mr. bat boy here is a DEMON WHO HAS ESCAPED FROM HELL IN ORDER TO BRING ON THE APOCALYPSE. i am SO not interested in being life partners with him, even if it involved a sweet disney castle.

anyway, care of the *other* erin (who only sends me CUTE videos, ahem) here’s an awesome compilation of songs from “the office” so maybe you can clear yr brain and actually get some sleep tonight.

p.s. devil cat, i am sleeping with ONE EYE OPEN TONIGHT. and also lots of holy water. FYI.

pants world, i have a v. important question to ask you today.

if you walked into a bathroom stall in your workplace and discovered a hershey kiss sitting on top of the little trashcan for “feminine products”… WOULD YOU TAKE IT?

[boys, even though you don't have that trashcan-- i'm guessing?-- just imagine it was sitting on top of a regular trashcan in the bathroom]

i’m serious, though, i really want to know what you guys would do. cos yes, this DID happen to me today.

and NO, i did NOT take the hershey kiss. obviously. because it goes against every fiber in my being.

this reflexive decision did make me think, though. like, why did i automatically view the kiss with distaste, *especially* given my passion for all things delicious?

was it…

1. the fact that i didn’t know where it came from, hence someone could have touched the chocolatey insides with their nasty germy fingers?

2. the fact that it was in the bathroom, which i never want to associate with something i’m about to put in my mouth?

3. (and this is the most ridiculous one) the idea that the bathroom air had somehow contaminated the chocolate?!!!!!

who am i kidding, it was all of the above. G TO THE ROSS.

as a scientist, i can see that even though the top two influences are indeed facts, they are tinted by my totally paranoid, germphobic nature. i realize this. and guess what? I’M OK WITH THAT. AS A SCIENTIST. and as a person who will never, ever use a port-a-potty again, even at the risk of bladder explosion and possible death.

but i need more data for this study, so please answer the question (with an analysis of yr behavior!) and help me to determine how highly i rank on the Crazytown Germphobe Scale.

p.s. when i went back to that same stall later in the day, THE KISS WAS GONE. did someone TAKE IT and EAT IT?!! or just throw it away? this question continues to haunt me.

LINKS

this squee of the day is, like, SCIENTIFIC. so you learn something *while* squeeing. bonus!

coolest paper airplane ride, ever.

you guys!!!! let’s go visit agatha christie’s house!!!!!! it’s fully restored and you can stay the night there and even if someone gets murdered, the mystery will totally get solved!!!

vulture’s already predicting the highlights of hugh jackman’s opening song at next year’s oscars, and obvs they’re hilarious (and, um, kind of right on).

meet the stylist of “mad men”… and then be v. v. jealous of her.

if you’re a fan of “the wrestler,” then you’re probably a fan of wrestle jam. and guess what, it’s a real video game!