the most horrendous thing happened to me on monday night.
i wasn’t going to write about it, because i try to keep this blog devoid of anything serious or evil, but the memories are HAUNTING ME to the point that i must expel them before i become like that lady in the “yellow wallpaper” story, i.e. CA-RAZY.
so, early monday evening, i got home from the gym, took a shower, then walked into my closet to figure out what to wear. i don’t know about you guys, but every time i walk into my closet, i have to stare at every single item of clothing that i own, as if some new shirt or pair of pants will suddenly materialize that i absolutely HAVE to wear for, you know, a monday night.
anyway, while staring at the “t-shirt” section of my closet, i spied…
GAH i can’t even TYPE THIS.
ok ok ok i saw– I SAW A MASSIVE ROACH. ON MY BLACK SUPER TRACK T-SHIRT.
that is like, my favorite t-shirt, btw. besides the one with the vampiric hamburgers on it.
YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSS AUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
even though i shrieked, i tried to contain my panic while running to the kitchen to grab a can of raid. except HA HA I DON’T HAVE ANY RAID.
i decided that carpet cleaner would be a good substitute (in a crisis, you have to think fast, people), so i ran back to my closet, clutching the spray bottle and grabbing one of my shoes in case i had the chance to smash the roach on the floor. see? not panicking. NOT PANICKING.
the roach was still there, perched on my shirt and taunting me with its nasty, nasty grossness. i could practically hear it whispering, “that’s right, i’m putting my tiny, germ-infested legs and disgusting, shiny shell of a body ALL OVER YR FAVORITE SHIRT! and guess what? i just came from the DUMPSTER! and a big pile of DOG POO! MUHAHAHAHA.”
visualizing angelina jolie in “wanted,” i quickly pulled out the spray bottle and showered the roach with carpet cleaner, drops flying like bullets. NO MERCY, YOU SCUMBUG.
and then the roach…
disappeared into my clothes. IT WENT BACK INTO MY CLOTHES. IT DID NOT FALL ONTO THE FLOOR SO THAT I COULD KILL IT. IT ESCAPED.
this totally never happened to angelina jolie in “wanted.”
i just stood there, staring at the sleeve where it had perched. horror began to engulf me with ice cold flames as the roach’s mad cackling faded into my “tank top” section. who knows what havoc it would wreak? who knows what sorts of germs and plagues it would spread throughout my wardrobe? i pictured it holing up in my delia’s sweater and having babies in the sleeves. ROACH BABIES AUUUGHH.
ok i have to take a break.
whew. thank you, squee.
an hour later, i cautiously peeked into my closet and spied the roach on the sleeve of my one good suit.
i then fled my apartment.
since that night, i haven’t seen the roach, but its evil cackling echoes through my head. whenever i have to go in my closet, i just put one foot in, grab the item i need, give it a good shake, and then quickly walk away. at night, i lay awake, tormented by visions of roach manifest destiny slowly encompassing my entire apartment.
that’s why i had to share this harrowing tale with you guys. i can’t handle this horror alone. and so, by opening up about my experience, i’ve shed light into the darkness of my soul.
and now I’M GOING TO BE A BRAVE GIRL! better yet, i’m going to be a *smart* girl and buy some roach poison thingies at CVS! i think assasin angelina jolie would approve.
thank you, pants world, for sharing my burden. and if you have nightmares about roaches crawling all over you, i am truly sorry. just do what i did and read “cute overload” all day. oh and sleep with every inch of yr body covered by a sheet. everyone knows roach germs can’t breach a thin, cotton sheet.
second best news of the day: seth green (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and breckin meyer are gonna be on “heroes”! dude, i really hope they perform a dujour single (thanks, meredith, for the link).
dude, i got a huge kick out of this story about kurt cobain hating on axl rose. i’m assuming, though, that he loved slash. cos who doesn’t love slash?
last friday, pants world gathered together to celebrate the fourth of july like the rest of our fellow red-blooded americans: with meat, explosions and possible burn injuries! USA! USA!
as you may already know, it has become a tradition for us to dine at fuddrucker’s, since
a) they are open
b) they serve LOTS OF MEAT
c) they foster a family atmosphere, and we are all about family values in this country.
just SITTING in a fuddrucker’s makes you feel v. wholesome and patriotic. i mean, look at tommy and selina:
special props to selina for dressing up for the holiday. the only people that topped her ensemble were an elderly couple that tottered in wearing american flag shirts (cue new life goal– to be THAT awesome when i’m old).
while SOME people ordered mexican beer (i won’t name names, since that would beJOSHKATZrude), erica remained unwavering in her devotion to america by drinking a miller lite.
and, in the ultimate win for america, john renounced his irishness by successfully consuming a hamburger and unsuccessfully trying to talk with an american accent.
i have to admit that every time i go to fuddrucker’s (ok, once a year), i order the same thing. i’ve been ordering it since high school… because it’s always been cheap and tasty AND (this is the best part) it comes out before everyone’s hamburgers so i get to eat first and be the envy of all the tummies around me!
that’s right, i’m talking about CHILI CHEESE FRIES.
here is a close-up, which looks really gross but DON’T BE FOOLED THIS IS DELICIOUS.
ok, yeah, that still looks pretty gross.
our group was so large, we basically took over the entire restaurant, which, when you think about it, is exactly what america likes to do.
note: i love the “machine shack” sign, which hovers over a sprawling set of… three arcade games.
my FAVORITE thing about fuddruckers is ringing the bell on my way out to let the staff know that I HAD A GREAT TIME (comic sans) YAY! except… now the bell is missing.
WTF?!! how am i supposed to let them know i “had a great time (comic sans)” if THE BELL IS GONE?!!! fuddruckers better rectify this situation before next year cos this is, like, the liberty bell being stolen. seriously.
outside, we took an extremely patriotic group photo, cos, as we know, this is my favorite thing to make people do. besides buy/cook me food.
just a couple of american kids, hanging out at the local burger joint and bursting into songs about race cars and young love!
next, we drove over to the neighborhood on mt. bonnell to attend a house party with THIS AMAZING SPECIMEN OF A BACK PORCH:
I KNOW! we are SO RICH! which is totally the american dream, so YEAH!
after gazing out over the beautiful landscape that is our nation, we spontaneously burst into a rousing rendition of “my country, ’tis of thee.”
ok, maybe i was the only one. but hey, it was inspiring!!!
you know what else was inspiring? the PATRIOTIC CUPCAKES!!!
the magnificent view afforded us the opportunity to see not one but several firework displays. it was easy to sorta feel like god, giggling over the antics of little people below, which really explains a lot about rich people’s attitudes.
you guys FIREWORKS ARE AWESOME.
maybe… even better than rainbows. but that’s a topic for a different blog post.
i like this picture, cos it looks like neon streamers, which would be AMAZING if they existed. paging coco bongo…
just like the pilgrims, we were not content to stay in one place and instead chose to embrace a new frontier by driving to a party at caitlin’s house. good-bye view, helloooo sparklers!
i love sparklers, because they make me feel like i’m MAGICAL! like, i could be hermione, about to use my wand do something magical cos i’m too lazy to do it the regular way. hey, has anyone actually thought about just how lazy wizards really are? anyway.
some people, like teresa, don’t feel QUITE as magical.
finally, it was time for the best part of the night: THE THREAT OF INJURY VIA FIREWORK.
this is not an event for mere amateurs. oh no. this is an event for IMMATURE, FEARLESS AMATEURS.
warriors like josh duty, who came full prepared in battle regalia.
dad, if you’re reading this, you might want to stop here. just a suggestion.
the most popular activity involving fireworks is, of course, the roman candle battle. and, because i am a Serious Journalist, i put myself in the line of fire just to capture this footage for you:
seriously, it really DOES feel like wizards are doing battle, right on the driveway! i kept expecting someone to yell out “STUPEFY!” or “expelliarmus!”
even erica started to worry that voldemort might show up.
actually, that’s just her reaction to fireworks, period.
oh silly erica, like there was a REASON to be afraid! it’s not like the flying sparks would actually, you know, veer off into the crowd of innocent bystanders or something. i mean, come on.
the ultimate instigator of all of this sparky madness was, of course, tim. this guy fears NOTHING, not even the deadly “evil’s night” (TM).
the finale of the night arrived in the form of a big, cardboard bullet called “power tower.” no, not “the tower of power” but “power tower.”
the power tower DEMANDS RESPECT, as demonstrated by tim.
you have to marvel at american technology (made in china? WHO CARES) when something can transform form a cardboard bullet into this:
ok, not to insult you, power tower, but actually the BEST firework of the night was this one, which i think was a fiesta mexicana (as mentioned on PYROUNIVERSE.COM).
overall, i think we managed to show america WHO LOVES HER THE MOST, even though no limbs or faces were sacrificed in the firework flames (however, several shirts did give up their lives).
i have to warn you right now that the following entry will almost definitely MELT YR PANTS WITH INCREDIBLENESS.
so, if you’re ok with that, please keep reading.
henri, erica, papa g. and i spent the last two days of our trip in the sunny party town of cancun. given all of the spring break stories i’ve heard over the years, i was DYING to see this place for myself.
and guys, it did NOT disappoint. for many, many reasons.
first, erica got us a FANTASTIC deal at a posh hotel resort, due to her employment. this place was POSH DELUXE TO THE CLASSY MAX. check out the view from our balcony:
more on the hotel later…
second, we got to eat in REAL RESTAURANTS AGAIN. after a week of crappy buffet food (no hard feelings, grand coco bay!), it felt GREAT to walk over to the nearby italian place, no matter how touristy it was.
check out this awesome sunset shot of some v. happy and sun-tanned campers:
not only was this a real restaurant, but it was ON WATER. i totally felt like a country mouse– “look, ma! it’s a menu! a REAL menu! and oh my lands, that’s an honest to god WAITER! we sure is bona fide now!”
dinner was great, but the night was about to reach IMPOSSIBLE LEVELS OF AWESOMENESS. because we were heading downtown… to coco bongo.
first, let me explain that “the strip” in cancun is basically just about two blocks full of neon lights and bars offering $15 all you can drink deals. it’s like vegas, jr.
here, for example, is carlos n charlies, where thousands of college kids go every year to do really stupid things and then buy a t-shirt as a memento.
the TRUE highlight of cancun, however, isn’t eating the worm or doing a shot from some girl’s cleavage. it is a place of legend, a magical, mythical place, nay, EXPERIENCE, known as coco bongo.
coco bongo was actually started by jim carrey and inspired by the club featured in “the mask.” but it’s not just a bar where you can watch cameron diaz and fight 1930s gangsters. oh NO. it’s a place where you can not only see yr favorite musical stars, including elvis, madonna and michael jackson, but you can ALSO re-live yr favorite movie moments AND watch yr favorite comic heroes do battle.
i know, it sounds too good to be true. but it’s REAL! or at least, it’s like, impersonator real.
the club wasn’t open yet, so erica, henri and i hit up one of the bars nearby, where we narrowly escaped being forced to take a shot directly from a shot girl’s mouth (GROSS). and when i say shot girl, i actually mean shot middle aged woman. yeah. i couldn’t get a picture of her, but erica and henri’s reaction to her is really the only illustration you need.
yeah, sometimes cancun is… not so pretty.
finally, the club was open, and it was time to step, er, escalate inside…
we were immediately greeted by an exceptionally enthusiastic mask guy who kept sticking is tongue out. the only person with more enthusiasm than this guy was, well, erica. as you may have guessed.
since we were near the front of the line, we had our pick of prime spots in the club. we wisely chose the second level balcony, which gave us an excellent view of the stage while removing us from the crazed high school (and college) seniors who would undoubtedly spill many drinks (among other things) below.
the show began almost immediately with an act based on “memoirs of a geisha,” which featured fan dances, acrobatics and confetti.
at this point, i had no idea how much confetti there would be in this show. so i was like, “look! a little confetti! that’s nice!” ha ha, if only i knew what was in store…
then there was a robbie williams impersonator who sang “mack the knife” with some vegas-y back-up dancers. it was cool, but i had yet to be wowed.
THEN they showed a clip from “cocktail,” and i was like, “playa PLEASE! cocktail?!!!” that is, until i saw a dance routine on the bar featuring four spinning bartenders and flaming drinks.
ok, that was pretty cool, even if it was inspired by a tom cruise movie.
next up, there was a ricky martin number (i think?!!), which, i’m sorry, paled in comparison to “comedy night” at grand coco bay. still, the dancing was pretty great.
and then they unleashed BALLOONS!!! a TON of long, skinny balloons that you could wave around and hit people with!!! look look!
and yes, all of those girls are standing on the bar.
the confetti was still my favorite, though. i have NEVER EVER experienced this kind of confetti madness in my LIFE. i felt like some kind of gold medalist in a parade, or maybe princess diana when she got married, or something.
henri is sooo gonna buy more confetti cannons for sing-alongs.
after this solid beginning, the show became a LOT more amazing, and also, a LOT more crazy. like, you cannot even imagine how crazy. like, “passion of the christ acrobats” kind of crazy.
no seriously. there were passion of the christ acrobats who came down from the ceiling while a clip from the movie played.
and then they did this:
as with all things coco bongo, you really have to see it to believe it. which is why, by the end of this blog entry, you’re gonna owe flossie a thank-you note.
uh… wow?
that act is tough to follow, which is why madonna came out next.
she was pretty great, but not NEARLY as amazing as FREAKING SPIDERMAN. BATTLING THE GREEN GOBLIN. JUST LOOK AT THIS:
have yr pants melted off yet? no? oh, ok. then watch THIS:
yeah, this is all happening at A CLUB. IN CANCUN. WHERE I WAS.
it was like one of those universal studio shows, except NOT LAME. and with STEAM. HOLY CRAP.
destiny’s child (or was it just beyonce? it was hard to tell) came next, but i’m sorry, i don’t care how bootylicious you are, you can’t top spiderman.
still, there was more confetti, and i’m always a fan of that.
i love how coco bongo seeks the most entertaining aspects of all pop culture worlds by combining musical artists with movies with cartoony things like spiderman. or even… beetlejuice! beetlejuice! beetl- don’t worry, i won’t say it three times. duh.
beetlejuice even flew out into the audience, where he was joined by a few other castmates, one of whom surprised me greatly as you’ll see in the video below.
elvis is cool and everything, but the next performance SQUEED MY PANTS OFF. cos it was satine! from moulin rouge! swinging down to the crowd just like in the movie! IT WAS LIKE I WAS IN MOULIN ROUGE!!! ZOMGGG!!!
seriously, how cool would it be to have satine bring you a bottle of champagne? i probably would have burst out with “MYYYYYY GIFT IS MY SOOOONG,” which would have been v. embarrassing but undoubtedly appropriate.
satine’s entrance was followed up with the performance of the “lady marmalade,” featuring lots of sequins and lingerie, as it should.
at one point, giant balloons floated into the crowd and were combined with fog. seriously, i was in special effects heaven. all that was missing were fireworks, which i guess are kinda taboo after that whole great white thing.
the show began to wind down, so erica and henri and i made our way to the floor, where we unfortunately observed the single worst axl rose impersonation i have EVER seen. i mean, COME ON. how hard is it to sway back and forth while screaming and singing? i can’t believe this guy had the nerve to tarnish the image of guns ‘n’ roses in such a fashion. like, axl rose could SUE him for defamation, and that’s saying a lot, considering how much axl rose has defamed himself.
and, as i said disgustedly during the performance, “he’s wearing TWO kinds of plaid. i mean, that is just RIDICULOUS.”
at least slash looked pretty good. if slash had looked bad, things between coco bongo and me would have gone south in a hurry.
in spite of the lackluster G&R, i was glad we ended the show on the floor, amidst the plebian, fratty masses, where the drinks flowed freely and the confetti flowed even more.
conco bongo, i’m going to say something that is often heard in cancun but rarely meant:
“thank you for an amazing night. i’ll never be the same again.”
forget myspace! now there’s HOFFSPACE! finally, a place to go and make fun of people who love david hasselhoff.
john sent me this article about a heinz ad (also featured in the article) that got pulled cos two guys kiss in it and people complained. which is a shame, cos the commercial is totally hilarious and not “gay” at all. seriously, people, there are BETTER WAYS to spend yr obviously copious amounts of free time.
right! so the bike gang arrived, victorious, back at the resort and proceeded to clean our badass (read: sweaty) selves up for the evening’s bachelor & bachelorette festivities!
all of the ladies were headed to this super charming italian place, which i took a picture of during the day:
yes, it’s called ula gula, which sounds like the name of a rotund jungle queen.
as the bachelorette, meredith was forced to wear really cheesy “THIS IS MY LAST NIGHT AS A SINGLE GIRL WOO-HOO I’M CRAZY PANTS BUY ME A SHOT!” items by her sisters, erica and stacey. she accepted all of her accoutrements like a good sport and even managed to use her handy shot glass necklace once (or twice).
after dinner, we walked down fifth avenue, where all of the old men sitting in the outdoor cafes whistled to her and yelled out, er, compliments in spanish. it felt like a combination of old world europe and sixth street, but with less of a b.o. smell.
we strolled into this seriously cool bar/restaurant called the blue parrot, which i ALSO took a picture of during the day, cos i am a crafty blogger pants.
isn’t that awesome?!! all of a sudden the bachelorette party had turned into a swiss family robinson episode, where the older kids figure out how to make tequila with some stones and a little bit of old fashioned elbow grease.
after THAT, we met up with the guys, who had spent the evening eating giant platters of meat and smoking cigars (you know, pretending to be manly), at this super hip rooftop bar:
yes that is a POOL. i seriously felt like we were on “the hills” or something, cos the lighting was totally mod and neon and all of the bartenders were hot with ironic mustaches.
henri decided to be a good friend and not let meredith drink alone.
we hung out at the bar for a little while, and i got to know more of the folks in the wedding party, including kiley’s (the groom) brother, tom. tom is what you would call A Hugger.
fortunately, stacey was not harmed during the taking of this picture.
the party eventually moved on to the beach-side of the blue parrot, which features a dance floor and a bar with swings!! you guys!! you can SWING at the bar! what a SUPER FUN BAD IDEA!!!!!
and yes, yes, i took a picture during the day. you don’t have to thank me.
of course, the club was an entirely different creature at night… the music was blaring and the dance floor was HOPPIN’, thanks in large part to participation of our party.
see look! more swings!
jim and alexandra demonstrated how to bar swing responsibly:
meanwhile, we GOT BUSY ON THE DANCE FLOOR!
i can say, with all confidence and extreme pride, that my friends *know* how to bring on the dance party. whether we’re in an apartment or a parking lot or even a moving vehicle, we shake our groove thangs like nobody’s business, with the attitude to match.
i mean, just look at these dance faces:
and hey, there’s alex! some of you may recall this charming, terribly witty gentleman from the boat house last summer. it was SO GREAT to see him again in mexico, since he now lives far away in LA.
oh, you want MORE henri and alex dance action? ok, i’ll give it to you.
seriously, i didn’t see anyone else REMOTELY close to stepping it up like these guys or the rest of our group. however, i *did* see a drunken high school girl pour her (full) drink on top of her head and then, in a pièce de résistance, fling the glass onto the (cement) dance floor, where it smashed into a million highly dangerous pieces. esp. given the fact that some people, like alex, were dancing barefoot.
thanks, drunk high school girl!! SPRING BREAK 2008 WAAAAAAA!!!!
it didn’t take long for henri to steal meredith’s veil and use it to obtain kisses. “hey, it’s my last night as a single gal! gimme a kiss!”
the dance party eventually gravitated even closer to the ocean onto the sand, where everyone tossed off their shoes and danced with wild, “we’re on a beach at 2 AM! we are children of the night!” abandon.
all in all, definitely a fantastic night.
the next day, there was actual sun! just like the brochure said!
it turns out that breakfast is the best buffet meal of the day, so you can bet yr bottom dollar i showed up there every morning with an excited tummy and a big ole smile for the omelette lady.
plus, check out the great view!
in addition to evening entertainment, the resort staff puts on all kinds of activities, like beach volleyball and soccer, i.e. things i would never do, esp. when i’m on vacation. i was a little tempted by the water aerobics, though:
i found erica and stacey hanging out at the swim-up bar with their dad, mr. greenhouse, known affectionately as “papa g.” he’s a wise-cracking, slightly crotchety guy from new york who loves bruce springsteen and vodka on the rocks. once i asked him what he thought he wanted to be, as a kid, and he replied, “a bookie.” yep, that’s all you need to know, folks.
anyway, i love this picture, cos erica had just touched his back with her cold and wet hands.
i ran into henri, who never made it to breakfast for the duration of the trip (surprise), and we decided to check out the beach. and guess what? there was a beach baby!!! OH HAI BEACH BABY!!!!!!
well, actually, there were two beach babies.
you can also find this picture on the “july” page in the Hot Studs of Playa del Carmen calendar.
in spite of my vampiric nature, i was so so so happy to soak in a gorgeous day at the beach…
… in the shade, of course. i proceeded to spend the next few hours in one of those beach chairs, under an umbrella, reading my book while coated in sunscreen and wearing my hat, for good measure.
you guys. THIS IS BLISS. I COULD DO THIS UNTIL THE END OF TIME. like, whenever i thought about this trip, i pictured myself doing EXACTLY THIS. AND IT WAS JUST AS AMAZING AS I HAD HOPED.
it helps that i’m *completely* engrossed in the dark tower series (thanks again to meredith), which i will eventually review on this blog but WOW. in spite of my amazing view of the beach, i rarely looked up from the pages of this incredible, epic adventure (sound familiar, mom and dad? “sarah. we are in HAWAII. put down yr nancy drew and LOOK AROUND FOR GOODNESS SAKE.”)
seriously, though, if i was rich, i would do this all day. but maybe with my own private margarita-making staff. and also my own starbucks barista.
anyway
that night, it was time for another round of scintillating entertainment brought to you by the grand coco bay staff!!!!!
first, for the kids, there was an extremely intense musical chairs contest, featuring the mighty force known as leo.
check out leo’s unique approach to handling this most serious and often deadly competition:
honestly, this game got SO INTENSE. i was sitting next to erica, with her parents (leo’s grandparents) behind me, and we could BARELY KEEP IT TOGETHER. every time the music stopped, i swear i almost peed my pants. WOULD LEO GET A CHAIR?!!!!! THE FATE OF THE WORLD HUNG IN THE BALANCE.
watch the end of the competition and tell me that you didn’t at least stop breathing for a minute or two (special thanks to henri for this video):
LEO WINS!!! LEO IS THE CHAMPION!!!!!
note the grandparents leaping to their feet with applause… cos that’s what grandparents do! they beam (and sometimes explode) with pride!
they also wear matching clothes with their grandkids! check out the little champ with his v. proud grandpa:
after his amazing victory, leo learned a dance on the stage with the rest of the kids. of course, being the superstar he is, he had to throw in some of his own moves. also, watch for a cameo from my favorite little girl! I LOVE KIDS DANCING.
oh, but the night wasn’t over yet! cos it was time for the MR. GRAND COCO BAY COMPETITION!!! and guess who got nominated?!!
no, no, it wasn’t leo.
it was HENRI!!!!
henri (supposedly) didn’t want to go up there, but alexis, a member of our party, pretty much forced him to. i think he was nervous, since he’s conducted his fair share of competitions on the alamo stage and knows that most contestants would never volunteer if they knew what lay in store for them…
first, since mr. grand coco bay is a manly man, there was a chugging contest. but with straws (SATC cosmo race shout-out! holla!).
ok, that guy on the left was FAST! he became known as “chicago” (henri was “texas”) and appeared to be the greatest threat to henri’s victory (although personally i was worried about the bald guy next to henri, who looked like he could kick the crap out of every person on stage using just his plastic straw and brute power).
i’d like to point out that by this time, little mr. champion pants had fallen asleep. sorry, henri, but this was no High Stakes Musical Chair Battle.
the next contest was even MORE manly: push-ups! yikes!
fortunately, henri is always a man with a plan.
sure sure it’s funny now, but at the time, i was like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT MAN COULD CRUSH YOU WITH HIS PINKY FINGER!”
fortunately, that guy had a sense of humor, esp. given the fact that his son ended up being henri’s #1 fan. yeah, it turns out that the super cute kid in front of me (who i had befriended at the pool earlier that day– i asked him, in spanish, if he spoke english, and he replied, “i’m not speaking english,” as if to say, “i could… buuuut i’m not really feeling it right now.”) was ready to cheer for anyone who WASN’T his dad. he developed a preference for henri, however, and when chicago won the push-up competition, my friend was not pleased.
the final portion of the show consisted of each man coming out, dressed in ridiculous drag, and lip synching to a divalicious pop song. this was, by all accounts, the best part of the show. i mean, look:
I KNOW. HENRI IS WEARING A JUMP SUIT. AND A TIARA.
i actually have video of henri’s inspiring performance of britany spears’ “toxic,” which included a caterpillar move that LITERALLY brought the house down. but… henri asked me not to post it. and, since i like having a boyfriend, i have reluctantly agreed.
(but if you come over to my apartment, i will totally show it to you! shhh!)
suffice it to say, henri’s incredible (and agile!) performance earned him the crown (er, tiara) of Mr. Grand Coco Bay, a title everyone (except for henri) enjoyed referring to over the next several days.
my little friend was, of course, TOTALLY EXCITED.
henri was awarded with various grand coco bay accessories, including a scarf and fanny pack that i’m *pretty sure* you will see this summer at the beauty bar. and, like any conscientious celebrity, mr. grand coco bay took time out of his busy coco baying schedule to take a picture with his greatest fan.
i really, really want a mug with this picture on it.
tomorrow: the posh deluxe interview! and next week, i’ll resume with more mexico stories… the wedding! coco bongo! my afternoon as the richest person ever!
LINKS
i just found something that i love more than cupcakes. i know, it’s hard to believe… until you see what i’m talking about. MINI TOY DESSERTS!!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS. I MUST HAVE THESE. if i was cruella deville, these would be my dalmatian coats. that is how cray cray obsessed i now feel. esp. the pierre hermé collection, which of course is sold out. seriously, it is NOT too early to start thinking of what to get me for my 30th birthday…
so i’ve always wanted to live in a house with a secret passage way. then, i read about this apartment on fifth avenue. now, i want a house filled with puzzles and secret panels and hidden doorknobs and poems behind walls and WOW. way to spend yr money well, rich people!!
thanks to ananka’s diary, i just found my new favorite artist: yarisal kublitz. you GUYS. you MUST watch these videos of her art… funny, creative, amazing. also? she made an anger vending machine. dear city of austin, pretty please?
as if i need another reason to be hungry, raymond sent me this food porn site. GAH TASTY BUSINESS WHY MUST YOU TAUNT ME.
this column is kind of about the new flip video mini camera, but my favorite part is how the author addresses our love of instant nostalgia, thanks to digital slideshows and videos.
and, finally, for yr squee of the day, meet cinderella, a little pig who apparently doesn’t like getting her hooves dirty:
hey guys, i know this entry is posting super late but
I’M GOING TO MEXICO TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW!! IT’S LOCO!!!!
henri, erica and i are headed to playa del carmen for erica’s sister meredith’s wedding. this is where we are staying… HOLLA POSH DELUXE:
you guys. i am going to LIVE in a postcard. for a whole week.
so obviously i’ve been v. busy with packing and making sure i can fit all of my sunscreen into my luggage. oh yeah and i’ve been a little distracted cos ZOMGGG LOOK LOOK LOOK:
that’s pretty much when i’ll be seeing the pool: at night, when the sun’s deathly rays can no longer wage war against my sensitive, vampiric skin.
it’s like this place was made for me. their website even has pictures of FOOD!!!!!
yup, this place is all inclusive, which means i can eat and drink my pants off. it’ll be like that time matt, meredith and i ate at the bellagio, except i’ll be having mac ‘n’ cheese EVERY SINGLE DAY. if they serve it.
i have no idea what the internet is at this place, so i’m not sure how often you’ll see me over the next week. best case scenario, i’ll be able to post at least a picture a day. worst case, you will have to find other ways to procrastinate online for a whole week, but then, when i get back next tuesday, i’ll be EXPLODING with adventures and photos and stories about food (not to mention simply exploding *with* food).
in case i don’t make it online (honestly i can’t imagine not having internet for a full week, so i WILL find a way), here is a picture i made, so you can visualize me on the beautiful beaches of mexico.
YAR! THIS BE PARADISE!!
so, until i find mexican internet, viva vacation pants! i’ll miss you guys!! i’ll bring you back something mexican* (*lame “home alone” reference attempt).
p.s. this is not related to mexico at all but guess what?!! on saturday night, henri and i were among the first people to see the fire at the governor’s mansion!! i’m not kidding! we arrived about 20 minutes after the 911 call, when there was only two fire trucks and it was INSANE! henri made a video, cos he is a Serious Journalist. check it out!!!
last night, i experienced the kanye west entertainment musical spectacle known as the “glow in the dark” tour. and i shall now offer you my humble review.
i want to preface my opinion with the idea that usually, when i see a show, i’m in a small venue where i’m usually struggling to get close to the stage while people are sweating on me, elbowing me and sometimes even dancing on me (rare for hipsters, but it does happen). and i realized something crazy last night– i LIKE that. not only do i like it, but i PREFER it.
believe me, i’m just as surprised as you are.
so the show last night was at the frank erwin center, which is like a big arena theater. i was pretty excited about the idea of experiencing a concert in AIR CONDITIONING with a seat (my own seat!) if i got tired or lazy. our section was really close to the stage but sort of perpendicular to it, which meant we had more of a side view. this was slightly disappointing, but since i could still see everything, i didn’t mind.
so then the show started. at 7:15 PM.
you guys, that is WEIRD!! it’s like, so early, the sun was still out! i’m used to shows starting at MAYBE 9 PM, but usually more like 10 or so. and yeah, i’m not gonna complain about getting to bed early, but still. it’s hard to rock out at 7 PM. it just is.
so lupe fiasco came out first, and he won my vote, as well as erica and henri’s, for Best Fashion. boy knows how to DRESS FOR SUCCESS! he had on these kinda sparkly dark jeans, a black shirt with a sequined stripe (when a man can sport sequins proudly, you know he’s awesome) and this pirate-y type jacket. as dessiree would say, “he was seeeexyyyyy!!!”
henri and i saw lupe at emo’s a while back, and i think my memory of that experience is what got me thinking about the whole stadium show versus small sweaty club show thing. lupe is definitely on the rise, and he possesses the kind of star power that gets a massive crowd on its feet, but it still felt strange to watch him with an audience that was mostly sitting or still trickling in. overall, though, he was awesome, and i would see him again in a heart beat.
next up was n.e.r.d., who i had never seen before. i was pretty excited, esp. cos erica and i have this theory that pharrell is an alien, cos he is WAY too good-looking and WAY too cool to be a human being. for example, in the “like i love you” video, when he’s standing next to justin timberlake, he looks SO MUCH MORE AWESOME than justin. i mean, who does that?!!! who looks more awesome then justin? PHARRELL DOES, that’s who.
also, that red dog reminds me of clifford. but he wasn’t part of the show, unfortunately.
n.e.r.d. put on a fantastic performance that ended in the best way possible– a crazy chaotic dance party on the stage, kinda like a sing-along but with more lighting effects. erica and i had our own little dance party, but again, i kinda wished the crowd was smashed together, grooving to the same beat in a giant, sweaty, awkward but happy mess. i love that these guys aren’t afraid to, as they say, “spaz out” and make complete fools of themselves. i also love that there are two drummers. watching them made me want to practice REALLY HARD on my “rock band” drum skills so that i can convince myself that i am an actual drummer. even though it’s a video game.
pharrell got a little aggressive with the crowd, like singling people out who weren’t standing up (dude, just STAND UP. do NOT make pharrell mad! seriously), but i kind of liked his bravado. at one point, he asked us, “ARE YA’LL READY TO FEEL THE ENERGY?” no one has every asked me that before. but yes, a THOUSAND TIMES yes, i am ready to feel yr energy, pharrell.
next up was my girl rihanna!!!!
i love rihanna. i know some people* (*henri) don’t think she’s attractive, but i think she’s gorgeous and talented and just totally marvelous. and last night she totally lived up to my expectations!
first, she had dancers, and i LOVE shows with dancers. in fact, that’s definitely an advantage that stadium shows have over club shows. second, she had some costume changes. if i ever go on a world tour, i’m gonna have a DIZZYING number of costume changes, and most of them will include a million sequins and glitter. third, the dancers used props, including umbrellas (duh) but ALSO LIGHT SABERS!!!! they didn’t fight with them, they just twirled them around and i think all the nerds in the audience almost peed in their pants.
i have to give her major props for singing/dancing/walking in this pair of boots with SUPER DUPER high heels. i’m wondering if the ability to wear heels happens magically when you become famous, cos there is just no other explanation for the celebrity ability to rock sky high shoes. it’s like MAGIC.
finally, it was time for kanye west.
now, i know some people can’t stand him, but i think kanye is awesome AND hilarious. i love his ceaseless self-promotion, i adore his obsession with fashion, i think his song-writing is fantastic. so i admit, i had extremely high expectations for his show.
the stage looked REALLY promising. it took them FOREVER to set it up, but that’s cos it was so complex– basically, it looked like the rocky surface of a planet, with a massive screen in the background, a small screen hanging down in the middle, and TONS of ducts for fog machines. plus there was a panel in the middle of the stage that not only moved up and down, but was actually a screen as well. here’s a mock-up i found on the internet:
so finally the show began, and the audience learned that kanye’s spaceship had crashed on a planet with no energy left for the return flight. this caused kanye to be v. angry and motivated him to rap several songs. then jane, the ship computer, told him that some shooting stars were coming to see him.
yeah, stick with me here.
so i’d heard there would be puppets in this show, from the jim henson shop, and i could not WAIT to see them. like, this was gonna be the highlight for me, no question. would they be crazy alien puppets, like the guys on sesame street (who always scare me, btw)? or would they be more of the fraggle rock variety?
and then i see… the puppet. not puppets, but puppet. and it looks like a life-sized anime barbie doll with blue hair, glowing eyes and no clothes.
that was it.
and it didn’t even MOVE! it just hung from some sort of wire while it “spoke” to kanye about how the shooting stars were totally in love with him, cos he is the “most famous hip hop star in the world.” and so they decided to use their radiance to fuel his ship!
ok!
so then the ship started to take off (the square stage in the middle with lights all around the edges, that looked pretty cool, actually) but there wasn’t enough energy so it crashed again. then kanye said he needed to have sex, so jane, the computer, made herself into an image on the screen of a scantily glad lady painted in gold. and then she danced for him while he sang, “gold digger.”
and THEN he sang a song about his mom, and i think he genuinely got choked up (which was sweet), but what cheered him up? an excerpt from “don’t stop believin’” by journey! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
AND THEN jane, the computer, said, “kanye, don’t you realize? you’re the brightest star in the galaxy. you have more than enough energy to fuel this ship.” and then he gave his star power to the ship and it blasted off.
THE END
so… yeah. i have never seen anything like this. and i actually mean that in a good way. cos isn’t that kanye’s style? he’s always so over the top and theatrical and the man does everything to the MAX. i admire that about him, honestly.
in addition to the, uh, creative storyline, the lights and fog were pretty amazing, especially the massive background screen. and there were even fireworks!!!!
i wish there had been more fireworks, though. henri was obviously not involved with the making of this show.
after the show, we talked about how strange it was that kanye was the ONLY person on the stage for his ENTIRE show. no dancers, no band (they were in an orchestra pit), nothing. i guess he really does relish the spotlight, but i think it would have been better with at least a few dancers. and maybe, like, some stunts!! yes!! stunts!!
i guess there’s only a few bands that can really generate a high level of energy in an arena or stadium setting, so that the audience feels like they’re genuinely connected with the performer. justin definitely made that feeling happen, and i have to say, U2 (i know, there’s lots of haters out there) is a master at making the crowd feel like they are united by passion and love and they can CHANGE THE WORLD TOGETHER.
so yeah, i enjoyed the spectacle of it all, but i’m ready to head back to emo’s and force my way through a sweaty crowd wreaking of beer and cigarettes, all in the name of music.
now, are ya’ll ready to feel my energy?
LINKS
have you guys seen the new chromeo video? it’s no “needy girl,” but it’s still pretty great. also? how weird is it that i saw it on perez hilton? uh, yeah.
selina sent me this hilarious blog entry about a sex and the city promo photo. all i can say is, double true. and also, can someone get me a cosmo?
i know everyone is kinda hating on the new hulk movie, but this trailer makes it seem kiiiinda cool.
is anyone else hitting that point where the weekends are starting to feel like summer, which makes you feel like you should still have a “real summer” and therefore makes you v. lazy and unwilling to get out of bed for work, cos you really don’t care about anything that involves a desk?
yeah. i had that kind of weekend.
friday night, erica and i got all gussied up care of the benefit counter (she’s shopping for make-up for all of the weddings she’ll be in this summer) and met henri at parkside, this newish fancy restaurant on sixth street (diagonal from the ritz). it’s kind of like tapas, except instead of spanish food, they have a raw bar and a sort of american style. guys, this place is TASTY BUSINESS. just to give you a clue, here were my top two favorite items:
MAC N CHEESE (–> possibly the best i’ve had in austin, NO KIDDING)
DONUT HOLES
yes, you can order donut holes for dessert, and they’re the funnel-cake kind (rather than squishy glazed, which i also like) with cinnamon and sugar, and you can dip them in three sauces: butterscotch, apple butter and brandy cream. THIS IS THE FUNNEST DESSERT EVER.
oh parkside, you are my new alamo companion.
then, just for kicks, we decided to get a table at pangea, the ridiculously “posh” club that lives at the old alamo building. in order to get a table, you have to purchase a bottle of liquor, except we’re not talking uh, spec’s prices here. it’s more like, a mini-bar mark-up times ten. wowza.
for a one night experience, though, it was toooootally worth it. here’s erica and me, poshing it up:
here’s the inside of the club, which looks a little different than when there were “F”s everywhere for the facebook party (i took this picture at the end of the night, so the lights were on).
here’s our table, a.k.a. our private bar.
so, pangea has this kind of safari theme, which translates into guys playing bongos (to the beat of the dj) and dancer girls scantily clad in strips of red fabric (i was thinking they’d go for animal print, but no). the bathroom is STOCKED with all kinds of products, and there’s a girl who works there and hands you soap and towels. i felt really bad for that girl, esp. near the end of the night when the bathroom was packed with gossiping girls and someone was throwing up in one of the stalls. i swear, that girl needs her own reality tv show, just in the bathroom.
here’s erica, who got up on the shelf (?) above our couch and danced with the bongo dude.
question: how come the dancer girls where next to nothing, but the bongo guy doesn’t even take off his shirt?!! honestly.
around midnight, the club started filling up, and some fresh reserves arrived in the form of tim, caitlin, michael and his girlfriend, christie.
here’s tim and henri, overwhelmed by what the original alamo has become.
and here’s christie and michael, who are way too good-looking to be caught in pangea.
even though the club was definitely overhyped and kinda smarmy, i give pangea MAJOR PROPS for putting a sparkler in your drink before they serve it to you. it’s like, there’s even more party in the tequila than usual!
the girl in the red is our intrepid waitress, jessica. she was v. nice and attentive, esp. after michael got there.
plus, she danced with us!
i don’t know if christie was covering her face to avoid being photographed at pangea or out of sheer shock at henri’s dance moves. either way, i understand.
look for the above picture in the next issue of tribeza. FIERCE!
at the end of the night, tim decided to give everyone leaving the club a high five. cos if you go to pangea, you’re a WINNER!
most of the time, people just kind of left him hanging. but not this guy!
thanks, brah!!!!
tim ended up making LOTS of new friends that he will never, ever see again. and you know, i think that’s a good thing.
saturday was gorgeous and sunny, and the best place to start that kind of day is trudy’s! i met up with becky and raymond, who were in town for a wedding, for some breakfast tacos and life dishing. raymond misses austin so much, i feel like i should set up some kind of exchange program for him. anyone wanna live in stafford for a semester? hmm.
after lunch, henri and i decided to give our picnic backpack (dubbed the “picpack” by meredith) its inaugural run with a trip to whole foods and a hike around barton springs. doesn’t henri look like a little french boy on his first day of school?
we found a secret shortcut through some woods, which felt v. exciting until a jogger passed us. hmph. so much for secrets. still, it was nice, esp. cos we had bread for crumbing in case we got lost.
we had planned on renting a canoe, but guess what? the canoe people work out of a little trailer and sit on folding chairs, which means they don’t exactly take credit cards. when i was surprised by this, i realized that i am definitely, definitely a city girl.
plan b turned out to be excellent– we walked over to the swimming area of barton springs and watched all of the doggies and kiddies play!
funnily enough, it says “no swimming” by the swimming area. how curious.
my favorite sighting were these two schnauzers, who arrived via their owner’s kayak (they stood proudly on the front while he paddled) and then were unfortunately leashed to the boat while their owner swam around and flirted with OTHER DOGS. UNBELIEVABLE.
here’s one of those “i love living in austin!” shots from the pedestrian bridge:
how can a day possibly get better? well, I WILL TELL YOU.
A CRAWFISH BOIL!!!
yikes, i know, they’re kinda creepy looking little things, aren’t they? but i still like to think of myself as a lousiana girl, so the prospect of getting my face and hands INSANELY gross with crawfish and corn and potatoes seemed like the best idea in the world.
henri’s co-worker, mike, has a huge backyard, complete with a totally amazing fort that henri really, reall covets.
and yes i swung on the swings! woo-hoo!
here are the lucky owners of the fort, mike’s two kids. you guys, there is NOTHING more fun than watching kids try to wrangle crawfish. it never gets old, for them or for me. until one of them gets pinched and starts to cry (well, this actually didn’t happen to the boys, but one little girl was V. V. SHOCKED that a little crawfish would dare to pinch her).
i LOVE the smell that emanates from the pot of boiling seasoning and crawfish and vegetables. NOM NOM NOM.
yes, i know the crawfish are boiling to death. but i feel no sadness, only HUNGER.
here was also homemade sausage involved…
i started to feel like we were in “sweet home alabama” or some kind of southern movie, cos we sat around and drank beer and shucked corn and just had ourselves a dang good time!
there were kids running around and playing the entire time, which added to the idyllic vibe. here’s jack, who was waiting impatiently to be pushed. he got really mad at me after i took this photograph and yelled, “I’M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU.” ok then!
henri and i had to take a short break so he could introduce a documentary playing at the alamo called “young at heart.” it’s a movie about a choral group of (extremely) senior citizens who perform rock songs, and we ended up watching it later that night. it’s a really sweet movie, especially if you love old people (which i do). when i’m 80, i’m totally gonna join a choir and rock my (granny) socks off.
the reason henri had to intro this particular screening was due to the presence of some special guests– austin’s v. own senior choir! and look how rockin’ they are!
they performed two numbers, including rod stewart’s “forever young,” a song i have LOVED ever since my BFF emily philips got the 45 record of the single and we danced to it on her bed.
here’s a video of their performance, which quite possibly puts rod stewart to shame.
the best part was that one of the ladies mistook a male voice coming through the speaker for henri, and she kept smiling at him throughout the song. “you have a BEAUTIFUL singing voice,” she said, even though henri wasn’t singing at all. i think she was just trying to flirt!
back at mike’s backyard, we discovered that some of the crawfish had been “saved” by the kids as “pets.” i immediately pitied them, as i believe being targets of child’s play is a far crueler fate than death by boiling. later that night, i’m pretty sure the crawfish agreed with me after they were dropped several times from the top of the fort.
one of mike’s sons showed henri a nest he found with a baby bird! it was pretty exciting…
\
until i saw the bird. um GROSSSSSSSS. p.s. ERIN LOOK AWAY.
i aaaalmost lost my appetite, but hello, that’s impossible at a crawfish boil. esp. cos you’re about to dismember creatures that are already really creepy-looking.
here’s mike and john (father of jack), pouring out the tasty business.
and here is the end result of all of our shuckin’ and boilin’ and mass murder!
GAH I WANT TO EAT IT ALL RIGHT NOW!!!
karrie agreed and showed no mercy to her cob of corn.
it’s funny, cos i’m so anal about keeping my hands clean and yet i LOVE getting down and dirty at crawfish boils. i mean, people just stand around and and talk and ruthlessly tear apart crawfish and stuff their faces. it’s sooo the american way.
here’s tim with (a small portion) of his wreckage:
i thought for sure that the food would be the highlight, but guess what? i got to hang out with a super happy baby named finn!!!! he is totally my new boyfriend (sorry, henri). i mean, just look at that face!!! I WANTED TO SQUISH HIM but of course i held him v. gently and carefully. cos he is a sweet fragile little pea.
as you can see, it was the kind of weekend that just got better and better until it had to end cos of STUPID MONDAY.
on friday night, henri and i embarked on a journey through a mystical, amazing place known as…
MAGIC ISLAND!
if you’re familiar at all with houston, you’ve seen magic island. located at the shepherd exit off 59, it’s an egyptian looking building with a giant golden pharaoh head on top.
given the fact that several letters are missing from the sign and the building is overgrown with weeds, you may have assumed that magic island closed some time in the early 1990s.
well, you would be wrong. in fact, magic island is so full of ILLUSIONS that the facade of the building is merely a trick, a clever way to ward off visitors who are easily fooled. but OF COURSE! only the true believers may enter!!
obvs, henri and i are true believers, so we decided there was no better place to celebrate henri’s birthday. just check out this tantalizing text from their website:
****
From the land of the Nile to Aladdin’s Lamp… of the Wizard Merlin and the Maestro Houdini… a legacy was born.
It’s a traveler’s delight and the locals retreat…a sanctuary for all…
Join us for an evening of sumptuous gourmet cuisine, world-class magic & comedy shows featuring international stars of illusion. Be dazzled as our resident magicians perform sleight-of-hand tricks in cozy close-up theatres. Patrons can also dabble in a game of fun-blackjack, have their fortunes told by our famous psychics or take a whirl in the Temple of Isis dance club. We’ve got it all…under one amazing roof!
The awe-inspiring and beautifully crafted replicas of ancient Egyptian artifacts engulf and tantalize onlookers as they relax in the opulence of posh Victorian England.
Behold a world of mystery!
****
YES! we shall BEHOLD!
here we are at the entrance to the building. note that you have to valet park yr car, even though the parking lot is literally 20 feet away from the door. or at least, it *appears* to be only 20 feet from the door.
you may be wondering, “is that an actual artifact from an egyptian tomb or merely a flawless replica?” i would answer, “since i’m not an archaeologist, i lack the proper qualifications to answer your question, but i’m pretty sure that either way, we’re talking 24 karat GOOOOLD!!!”
as you step into this world of mystery, you must present your credit card to receive a piece of paper that you will use to pay for everything from fine food to sophisticated cocktails. it is strange how one piece of paper can be used in this fashion amidst a world of ever-increasing technology, but i cannot pretend to understand the complexities of a world such as magic island.
and of course, they take yr picture at the entrance! cos it’s like you’re on a cruise… a cruise of MYSTICAL ILLUSION!
don’t worry, the golden cobra was NOT alive (i know it’s hard to tell). i think the cobra serves as a warning– magic island is NOT for the faint of heart.
we were ushered towards the elevator, and while waiting, we encountered a poor soul who met a tragic fate. perhaps he was a tomb raider who triggered a nasty curse, or perhaps he was a patron who made the mistake of ordering the salmon. sadly, we’ll never know.
the elevator ride led us through several strange worlds– we witnessed treasure chests filled with gold, more skeletons and even a floor entirely filled with water and fish! granted, the floor was only two feet tall, but it felt as if we were traveling to another dimension…
a dimension known as the bar!
the hostess told us that we would soon be shown to our table and advised us to take a seat at the bar. there were no other people waiting, but we realized it would be foolish to assume that our wait would be short. in the world of magic, you must always be on your guard, because appearances are deceiving.
for example, most people would look at the two ladies behind henri and guess that they are ladies from suburban houston who decided to take it up a notch from luby’s and treat themselves to a Big Night On the Town.
well, SURPRISE! those ladies are two of the world’s foremost PSYCHICS!! for a mere $10, they can lift the veil of yr future and show you yr destiny…
it turns out our destiny was to be seated before we had time to visit with the psychics.
for some reason, henri and i were seated at a massive table designed for six people. were guests from the spirit world planning on joining us? PERHAPS.
i think one of the spirit world guests forsook his seat and sat on our rolls instead, cos they were all squished. boo.
our waiter approached our table and carefully outlined the menu plan for the evening. no, there were no specials, because eating at magic island is SPECIAL ENOUGH. so you get to choose a soup or sald, and an entree, and everything else is extra.
apparently people have a hard time with this concept, because our waiter repeated it several times. or maybe he was just trying to hypnotize us. you never know.
since we were in such a Fancy Place, we went for the poshest appetizer possible: escargot!
and YES it cost extra ($8.95), but hello, how often do you get to enjoy the cuisine of magic island? exactly.
henri and i both opted for chicken dishes, because we figured those would be the safest bet. after all, in a place filled with dark corners and mysterious strangers, you can never be too careful.
henri proclaimed the dinner to be “pretty good… for wedding food.”
unfortunately, the dinner gave neither of us any visions and/or special powers, but maybe it takes a few days to kick in.
with easy listening music whispering loudly through the speakers and the lights on permanent dim (darkness keeps a lot of secrets, including stains), it was a meal like no other.
after dinner, we were joined by the intrepid twosome of meredith and matt!
meredith and matt decided to skip dinner and show up for the magic, because they have their priorities straight. the staff appeared confused by their decision, but i think it was all just an act. i’m SURE people come from far and wide just to observe the titillating feats of illusion performed by world renowned magicians, such as…
THE JUDGE OF COMEDY!
who needs the scales of justice when you’ve got a deck of magical cards?
i was truly sorry that we were not able to witness the dazzling display of tina lenert and her mophead companion.
when there’s a rose in the picture, you KNOW that person is a professional.
the inside of the theater reminded me a lot of the dobie movie theater. it was small, but not small enough to avoid looking cavernously empty. then again, there could have been all kinds of mirrors involved, so maybe we were just in some broom closet made to look exactly (EXACTLY) like the inside of an egyptian tomb. these magic island folks sure are tricksters!
the show began, and i was instantly amazed. it turns out that we were lucky enough to watch a magician who has been performing at magic island for TWENTY TWO YEARS!!!! that’s twenty two years of death-defying, heart-stopping, mind-blowing magic!!! only an expert like that would dare to perform the famous, “give me yr wedding ring, and i will make it disappear, and then i will make a HILARIOUS joke about how you’re not getting it back, and then it will end up in this gumball machine” routine. i mean, i think this routine might actually be so extreme that it’s illegal in this country, so, you know, shh!
the stakes got even higher (i know, you thought they couldn’t) when our magician, i mean, illusionist, LEVITATED A WOMAN.
lucky for you, i captured this thrilling moment on video!!!!
this guy was so good that the volunteer didn’t even know she had levitated. i mean, WOW!
this guy’s schtick was truly original. he would take tricks like we’ve all seen in magic shops– the rope with the moving knot, the interlocking rings– and make them look like ANYONE could do that. but obviously it takes years of practice, and since he’s an expert, he can make it look easy.
i mean, only a top top top magician could pull off the “i have three eggs… now i have two eggs… now i have three!” trick (this magic is called “slight of hand,” for all of you neophytes out there) to the soundtrack of… enya’s orinocho flow! IT WAS ASTOUNDING. i think you have to practice magic for at least five years before you’re legally allowed to use enya.
that night, henri received the best birthday gift of all– he became the magician’s apprentice!!
he was even honored with a magic name… The Amazing Yes!!!! watch this video to see it all unfold:
in case you can’t watch videos at work (if this is the case, i highly suggest you read the rest of this blog later, cos you will not be able to grasp this man’s amazing essence and power), here’s a photo of mr. magic pants teaching henri the secret of the four rings of china. that’s right, these aren’t from any old joke shop. they’re from a CHINESE joke shop.
i’m pretty sure that most people would pay thousands of dollars to gain this man’s wisdom, and henri got it all for FREE. including the two most powerful words in magic: “TA-DAAA!”
henri was a NATURAL with the rings. i mean, i know he’s already got a successful career at the alamo, but how can you fight the call of MAGIC? especially when you’re blessed with such an inspiring teacher? just look at the way henri handles those rings… the passion! the finesse! the pizazz!!!
at the end of the show, our magician actually managed to SUMMON THE SPIRIT OF HOUDINI. i know, i know, you don’t believe me. but you guys, WE HEARD HIS VOICE! and it was so clear that it sounded like it was playing on a CD over the speaker system. i don’t care what you believe about life after death… you can’t ignore something that convincing.
as we emerged from the enchanted depths of magic island, i knew that our lives would forever be changed. we had discovered so many secrets and experienced such strange, mystical phenomena, there was no way we would ever take things at face value again.
for example, our waiter turned out to also be our valet guy. normally, this might make you think that magic island can only afford to employ six people. but matt pointed out that the more *likely* explanation is that magic island is merely a front for a vast network of magical spies who conduct mysterious activities right under the nose of houston’s unsuspecting population.
we hoped to discover their secret lair by touching the cobra in just the right place, but to no avail.
however, meredith *did* manage to levitate in the elevator, so it looks like the magic rubbed off on us a little bit.
i hope i have not exposed too many of the secrets of magic island on this blog. in fact, i fear my life is now at risk, and i’m pretty sure that any future relationships with the Magician’s Guild have been destroyed.
but i feel it is my duty to make the world aware of this amazing, unearthly place. go there now, before it is shut down by a “failed health inspection” (i think we know that’s just another illusion). go there and BEHOLD A WORLD OF MYSTERY!
(side note: definitely enjoying the comments on education following my last post. you guys are, like, a real, not to mention intelligent, forum. as always, i appreciate yr feedback!)
last night, henri and i watched a documentary called “crazy love.” i had never heard of it, nor did i have any idea what it would be about, except for the description on the netflix case, which mentioned something about the twisted nature of love and revenge.
you guys. I HAD NO IDEA. I. HAD. NO. IDEA.
to give you a preview, here’s the trailer of the film:
and yes, linda has the most fabulous combo of wig and glasses i have ever seen in this lifetime.
here’s a rundown of the doc, posh d. style:
in 1959, burt pugach met linda riss and immediately fell head over heals in love with her. she decided she liked him too, mostly cos he was a rich lawyer and nightclub owner (every time she walked into his nightclub, the band struck up that old song, “linda.” you have
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