culturelux

10 things i LOVE about you

for tonight’s girlie night at the ritz, i’m hosting one of my favorite teen comedies of all time:

at the risk of sounding like an old person: THEY SURE DON’T MAKE TEEN MOVIES LIKE THIS ANYMORE! now, go get yr grandma her centrum silver and whiskey!

seriously, though, “10 things” takes every teen movie cliché and turns it up to 11. sure, it’s got all of the generic elements– against the odds romance, social stratification, infectiously poppy soundtrack– but it takes those elements and encases them in PURE 24K GOLD.

allow me to illustrate.

1. the bad boy with a heart of gold

sure, judd nelson was hot in the breakfast club, but did he serenade molly ringwald in front of half the school while leaping joyfully across bleachers? NO. all he did was take one of her diamond earrings, rendering the other one useless to her (well, technically she had multiple holes in her ear but I DIGRESS). not only is patrick verona written awesomely, he’s also played by ACADEMY AWARD WINNER HEATH LEDGER. have you EVER seen a teen film that features an academy award winner? ok, well, sure, anna paquin was in “she’s all that” but… well, it’s “she’s all that.” and it’s anna paquin. COME ON. even heath’s godawful hair can’t hide his devilish charm, and while his turn as the joker totally amazed me, i will always remember him as the guy who melted my heart when he did this:

i really hope they played that song at his funeral. i’m serious.

2. a school that is way too cool looking to be an actual high school

most teen movies seem to be filmed at high schools in beverly hills, where the norm is lots of palm trees, ocean view terraces and auditoriums designed by broadway architects. but in 10 things i hate about you, the school is basically PEMBERLY. like, i’m kinda sad we don’t even get a cameo from mr. darcy.

3. the new kid in school

there’s ALWAYS a teenager who’s new in town, and in 10 things, that character is played by JOSEPH GORDON MOTHEREFFING LEVITT. THAT IS ALL I NEED TO SAY.

4. teen archetypes

with every new kid in town comes the requisite Introduction to the Formulaic Social Spectrum, and in 10 things, this scene is carried by david krumholtz, the ULTIMATE in nerd actors. i mean, just look at that guy. he’s easily 40 years old at this point. and he’s not the only ultimate in this movie– we’ve got andrew keegan (is there ANYONE sleazier? ok, well, brody jenner was probably only 12 at this point), julie stiles (she’s ALWAYS a great choice for the “bitch” character because, well, she’s v. skilled at annoying me) and gabrielle union, aka I SAID BRR, IT’S COLD IN HERE! THERE MUST BE SOME CLOVERS IN THE ATMOSPHERE!

4. clueless adults

in teem movies, authority figures are NEVER to be trusted (unless they’re a dad, and i’ll get to that in a minute). in fact, they’re usually super lame and have no idea what’s cool and GAH WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO RUIN OUR LIVES?!! 10 things takes this cliché and amps it up with a totally sassy twist named ALLISON JANNEY, LIGHT OF MY LIFE. just like my real guidance counselor back in HS, ms. perky doesn’t give a shizz, but at least she does(n’t do) it in STYLE.

5. best dad ever

while i will always love the father daughter sweetness in “sixteen candles,” mr. stratford is hands down the BEST DAD IN A TEEN MOVIE EVER. i mean, how many parents out there can speak so frankly about sex with their kids, not to mention equip them with a V. REALISTIC understanding of pregnancy? plus, hello, he’s a single parent!!! i love mr. stratford so much, i may or may not be honoring him tonight by wearing a faux pregnancy belly at the show…

6. montages of teens doing fun things

i bet if someone did a study of the ratio of montages to dialog in teen movies, it would be, like, 2:1 (and also, that person would be awesome). in films, teens are always doing their teenagery thing to the beat of hip music, like shopping at the mall and playing beach volleyball and dancing around the library during detention. well, 10 things is basically like, “yeah, all that stuff is cool but WHAT ABOUT PAINTBALL?!!!” and thus, the most romantic messiest kiss ever was created.

i could continue showering this film with praise but i think i’ve made my point. in fact, it was pretty much made when heath stepped out on those bleachers LU PATRICK! but please feel free to burn, pine and perish over the 10 things YOU love about this movie in the comments.

P.S. SEE Y’ALL TONIGHT AT BOGEY LOWENSTIEN’S!!!!

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