(extra)ordinary
cos i’m too spastic to be batman
so i just saw the trailer for “kick-ass”:
which, btw, looks AWESOME (i thought about making a joke about how “kick ass” it will be but realized that would be only slightly more lame than not making the joke and telling you about it, which i’m doing now).
and so of course it made me wonder: if i was gonna be a superhero, who would i be? what would my special powers be like? and, most importantly, how amazing would my outfit be?!!!
first, i thought back to high school, when my friend rachel crafted one of my fave video game heroes ever (back when we were playing lots of “x-men”), kidney pie, who would kill people by reaching into their torsos, pulling out the kidney, shrieking, “KIDNEY PIE!!” and then eating it. that’s pretty much all kidney pie would do… which is more than enough to qualify as perfect, in my opinion.
second, i thought about the superhero alter-ego of my 20s, powder blue. powder blue didn’t have any specific special powers beyond a v. fine appreciation of tasty business, but she definitely liked to help people and baby animals.
so, i could keep the name powder blue, or i could use posh deluxe, but actually i think i’ll come up with a few different models cos THERE IS SO MUCH I WANT TO DO. WITH SPECIAL POWERS. so here we go!
the mac & cheesinator
power: you’re *literally* dying for mac & cheese, but there is none to be found in yr immediate vicinity. EMERGENCY!!! just call on the mac & cheesinator, who will show up and instantly produce some tasty business (truffle oil included, obvs).
costume: orange like faux cheddar cheese! and a cool noodle hat! and sparkles!!!
so, less like this…
and maybe a little more like this…
except with more glitter!!!! and, yeah, cooler shoes.
oooh and i could have a westie sidekick!!
the time limiter
power: all of the elliptical machines at the gym are taken by sorority girls going .05 mph and they’ve obvs been on the machines for way longer than the 30 minute limit and HELLO SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GET ON BEFORE “BONES” IS OVER FOR GOODNESS SAKE. no worries. just call the time limiter, who can get even the most argumentative gym rat off a machine in ten seconds or less.
costume: actually, it would look remarkably similar to the staff shirts at my gym. except maybe with a sheriff badge or something else that looks official and intimidating. and also glitter.
karaoke girl
power: what, the local karaoke place doesn’t have that justin timberlake song you are DYING to sing RIGHT NOW? karaoke girl can get it for you! plus she does a mean ac/dc.
costume: duh JEM. JEM JEM JEM.
the wit
power: for all of those people struggling to say something clever on twitter or waiting to reply to an evite cos they can’t think of anything snappy, the wit is here to save yr day! hilarious retorts! killer facebook status updates that will generate comments for days! the wit can do it all!
costume: i’m thinking something couture and red carpet-esque. with gold glitter. and insanely awesome red lipstick.
the mockingjay
power: the world is suffering from the dreaded “twilight” disease, and the mockingjay has the cure! this fierce superhero can instantly transform a copy of any book from the “twilight” series into “the hunger games” thereby spreading the awesomeness of katniss and peeta over the entire planet and ridding us of the sparkly vampire plague.
costume: a regular outfit that’s ON FIRE.
the mighty pants
power: ADDING PANTS TO THINGS OF COURSE!!!! cos the world needs more pants. in particular, lady gaga. and also adjectives.
costume: GLITTER PANTS!!!! and a top. obvs. maybe like mj’s outfit in the “rock with you” video! YES!!!!
with an outfit like that, the mighty pants will be revered by all!!!
i could think of a lot more, but most of them would involve the miraculous production of tasty business, which might get repetitive (for you, not for me, obvs. i mean, i could wax poetic about the Fryonator [instantly deep fries any item you choose] and Miss PB [adds peanut butter to any chocolate item you're about to consume] all day long). SO i’ll stop here and turn it over to you guys.
if you were a superhero, what would be yr ideal way to save the day? and omg what would you wear?!!!
LINKS
not only did this npr story on thomas keller (french laundry chef) make me INSANELY HUNGRY, it also made me want to hang out with him. and share a jar of skippy.
speaking of great stories on npr, check out this exploration of eponyms (what up SAT word!). btw mary frisbie? coolest name ever.
if you haven’t seen the promo for james franco on “general hospital,” you need to watch this IMMEDIATELY. also, i can’t stop saying, “an artist whose canvas is MURDER!” in a really dramatic voice.
Discussion
6 comments for “cos i’m too spastic to be batman”
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My brothers and I have this conversation nearly every time I come home. This conversation is usually on the heels of “Backyard Wars” where we battle with broomsticks as swords, sleds as shields, and water jugs tied to sticks as maces. Just because we range in age from 26 to 35 doesn’t mean we don’t also have dreams of superherodom. My bro’s power is training arctic and aquatic animals for world domination (penguins and sharks). Mine is kind of lame, but I would use it for the greatest good. I would be able to breathe under water. The greater good would be so that I wouldn’t die underwater. That shit effs up your lungs people.
Erg. This question is too hard. Where is The Wit when I need her?
I can never be witty when I think about this, cause all I ever wanna do is fly.
And not fly to be a superhero, either, just to be able to run away from bad guys more efficiently.
My superpower would be Interpretive Dance. Oh sure, it probably seems like being the wind in dance form is actually a superpower, but let me tell you, that shit is hard to do without laughing your ass off.
How would my power save the day, you ask? Oh, that’s easy. Next time you doubt the good my powers can bring, you just need to get up, go into your coworker’s office, and interpretively dance the sentence: “The Man is oppressing me with boring-ass work.”
You’ll see. You’ll all see.
oh erin, i ALREADY see.
now i totally wanna form like a justice league with you guys so we can fight hunger/death/the man/twilight together while cracking jokes and looking awesome.
Sarah, we already have our super powers! DANCE TOLL! We turn every party into a dance party by magic virtue of our drunken persistence to not let anyone walk past us without dancing first, no matter how badly they have to go to the bathroomn!
I call this persona The Hurt and she wears mini-skirts, patterned tights, hoodies and logo buttons. Much like me.
I heard that story on eponyms the other day. So fascinating and interesting! Its so weird to think of all the words we use for things that actually come from someone’s name. Did you know that Tommy’s dad patented the original frisbee?! I can’t wait to listen to the Tom Keller one. Yum.