alamoing

deathmatch: posh d. vs fantastic fest (round 2)

when we last saw them, fantastic fest was like a kid coked up on pixie stix, with posh d. lagging behind and breathlessly yelling, “fantastic fest! wait for me! can’t we (gasp) stop for (gasp) a breather or maybe just (gasp) french fries?”

today, in round 2, we’ll find out WHO COMES OUT ON TOP. so, pants world, place yr bets and let’s step into the ring!

SATURDAY

so, when i told you guys i saw cropsey on friday, i totally lied. i actually saw it on saturday afternoon. but i *wasn’t* lying about how good it is, so you should still go see it.

henri and i headed over to the paramount for the last “big” premiere of fantastic fest, “the vampire’s assistant.” little did i know that my entire night was gonna be filled with vampires, including the hottest one of them all (not rpatz, you silly twilighters! gah!)…

anyway! i’d seen the trailer for “vampire’s assistant” and, heading into the movie, i had these thoughts:

1. john c. reilly’s hair looks AWESOME.

2. i am really, really sad that they covered up patrick fugit’s adorable face with snake make-up.

3. hey, it’s that dude from the 7-up commercials!

4. who are these two teenage dudes? WAIT are they disney stars?!!

5. so wait, we need another vampire movie cos why?

“vampire’s assistant,” based upon a book series, is obvs targeted towards tweens. consequently (and rather cleverly!), the alamo invited high school students to come to the show for free, which was actually pretty awesome. have you ever been to a premiere with teenagers? this is what happens:

john c. reilly steps out of the car onto the red carpet with one of the teenage male stars behind him. teenage girl behind the velvet rope and directly in front of john c. reilly screams, “OMG!! IT’S THAT GUY FROM “BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA!” she then proceeds to completely ignore john c. reilly while jumping up and down and reaching out for the teenage actor dude.

yeah. the inside of the paramount felt like the teen choice awards, minus the surf board trophies (wait, do they still do that? OLD LADY ALERT).

the movie itself was meh… i mean, it wasn’t made for folks like me. if i had been twelve, i think i would have liked it. the seven-year-old down the row from me LOVED it, esp. the graveyard fight scene (he said so during the Q&A).

speaking of the Q&A, THESE GUYS WERE SO ANNOYING.

oh, not YOU, john c. reilly, just those two teenage actor guys. SWEET FANCY MOSES. it’s like they went to a secret disney camp that trains them on how to crack cheesy jokes and do impressions of their grandmas and basically churns them out with an extra shiny layer of ridiculous bravado and an “earnest” passion for THE FINE ART OF ACTING.

the smile you see john c. reilly cracking in that picture? that’s got to be the best acting moment OF HIS CAREER cos i cannot comprehend how he managed to go through the entire Q&A without smacking those two jackasses on the back of the head.

it didn’t help that there was a section of the theater that would squeal loudly every time that guy in the middle (the bridge to terabithia dude) spoke. i was like STOP ENCOURAGING HIM YOU GUYS. but, you know, they’re teenage girls! they’re supposed to spazz out!

so in spite of the fact that i am a cranky old lady who didn’t know who JOSH HUTCHERSON is (next you’re gonna tell me that hannah montana has a secret identity or something cray cray like that), i found the teenage crowd pretty cute.

after the tweenfest, henri and i decided we needed something a little bit more edge-y in our systems, so we decided to check out the midnight screening of “the revenant.” as it happens, this is ALSO a vampire movie (kind of?), but it makes john c. reilly’s vampire look like the count from sesame street. HOLY BLOODSUCKERS.

why yes, that IS sark from “alias” with his skin deteriorating from his face! i know it doesn’t come through in the picture, but that guy manages to look hot even when he’s undead. that’s, like, an amazing compliment (you’re welcome, david anders).

y’all have GOT to see this movie. go here to watch the trailer and then tell me that doesn’t look AWESOME. i found the premise pretty unique, and the humor is incredibly dark and HILARIOUS. definitely my favorite film from the festival after “zombieland.”

i figured that “revenant” would be my favorite vampire experience of the fantastic fest but I WAS WRONG. i was so, so wrong. cos when we got out of the theater, caitlin sent henri a text saying that ERIC FROM “TRUE BLOOD” WAS AT THE HIGHBALL!!!

YOU GUYS I AM NOT KIDDING.

although i am still not sure it happened for real cos IT WAS JUST TOO CRAY CRAY!

so, it’s obvious that the vampire market is definitely too saturated at the moment, cos THREE vampire encounters in one night? that’s ridiculous.

but i didn’t mind cos you know what ELSE is ridiculous? ALEXANDER SKARSGARD’s HOTNESS.

of course, henri and i immediately RAN to the highball, and sure enough, there was alexander (i’m gonna call him alex, cos, you know, we’re bffs now) sitting in a booth with the director of his film! and y’all he was tan! and he had short hair! and when he stood up he was v. tall! and, most importantly, he was V. V. FINE.

the evening rapidly became A Night To Remember, even rivaling my night out with the Best US President Ever, aka bill pullman, last year. to make a long (ridiculous) story short, tim ended up leading a few of us into the walk-in freezer so that alex could have chill (LITERALLY! HA!) time away from some crazy true blood fans (OBVS not me. OBVS).

it was in this freezer that i took the Best Picture from Fantastic Fest 2009. BEHOLD THE AWESOMENESS:

y’all. i know. I KNOW. it was all just too surreal.

i was in a freezer. with eric from true blood.

oh yeah and these dudes:

i love that dentler looks about as dazed as i felt.

with the threat of frostbite looming, we decided to take a little karaoke break. here’s one of my favorite performances (with the most patriotic karaoke ending ever). um, just try to ignore the, uh, woman on the pole.

guess who else decided to karaoke? THIS HARDCORE LADY!!!!

yep, i decided to dazzle the crowd (which included alexander, obvs) with my signature song, “rock you like a hurricane.”

and y’all, I WENT FOR IT. like, i think i sang it even better than the lead singer of the scorpians. PLUS i have more hair than he does, which counts for A LOT when it comes to hair metal.

caitlin’s bf, james, was standing next to alex during my HARD CORE performance, and apparently he really enjoyed it.

ERIC FROM TRUE BLOOD LIKED MY KARAOKE!!! HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE!!!!

apparently he was enjoying a lotta things that night, cos mr. sexy vampire was a wee bit hammered. we all retired back to the freezer, where i took this video of the aftermath of karrie doing a shot (she NEVER does shots). check out alexander looking extremely jovial and distinctly un-brooding.

like any good VIP room, the freezer got more and more packed with people, until i actually started to feel my fingertips again! fabulous!

seriously, there’s gotta be a rap song about chillin’ in the VIP deep freeze with a vampire sheriff… make it so, jay-z!

as you can see, it was a TOTES HIJINKY night, the kind of thing that i can imagine happening at only fantastic fest, where no one’s afraid to be goofy (i mean, do you think people at cannes stand around in a deep freeze and drink lone stars? I DON’T THINK SO).

henri and i ended up taking alexander and his director (and the director’s super nice wife) back to the hotel, where HE GAVE ME A HUG. I KNOW. ERIC FROM TRUE BLOOD GAVE ME A HUG. which also means I TOUCHED HIS ARM.

i later told my “friday night lights” ladies that “it was good practice for when i finally talk to taylor kitsch.” eyes on the prize, y’all. EYES ON THE PRIZE.

SUNDAY

although nothing could possibly beat chillin’ (sorry! i can’t stop making this joke!) with vampire eric in the freezer, sunday night was still pretty dang awesome.

the first movie of the day was “duress,” and the only good thing about that movie is that coach taylor (GO PANTHERS!) was in the audience. that’s all i have to say about that. oh and also child stars scare me.

next, i saw “mandrill,” a totally rad action film from the same guys who made “kiltro” and “mirage man” (both of which i saw at FF back in 2007, reviews here and here). like the previous movies, “mandrill” stars marko zaror, who has GOT to be the FITTEST MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN. the guy can do stunts that are simply unbelievable. like, even CGI won’t try them.

“mandrill” plays around with the whole james bond thing and centers on an assassin (mandrill) who is basically following in the footsteps of his favorite film star, a bondlike character named john colt. the film features excerpts of colt movies, all of which are super 70s and totally cheesestastic.

the best parts of the film, though, are when zaror is just hanging out, kicking major, major ass. i mean, look what the guy can do at an awards ceremony, when there’s not even a movie being filmed or anything! he just jumped cos his movie won an award and he was happy! THIS IS JUST HIS HAPPY JUMP.

and you thought i was exaggerating.

so yeah, although “mandrill” wasn’t as compelling as “mirage man,” it was still a totally fun ride.

speaking of smooth moves, the highball was christened later that night with its first ever michael jackson sing-along/dance party.

and oooh it was a most spectacular christening.

the party began with a dance lesson taught by henri and bianca, our resident thriller dance expert. since i’m a lazy pants, i just hung out and watched other people do things like the zombie arm curl:

henri and bianca used the same method from last year’s “thrill the world” campaign, which breaks the dance down into small steps with words. it makes it surprisingly easy, even for people like kim who say “i can’t dance!” and is obviously totally lying cos girl can bust a move.

here’s an example:

part of perfecting the dance involves mastering the Scary Face. teresa and rebecca have got it DOWN.

it only took about an hour for everyone to become v. professional thriller pants. check out the final product!

after the dance lesson, it was time for the students of the MJ school to apply their new skills via the final exam, aka DANCE PARTY!!!!

the party was basically like a sing-along, but with a SUPER NICE AND SPACIOUS DANCE FLOOR!!! and did i mention LASERS?

for “billie jean,” we passed out flashlights so that this magic could happen:

and then a, um, different kind of magic happened, cos GUESS WHO CAME BACK?

that’s right, the japanese pole dancer lady!!!

and GUESSED WHAT SHE DANCED TO?

come ON, y’all. this has got to be the easiest question on the final exam.

dirty diana INDEED. but also, very gymnastic!

i want to point out that she did begin the dance with a thriller jacket on but it proved to be too, erm, constrictive.

and then, of course, there was the requisite knife fight to “beat it.” don’t worry, no gregs or henris were harmed in the making of this video:

i think my favorite moment of the night was actually when things slowed down and we paid tribute to MJ with lots of glow sticks and swaying. i know, i loved the most cheesy part of the show, go figure.

and then there was more dancing! and more lasers! and one v. disgruntled (but secretly happy) kim sandwich!

and that, my friends, brings round 2 to a close, meaning we have reached the end of this particular deathmatch.

after tallying up the results, it looks like we have a SURPRISE CHAMPION!! what what!!!

while fantastic fest wailed on sarah with zombies, hot vampires, dance parties and sleep deprivation, it turns out that FF was playing RIGHT into sarah’s hands cos she LOVES ALL OF THOSE THINGS (well, besides sleep deprivation). they’re like… her ANTI-KRYPTONITE!

BOO-YA, FANTASTIC FEST! you’re about to be OVER but i’m still HERE!!!! I SURVIVED!! and i LIKED IT.

i know you’ll be back for a rematch next year, and all i gotta say is you better BRING IT* if you even HOPE to beat a fighter pants like me.

SEE YOU IN 2010, SUCKA!!!

*by “it” i mean tim riggins

LINKS

this teaser trailer about jim & pam’s marriage has NOTHING new in it, and yet it managed to bring tears to my eyes. i would say this is the wedding of the century, but since meredith & matt are getting married this weekend, i’ll clarify and say it’s the TV wedding of the century!

speaking of jim, his performance of “the marionette” on conan is not only awesome, it’s also my new favorite dance move.

a run-in with glamour magazine reduced stephen colbert to eating ice cream and crying. stars, they’re just like us!!

new fantastic mr. fox trailer isn’t as zippy as the first one, but i’m still gonna see it. hello it’s roald dahl! he’s my man!

© 2009 Poshdeluxe.