alamoing

deathmatch: posh d. vs fantastic fest (round 1)

dear fantastic fest,

i kind of hate you.

ok, so, have you seen that movie “old school”? well, you’re like a combo of vince vaughn and will ferrell. you tempt me with awesome parties and ridiculous hijinks and basically SLAY ME WITH AWESOME. but then the next day, i have to wake up and return to my normal life and pretend like i didn’t spend the previous night watching japanese people karaoke and hanging out with eric from true blood in the walk-in freezer and IT’S HARD AND MY HEAD HURTS, OK?!! OK?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

fantastic fest, i love you but… you will be the death of me.

forever yrs,
*posh d. luxe

seriously, y’all, fantastic fest just about killed me this year. but fortunately for you (and me, OBVS!), i lived to tell the tale! or at least, what is fit to broadcast to strangers on the internet. so wheeeee let’s get started!

THURSDAY NIGHT

the festival began with a bang in the form of jemaine clement, who arrived at the paramount looking V. SNAZZY INDEED for the premiere of “gentlemen broncos.”

i know i’m not alone in saying that i really, really wanted to touch his velvet jacket. and just cos velvet is soft! no other reason!

btw, next year i think fantastic fest should invite commentary from the fug girls. cos, hello, it IS a red carpet event! you can see it in the picture, so you know it’s legit. on the other hand, given that the rest of the audience is composed of film geeks, this might not be such a great idea. although i didn’t see ANY leggings, and i’m pretty sure everyone was wearing underwear, so i’d say fantastic fest shows would at least get a lower fug rating than, say, the premiere of “i know who killed me.”

speaking of glam, the paramount is the perfect place for a big time film premiere, cos it’s all classy and fancy pants. it’s like straight out of that scene in “annie” where daddy warbucks takes annie to the movies! minus the dancing ushers, although i have the feeling some of those old ladies still know how to shake what their mamas gave ‘em.

while waiting for the film to start, i managed to engage sam rockwell in a brief conversation that went something like this:

(man makes his way through empty row where sarah is sitting)

sarah: hey, please don’t step on my beer (points to beer can on the ground)

(man carefully avoids beer and continues on his way)

20 minutes later

sarah: OMG THAT WAS SAM ROCKWELL!!!!

thanks, sam rockwell, for not stepping on my beer! you’re awesome!

unfortunately, the movie itself was… not so awesome. i just felt like it was trying too hard to be weird. with that said, i still think “gentlemen broncos” is worth seeing solely to experience jemaine clement as dr. ronald chevalier, outrageously egotistical sci-fi hack and one of the best film characters of ALL TIME. even if you’re not a scifi/fanatasy nerd like i am, you will go bananas for the scene in which chevalier illustrates how to transform a humdrum character name into a magical moniker simply by adding prefixes like “onium” or “ificus” to the end which then devolves into a fight about troll name derivation. honestly, if the movie had been all dr. ronald chevalier, all of the time, i think *somebody* would’ve had an oscar on their hands.

jemaine even did the intro in character, complete with his cropped leather jacket, pointless bluetooth headpiece and his deep alan-rickman-style voice.

after the movie, i ran into erica, who cuts my hair in houston and just happens to be completely badass. girlfriend don’t not take shizz from NOBODY. when she was in high school, she used to write people’s names on her t-shirts and then, when they asked her, “why is my name on yr shirt?” she’d respond, “because i hate you.”

DANG!

i ended up giving erica and her friends a ride to the highball, which is FINALLY OPEN YOU GUYS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR FOREVER!!!!!!!

and it is just as ritzy and swanky as i dreamed it would be. seriously, if i told you this place used to be a salvation army, you would give me the crazy eye.

I KNOW, RIGHT? everything is black and red and gold and v. mad men-y. and did i mention the vintage bowling lanes?!!

yeah, that’s henri, wearing his gold jacket cos he likes to match fancy things.

the other side of the bar features a sweet dance floor complete with a stage and INSANE LASERS!!!!

y’all, i think this might be my new home (until i move to harry potter world, of course).

in honor of the popcorn balls featured in the movie, there was a station where you could make popcorn scupltures. jasmine made a skull! yay!

there was also a photo booth with a battle stag, a prominent feature of the sci fi stories in “gentlemen broncos.”

um, you guys know how i feel about pictures, so of course henri and i had to get snapped on top of the stag.

awww!! battle stag love bombs away!!!

everyone seemed to enjoy themselves immensely at the opening night party, although i think erica had the Night of Her Life cos she ended up talking to jemaine!! what WHAT!! and i guarantee you her conversation was better than my exchange with sam rockwell.

FRIDAY

i started off my afternoon with “cropsey,” a documentary that highlights society’s need for urban legends by exploring the disappearances of several children on staten island. it was sad and compelling and depressing and um, yeah, totally terrifying (walking through an abandoned mental hospital? easiest route to HEEBIE JEEBIES) . i definitely recommend it! check out the trailer:

then it was time for the “zombieland” premiere back at the paramount! i’d seen the trailer for the movie, plus i um totally heart jesse eisenberg, so i was definitely excited.

there were people from zombie manor giving audience members free makeovers, which i politely declined cos has no one heard about clogged pores? also, it turns out that people in zombie make-up are even more annoying than real zombies. they just walk around and bump into you and moan but, unlike the real thing, you can’t punch them out of self-defense. you just have to put up with them. GAH.

the director and main cast eventaully arrived, except for abigail breslin, who is apparently working on another film cos her parents believe in child labor. LOOK HOW CUTE JESSE EISENBERG IS!!!!

why yes he DOES have his jacket tied around his waist!!!

then the movie began, and let’s just say i was NOT disappointed. in fact, I HAD THE BEST TIME!!!!! “zombieland” is hilarious and ridiculous and wild and oh man there are some AWESOME zombie death scenes. in fact, it almost makes me wish there was a real zombie apocalypse so i could hang out with woody harrelson and search for twinkies. and that’s saying a lot you guys cos zombies are gross and i don’t even like twinkies that much.

also i won’t give it away but BEST CAMEO EVER. like, they should create a new academy award category just for the person who appears in this movie.

seriously, when it comes out, GO SEE IT. IMMEDIATELY. and YOU’RE WELCOME.

afterwards, henri did a fabulous and v. dr. professional job of moderating the Q&A. look at him!

this was one of the best Q&As i have ever seen, and i’m not just saying that cos i’m dating the moderator. jesse eisenberg was HILARIOUS, and woody harrelson was completely stoned. it was obvious that the cast had a super fun time making the movie together, and now i’m really sad that i didn’t get to take them to uchi afterwards so we could become BFFs.

the best question was the last one, when someone asked, “so, who supplied the weed?” (there’s a brief pot scene in the movie). without hesitation, jesse said, “abigail breslin.”

HOLLA!!!

after the movie, we headed back to the highball for the japan party, which is basically just an excuse for festival-goers to go cray cray with the cast and crew of the japanese movies featured at fantastic fest.

the party began with some karaoke and then cranked it up with a samurai call contest, which involves people yelling “SAMURAI!!” and being judged by two japanese directors who don’t really speak english. in other words, it is GREAT.

here’s an example of a “good” samurai call:

now, that may seem easy peasy, but don’t be fooled! here’s an example of just how tricky the contest can be:

this samurai-wannabe learned the hard way after he threw the microphone on the floor:

and, finally, here’s my favorite samurai call of the night, performed by the larger than life (and i mean that in a hardcore way, not the backstreet way), muy loco spanish director, nacho:

then it was time for japanese karaoke!!! i found out that if you want to have the best dance party in the world, you need to invite japanese people. sorry, pants world, but given that dance parties are my main passion in life, i gotta stay true to my dreams and find some new japanese friends like these folks:

guess who has more fun than those guys? NO ONE.

the night ended with… and i never, ever imagined that i would write this sentence but, ok, the night ended with a totally awesome pole dance.

i know, i know, that sounds weird. and maybe pervy. but seriously, it was AMAZING. so one of the actresses from “robogeisha” (best title ever, and yes, you should watch the trailer) is, like, reeeeally into pole dancing, so much so that she travels with her own portable pole. I AM NOT KIDDING.

fortunately, her relationship with the pole is less gentlemen’s club and more gymnastics, cos she pretty much brought down the house with her performance. unfortunately, a stupid press camera guy started standing in front of me (RUDE), so i lost a good deal of my view after the first minute or so. i did manage to capture the beginning of her dance, though, so you can get the idea:

the whole portable pole thing doesn’t seem so crazy anymore, does it? cos WOW.

and don’t worry (SPOILER ALERT), you’ll see this gymnast pants again…

and so ends my first half of fantastic fest. score:

fantastic fest: alive and kicking
posh d. luxe: barely breathing thanks to insane japanese dance party and brush with annoying zombies

to be continued!

stay tuned for john c. reilly! eric from “true blood”! michael jackson dance extravaganza!

© 2009 Poshdeluxe.