awesome vs. awful

AWESOME vs. AWFUL: vampires vs. zombies

i am most pleased to announce the return of the fiercely argued, completely earth-shattering AWESOME VS. AWFUL! cue the snotty intellectual applause!!!

i have no doubt that today’s topic will be the talk of the town for weeks to come, for it is an extremely controversial issue that has shaken our world to its v. core. i mean, even 60 minutes won’t touch this shizz.

i’m talking, of course, about VAMPIRES VERSUS ZOMBIES.

in recent years, both have taken pop culture by storm, infecting (ha HA) media at every level and saturating the market for mankind’s worst enemy. both have fans and detractors; both are fantastical and pee-in-the-pants inducing.

obviously, only a v. v. skilled professional could handle such a heavyweight issue, but i believe today’s debaters are more than up to the task.

pants world, please give a warm, pen-flipping welcome to jenny (arguing vampires) and john (arguing zombies)!

and without further ado, LET’S GET ALL UPONS THIS DEBATE!

First and foremost, vampires are AWESOME because they are sexy.  They are the only monster that directly reflects human sexuality, which perpetuates life.  They feed on the blood of their victims much like a child is nurtured in the womb.  Plus, there’s the whole sucking thing, and who doesn’t like that?  Our pulse points are also erogenous zones? Genius!  Vampires are also wily, a thinking man’s monster, if you will.  Where other monsters may represent the beast within, as with werewolves, or political climate, as with zombies, vampires are the most human of all the monsters.  They have immortality, strength, and most often beauty- the things most humans crave.  In some ways, vampires are the idealized imaginings of ourselves.

Ok, ok, interesting points all.  I have to point out though: all of that makes vampires less INTENSELY TERRIFYING.  Essentially, if a vampire got me on my own, I’d probably look at being a potential recruit as a really good thing, minus the biting.  Zombies, on the other hand, make the biting considerably more inconvenient and painful, and immediately convert you to being a smelly unthinking evil thing.  Which, as you point out with your opening statement is considerably worse than being a handsome fragrant evil thing.

So right now, pants readers are thinking “it’s clear: vampires are awesome and zombies are awful.  John is still the worst arguer of arguments ever.” WELL… that might be true. The part about me being bad at arguments.  But here’s my point of view: zombies are considerably scarier than vampires. Because, when you think about it, being a vampire wouldn’t be the end of the world, figuratively speaking.  But, a zombie infestation WOULD be the end of the world, literally speaking!! This fact, although not very good for the human race, is both objectively and undeniably awesome.  Because, at the end of the day, if you go far enough down that road of sexy vampires, you get to Twilight.  The Twilight vampires are definitively awful.  Zombies never give up, they don’t disappear in the daytime, and there will never be a zombie with sparkly diamond skin and an angst-ridden relationship with a minor. I hope.

Alright now, so first off, very good arguments, Mr. Harney.  I myself have been known to be a terrible arguer.  I tend to spend too much time saying, “oh, I see your side of things…”  However, for the sake of the pants, I must point out a few things: One, although zombies are truly vile and gross, they are only TERRIFYING when they are fast, and most zombies are slow.  A slow zombie? You can always get away from.  That’s the thing I like about zombie stories, actually.  You can fight them.  Shoot them in the head. Out-run them.  Out-think them.  Things you can’t do with a vampire.  Zombies never give up, but they also can’t really KEEP up.  Even with fast zombies, escaping is at least possible.  And although being turned into a zombie is just about the grossest thing imaginable, would you really mind, once you were turned?  I think not.  I think you wouldn’t mind your own smell, and might even enjoy slowing down the pace of life and enjoying some brains with your friends. However, with vampires, although, as you said, being a potential recruit could be a good thing, to paraphrase Buffy, season 2, most of the time, they’re just going to kill you.

So, I would argue that yes, zombies are GROSSER than vampires, but that is one of the reasons WHY vampires are awesome! To be completely afraid of something you are also secretly drawn to… THAT sums up the human condition right there!  Also, psychologically, while zombies represent the mindless parts of our nature, vampires represent that plotting, conniving evil part of our nature that lives just below the surface of every human.  The part of us MOST of us strive our whole lives not to give in to.  Although I will admit that the Twilight vampires are awful- honestly, I don’t even really think of them as vampires, just lame angsty sparkling meat eaters.  And I think there’s actually a Twilight fan fiction out there that DOES throw zombies into the mix.  Sorry.

Hmmmm….

Well, let me just say this very quickly.  I don’t think you should have to personally apologise for Twilight fan fiction, but I’m glad you have.  I think the more apologies out there the better. I am also sorry.  So sorry.

Anyone else like how this has already become a Twilight-bashing conversation?  I need to buy the DVD.  Best unintentionally funny movie ever.

Right, I must contest this idea that you can get away from zombies.  I mean, you can, for a while.  Thing is, most of the agricultural industry is pretty much going to stop as soon as the field hands start eating each other, so there’s not going to be much for the regular humans to eat after a couple of weeks.  Not to mention electricity, drinking water and so on.  On top of all of this, you get the really scary part about zombie infestation.  It’s not the fear of living with the constant threat of suffering a neck bite of the least sensual variety.  It’s that fear you get when you wake up one morning in your little barricaded cottage in an idyllic rural setting to see that the hundreds of zombies outside have become thousands and they’re NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

That’s pretty awesome.  However, I better counter your point that the gross factor gives vampires the advantage.  In the comic Preacher, the possibly insane alcohol-dependent Irish vampire Cassidy spends a bit of time with some vampires that are too busy being a bunch of pansies with frilly cuffs to be doing what they should be doing. Rather than ripping heads off and flying around, i.e. being awesome vampires, they are acting like the characters Anne Rice felt were a little too wimpy.  This raises an important point.  If most of the human race were vampires, the posers would be more powerful than ever before.  There are people out there who like to drink “blood punch” and wear capes on a Saturday evening NOW.  What would we do if these people were superhuman?

If I become zombified, it’ll suck but I’ll pretty much have checked out.  Being given a bunch of awesome  superpowers only to discover I had to share the world with a bunch of idiots who think we all have to be “decadent” and recite poetry we’ve written about the darkness of the night would be truly awful.

Uh, you have stupid hair.  No, sorry, sorry, and sorry again. (Two of those are to go toward the Twilight kitty.) I’ve never really seen your hair.

Okay, so you see, maybe I’m a wee bit optimistic, but when I envision myself in zombie scenarios, I figure a way out of it.  Maybe it was growing up during the cold war, but get me to a bunker with some canned food and milk jugs full of water- that I’ve been storing up for years, of course- and all I have to do is wait for those pesky zombies to die out. Anyway, I’m just trying to say that if people used their heads and worked together, I think they could defeat zombies.

As far as having to share the world with a bunch of idiots, well we do that every day, don’t we?  And vampire poetry? Beauty effulgent, anyone?

Well, I like your positive outlook that people could get together to outsmart zombies.  However, if movies have taught me anything, and they have, it’s that every scenario involving zombies, aliens or some other threat to human existence will be compromised by either a scheming sociopathic jerk or a seemingly innocuous mistake.

It’s a tough outlook, to be fair.  Vampires are still more awful, though.  I haven’t even mentioned the Lost Boys.  I’ve really been ignoring the biggest weakness of vampires, though: sunlight.  Ultimately, if you can hole up for the night, you can make a run for it by day, or alternatively hunt down helpless vampires, a la Robert Neville in the book I Am Legend or, less impressively, James Woods in the weird John Carpenter disaster Vampires.

So, zombies are more awesome in the classical sense of the word because they are the greater threat!

CLOSING ARGUMENTS! IT’S TIME TO GET SERIOUS!

Alright, I cannot disagree with the lessons you’ve learned from the movies- your reasons are probably why I live like a hermit- and yes, sunlight is a very big obstacle for most vampires to overcome.  However, we ultimately disagree on WHAT makes something awesome vs. awful.  I agree with you that zombies are, on a global level, the bigger threat.  I agree that they are less appealing and gross.  But THAT is what makes them AWFUL, not awesome.  Vampires might not be the biggest threat, because in most stories, they don’t bring humans to extinction.  They are sexy and smart, and not USUALLY gross or sparkly, and, if one wanted to turn us, we might not mind so much.  That is what makes vampires AWESOME. AWESOME. AWFUL.  It’s pretty clear to me.

Hmmm… yes, this is true.  I must concur that there is some awesomeness to vampirism.  And there is awfulness involved in a zombie horde.  Zombies mean the end of the world, which isn’t good.  That’s the trick though! Vampires and zombies are both fictional monstrosities designed to scare us, even if we don’t admit it deep down, and provide a threat for the protagonist of a work of fiction.  Vampires are inherently beatable and therefore less scary than zombies, who always win.  Even when 28 Days Later ended with “zombies” starving to death, they came back in the sequel! Zombies are better bad guys than vampires, and so they are AWESOME!!!

END OF DEBATE!!!

so, pants world, who’s the winner? slip on yr blazer and tie and declare yr opinions with utter conviction in the comments!

LINKS

finally, what the world’s been waiting for: an accurate history of the urban dance movie. i fully expect this to be added to american history AP textbooks by 2011.

jim and pam!!!!!!!! GOOOOOIN TO THE CHAPEL AND THEY’RE! GONNA GET MAAAAAARRIED!

broadway, i hope you’re ready. cos “bring it on” is the poo, and you’re about to TAKE A BIG WHIFF!

dear hollywood: you have GOT to find a better cellular carrier. cos this is ridiculous.

have y’all seen the trailer for the private lives of pippa lee? i want to see it! and NOT just cos keanu is in it. cos also GG represent!

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