voyages

aloholla part 2: meanie waves, a luau and the best pool IN THE WORLD

if you guys thought hawaii looked pretty and posh after my last post, PREPARE TO HAVE YR PANTS BLOWN cos, believe it or not, the trip got better! well, part of that has to do with no more death defying drives but anyway.

also this post is long. i’m sorry but i have a tendency to spazz out about tasty business, fancy pants, funny kids… actually, everything in this post. none of you find this surprising, so please proceed!

on our second day in maui, we decided to drive down to big beach, which we’d heard was really beautiful and surprisingly uncrowded. on the way, we stopped in lahaina, a town with lots of charm…

and even more tourism!!! as in, MATCHING HAWAIIAN OUTFITS ANYONE?!!!!

and before you get yr hopes up, no, we did not buy a matching wardrobe collection, even though it would have been SUPER CUTE AND AWESOME and I REALLY REALLY WANTED US TO. le sigh.

after about an hour of driving, we finally reached big beach, and like everyone said, it is v. pretty.

erica’s co-worker also told her that a wave at big beach had actually dislocated his shoulder, but come ON! the water is so blue! the sun is so bright! what could possibly go wrong?

um. you guys. NEVER GO TO BIG BEACH. unless you want to get FACEPLANTED MULTIPLE TIMES INTO THE SAND AND LOSE YR SUNGLASSES AND YR HAT AND POSSIBLY FRACTURE YR CHEEKBONE.

these waves? they mean Serious Business. as in, serious injury business.

i ended up lying on my towel, in a fetal position, crying with tons of sandy snot all over my face. they don’t sell postcards of THAT hawaiian experience, LET ME TELL YOU.

the worst part is that there were tons of kids frolicking in the waves like it was all so easy peasy. i may have replaced my sunglasses (yay!) but i don’t think I WILL EVER GET MY DIGNITY BACK. curse you, big beach!

fortunately, we found a v. calm, v. harmless beach just down the road… with black sand!! how cool is that?

later that night, we participated in an important hawaii tourist tradition: the luau!! since, once again, erica is the most hooked-up person on the planet, we got VIP seats right next to the stage! aloholla!

this little girl sat next to us and was like, the cutest thing ever. i tried smiling at her a couple of times but i was no match for that sweet model train.

in addition to awesome seats, being VIP meant we had an open bar, which for henri equaled a plethora of blue drinks…

(erica, my sentiments exactly)

AND, the best part, WE GO TO BE FIRST IN LINE FOR FOOD!!!!! MOST AMAZING PERK EVER!!! you guys THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

finally, the show began, and we got to meet our host, this guy:

I LOVED THIS GUY. seriously, he was like a host from the 70s or something. his favorite joke was about how in ancient hawaiian times, the men cooked for the women! IMAGINE THAT, LADIES!!! don’t you wish you lived in ancient hawaii?! HAR HAR HAR.

the performances at the show were really fun and vibrant, so even though i felt like a totally white tourist watching a disneyfied version of hawaiian culture, i still had the best time!

the finale of the show was this fire dancer dude. i’m guessing he’s never seen “backdraft”:

at one point, he PUTS THE FIRE ON HIS TONGUE. I AM NOT KIDDING.

so, yeah, the dancing was neat, and the fire dancer was cool, but the REAL highlight of the show was watching some kids (and adults, i.e. ERICA!) learn how to do the hula dance. you guys, this video is gold. GOLD! keep yr eye on the kid in the red hawaiian shirt who’s directly in front of the instructor. that is some straight up billy elliot shizz!!

since the luau was outside, we also got to enjoy an incredible hawaiian sunset:

dude. i want that airbrushed on a t-shirt so i can wear it RIGHT NOW.

the next morning, we enjoyed a TASTY BUSINESS BRUNCH at the hotel’s “swan court” restaurant:

i know, right?!! instead of a fourth wall, there’s a pretty lake and lush scenery and sweet ocean breezes!!!

i basically tried everything from the buffet, but you know what my favorite thing was? no, it wasn’t the fresh omelette. no, it wasn’t the miso soup (although that was quite excellent). no it wasn’t the chocolate muffin or the sausage or the french toast or the fresh pineapple.

it was this little ole donut:

i know, it doesn’t even LOOK v. good. but when i bit into it, i was instantly transported to those mornings before school when mom would throw a honey bun into the microwave and then i would dig into it while reading the comics. i realize this is like, preferring hamburger helper to filet mignon but… there you have it.

with a few hours to kill before heading to the airport, we decided to drive a portion of the road to hana (we referred to our abbreviated version as “the road *towards* hana”). it’s supposed to be a pretty twisty road, but after our adventures on 340, this thing was a piece of cake (mm cake). in fact, the whole thing kind of felt like a car commercial, which explains this photo:

we stopped to check out the twin falls, which were cool but not as postcard-y as i had hoped. here’s the first one, where lots of local kids hang out:

and here’s the second one, which you can only reach by wading through lots of water. henri made it into the cave, but i decided to stay dry cos i’m a weenie.

back at the maui airport, we were lucky enough to have time to eat at sammy’s, the restaurant owned by THE ONE AND ONLY SAMMY HAGAR. WHAT WHAT!!!!!!

seriously, when we walked into this place, i had no clue that i was about to eat at a restaurant owned by a FREAKING MEMBER OF VAN HALEN!!! however, given the number of photos of sammy in the restaurant, it didn’t take us long to figure it out. my favorite was this tv that showed photos of sammy in concert:

CHECK THAT BLUE DRINK! ALOHOLLA!

i just found this video of the grand opening, which is pretty great. and, in all honesty, i gotta give sammy props, cos the restaurant donates all profits to charity (dang!) and the food was actually tasty! i myself had the “kicked up fries,” which means that, from now on, if something needs more flavor, i have to say, “i gotta kick up this ___” or “these ___ need to get kicked up!”

after a totally stupid delay (never fly island air you guys. for serious), we made it to kauai, our second island of the trip! i’d heard that kauai is the most beautiful island in hawaii, but it was really dark, so i couldn’t tell yet (lame!). however, once we got to the hotel, i could tell right away that it was TOTALLY POSH DELUXE AND FANCY PANTS AND LIKE STRAIGHT OUT OF A MOVIE!!

here’s the entrance (i took this the next day, obvs):

when we got to our floor, we saw this sign:

guess who was in room 6146? SWEET FANCY MOSES we had to walk like A MILE TO GET TO OUR ROOM. but i can’t complain, cos a) we had an awesome ocean view b) the hallways had lots of open windows to let the breeze in, like this:

this hotel was so posh, even the “do not disturb” signs were chic!

but the best part of this hotel? Y’ALL I CANNOT HANDLE THIS AND I WAS THERE… the pool.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A POOL THIS AWESOME IN MY LIFE.

it was basically a series of pools connected by little natural-looking rivers, complete with waterfalls, three hot tubs (!) and a slide!!!

so, i will begin with the adults-only pool, where henri, erica and i spent the day (see the tent in the middle with the striped towel on the chair? that’s where we were. cos shade is a pale person’s best friend!).

in spite of my love for kids, it is REALLY nice to chillax in a pool without any spastic splashing, shrieking and whining. the adult pool also became our haven after a run-in with our kauai nemesis, kate. i’ll tell you about her in a minute.

you could actually make yr way through the entire series of pools, starting with the adult pool and going over this slide:

and then weaving down this river:

going past this waterfall:

and ending up at the rec pool:

you did actually have to leave the water (GAH! what is this, the super 8?!) to get to the saltwater pool, which bumped up right against the beach:

KAUAI HOTEL POOL WHY ARE YOU NOT IN MY BACKYARD?!!

then i could spend all day with wrinkled fingers and pretend to be in “goonies” by going down the awesome slide!!!

(pants to erica for that fantastic video!)

so, yeah, this place was almost a perfect paradise, except for the presence of kate, who might possibly be the meanest child i have ever met. some time in the afternoon, henri, erica and i were weaving our way through the rivers and pools when we passed by a tan little girl who looked to be about nine years old. here’s what happened:

kate: um, excuse me, could you guys like move? we’re trying to play a game here and YOU’RE IN THE WAY.

erica: ha ha… uh… we’re walking! don’t worry! sheesh.

kate: slowly but SURELY!!!! (<– in a sing-song voice even more annoying than miley cyrus, if that is scientifically possible)

sarah: yeah, don’t worry, we’re going back to the ADULT ONLY POOL. where there’s NO KIDS ALLOWED.

kate: yeah, GO BACK TO YR POOL!!!!

henri: (quoting “happy gilmore” for reasons i cannot explain) GO BACK TO YR HOME! ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YR HOME?!!

kate: ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YR SHORTS?!!

end scene

after that terrifying run-in, we managed to avoid her in the pool, although henri saw her several more times and barely escaped with his life.

the other kids at the pool were actually awesome, though. like, the one kid hanging out by the mini-slide who said, as i was about to go down, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!” and then there were the roving gangs of kids, like a kiddie version of the old west. here was my favorite exchange:

blonde kid with his brothers: hey you guys! it’s THE NINJA KID! do you remember us?!!

asian kid (aka ninja kid): oh yeah, i remember YOU alright.

blonde kid: do you wanna play with us?

ninja kid: i don’t have any guns!

blonde kid: oh that’s ok. we’ve got PLENTY.

end scene

as you can see, our first day in kauai was a sweet blur of sun and chlorine…

drinks by the pool…

(henri’s blue drinks suddenly became teal… must be a kauai thing)

and, of course, READING!!!!!

(in case you can’t tell, that’s henri impersonating me)

i’ll be wrapping up this glorious vacation in my next post, so stay tuned for puka dogs! the hawaiian grand canyon! waikiki! and, most importantly, malasadas!!!

MAHALO!

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