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Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa…
An Iowa Primer – Pants-style
by Sally Pants
I just got back from my trip home to Iowa! My mom turned 60 and the whole gang showed up. In case you don’t know, I have the largest family outside of farmers and the fervently religious. See below for a picture of just me and my siblings.
That’s right, there are NINE of us! We all dragged our significant others and the clan of children to welcome my ma into her 60th year with a potluck. At this gathering I discovered that my 6th grade nieces are far more well read than I am. They are working through the C.S. Lewis series and all I could contribute was that C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein engraved their initials into a table in a pub in Oxford. So, my nieces can describe the insides of books, and I can describe the insides of bars. This is not surprising because I brought a box of wine to celebrate, and seeing as how people preferred Miller Light, it was mano-a-mano with the box of wine. This means I got a little tipsy. A lot tipsy, but my mother assured me in the morning that I didn’t do anything to embarrass her. I tend to get rather tipsy at family gatherings, but this time I kept my pants ON and didn’t lose my wallet! Yay, progress!!!
The first night back my bff, Deanna Bastard (Dbas, for short) and I trekked to our old play ground, and set off in style on our tandem bike!!
You are sooo jealous right now! We got to good old South East Elementary and discovered that we are still awesome and our favorite playground stations.
The next day my sister arrived with her Banjo, which I proceeded to learn while drinking from my glorious box of wine.
I spent most of my time at home on the porch with my seemingly grouchy, but actually totally sweet pa (for this apparent discrepancy, see below in your Iowa primer).
Iowa’s summers are short, but vicious (over 100 degrees). Summer hasn’t yet started yet (even though it was almost July). I knew it wasn’t summer because at the hottest time of the day it was barely making it to 85.
This was glorious compared to what Texas was going through, and this calm before the summer heat almost makes it worth the six months of snow Iowans have to deal with, but it doesn’t really. Nothing makes up for never being able to trick or treat without a winter coat and boots on. As you may have guessed, my Halloween costume abilities are severely atrophied, and to this day cannot think of a good one. Help an Iowan out this year, all right? Suggestions are welcome in the comments section.
But this pre-summer weather made perfect disc golfing down by the river.
This is also amazing because the river looked like this last year at this time (you’ll recognize the green bridge behind us master golfers).
I rounded out my trip in true Iowa fashion by going on a mule ride of course! Our great family friend, John, raises mules. Here I am with John and Spider who was FREAKING HUGE!
The other ones are the size of donkeys. I got on and shamed John by not knowing how to ride a horse or mule. Duh, John. I am a CITY GIRL! My town is nine THOUSAND people HUGE (for those who know UT, that is about the size of the freshman class)!
You’ll notice that the mule is not moving, and judging by his legs, has no intention of doing so. John shook his head and lead me around on the reins. I didn’t want to get off, so John tied spider up to the back of the mule wagon and we rode off into the sunset.
It was sooo BEAUTIFUL! Man, those rolling hills and corn fields sure do a soul good.
Then, I came back to Austin and to 102 degree weather. I’m still trying to shake my Upper Midwestern the accent. It always takes a couple days, so if you want a laugh, call me up.
THE IOWA PRIMER
I know most of you pantsters are Texans. Now, most Americans and a majority of foreigners will be able to tell you a lot about Texas but, ask an American about Iowa, they’ll either ask you if that’s where they grow potatoes or if that is the buckeye state. My dear friends, everyone should get to know our beloved swing state a bit better.
1. Cultural high point
Iowa has a world renowned butter sculptor and this year will be paying tribute to Michael Jackson at the Iowa State Fair with a butter sculpture of him. Please see picture below for previous music icon sculptures. I hope she adds sequins!!
2. Local custom
Hats. Though Iowans have a bit of the cowboy in them, they are predominantly a harvesting creature. This means that all baseball caps must represent the seed that you plant. For instance, my good pal John, pictured below, plants Wilson seed and his forehead will tell you:
Now John is a pretty savvy fellow, and therefore will not wear his hat in the old school customary way, which is resting precariously on top of your head, allowing passers-by to admire the progress of your balding pate through the mesh of your seed cap. This is common mostly in the Dekalb and Pioneer fans see below:
It must have been a particularly windy day for farmer AJ, because his hat is pretty far down on his head.
3. Linguistics
Where I come from in Iowa, we speak “North Central American English” or “Upper Midwestern.” This means we sound like North Dakotans trying to hide their Norwegian American pride. Now, not everyone sounds like I do when I get tired “Oah, jeez, Ahi’m tie-erd.” But, there are some things that you should know
Pop = soda
Crick = creek
Ruff = roof (rutt = root)
Dinner = lunch
Supper = dinner
Bad weather = tornado, flood, or both at once.
4. Diversity. Now there is a lot of racial diversity in Iowa. Betcha didn’t know that, didja? There are the German-Americans and the Norwegian-Americans. See below for the stark differences.
German-American
Norwegian American
Now, most people can’t tell the difference, but being of Norwegian-American stock raised in a German-American household, I have can help you figure out what race you are talking to despite the fact that they look totally the same.
Category Normal Norwegian-American German-American
Phrases “Come here” “Come here, now then” “Come here, once”
Food Pork chops Lutefisk (fish soaked in lye) Bratwurst mit sauerkraut
Swearing Shit! Drit! Scheiße!
Male height 5’9” 6’ 5’11.75”
Orgs. FFA Daughters of Norway Hertiage Days planning committee
Show of happiness Smile Really loud laugh Frown
The differences are stark and polarizing, but we are working for a peaceful resolution of tensions. This is usually accomplished when an outside element is introduced and we band together. An example of one such outside element would be when someone Anglo-American enters the room. Because look at how weird they are:
Like a different species entirely.
Anyway, I hope that you will now know your way around the cultural land mines planted cunningly in the subtleties of Iowa.
And, really, Kirk is from there. Who could stay away?!
Discussion
12 comments for “Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa…”
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awesome! my favorite is the tandem bike. OHIO is the buckeye state, and my grandpa still says rutt beer.
thanks for clearing up the diversity of the species.
“Bratwurst mit sauerkraut”
which is why german-americans are the best.
sally, i laughed so hard at the part about the hats. maybe Iowans and Mississippians come from the same stock? Cause they do the same thing back home.
Needs more corn.
What a great family to have grown up by! I miss you all sad i missed you! Keep up the great work! Love it! Your German Iowan, Kim
This is a terrific guest pants. After Iowa let the gays get married a ton of my friends stammering and confounded said, “How can California…California! deny the gays and Iowa…I don’t get it.”
Well, what they don’t know is that if you drive 20 minutes from San Francisco you might as well be in fucking Wichita. Man, but the upper midwest (which i count as Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin and Illinois), is singularly the greatest part of the US.
Jay, I am glad you think so. We are pretty awesome but not allowed to say it because that would be arrogant. There was once a nobel prize winner from the midwest who called his mother to let her know. The first thing she said was, “Now don’t let this go to your head.”
Yay, Sally! This was such a fun post. Your family is awesome, and I am a fan of Iowa’s corresponding seed/hat relationship. Also, OMG, bratwurst mit sauerkraut is my favorite EVER. As someone raised in a German-American household, you HAVE to come to Wurstfest with us this year!
Meredith. Consider it done. As a wee wolf pup, I thought bratwursts far inferior to hot dogs with injected cheese (kind of like the jelly doughnuts of processed meat). But, now, thank heaven, I have come to see the glory of the brat. I will try to find my traditional Bavarian bodice for the occasion.
sally, next time you go to iowa… TAKE ME WITH YOU! except not in winter.
i wanna have a beer with john and then ride a mule!! and also, as a blonde, v. v. fair person, i will totally blend in. in fact, i wonder if i could pass for iowan? ok, like, a mute iowan. what do you think?
thank you for continuing the pantstributor tradition of awesome.
you hit this right on! and, being raised in a dual norwegian-american AND german-american household was a bit confusing. i’m glad you clarified. i’m actually visiting iowa now, and wow is is wonderful!
Hah! This so helps when understanding the intricacies of the Norwegian vs German culture… I swear, you guys are SO difficult to understand (HAHAHHAHA)
your Jewish-Russian-American sister in law
I had seen the mule pic, but hadn’t read the commentary. Great! I was talking about your nieces love of reading to the wee-hours of the morning (and then sleeping late) and was told to check out your reference here. As their mother I hope they continue to know more about the inside of the books than the things on the pub tables (at least for several more years) – ha ha!