I always wish I were the type of kid who wrote to Future Me – you know, where you sit and compose letters to your future self so that when you get older you can read them and laugh at yr bad handwriting and then feel bad about not accomplishing your goals? Actually, never mind, I’m glad I never wrote to my Future Self.

But past self? Let’s see . . .

To 4-year-old Erin: Are you planning to take that Michael Jackson tshirt off anytime soon? No? Okay, carry on, then.

To 6-year-old Erin: How does it feel being forced to write with your right hand by your sadistic teacher? Can you use your left hand to at least subtly flip her the bird?

To 8-year-old Erin: How’s that new baby brother treating you? Have you decided whether to have a contentious relationship marked by jealousy for the next 21 years of your life, or have you decided to accept that you both have things you’re good at, and his talents don’t negate yours? Can I recommend the latter approach?

To my 11-year-old self: WHAT is with your hair? Also, please cease and desist the leggings and giant hypercolor shirts IMMEDIATELY.

To my 15-year-old self: Tell me honestly – would you rather continue to be aggressively weird and alone or admit that even though you like new wave and sci fi, you also like The Cardigans and rom-coms? Do you think defining yourself as anti-establishment is helping you, or hurting you?

To my 17-year-old-self: Congratulations! You’re experiencing your first awkward attempts at young love. Do you think you’re handling yourself, the relationship, and the boy’s feelings well, or have you bungled it? If you have bungled it, don’t you think it’d be better to apologize for your carelessness and work on that some so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes for the next 12 freaking years?

To my 18-through-20-year-old self: Stop. Stop it right now. Whatever it is you’re doing, stop it. Nothing good will come of any of it.

To my 23-year-old self: Do you think it’s a good idea to close yourself off from the world, or is it just the only option you can see? Why don’t you try to let someone help you?

To my self, ages 25-28: What was his name?

To my self of two weeks ago: Why is it you only let yourself feel and think and do and say things honestly when you’re away from your day-to-day life? Maybe you should try doing it every day; it may just work out for you.

And NOW I’m off to read that book, Sarah!

Oh, recommendation time? The Book Thief. I read it while on the plane home and sobbed like a little baby for about half an hour afterwards. Highly recommended if you like any of these things: nazis, Jews, commies, Death, heart-wrenching sadness, artistic prose, Jesse Owens.

To my 4-year-old self: you just left your hometown and Texas is so different. What do you miss about Colorado? What are the best parts of your new home in Sugar Land?

To my 7-year-old self: having a little brother is tough sometimes, huh? What are your favorite things to do with him? What makes him really a special guy?

To my 10-year-old self: what do you want your life to be like in another decade? Two decades?

To my 12-year-old self: You are taller and skinnier than everyone else you know. What is your favorite thing about how you look? Your least favorite thing?

To my 15-year-old self: You just got injured doing something you love so much. How do you feel not being able to dance like before?

To my 17-year-old self: What do you imagine college will be like? What have been your happiest childhood memories? What have been the toughest parts of growing up?

To my 22-year-old self: Do you have any regrets yet? What do you hope for most?

To my 24-year-old self: You’re moving to Paris?!?! How on earth did you get the courage to do that? Are you afraid?

To my 27-year-old self: You’re leaving Paris?!?! How on earth did you get the courage to do that? Are you out of your mind?

To my 28-year-old self: Is this how you imagined love would feel?

To my 4-year old self: what is your family like? how do you feel about it? what is your favorite toy?

To my 6-year old self: what’s it like having mom and dad in two different houses? are there fun parts to having two places to live? what happy things have happened this week?

To my 8-year-old self: what kind of person do you think you want to be when you grow up? tell me about your grandfathers – what are they like? what is special about them? what makes you feel brave?

To my 10-year-old self: what is your favorite thing to do on weekends? if you could choose any one thing, what special thing would you like to do this summer? you got to go to yosemite with your class this spring – tell me all about it!

To my 13-year-old self: you’ve recently switched from being a girl who wasn’t interested in school and didn’t do her homework to someone who works hard to get good grades – what caused the switch? your brother just got kicked out of the house – how to do you feel about that?

To my 17-year-old self: what do you value most about the friendships you have right now? what do you hope to learn in college? what’s something you’re looking forward to after graduation?

To my 18-year old self, one month after starting college: what is your roommate like? what kind of person do you think she’ll be at 30? what kind of person do you think you’ll be at 30? what do you think of that guy from alaska?

To my 22-year-old self, near graduation: you’re about to graduate! what have you cherished most about your last four years? tell me about your roommates. where do you think they will be at 30?

btw, i just had a quesadilla with sauteed onions for lunch, and it was delicious.

john, double true on the internet front. like… how did we, um, find stuff?

henri, i had a thought similar to yr fish query about onions, except then i realized that i’ve always hated onions and it’s not because of some experience or mental block, it’s cos ONIONS ARE GROSS.

Although I guess it would be worth while to ask questions of my younger selves, too. Most of them would be a variation of this:

7 year old Henri: Are you afraid of fish yet? Why? Where did that come from?

And so on down to I-Can-Barely-Talk Henri. Then I could finally understand that irrational part of my brain.

I’d also like to track down the major shift that happened to me between kindergarten and first grade that made me go from being totally unafraid of asking Jill Matalavage to be my girfriend in kindergarten but then left me practically incapable of speaking to Shannon Kidd until she’d been sitting next to me for three months of reading class in the fourth grade.

Basically I’d ask all of my past selves why they’re such pansies.

I would ask…

7 year old John: Why don’t you like Brussel Sprouts? They’re awesome!

12 year old John: How do you survive with no football on television and no magic Internet to let you know what’s going on?

16 year old John: how about this Internet thing? Isn’t it awesome??

17 year old John: is Mary Daly really worth getting that upset about?

21 year old John: Why are you studying Chinese? Have you lost your mind?

John, yesterday, sitting in a tube on a river in Texas: Did you ever expect that living in Texas could be THIS utterly fantastic?

Glad you loved the book, ladypants! 5 sentences into it, I thought, “This is a definite Sarah recommendation!”

SALLY STOP CRYING.