voyages

SCHLIT UP 2 THE SHTREETS!!!

so, it’s well established on le blog that i love summer. i love the heat and the laziness and the french fries (ok, well, that’s more of a year round thing but whatevs) and my teenage transformation.

but, my dear pantsers, do you know what i love most of all? DO YOU? DO YOOOUUUU?!!!!!!

oh, what, my extremely clever title gave it away? or was it all of my previous posts?

I’M TALKING ABOUT THE SCHLITTERBAHN, SUCKAS!!!!!!!!

which means that, once again, it’s time for the ultimate summer entry here on ye olde posh to the d:

PANTS WORLD GOES TO THE SCHLITTERBAHN

and since that sounds a lot like a children’s book that I WOULD LOVE TO READ, i’ve decided to fashion this entry into a sort of fairy tale. cos that’s exactly how the schlitterbahn feels– a magical, chlorinated kingdom full of tube slides and frito pie.

so gather around, children! and let us begin!

ONCE UPON A TIME…

there was a colorful, boisterous clan of lords and ladies known as pants world. bonded by their mission to seek awesomeness at all costs, members of pants world made an annual pilgrimage to the holy of the holiest awesomeness, the schlitterbahn.

thanks to the planning powers of lady meredith pants, they stayed in a glorious castle on the water, sort of like a moat but filled with people in tubes instead of scary monsters and/or skeletons of dead invaders.

when lady sarah pants arrived at the castle and spied her dear friends waiting for her on the dock, her heart was filled with joy. she dearly missed her fellow noblemen from the neighboring kingdom of houston, not to mention sir matthew, who traveled all of the way from the land of king arthur!

lady sarah quickly settled into her chambers in the “don’t mess with texas” wing of the castle.

like all ladies of good breeding, sarah enjoyed the quaint “country touches” in her room, from the alamo license plate (how appropo!) to the denim curtains.

after exploring the castle, lady sarah journeyed to the grist mill, a magnificent banquet hall, where all members of pants world come to eat, drink and be merry together.

sir henri, no doubt preparing for some sort of knight competition, practiced his skills of Photo Lurking.

while waiting for the feast to begin, pants world eagerly embraced their newest member, lady jen. although she had never been to the schlitterbahn before, lady jen possessed the bravery and sense of adventure necessary to tackle such a daunting task, and pants world gladly welcomed her into the fold.

the feast, complete with chicken fried steak, round-cut fries and other types of texan delicacies, began as sir matt showed off his new flip camera to an astounded sir schlabach.

lady sarah wasted no time in acquainting herself with this new technology and promptly caught sir ray engaging in some rather ungentlemanly behavior:

do not be alarmed, dear readers. that sound you hear is lady sarah laughing. please note that she does not normally laugh like this and is kind of weirded out by hearing it.

after dinner at the grist mill, pants world retired back to the castle to celebrate with a specially decorated cake, courtesy of sir matt (who, you may notice, is deeply enchanted by the sorceress Twitter).

as lords and ladies do, pants world spent a few amusing hours indulging in a game known as kings (which, as indicated by the name, is a royal and highly dignified pursuit).

sir henri played the role of the court jester, entertaining the audience with his discovery of a slightly doctored card belonging to lady erica g. note the meticulous removal of one of the apples in order to correlate with the number on the card– bravo, good knight!!!

the game also spawned a bit of jousting between sir ray and sir meredith, the latter quickly emerging as the more skilled champion.

the next morning, pants world woke up bright and early for their expedition into the glorious wonders of the Schlitterbahn. armed with coolers, sunscreen and their trusty tube steeds, the lords and ladies sailed upon a myriad of tube chutes.

through calm, languid streams and rushing white water, the lords and ladies bravely persevered!

even when they arrived at the scene of last year’s head-on collision (literally!), the good cheer of pants world could not be diminished.

after thoroughly exploring the ancient waterways of the original park, pants world hopped on the tram, which carried them to the more newly developed part of the kingdom. during the voyage, lady meredith and lady sarah pants paid tribute to the recently departed sir michael jackson of the silver glove.

once they arrived in the new section of the kingdom, pants world immediately joined in on the festivities taking place in the River of Happiness. think of it as a sort of ball, where noblemen go to frolick and play, but instead of dancing, you float along a massively crowded circular river with huge waves.

lady amber exemplifies the euphoria found in the River, whose waters are often compared to the Fountain of Youth.

as you can see by sir john’s expression, the River of Happiness is not just a clever name. in fact, i hear the lady of the lake is dying to get transferred there.

lady sarah prefers to call the water by her pet name, the River of I Love You Guys, because not only do the waves restore youth, they also invigorate the squee muscle.

thanks to the editing powers of sir matt, you can now experience a glimpse of pants world’s adventures on the river:

however, much like the terrifying beauty of the siren’s call, the waters of the River of Happiness can unfortunately drive mere mortals insane. such is the case with sir ray, who unsucessfully used a child’s life jacket as armor against the river’s magic…

… and slowly descended into the depths of crazytown.

the rest of pants world valiantly fought against the river’s power, but eventually, one by one, they all succumbed to The Cray.

happily, the river’s enchantment is merely temporary, and after several hours, the lords and ladies of pants world emerged from their chlorinated madness. engaged in a Tournament of Splashing, lady meredith and sir henri eventually concluded their fighting, as is their tradition, with lady meredith’s famous “Seriously, Henri? SERIOUSLY?!” expression/defense maneuver.

after a full day of magical adventure, the warriors of pants world bid each other farewell as they began the voyage back to their homelands. however, a brave contingent remained and, sworn to awesomeness, returned once again to the shores of the Schlitterbahn.

with the confidence and skill gained from their first day, these lords and ladies tackled several wild beasts, including:

The Fearsome Master Blaster!

The Deadly Floating Alligator!

(note lady erica’s impressive wrestling strategy)

The Savage Wolfpack!

And, finally, the Family Blaster (the gruesome name speaks for itself)!

at the close of the second day, the valiant knights of pants world once again emerged, unscathed and jubilant, from the schlitterbahn. huzzah huzzah!!!

and, as the legend goes, they vowed to return in one year’s time for yet another amazing and magnificent adventure.

THE END!

LINKS

you may be burned out on reading stuff about MJ, but i found this achewood strip to be both insightful and touching, not to mention double true.

vulture recently published a v. important report: which reunited rock bands hate each other the most? gah, i love me some rock star back-stabbing.

this is one of my favorite NYT vows in recent memory. like, i kinda teared up, you guys.

this chart of x-men relationships totally reminds me of the hook-up web in the five man at wiess. dude, wolverine is such a skank!!!

RON. WHAT HAPPENED. YOU’RE SO… dashing. and handsome. and, thankfully, finally of legal age.

have y’all seen the trailer for “the invention of lying”? i would be lying if i said this movie doesn’t look AWESOME (heh).

forget magic– emma watson looks so fierce in these pics, she could kill voldemort with one wink of her kohl-lined eye.

© 2009 Poshdeluxe.