Archive for October, 2008

the poshdeluxe DIY guide to vampires

Published by
Sarah
October 31, 2008 in culturelux. 15 Comments

PROLOGUE: the following email conversation with john inspired the topic of today’s entry:

JOHN: Time for my education… I just saw a trailer for the Twilight movie. How is the plot of Twilight different from Lost Boys?

SARAH: it’s v. different. and it can be spelled out in one sentence: “twilight” was written by a mormon housewife.

JOHN: You say it was written by a mormon housewife? But I’d heard there is a lot of sexy time involved.  The trailer had a needless shot of a girl’s bum.
Does the vampire have multiple wives?  If I’ve been drinking a lot of diet coke, can he drink my blood?

SARAH: john, there IS sexy time involved. but it is v. chaste sexy time. until SPOILER ALERT they get married. then anything goes!

dude, let me ask you something before i answer the next question– where is yr vampire knowledge coming from?

vampires can drink yr blood whenever they feel like it! cos they’re vampires! they’re strong and, like, a thousand times faster than you. apparently, every human has a different smell, which is also attached to their blood. so i guess yr blood smells like diet coke, which probably appeals to vampires with weight problem.

JOHN: My last two questions were directly related to the fact the author is mormon.  Mormons can have numerous wives, and they can’t drink soda because it contains a stimulant.

What exactly IS chaste sexy time?  I feel like I almost did that once, but then fixed whatever I was doing wrong.
As for my vampire knowledge, I will be the first to admit it’s limited, especially compared to you.  I just know the classics (Bram Stoker novel, Anne Rice, which is classic if you’re our age in my opinion, and Count Duckula).
* * *

this conversation got me to thinking about all of the various vampire myths floating around in our culture, and how, if i ever met a vampire, i would be totally screwed. cos like, some shows/books say that garlic wards them off, but others say the vamp will just laugh in my face and then tear me to pieces. or maybe the vampire will instantly fall in love with me, cos i’m human, and they think humans are enchanting… or not. WTF!!!

i decided to do what all vampire authors do: make a list of myths i want to keep about vampires, and myths i want to kick to the curb. the end result? BEST VAMPIRE EVER.

think of this like a hotter, deadlier version of build-a-bear. with fangs!

angel, you were so close to being perfect… for, like, those first three episodes. Continue reading ‘the poshdeluxe DIY guide to vampires’

dear diary pants: “that robot just won’t give up!”

Published by
Sarah
October 30, 2008 in dear diary. 3 Comments

in today’s entry, we discover the following details about almost-sophomore sarah:

1. she’s over dramatic, which doesn’t necessarily mean what she thinks it means.

2. she is surprisingly self-aware about the whole keanu thing.

3. she continues to enjoy every single mainstream movie released in the 90s and even discovers “lessons of life” in one of them.

4. she hates it when people abuse their pets!!

5. she is totally conceited.

7/29/94

You know what my problem is? I’m over dramatic. I mean, not in the sense that I’m always acting out death scenes or something. I’m talking about *inside*. I guess it could be because it’s close to my, um, time of the month, but it’s almost scary. I can get so depressed– and then I stop, and think about how silly I’m being.

I think it’s all the movies I see– I think they’re affecting my grip on reality. Like my premonition that I’m going to die young. Please.

I think that since my mind has nothing to occupy it, it starts entertaining itself (look up Keanu Reeves). I think once school starts (in 9 days, yikes), I’ll be better.

Dad took Becky and I to see “The Mask”– it was pretty funny, and the special effects were great! Dad liked it a lot. After we took Becky home, I watched “Seinfeld.” Then I got to rent “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” and Mom rented “A River Runs Through It.” My parents are being very generous! Dad kept on repeating how silly “Ace” was, but he was laughing, so…

“River” was superb– Brad Pitt is fine! He looks *just* like a young Robert Redford. But the fact is, the movie was so good that I didn’t spend the whole time thinking how cute Brad was– I barely noticed. It was kind of a simple tale of two brothers, but there were deeper, intricate feelings, and the lessons of life. The book that it is based on is autobiographical. Wow– what a life Norman had. I think he grew up to be a very wise man. I hope that’s how I’ll be when I’m old.

Continue reading ‘dear diary pants: “that robot just won’t give up!”’

world’s worst knock knock jokes (and illustrations)

Published by
Sarah
October 29, 2008 in reading rainbow. 9 Comments

so, i stayed home today cos my throat’s been hurting and i want to put a stop to that before halloween.

i’m feeling a bit better now, so that means it was a good decision. well done, me!

anyway, while i was lounging around my house, i decided to go through some old books from my childhood, just cos i love turning the pages and feeling my six, seven, eight year-old self recognize images with the rush of seeing an old friend (hellooo, bookworm!).

everything was all sweet and nostalgic until i came upon this book, copyright 1985, which i had *totally* forgotten about:

i’m pretty sure my parents gave me this book, cos my dad loved to teach me knock knock jokes, esp. when i was v. small and could therefore use my cuteness to compensate for really lame jokes.

once i started flipping through the pages, it all came back. i recalled endlessly repeating several of the jokes, all of which are really terrible and super dated (they weren’t kidding around with that title), so that they barely make sense to me now (i doubt they made sense to me back then, either).

but most of all, i remember the illustrations… specifically, i remembered being REALLY FREAKED OUT BY THEM. i was used to princesses, i was used to cool line drawings, i was even used to wacky, but this? this was the stuff of nightmares for little sarah pants.

as an adult, it’s obvious to me that the artist (erin english) was some tripped out remnant of the psychedelic era who was bitter over the fact that the beatles broke up before she had the chance to design their album cover.

i mean, you guys, look at this.

um, yeah. also, note the jokes… none of which are funny, two of which make references to, like, the 1940s.

and it gets weirder from there…

Continue reading ‘world’s worst knock knock jokes (and illustrations)’

recipe for a really great day

Published by
Sarah
October 28, 2008 in (extra)ordinary. 4 Comments

from the kitchen of posh deluxe

INGREDIENTS:

1/2 cup of super cold morning bike commute, reduced by five minutes through furious pedaling (to stay warm!)

5 teaspoons of a NEW HARRY POTTER TRAILER

2 pieces of halloween candy

3 tablespoons of “pop up videos,” viewed on MTV’s totally comprehensive new music video site (i particularly recommend “father figure”).

4 handfuls of emails from friends

20 pages of the new jancee dunn book

1 heaping cup of VOTING!!! include additional squee of taking freshmen to cast a vote for president for the first time in their lives.

1 starbucks latte, consumed outside while hanging out in gorgeous weather with aforementioned freshmen.

1/3 cup of entries from the fail blog (science fail recommended).

3 halloween treats handcrafted by selina

2 glasses of wine

2 episodes of “friday night lights,” sprinkled with girlie gossip and giggling

COMBINE all ingredients in a fourteen hour period.

MIX while doing a little happy dance.

BON APPÉTIT!

thrilling the pants off of a world record

Published by
Sarah
October 27, 2008 in alamoing, cray and extravaganza. 14 Comments

today i have to give henri major props for pulling of something incredibly amazing, nay, WORLD RECORD BREAKING.

and i know sometimes i say “world record breaking” when i’m exaggerating, but this time, I’M FOR SERIOUS.

on saturday, october 25, 2008, 881 people showed up at the long center in austin, tx to perform the dance from michael jackson’s “thriller.”

look at all of those zombies!!!!!!

and now, watch them all dance! incredible!

to experience the sheer scope of the event, here’s a great bird’s eye view. i totally feel like this is some kind of massive half time show, i.e. if drill teams did this, maybe i would like football more.

you may be wondering, how did 881 people just *happen* to know the dance and come together to perform it?

well, for the last 8 months (maybe longer), henri has been hosting michael jackson sing-alongs and leading hours (HOURS) of dance practice in conjunction with thrill the world, an annual event where people around the world perform the “thriller” dance at the same time.

and this year, austin broke the world record!!!!

obvs i’m biased, but austin’s success is totally due to all of henri’s hard work. and i am so proud (and relieved!!) to see that his efforts paid off! and were documented via several news outlets!

yeah, that is henri, underneath the scary zombie make-up. it was really gross up close, btw.

Continue reading ‘thrilling the pants off of a world record’

NO PANTS

Published by
Sarah
October 24, 2008 in cray. 3 Comments

so, usually i post an interview on fridays, or a guest blogger. but my pantstributor didn’t quite work out for today, so… you guys will have to deal with me. again. and trust me, i don’t feel like dealing with my writing today, either, cos it’s frickin’ friday!

BUT fortunately for all of us, rescue has arrived in the form of an email. and not just any email, mind you, but ONE OF MY FAVORITE EMAILS EVER, OF ALL TIME, IN THE UNIVERSE OF THE INTERNET.

and so it’s kind of like destiny wanted me to share this email with all of you. cos destiny loves funny emails! and that doesn’t count forwards, just to be clear.

so basic in its construction, so simple in its grace, this email requires no explanation, only enjoyment of its perfection. but i will tell you that it’s from a member of our cabin at jordan and juancho’s texas wedding celebration last weekend. that’s really all you need to know.

* * *

subject line: NO PANTS

[ed note: no, i did not make that up. and yes, it was in all caps. because it is the best subject line my inbox has ever seen]

What a weekend!  It seems as though I enjoyed myself so thoroughly that I have returned to Houston without my pants.   Is it possible that any of y’all might have packed them by mistake?  They’re 34×34, Calvin Klein blue jeans.  If not, I’ll just chalk it up as a sacrifice to the wedding celebration.  It was great seeing you all again (as well as meeting some of you for the first time).

Best wishes,

[name withheld to spare any kind of embarrassment, even though there should be no shame, cos this really is one of the greatest emails i have ever received]

* * *

and, as if it could get any better (IMPOSSIBLE), i later received this follow-up email:

* * *

Never mind everyone.  I found them, turns out I didn’t even take them to the ranch.  Sorry about that.

* * *

is there any better note on which to leave you, on a friday?

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, EVERYONE! LOSE YR PANTS!!!!

p.s. since i discovered how much fun “search terms” can be, i’m gonna start including a daily search term (that someone used to reach my blog) at the bottom of each entry.

SEARCH TERM SPOTLIGHT:

diamond lady 2: the business woman

someone please tell me this is a movie.

LINKS

my SNL political dreams came true last night: will ferrell appeared as w. with the mighty miss fey. the only way it could’ve been better is if, somehow, phil hartman and chris farley had been raised from the dead.

the ny times is formally backing obama, which i realize is not a surprise. but still, their articulate reasoning is a nice validation for my future vote.

major kudos to this thoughtful and sweet (pun intended) cakespy essay about letting yrself appreciate foods that might not be good for yr thighs but are most definitely good for yr heart. plus, um, marzipan mini bagels on top of cupcakes?!!! SQUEE!

i’m pretty sure this is the grossest candy i have ever seen. and by gross i mean, ten year old boys are gonna LOVE it.

YOU GUYS!! YOU CAN MAKE YR OWN MUPPET AT FAO SCHWARZ!!!!! best xmas present, ever. and i mean, for me.

has anyone heard of this new series, “kings“? it looks pretty good… and not just cos my favorite disease has been cast.

the great birthday dinner debate

Published by
Sarah
October 23, 2008 in (extra)ordinary, extravaganza and pantship. 17 Comments

in case you missed it, yesterday henri sent me a slate article arguing for the abolishment of “the birthday dinner”:

Seems like a nice idea, the birthday dinner. It is not. It is a tedious, wretched affair. It is also an extravagantly expensive one. In these wintry economic times, we need to scale back. I hereby propose that the birthday dinner go the way of the $4 cup of coffee, the liar’s mortgage, and the midsize banking institution.

if you haven’t read it yet, read it! cos that’s what we’re talking about today, yo! be prepared!

ok, ok, here’s the cliffs notes version for you slackers:

basically, the author points to the hefty bill and awkward seating arrangement as the two main reasons why, from now on, he will decline any and all birthday dinner invitations.

if you do, however, find yrself at a birthday dinner with a big group, he guides you through three possible strategies:

1. sneakily get yr own check.

2. order as cheaply as possible and pray that other people follow yr lead.

3. order as extravagantly as possible cos you know other people will and you’ll end up subsidizing their meal anyway.

obviously, none of these strategies are ideal, which is why he’s decided ix-nay on the birthday dinners.

so, let’s move on to the opinions of pants world. what’s yr take on this issue? is it influencing yr vote in the upcoming election?

i have to say, i found this article to be double true, except for the part about people just splitting the check equally, cos that never happens when you’re in my income bracket.

don’t get me wrong, I LOVE CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS!! i want my friends to feel special and loved!! but i have experienced far too many dinners (not all, obvs, but a lot), much like the example in the article, where i’m miles away from the birthday girl/boy and end up with a totally massive bill because a) it’s a fancy restaurant or b) some people didn’t put enough money down (WORLDWIDE PET PEEVE).

and i think it’s even worse from the birthday pants perspective! if friends are more than one table-length away from you, it’s hard to hold a conversation without being REALLY LOUD. not to mention the *immense* amount of birthday time you waste while waiting for people to figure out the dang check already.

and so i propose that we enter a new rule into ye olde pants world books: NO MORE BIG BIRTHDAY DINNERS.

me and jessica, at the last birthday dinner i will ever have, in 2007. you can tell jessica’s already calculating how much she’ll have to overpay.

i’m kind of in love with this rule, cos it just means we’ll all have to be more creative with our birthdays! and hopefully, it will promote more peace in our society, which is the purpose of laws.

but for real, i’m supporting this proposal precisely *because* i love birthdays so much and want to interact with my friends on their special day (and mine) as much as possible. parties! field days! scavenger hunts! dancing! moonwalks! picnics! the zoo!

who’s with me?!!!

p.s. this post made me realize that i don’t know the other laws of pants world. or if they exist. but never fear, there will be a post about that v. soon…

p.p.s. you guys know i’m turning 30 next year, right? so this post is particularly appropriate cos my celebration is gonna be BIG BUSINESS (and, in case i didn’t just make it clear in this entry, i’m going dinner-less!).

LINKS

WOW. some french kids made a SINGLE SHOT, extremely complicated video to THE ENTIRE THRILLER SONG. a-mazing. and they look like they’re having the best time!!!

jodi sent me this link and asked: “best/worst costume ever?” it’s a little girl dressed up as gallagher, i.e. i’m gonna go with BEST.

according to jon stewart, the palin family is just a bunch of grifters!

screw reese’s peanut butter cups (and you KNOW i don’t say that lightly!!); i want a dean & deluca halloween!

so, is it, like, a hollywood rule that every four years, there has to be a movie about an adult becoming a kid/teen again? case in point: “17 again.” wtf?! at any rate, it’s a good excuse for a funny post on vulture.

whoah, this woman has a rare condition that allows her to write things on her body simply by using her fingernail. this really would’ve come in handy for that memento dude.

architectural optical illusions = my brain just melted.

check out this fascinating list of cemeteries in parking lots.

rollin’ with naomi

Published by
Sarah
October 22, 2008 in squee!. 7 Comments

my squee quota for the year has pretty much been filled, thanks to a monday night with my favorite little lady, naomi! you may remember her as the Guardian of Mac ‘n’ Cheese or from the Mango in the Pool incident.

her parents acted like i was doing them a favor for babysitting her, but nobody was fooled– obvs, *they* were doing *me* the favor.

here’s how we spent our fabulous evening:

1. Gardening

naomi helps out her mom and dad in the backyard all of the time, so she is basically a Professional Gardener at this point. in case you weren’t aware, “gardening” involves lugging a tiny (but heavy) bucket of water across the yard, spilling half of it on the way (well, the grass WAS thirsty) and then carefully pouring it on the same patch of earth, over and over again.

also, it’s important to sing while you’re gardening. the plants like that.

since naomi has an immense amount of experience, i decided to ask her for some gardening tips.


if anyone can understand those tips, please let me know.

Continue reading ‘rollin’ with naomi’

fun with blog stats!

Published by
Sarah
October 21, 2008 in (extra)ordinary. 14 Comments

gang, today we’re going to play with STATISTICS.

wait, wait, keep reading.

ok so i took stat 280 in college and hated. every. second. of. my. wasted. life.

don’t get me wrong, i think statistics are imporant, and i like reading percentages in articles. percentages make me feel like the article is smart, and therefore, i, the reader, am a little smarter as well. BUT when it comes to actually making and analyzing statistics, i prefer to stick with pie charts and venn diagrams.

that is, until blog stats came along. and by that i mean, until matt installed blog stats on ye olde p to the d to the dot com. now i can see how many readers i have! which links people like! and, most importantly, how people find my blog!

you guys, people find my blog in really weird ways. in fact, i’m kind of unnerved. the next time i write a post, i’ll wonder: “what combo of words in this post will turn into something pervy?”

overall, though, it’s really illuminating to see what search terms lead people here. and so, i’d like to invite you to come *behind the scenes* with me as i take a look at the search terms from today and yesterday.

it’s a long list, actually, so i’ve put my faves in bold and added in a few notes here and there. oh and the terms near the top have a number after them, which shows how many people used that search term in one day (the rest are all just “1″s).

looking over this list gives me a little more empathy for the internet and all the crap it has to deal with every day. in other words, i am really glad i’m not the internet.

Today Search Views

slash 4–> dude, my blog is so hardcore WITH THE ROCKING.

poshdeluxe.com 4

poshdeluxe 4

nicholas sparks 3–> ahh!! this is why i STILL get all of those *amazing* fan comments.

kalos kai agathos 3

chicken fight dad 2

Continue reading ‘fun with blog stats!’

jordan & juancho’s texas wedding celebration

Published by
Sarah
October 20, 2008 in extravaganza, tasty business and voyages. 16 Comments

YEE-HAW, YA’LL!

henri and i just experienced the most texas-y weekend ever, thanks to a fabulous celebration of the recent marriage of our friends, jordan and juancho.

to give you a brief rundown, i was jordan’s advisor at will rice for her freshman year, although i knew from the moment i met her that i had nothing to teach this girl, and she had *everything* to teach me. she’s strong, passionate and just absolute DYNAMITE, and i’ve always admired her ability to take risks, such as spontaneously moving to ecuador (where she met juancho, of course!).

jordan’s mom, mrs. vexler, is totally my planner pants idol, which is why i have been SALIVATING in anicipation of this event since i received the (v. classy, super elegant) invitation.

friday night, henri and i drove over to bandera, a small hill country town you may recall from my family reunion. we were staying with most of the “young people” at the twin elm guest ranch, which hosts its v. own rodeo on friday nights!

you guys, I LOVE THE RODEO. maybe it’s cos i grew up going to small rodeos in louisiana and texas, but there’s just something so sweetly simple about sitting on dusty wooden bleachers and watching girls ride horses around barrels while the announcer drawls, “give this girl and her pony a hand, ya’ll!”

it became v. easy to distinguish between people who had grown up with rodeos and people who hadn’t, as some of jordan’s friends complained about “condoning animal cruelty.” to which, in response, i rolled my eyes like a true texan! YESSIR. i know that might seem weird, cos usually i’m one of those “liberal folk” but come on. it’s a rodeo! you can’t have a rodeo without, say, bull riding!

don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that i’m voting republican or anything crazy like that.

Continue reading ‘jordan & juancho’s texas wedding celebration’

 

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