YOU GUYS.
the most horrendous thing happened to me on monday night.
i wasn’t going to write about it, because i try to keep this blog devoid of anything serious or evil, but the memories are HAUNTING ME to the point that i must expel them before i become like that lady in the “yellow wallpaper” story, i.e. CA-RAZY.
so, early monday evening, i got home from the gym, took a shower, then walked into my closet to figure out what to wear. i don’t know about you guys, but every time i walk into my closet, i have to stare at every single item of clothing that i own, as if some new shirt or pair of pants will suddenly materialize that i absolutely HAVE to wear for, you know, a monday night.
anyway, while staring at the “t-shirt” section of my closet, i spied…
GAH i can’t even TYPE THIS.
ok ok ok i saw– I SAW A MASSIVE ROACH. ON MY BLACK SUPER TRACK T-SHIRT.
that is like, my favorite t-shirt, btw. besides the one with the vampiric hamburgers on it.
YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSS AUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
even though i shrieked, i tried to contain my panic while running to the kitchen to grab a can of raid. except HA HA I DON’T HAVE ANY RAID.
i decided that carpet cleaner would be a good substitute (in a crisis, you have to think fast, people), so i ran back to my closet, clutching the spray bottle and grabbing one of my shoes in case i had the chance to smash the roach on the floor. see? not panicking. NOT PANICKING.
the roach was still there, perched on my shirt and taunting me with its nasty, nasty grossness. i could practically hear it whispering, “that’s right, i’m putting my tiny, germ-infested legs and disgusting, shiny shell of a body ALL OVER YR FAVORITE SHIRT! and guess what? i just came from the DUMPSTER! and a big pile of DOG POO! MUHAHAHAHA.”
visualizing angelina jolie in “wanted,” i quickly pulled out the spray bottle and showered the roach with carpet cleaner, drops flying like bullets. NO MERCY, YOU SCUMBUG.
and then the roach…
disappeared into my clothes. IT WENT BACK INTO MY CLOTHES. IT DID NOT FALL ONTO THE FLOOR SO THAT I COULD KILL IT. IT ESCAPED.
this totally never happened to angelina jolie in “wanted.”
i just stood there, staring at the sleeve where it had perched. horror began to engulf me with ice cold flames as the roach’s mad cackling faded into my “tank top” section. who knows what havoc it would wreak? who knows what sorts of germs and plagues it would spread throughout my wardrobe? i pictured it holing up in my delia’s sweater and having babies in the sleeves. ROACH BABIES AUUUGHH.
ok i have to take a break.
whew. thank you, squee.
an hour later, i cautiously peeked into my closet and spied the roach on the sleeve of my one good suit.
i then fled my apartment.
since that night, i haven’t seen the roach, but its evil cackling echoes through my head. whenever i have to go in my closet, i just put one foot in, grab the item i need, give it a good shake, and then quickly walk away. at night, i lay awake, tormented by visions of roach manifest destiny slowly encompassing my entire apartment.
that’s why i had to share this harrowing tale with you guys. i can’t handle this horror alone. and so, by opening up about my experience, i’ve shed light into the darkness of my soul.
and now I’M GOING TO BE A BRAVE GIRL! better yet, i’m going to be a *smart* girl and buy some roach poison thingies at CVS! i think assasin angelina jolie would approve.
thank you, pants world, for sharing my burden. and if you have nightmares about roaches crawling all over you, i am truly sorry. just do what i did and read “cute overload” all day. oh and sleep with every inch of yr body covered by a sheet. everyone knows roach germs can’t breach a thin, cotton sheet.
LINKS
BEST NEWS EVER! ryan gosling and rachel mcadams are back together!! and all is now right in the world.
second best news of the day: seth green (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and breckin meyer are gonna be on “heroes”! dude, i really hope they perform a dujour single (thanks, meredith, for the link).
dude, i got a huge kick out of this story about kurt cobain hating on axl rose. i’m assuming, though, that he loved slash. cos who doesn’t love slash?
a veronica mars movie? really, rob thomas? sigh
noooo goooood. i am getting goosebumps just reading your blog and remembering how you thought HE CRAWLED ON YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!! it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard no!!!!!
A cockroach once flew out of my sock and up my arm.
It gets better than that though. My friend Ben was in Hong Kong, and one night he wakes up and his hear feels all blocked up. He’d had problems with ear infections and stuff, so he was all ‘this is fantastic, more pain’. He gets up, goes to the bathroom, turns on the light and whoosh! his ear is fine.
Because the cockroach had flown OUT OF HIS EAR!!! And was flying around the bathroom. Awesome, no?
I once killed a really large cockroach on my….wait for it….
forehead.
That’s right, on my forehead.
eden is fearless when it comes to most things…except for roaches. even talking about roaches gives her the chills. she could not watch the scene in enchanted where the mice and roaches help amy adams get dressed.
As we speak there is a cockroach dying, please god be dying, in my bathtub. I had to do the same thing. I had no Raid and resorted to the foaming 409 carpet cleaner!
Roaches disgust me.
Didn’t Mythbusters do an episode on whether or not cockroaches would survive a nuclear blast? If I remember correctly the answer was no, they wouldn’t. At least you can take comfort in that.
This reminds of the time I got out of the shower and dried off only to discover a scorpion hiding under the towel. I can still remember it’s pinchers poking out of the towel and now every time I use a towel I shake it like someone misusing a polaroid picture.
Oh and that little bugger got me in the shoulder. I hate scorpions.
umm, I really hate this story.
this might be the only negative thing about moving to Austin… heh. My only traumatic insect story had more to do with wasps. My dad and I delivered the local paper for a while during one junior high summer. It was an annoying job because you had to hit pretty much everywhere in the small town I grew up in. Anyway, one day we were out distributing the paper and I jammed a paper and my hand into a newspaper box. What I didn’t see was that there was a big wasps nest in the back of the box. By the time I started to pull my hand out I had seven or eight wasp stings all over my hand and arm.
Gross, I’m never staying at your roach-infested house again. Just kidding. I just won’t be sleeping in your closet again.
My roach story is a follows: one day my dad was cleaning out the gutters with his hands (pulling out leaves and throwing them on the ground) instead of using a hose. I was somewhere close to where he was doing the cleaning. When throwing out a particularly large wad of leaves, a huge wood roach took flight towards me. I ran because I was 8 but I think I would still run today. This thing was about 4 inches long and it flew. It was so big that it made noise when it flew.
you guys, this comment thread got way out of hand. WAAAAY OUT OF HAND. roaches on foreheads? scorpions on towels?
HELLO NIGHT TERRORS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Hmm, this is like some weird variation on The Metamorophosis. And just as disturbing. Also, since some of you attended my wedding, does anyone remember the part where I agreed to hunt down and kill all the roaches in our house? Yeah, I don’t remember that clause either …