dear peanut butter,
hi! how are you? feeling a little nutty? HA HA HA. anyway.
i just wanted you to know, in case i haven’t previously made it clear, that i love you.
and i’m SURE you get this kind of mail every day, probably by the bagful. but please believe me when i say that i’m not just head over heels for you, i’m head over the MOON in heels for you. in fact, i wish the moon was *made* of you and not just lame-o stinky cheese. then, every night, i could look up at the sky and gaze at yr shining, gooey visage while offering up worshipful prayers of NOM.
since i enjoy yr deliciousness every day, i didn’t want you to think that i take you for granted. FAR FROM IT!!!! i feel lucky, HONORED even, to be able to taste yr creamy goodness every single day.
not only are you remarkably consistent in yr yumminess, you’re also extremely compatible with all KINDS of other foods. i don’t know *anyone* who manages to compliment their friends as well as you do. i mean, you even make celery look good (sorry, celery, but you know you’re kinda drab). and when you get together with chocolate, well… i don’t want to get indecent here but FIREWORKS!!!! i truly hope that you guys will always keep that passion alive, cos a love like that only happens once in a lifetime!
given yr perfection, i hope you will allow me to make one tiny yet bold request. is there any way, any way AT ALL, that you could lose some calories? look, look, i’m not calling you fat or anything, it’s just that… well, you’re packing a lot of junk, and i can’t fit it all in my trunk!
i really hope that you’re not offended. trust me when i say that a LOT of foods have the same problem you do, and most of them are the rock stars of my culinary world– fried cheese sticks, do-nut holes, queso, etc. you guys just have a lot of love to give, you know? and i’m thinking that maybe that love doesn’t need to contain, oh, 80% of my daily saturated fat.
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