Poshdeluxe

last night, i did something i haven’t done in a v. v. long time.

i went over to my nightstand and pulled out a few of my old journals, which were slightly dusty. and then, i actually OPENED them and started reading, flipping through pages filled with penciled scrawl.

what i found within those pages is kind of horrifying and hilarious at the same time, particularly during the 1993-94 era. it turns out that i was quite a meticulous autobiographer, painting vivid pictures of snobby girls and aloof boys and impossible tests and giggle infested sleepovers. i can’t BELIEVE some of the things i wrote down, and yet… i can. because, funnily enough, i am still that same person, the girl who agonized over her geometry homework and who she would see at the school dance. although i like to think i have improved in certain areas, particularly in being able to actually *speak* to boys now.

this journey through (a v. awkward) time inspired me to start a new little series on this blog, “dear diary pants.” basically, i will share with you a particularly, uh, entertaining entry from one of my old journals, prefaced with a summary of what you are about to discover about the adolescent posh deluxe. i will also try to include a photo taken around the time of the entry, just to give you some context.

hopefully, my teenage angst and embarrassment will amuse you. because it *certainly* amuses me.

the following entry is from february 2, 1993.

in this entry, you will learn the following about 13 year old posh deluxe:

1. she is v. paranoid about someone reading her journal.

2. she believes that abbreviating names will help to maintain her secrecy, even though all it really does is confuse the older version of herself, who cannot for the life of her remember who most of these people are.

3. she does not know how to talk to boys, at all.

4. even though she really WANTS to talk to boys, she still doesn’t want a boyfriend. she thinks.

5. she is really, really confused.

ok, so i’m not in this picture, but my friends are: talena, becky and randy. and i’m already embarrassing myself enough, right? right. you can send hate mail to jennifer for furnishing me with this gem.

I am in a very personal mood. If anyone is reading this, STOP RIGHT NOW! This is very personal! If you don’t stop reading, I’ll kick your butt! (ok, I’ll get Aaron B. to kick your butt).

The subject for today is: guys. Yes folks, boys, men (ha!) at our school.

I will also talk about my dreams! Not the ones I have while I am sleeping, but the ones I think about, my wishes. I wish I had a magic wishing well, all to my own, and whenever I threw a penny in and wished, it would come true. Man, I have so many wishes that, after a year, that thing woudl be holding about one thousand pennies. I wouldn’t want a Genie, cause usually they limit your wishes. Heck, if I ever get a chace for things to come true, I’m going all the way! (and I don’t mean that, you sick person).

Anyway, back to my original 2 subjects. Do you know, dearest journal, that I have never gone out with a single guy! Yes, it’s true, but it’s probably my fault. I never went to “The School of Flirting” like Emily C. or Melissa L. That’s probably why I’m so jealous of them both! They know how to do everything right, and I can never think of anything to say around a guy. I’m always funny and wacko around my friends, but when I’m around guys, it’s totally different. Well, there are a few exceptions– Seth and Navid, for instance [ed. note: both of those guys turned out to be gay. HOW IRONIC]. I think the reason I’m so comfortable around them is that they speak first. I don’t have to get them to try to notice me. They already talk to me. With, ahem, Mr. “T” and, like, Mr. “A” [ed. note: i have no idea who that was] I have to really show them that I am alive and can hold a conversation. With some, it is halfway, such as Mr. “J.” I guess that’s because he got to know me, so I’m a little more comfortable. It’s so discouraging, sometimes I feel like I’m getting better at befriending guys, but I’m still- just- I don’t know! And then there’s Mr. “Q” who thinks I like him, cuz I’m always talking to him! He’s really nice and funny, but now I can’t talk to him freely because he’s suspicious.

And then, when I actually like a guy, and he, maybe, likes me (I think), it’s too late! He likes somebody else! That just happened to me! It is so agonizing! I thought I had a dance partner secured for the “Valentine’s Dance” and now he’s about to go out with one of my friends. And then I think about the people I know that are always sitting with guys and stuff, and I can’t figure out why! They have noooo personality, or wit, or whatever. But then, maybe guys don’t think I do, either, because I don’t show it.

I feel hurt inside about what just happened. I know I shouldn’t. I guess I felt that he was mine to keep, kinda, and nobody else would enter [ed note: ?] but ain’t that stupid!

Of course, actually, I don’t think I’d want to go out with a guy yet. I’d be tooooo embarrassed. Now, that’s kind of an oxymoron! Here I am, talking about how I want to become better friends with guys and stuff, and then I say I wouldn’t want to go out with one anyway! Geez, am I confused.

Well, it has helped to write things down! And maybe, I’ve learned some from this too!

Farewell,

Sarah!

Hey, maybe I’ll start putting an exclamation mark there.

LINKS

OMGGGGG!!!! teaser trailer for TERMINATOR 4!!!!!!!! whew, now i’ll have something to look forward to after i finally see batman tomorrow.

even though estelle is still my main summer jam, i am LOVING this new COLOURS video, feat. bently, kanye and andre 3000.

balloon graffiti? oh heck yes. you MUST check out these photos.

jezebel compiled a great hollywood casting list for female advertising icons. and, to be honest, i wouldn’t be surprised to find rihanna on a can of morton’s salt.

sadie is REALLY excited about this new website that tells her (and me) exactly when the bus is coming!! finally! technology that is actually USEFUL!

wow, these beach houses are amazing. but you know, i’ll take any house on a beach, no matter how fugly it is. cos i’m humble like that.

speaking of cool houses, jancee dunn just wrote an article for the NYT about a totally charming little house in brooklyn WHERE I WANT TO LIVE THANK YOU.

talena sent me this article about a kid who protects his neighborhood from speeders by donning an orange vest and using a radar gun. i’m sorry, but that kid is totally gonna get the pee knocked out of him in high school.