Poshdeluxe

as you all know, i love summer.

and it’s not a true summer unless you’ve hit up the schlitterbahn, the best water park in the entire frickin’ world.

i’ve been going to the schlitterbahn since i was an EXTREMELY EXCITED little girl slathered in snotty bull frog sunscreen with neon orange floaties attached to my arms. so today, i have decided to share with you all of the ancient wisdom i have gained, with the hope that it will benefit you on a future visit to this magical, amazing place of water enchantment.

because, if you know how to do it right, the schlitterbahn can change yr life.

1. get a big group of people and rent a house nearby

for the past two years, i’ve rented a house in gruene and packed in as many members of pants world as possible. there are two main benefits to this plan: 1) the close proximity to the park means that you can be there at the crack of dawn when the gates open (v. v. important!!!!). 2) it’s like a one weekend version of “the real world” except with people that you really, really like.

2. eat dinner at the gristmill

i’ve written about this incredible establishment of tasty business before, but let me reiterate: if you are within 100 miles of the gristmill, you must eat there. it’s the law.

it is not, however, required that you dress up like twinsies.

don’t be put off by the large crowds of people waiting for tables. think of this as “texas atmosphere” and just order yrself a margarita.

once seated, allow yr friends to entertain you so that, if the food takes a while, it doesn’t matter. for example, yr friend meredith might put on the ridiculous gold chain that yr boyfriend wears and act like a hardcore gangsta.

and then yr friend ray might do the same.

and then you can look around the table and get a warm feeling inside, not only cos yr tummy is about to be really happy but also cos YOU LOVE YR FRIENDS!!!

and when the food arrives, ENJOY THE PANTS OUT OF IT. you might not even need a fork.

it’s also fun to bring someone from another country, cos then you can be all, “this is real TEXAS food, john!” and “isn’t the chicken fried steak amazing?!! i bet they don’t have this in ireland, boy howdy!”

3. bring fun games to play at the house

games like “catch phrase” not only strengthen yr mind, they also bring you a little bit closer to yr loved ones.

for example, during one particular round, i was forced to read ray’s mind in order to discover the answer to why he was posing like this.

you don’t have to read juliet and ray’s minds to know why they are posing like this: cos it’s awesome.

4. get plenty of sleep the night before so you can wake up bright and early for the schlitterbahn!

look at john! he got a whopping 5 hours of sleep and looks as chipper as chip!

mandy is REARING to go!

5. get there early so you can score a pinic table with a scenic view.

sometimes you might have to be really bossy to get everyone out of the house by 9:15 AM, but don’t worry, everyone will thank you later.

6. standing in line can be just as fun as the ride itself

the schlitterbahn is crowded, which means you’ll spend much of the day waiting in a line. but, if you have excellent conversation partners who can tell you stories about, say, the time they saw someone die on the highway, the time will fly by. trust me.

7. TUBE YR PANTS OFF

i mean that figuratively, although i think henri took it in the more literal sense.

YOU GUYS IT IS SO EASY TO HAVE FUN HERE!!!! LOOK AT MEREDITH!!

8. watch out for bodily injuries

the rides at the schlitterbahn can actually get a little crazy at times, so while you’re having fun, watch out for yr head/legs/arms/extremities. poor amber experienced a head collision with ray on “the cliffhanger,” and while she looked adorable afterwards, it was NOT FUN. and you do NOT want to not have fun at the schlit.

9. KEEP TUBING YR PANTS OFF

don’t stop!!!!!!

10. return to the table for periodic refreshment

in order to make it through a whole day, you will definitely need to stop for food, beverages and the occasional nap, as illustrated by mandy.

11. take the tram to the other section of the park

that’s right, the schlitterbahn is so massive, there are THREE DIFFERENT SECTIONS. but don’t worry, you can easily take a tram to cross over. it’s even more fun if you have a tram buddy!

12. ride the “lazy” river!!!!

the lazy river in the newest section of the park isn’t exactly “lazy.” it’s more like a fast moving current with lots of HUGE WAVES and a TON of people. it is pretty much my favorite way to hang out in water, ever.

13. ride the lazy river again!

don’t worry, you will want to.

14. make the traditional schlitter “o” face while riding the lazy river

again, this will come naturally. don’t worry.

15. surprise someone by showing up in their tube

people LOVE to share their one person tube. just ask juliet.

16. if you want to avoid the lines, just walk past people like you know what you’re doing.

while waiting in line for “the master blaster,” henri, erica and i noticed a girl slowly making her way through the long, snaking line. we all assumed she was trying to find her friend, but then we eventually realized that, no, she had just bypassed the entire line and gotten on the ride. and NO ONE STOPPED HER. of course, this might have had something to do with that fact that she was mentally handicapped. so, yeah.

17. if you find a waterproof disposable camera in the ladies bathroom, return it to the lost and found and feel good about yrself for the rest of the day!

i didn’t know about this rule until last weekend, when i lost my camera for approximately seven panic-inducing minutes. thankfully, a good samaritan actually TURNED IT IN, but not before leaving me with this little “hello!”

dear blonde friend of the good samaritan: even though i don’t know you, i think yr friend is awesome for turning in my camera, and even more awesome for taking a picture with it before doing so.

wait what number am i on

right right!

18. RIDE THE LAZY RIVER AGAIN

obviously, you should go on other rides too (the “master blaster” is amazing, and even though “dragon’s revenge” is super cheesy, you get to tube through a DRAGON’S FACE!!!!), but the lazy river will never cease to be fun, especially cos there’s no line!!!

19. keep yrself energized with classy energy drinks

this year, henri discovered a new source of HARDCORE EXTREME ENERGY: hooters!

thank you, meredith, for pointing out where the boobs are on the can. much appreciated.

20. REPEAT.

after enjoying a full, exhausting day at the schlitterbahn, there may be nothing more that you want to do than go home and fall into bed. well, that’s where you’re WRONG! what you REALLY want to do is spend a second day at the schlitterbahn. trust me. cos two amazing days are WAY better than one.

21. buy another disposable camera to cover yr second day.

otherwise, yr blog entry about the schlitterbahn will end really abruptly.

LINKS

OMGG! one of my fave YA books, “angus, thongs and full frontal snogging” is coming out as a movie!! and directed by the lady from “bend it like beckham”!!!!

the new “office” spinoff just got BETTER– apparently amy poehler is joining the cast, and the only female writer from the daily show is on board!

henri sent me this fascinating exploration of what happens when you model for a stock photo. answer? yr face ends up EVERYWHERE.