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And I do plan on doing some education-related work from home, courtesy of my friend Megan who is a curriculum developer for a homeschooling organization, once things settle down with the baby. Hopefully I can earn enough for us to afford me starting to take flamenco lessons again in a year or two.

I think in a society sense, that the problem is that there aren’t a lot of part-time choices. Usually the question is stay at home or work — meaning fulltime. If as a society we valued balance and both partners participating, then we might not feel such a distinct choice between the two. And if dads were encouraged the same way, it would take the pressure off of one person. My husband took a month off after my maternity leave from my then-fulltime job, and it was so cool for him to have that time to know her that way. But people saying he was mr mom for a month drove me crazy! He is Dad. Period.

Thanks for the conversation! It really validates how complicated the decision is, all the factors that play into it.

When I had Arden in April of ’05, I had no idea what I was going to want to do re: working, but I knew I had to finish my PhD or I was going to be super mad at myself–I was *so close.* When she was 4 months old I went back to work at UT’s Writing Center part time–it was a 20 hour a week job, but I only had to be on campus about 10-12 hours a week and did the rest at home via email. Owen’s work (writing, comedy, etc) means that he has a flexible schedule, and so we did a lot of passing Arden back and forth for that first year. It worked well for us, and both of us got heavy one-on-one time, which was great.

At the end of the academic year, I had successfully defended my dissertation, and decided that I didn’t want to keep going on at the Writing Center (there were insurance issues involved too, as I’d no longer be a student, and my benefits were going to take such a hit that I’d basically be working solely to pay for insurance. Thanks, America!). So, when Arden was 14 mo. old I stopped working. I was doing some volunteer work as a breastfeeding educator, and then I worked a bit over the next year as a doula, supporting women in childbirth. But I was ready to take a step back from work and not fill my plate much. From when she was 14 months to 2.5 I was mostly a stay-at-home mama, with some occasional small projects thrown in.

I thought it was going to be what I wanted, that I was finally going to feel like I was truly perfectly happy…but I found myself feeling restless and feeling like I was losing touch with some key aspects of myself…and I felt really torn about what to do about it. Then my “dream job” came up at another university in town. I debated whether or not to apply for it, and finally decided to take the plunge…and got the job. The job market for academic jobs is SLOW–the job was posted in October, I interviewed and was hired in March, and started in late August, when Arden was almost 2 1/2. Over that year I talked myself in circles about this major transition back to work, to a full-time assistant professor job that was going to be super intense but also focused on teaching the kinds of classes I really enjoyed teaching. By the time the year was starting, I had Arden enrolled at the preschool I fell in love with, and I was nearly ready emotionally to start.

This past year was good but hard for me–the first semester was intense and nonstop, as I worried it would be. For a while, my gauge of a “good week” was whether or not I cried on Wednesday night (the crucial midpoint of my week…). Usually I cried. But Arden’s preschool was even more dreamy than I had hoped, and her two teachers became quickly like other parents in all the ideal ways–she loves them, we love them, they love her and us, the whole “it takes a village” thing really coming true. And I was mostly able to schedule all my work between her hours at school (9-2), which meant that she and I got at least 7-8 hours of playtime a day, between early mornings, afternoons, and nights. (Yes, parenting is a whole other full time job. Or perhaps two full time jobs. We can go there another day. It never ends, and no one ever really gets a break).

Then I got pregnant again (surprise!) right at the end of the fall semester, and the spring was hard just because working while I’m pregnant is just hard.

But a lucky thing has happened–this pregnancy forced me to sit back and think about how things were going and what I wanted to be doing, as opposed to what I “should” be doing in my job. And what I realized is that at least for the next bit of time, working part time rather than full time is what feels right for me–getting the time to be academic-jodi but also getting as much time as I want to be mama-jodi and having a bit of time in there to be staring-at-the-wall-in-silence-jodi …working part time, for me, is “having it all.” I’m due with babe #2 at the end of August, and I’m taking the fall semester off. Then I’m returning at half-time in the spring, and I’m considering asking to continue that way indefinitely, until I feel ready to really plunge back in to the full time schedule. Thankfully, I don’t have to decide for a while, and will take much time to check in with myself and see how things are going.

This was super long. Guess I have many thoughts on the subject. My conclusion, though, is that you don’t have to “decide” in advance what you’re going to do re: work and kids–and being open to frequently reevaluating your work-home balance to find what’s right for you and your kiddos at each step along the way is probably what’ll work the best, although it does leave things often unsettled (especially financially). Because you might find yourself surprised by what works and doesn’t work for you when you’re actually in the thick of the world of babies and kiddoes. And mostly? Just not judging yourself if you find yourself needing something other than what you expected. Parenting is surprising. Kids benefit most (in my opinion) from having parents who are figuring out what everyone needs, and how to most harmoniously balance the family in a way that makes everyone feel nurtured, supported, and satisfied.

And kids are awesome. And exhausting.

Love you,
Jodi

for me, i think it’s all about identity, which many people have pointed out. whenever i have kids, i want them to know (as well as my future husband) that while i’m a mom, i’m still a sarah, too, whether or not i work outside of the home. and that’s not about being selfish, it’s about being true to yrself as a whole person.

Society’s never going to come around, though, only because “society” is the group of people who are running the media and offices, and those people don’t have time to have their kids with them every second of the day. I don’t think society looks down on the people who stay at home with their kids, it just can’t easily relate to them. And so the stay at home parents have their own mini-society, I’m sure, as does every subculture.

And maybe that’s the best way to look at it – it’s just another subculture, no better or worse than any other. Choosing to raise your kid by being next to them every second of every day will result in a healthy, balanced child. Choosing to make them your number one priority but still focusing on your job and not letting your own identity fall to the wayside will also result in a healthy, balanced child, just a different one (as Sarah says about how her life might not be way worse if her mom hadn’t chose staying at home).

There are strengths and weaknesses to each decision, but as long as you don’t lose your identity if you stay home or neglect your child if you keep working, everything will be good.

But I also agree with you, Olivia, on the becoming super rich thing first. Then you can have nannies, too!

i already do not remember most of those- nor do i care.

but i was the first to hold my boy when he was born- i have tickled him every single day of his life- i sang and rocked him, putting him to sleep those early days when renee was tired tired- i saw him lift his head up for the first time- i was there for his first first steps- i know his first words- i know what toys he loves and WHY- i understand the context of his vocabulary-

i KNOW my son. i –really know him– and he really knows me

soon i will have to get a real job and

i might not be around for our afternoon naps…

now, THAT is scary.

hi sarah! (miss you)