i remember the first time i encountered the idea of a big shot professional working mama. her name was j.c. wiatt, and she was a high powered new york business woman until one day, she received an inheritance… in the form of a baby.
yeah, that’s right, i’m talking about “baby boom.”
i remember LOVING this movie as a kid, cos it featured glitzy new york city and a cute baby and homemade apple sauce which looked DIVINE. at the time, i thought it was perfectly natural that a woman would give up her uber powerful corporate job and retire to a quiet town in vermont to raise her kid and make applesauce.
i mean, obviously, right?
now, of course, i can’t help but wonder if j.c. ever got bored with small town life. what if she missed having an assistant bring her coffee? or making decisions that actually affected more than, say, two people? or walking into a room and having people see her as “that big shot CEO lady” or even just “j.c.” as opposed to “mom”?
jezebel posted two separate entries related to this topic today, one about how difficult it is for moms to juggle jobs and kids (file that under Big Duh Science) and the other about a new policy in britain that gives more maternity leave to mothers but reinforces the idea that women should always be the primary caregiver. uh, i’m guessing “baby boom” made more of a splash in the UK than “mr. mom.”
given the current state of the economy, it seems more and more likely that both parents will have to continue working after they start a family. oh, and don’t even get me started on maternity (or paternity) leave.
it makes me wonder about how i will feel, whenever i have kids (which is far, far into the distant future, let me assure you, unless i randomly inherit a baby like j.c.). what sort of choices will i have? what if i want to stay home but can’t afford it? what if i stay home and suddenly feel, well, like i’m suffocating, because i’ve lost a v. real part of my identity?
when i look back on my childhood, i know i was extremely fortunate to have a mother that was able to hang out with me, 24/7. sure, she took me to mother’s day out for a break now and then, but for the most part, mom was always there, whether i needed a PB & honey sandwich or a narrator for the 367th reading of “blueberries for sal.”
would my childhood have been different if my mom had worked? of course. would it have been worse? i doubt it, considering that my parents are both so amazing.
but would it have been harder on them? certainly. did my mom ever regret staying at home rather than pursuing a career? i don’t think so.
these are all questions that people, parents, have to answer for themselves… then again, financially, sometimes they only have one option.
since i was never a “latch key” kid, i harbor a real curiosity about how parents who both work make time to give their children the love and education they need. i know it’s certainly, definitely possible, but i want to know *how* you do it… without retiring and making gourmet apple sauce for a living.
so, pants world: what do you think is necessary to create a positive and nurturing environment for kids? what lessons did you learn from yr parents, especially with regards to balance?
and, for those of you with kids… or about to have a little one… how did you make these choices, about working or staying home?
of course, if j.c. wiatt was transplanted to 2008, she’d probably just hire four nannies, throw in an adopted kid from a third world country and call it a day.
LINKS
weburbanist is gonna do an eight part series on bansky. and i am v. glad.
the new italian vogue, featuring all black models, is totally awesome. so, tell me, fashion world, why don’t i see any of these fine ladies on the runway?
BWE compiled a list of movies that made more money on their opening weekend than eddie murphy’s latest disaster, “meet dave.” and WOW, “baby geniuses”? really? ok, that’s just sad.
now, the bellas and edwards of the world can find love online thanks to lovebitten.net. you better believe i’m gonna start trolling for spike… (thanks matt for the link).
apparently, it’s now a big trend to take children’s drawings and try to recreate them. so far, though, this guy is my favorite. maybe it’s because i soooo drew that pink princess room. plus, i love the recreation of a child’s perception of tables…
have you guys heard of this blind 5 year-old girl who is, like, a mini mozart? wow.
check out this PB&J mechanical munchie machine!!! uh, can i get a mac & cheese munchie machine? what about one for sweet potato fries? (thanks to moody for the link).
do you guys know what a beguine is? i didn’t, until i read this fascinating article in the times travel section.
jezebel has a clip from one of the greatest eps of “intervention” ever. and by greatest, i mean the best possible marriage of hilarious and depressing.
Since Craig and I certainly see kids in our future (not now, I promise), I’ve actually given this some thought. It seems like every big change in my life has brought about some identity change - graduation, air force, separation from the military, marriage…you get the point. I’m certain kids will change the identity once again. While staying home/not staying home is up to each person and circumstance, I do hope that I can stay home with my kids…at least until grade school. My mom raised three kids at home until we were all in school and then came the oops my parents named Katie. With four kids and a 25% pay cut the same year Katie was born, my mom HAD to work. It hurt her to not stay home and not be Katie’s primary caregiver. My parents never lived lavishly - we had old cars, didn’t run the AC in the summer, and vacations were out of the question - and my mom still had to work. At the age of 5, Katie asked my mom if she would stay home with her when she got back from kindergarten. She did. To make extra money, my mom cleaned houses in the mornings and stayed home with Katie in the afternoons. Three kids raised with a stay-at-home mom and one raised in another person’s home (during the day). We all turned out very differently and I don’t think Katie has suffered in the slightest. She’s bright, talented and loved just the same.
I do hope that Craig and I can swing the one income thing, but if we can’t, it’ll be OK.
I was a latch key kid. To be honest I can’t imagine having had my parents there. I think I’m very independent and self sufficient (and apparently redundant) because of it. I wouldn’t change anything about how I grew up but there are weird repercussions from the way I was raised. For instance, a lot of people try to show their love by giving gifts but I don’t like that. Sure, I like presents, but not a substitute or sole expression of love. I don’t want gifts as a substitute for time. Also, although I think a lot of people assume that because of my fierce independence and strong will I’d be a career person, I really want to stay at home when I have children, until grade school, like Jen said. That’s another reason I’ve stuck with teaching is because it’s the perfect schedule for kids once they’re in school too.
Wow. I’ve vented.
Jennifer and I have always had this crazy thing where our families are mad similar, both of them having an oops 11 years after us.
I’ve asked my mom about this too since she had 4 kids and they bought a 4 bedroom, later 5, house and she stayed at home while my dad worked. What I didn’t remember was that for a long time we only had one car. When we were in elementary school my mom sometimes worked as a substitute lunch lady since it was while we were at school. We always took camping vacations and rarely stayed in hotels. My mom didn’t go back to school and start working until Sarah was in elementary school, and now with Mason, my mom works full time so Mason is in day care. Honestly, I think that Mason has more fun at his school then he would staying at home all day.
The part that I worry about is birth- kindergarten. We would not be able to live on one salary (damn BU) but then day care would take a big chunk out too… so no kids, just a ready to go 5 year old next summer.
I’m constantly amazed by my friend Leigh Ann who quit teaching and is going to stay home with her baby and help her husband with his karate school. She has more guts than me.
And I will fully admit that I am still to selfish to have kids right now.
i have a lot of issues with this, and i know a lot of them are based on what “society” tells me (which is bad) but also on what i value in myself (maybe better). it could mean i’m not ready to have kids. which is convenient because i don’t want them (at least right now, and reserve the right to change my mind in the future etc.). i hope these won’t be viewed as offensive to people who have already posted, as i don’t mean them to be, but when i think about this, this is what i think:
i don’t want to be the one staying at home alone with my kids. there are several reasons with this, and several reasons i think the presumption that women stay home is flawed. as background: my mom stayed home with me and my two brothers, but somewhere in there my dad started a ph.d. and for money, my mom had to work full-time when my sister was young. but because my dad was doing a ph.d., he was around a lot and we could see him during the day or after school, etc., and honestly, he’s a lot better at handling child-related stress than my mom is. having 4 kids was way too hard for my mom, and we were often terrified of being alone with her if my dad went out of town etc. this same stress factor, however, obviously also makes her less of a good candidate for, say, high-paying, high-stress jobs (read: being the sole income-earner). but also around this time, when my sister was young, we had moved to live only a few blocks away from my aunt, who was unmarried and had no children, and she could take my sister’s lunch to her at school if she forgot, etc. it was great.
now the reasons i don’t want to be the person who stays home for 5-10 years to take care of my kids (honestly, if you have more than 1 kid, 10 years is pretty realistic):
1. i like being in relationships where my intellect, career drive, ambition and achievement is valued. whatever may change and whatever value may be placed on child-rearing, it is fundamentally different, and really would fundamentally differentiate me from my partner in a way i see very evident amongst two of my colleagues, both male, who have stay-at-home wives. they don’t relate to those wives on an intellectual level anymore, and those wives are extremely demanding about their time, etc., and even though they were originally together because of being intellectually in sync, and the men are liberal and cool and not theoretically sexist, now they have this entirely stereotypical relationship with their partners. and their partners feel uncomfortable hanging out with coworkers because they don’t work and don’t read and so on.
2. i know it’s cliche but i still feel that society hasn’t moved on to value child-rearing as much as it should, as evidenced by the fact that men, who are still kind of in charge of the society, don’t do it. i know there are things like breast-feeding that make it obvious a woman should be involved, but you don’t breast-feed that long (maternity leave in the UK is better), and yet v v v few men will even think about staying home with the kids. and somehow that’s fine; i tend to think that’s because society doesn’t value the job that much, or women’s intellecutal abilities that much, so they think that fits well together. i’m still heavily influenced by this internalized socialization and not sure how to overcome the feeling that society views this task as inferior.
3. maybe i’m not good at raising children; i’m definitely not good at hanging out at home all day.
on the other hand, i think it is absolutely essential to raise children with parents who are there, and responsive, and present and emotionally available, etc. i do actually think it is one of the more socially important jobs, even if society doesn’t recognize that.
so my solution is: if i have kids, my partner and i will be really rich and also have flexible jobs so that we can share the duties equally, etc. in addition, i think it’s a bit much for any 2-person team, and there should be a whole community to raise children together and they should all be open-minded and diverse and intellectual and caring.
like, you know, a utopia. anyway i know i’m being both unrealistic and unnecessarily harsh, but i’m obviously still working through this stuff, so please excuse any harsh comments. i think the most important thing is to really think about what it will mean for you and your partner and how much you’ll give up, and how much you’ll gain (both immeasurable of course). but i think having honest discussions about it is good. thanks, sarah!
as a dude, i have to say that this is not really my problem. just kidding. eden would destroy me if i said that to her. she has devoted a fair amount of her research time to this question. what amazes me are the residents i work with who have families. when i’m home from work, i’m ready for some “me” time. but when they go home from work, their second job is just beginning.
am thinking about what i wrote, and if we were talking you’d know i don’t mean to sound scary, but in writing, it isn’t sounding v compassionate:
basically, i don’t know how to balance this career and family thing, and to me both are important, and i’m assuming i can’t have all of both, so i am trying to figure out how to get the most. but the fact i can’t have everything scares me, and makes me take a hard line, at least for now because i am not really at a place where i’m making these decisions.
Winston insisted that I check out the blog today. My research generally focuses on the issue from the other side- what do employers think of parenthood and how can they help employees balance work and family. For whatever it is worth, most of the research suggests that if the parents are happy doing what they are doing (whether it is working or staying at home or some combination), the kid will be pretty happy, too.
I have a good friend who has been a stay-at-home dad for the past seven years and he has loved it. He recently started working part-time, but in a manner that allows him to be home when his kids are home. I think society still holds large biases against men staying home and my friend resents the term “Mr. Mom” as it suggests that he’s fulfilling a purely maternal role.
In my years of student ministry, I’ve seen plenty of kids whose mother stays at home turn out pretty rotten and I’ve seen some kids who live in a single-parent, working-all-the-time homes turn out really well. I personally believe that much of this success, or lack thereof, depends on how much love is poured into the child along with reinforcement of positive values. I think a child needs to hear that they are important, loved, and beautiful. That sounds cheesy as I write it, but I think it is reality. The good about this concept is that value doesn’t have to be something that is inculcated all day and can be handled by one person with a full-time job, if necessary.
I think Winston’s comment about “me” time rings true and extends to all of us, at some level. It seems that most parents in our society seem to just put themselves aside, but plenty of parents seemingly remain selfish after having children and do nothing to spend time with their kids claiming that they need their own time, too.
I suppose I’m no expert. There are no children where I live. Maybe we’ll start a family soon, but whether we both work full-time or we miraculously pull off a one-income situation, our child(ren) will know, with all that they are, that they are deeply loved and valued.
At the end of the day, it’s an economics problem known as opportunity cost. If on average in our society dad earns $50 an hour at his job and mom earns $25, then each child rearing couple will make the decision that the cost of mom quitting her job to raise the kid(s) is less than the cost of dad quitting his. As the income gap between men and women narrows, the decision gets harder and more subjective. And I think, given that there are more women than men in almost every grad program in the country now (including medicine and law), you’re going to see women on the whole outearning men, probably in Gen Y.
That’s when things get tricky. New Dad can’t say to New Mom “well, I earn more than you, so it would cost the family too much for me to quit my job or go part time to raise the kid” when Mom is the corporate attorney and dad is not. Gender roles, societal influence, etc will all be in play.
i cannot imagine feeling regret of having missed some seminars, lab meetings or rescheduling lab experiments or that it took me 6 months longer to finish my degree… etc.
i already do not remember most of those- nor do i care.
but i was the first to hold my boy when he was born- i have tickled him every single day of his life- i sang and rocked him, putting him to sleep those early days when renee was tired tired- i saw him lift his head up for the first time- i was there for his first first steps- i know his first words- i know what toys he loves and WHY- i understand the context of his vocabulary-
i KNOW my son. i –really know him– and he really knows me
soon i will have to get a real job and
i might not be around for our afternoon naps…
now, THAT is scary.
hi sarah! (miss you)
Olivia, you don’t sound harsh at all, only that you’ve really put some thought into your situation. I actually really love the bit about how you value your relationships, and hadn’t thought about the way those stereotypical roles would rear their ugly heads if that one decision was made (whether for economical, social, or just a pure desire reason).
Society’s never going to come around, though, only because “society” is the group of people who are running the media and offices, and those people don’t have time to have their kids with them every second of the day. I don’t think society looks down on the people who stay at home with their kids, it just can’t easily relate to them. And so the stay at home parents have their own mini-society, I’m sure, as does every subculture.
And maybe that’s the best way to look at it - it’s just another subculture, no better or worse than any other. Choosing to raise your kid by being next to them every second of every day will result in a healthy, balanced child. Choosing to make them your number one priority but still focusing on your job and not letting your own identity fall to the wayside will also result in a healthy, balanced child, just a different one (as Sarah says about how her life might not be way worse if her mom hadn’t chose staying at home).
There are strengths and weaknesses to each decision, but as long as you don’t lose your identity if you stay home or neglect your child if you keep working, everything will be good.
But I also agree with you, Olivia, on the becoming super rich thing first. Then you can have nannies, too!
I just had to second Randy. I have some students where I feel like I see their parent up at school more than the child and the child is horrible. Then again, I have had stay at home parents with wonderful kids, working parents with wonderful kids and working parents with horrible kids. It really ends up being how you parent and teach your child values, not do you work or stay at home.
Boy, does this question hit close to home. My wife hasn’t worked since she started having complications with her pregnancy last October. Then our daughter was born in December and the two ladies in my life have been inseparable since then. I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m not succumbing to my base Neanderthal male instincts by participating in an arrangement where my wife provides 80-90% of the child care. Selfishly, I really like the fact that my daughter is monitored by a board-certified pediatrician 24/7, and on some levels Stasha is much more “qualified” to be a parent than I am. That said, I do worry that this set-up is fundamentally unfair to her. Josh’s economic point is an interesting one, because Stasha’s current earning potential is at least triple my own. Our decision is stupid on a financial level. Not to mention the fact that she endured seven years of professional training to become an independent clinician, to then practice for only four months before becoming a stay-at-home mom instead. Is her career less important than mine? Certainly not. Is my job flexible enough to let me stay at home with our daughter? Certainly not. I think that our domestic arrangement is the best *possible* one at the moment (both my wife & daughter LOVE each other’s company) but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s inequitable at its core and that bothers me.
i have truly, truly enjoyed reading everyone’s perspective on this issue. thanks to all of you who commented for sharing yr opinion so honestly and articulately. i feel honored to be friends with such thoughtful people, who will all, if they choose to do so, make amazing parents some day (and some are doing that already!).
for me, i think it’s all about identity, which many people have pointed out. whenever i have kids, i want them to know (as well as my future husband) that while i’m a mom, i’m still a sarah, too, whether or not i work outside of the home. and that’s not about being selfish, it’s about being true to yrself as a whole person.
Looks like a bounty of good comments, and I’m too exhausted to read through them (8.5 months pregnant with babe #2…) so I’ll weigh in and hope I’m not too redundant!
When I had Arden in April of ‘05, I had no idea what I was going to want to do re: working, but I knew I had to finish my PhD or I was going to be super mad at myself–I was *so close.* When she was 4 months old I went back to work at UT’s Writing Center part time–it was a 20 hour a week job, but I only had to be on campus about 10-12 hours a week and did the rest at home via email. Owen’s work (writing, comedy, etc) means that he has a flexible schedule, and so we did a lot of passing Arden back and forth for that first year. It worked well for us, and both of us got heavy one-on-one time, which was great.
At the end of the academic year, I had successfully defended my dissertation, and decided that I didn’t want to keep going on at the Writing Center (there were insurance issues involved too, as I’d no longer be a student, and my benefits were going to take such a hit that I’d basically be working solely to pay for insurance. Thanks, America!). So, when Arden was 14 mo. old I stopped working. I was doing some volunteer work as a breastfeeding educator, and then I worked a bit over the next year as a doula, supporting women in childbirth. But I was ready to take a step back from work and not fill my plate much. From when she was 14 months to 2.5 I was mostly a stay-at-home mama, with some occasional small projects thrown in.
I thought it was going to be what I wanted, that I was finally going to feel like I was truly perfectly happy…but I found myself feeling restless and feeling like I was losing touch with some key aspects of myself…and I felt really torn about what to do about it. Then my “dream job” came up at another university in town. I debated whether or not to apply for it, and finally decided to take the plunge…and got the job. The job market for academic jobs is SLOW–the job was posted in October, I interviewed and was hired in March, and started in late August, when Arden was almost 2 1/2. Over that year I talked myself in circles about this major transition back to work, to a full-time assistant professor job that was going to be super intense but also focused on teaching the kinds of classes I really enjoyed teaching. By the time the year was starting, I had Arden enrolled at the preschool I fell in love with, and I was nearly ready emotionally to start.
This past year was good but hard for me–the first semester was intense and nonstop, as I worried it would be. For a while, my gauge of a “good week” was whether or not I cried on Wednesday night (the crucial midpoint of my week…). Usually I cried. But Arden’s preschool was even more dreamy than I had hoped, and her two teachers became quickly like other parents in all the ideal ways–she loves them, we love them, they love her and us, the whole “it takes a village” thing really coming true. And I was mostly able to schedule all my work between her hours at school (9-2), which meant that she and I got at least 7-8 hours of playtime a day, between early mornings, afternoons, and nights. (Yes, parenting is a whole other full time job. Or perhaps two full time jobs. We can go there another day. It never ends, and no one ever really gets a break).
Then I got pregnant again (surprise!) right at the end of the fall semester, and the spring was hard just because working while I’m pregnant is just hard.
But a lucky thing has happened–this pregnancy forced me to sit back and think about how things were going and what I wanted to be doing, as opposed to what I “should” be doing in my job. And what I realized is that at least for the next bit of time, working part time rather than full time is what feels right for me–getting the time to be academic-jodi but also getting as much time as I want to be mama-jodi and having a bit of time in there to be staring-at-the-wall-in-silence-jodi …working part time, for me, is “having it all.” I’m due with babe #2 at the end of August, and I’m taking the fall semester off. Then I’m returning at half-time in the spring, and I’m considering asking to continue that way indefinitely, until I feel ready to really plunge back in to the full time schedule. Thankfully, I don’t have to decide for a while, and will take much time to check in with myself and see how things are going.
This was super long. Guess I have many thoughts on the subject. My conclusion, though, is that you don’t have to “decide” in advance what you’re going to do re: work and kids–and being open to frequently reevaluating your work-home balance to find what’s right for you and your kiddos at each step along the way is probably what’ll work the best, although it does leave things often unsettled (especially financially). Because you might find yourself surprised by what works and doesn’t work for you when you’re actually in the thick of the world of babies and kiddoes. And mostly? Just not judging yourself if you find yourself needing something other than what you expected. Parenting is surprising. Kids benefit most (in my opinion) from having parents who are figuring out what everyone needs, and how to most harmoniously balance the family in a way that makes everyone feel nurtured, supported, and satisfied.
And kids are awesome. And exhausting.
Love you,
Jodi
Wow, what a great conversation — and hitting really close to home. I appreciated your voice Jodi — since I’ve been working part-time since my daughter was 7 months old. Perfect solution, time with her, time for me. Now that she is two, I’m trying to decide if I should do full-time…and it is a bit overwhelming to decide!
I think in a society sense, that the problem is that there aren’t a lot of part-time choices. Usually the question is stay at home or work — meaning fulltime. If as a society we valued balance and both partners participating, then we might not feel such a distinct choice between the two. And if dads were encouraged the same way, it would take the pressure off of one person. My husband took a month off after my maternity leave from my then-fulltime job, and it was so cool for him to have that time to know her that way. But people saying he was mr mom for a month drove me crazy! He is Dad. Period.
Thanks for the conversation! It really validates how complicated the decision is, all the factors that play into it.
I’m having a baby very soon (due date is a week and a half away!) and have stopped working. I’m not planning on going back to work until all our children have left the “nest.” This will require a lot of financial sacrifice, which we’re already experiencing, and being on a super tight budget is no fun at all. But there is no doubt in my mind that the time I’ll be able to spend with our child (and other future children, hopefully) will be worth the investment. There’s no higher calling, in my mind, than being a parent, so I don’t view it as a step “down” or as me losing something; instead, I’m gaining something wonderful, something that no job (even teaching, which I did love) and no amount of money could ever be worth giving up. I’ll be able to give my child the same gift my mother gave me: quality time and the knowledge of being a priority.
And I do plan on doing some education-related work from home, courtesy of my friend Megan who is a curriculum developer for a homeschooling organization, once things settle down with the baby. Hopefully I can earn enough for us to afford me starting to take flamenco lessons again in a year or two.