(extra)ordinary

crazy exciting on steroids

the fourth of july is right around the corner, and consequently, i’ve been thinking about fireworks. because the fourth of july isn’t *really* about american independence, it’s about the american right to make things EXPLODE. and look pretty while they do it, by golly!

i LOVE fireworks, whether they are in the form of majestic exploding rings of color in the sky or little tanks that shoot two sparks, move an inch and die. just the *smell* of them reduces me to a giggling, shrieking child, sitting on a curb and watching fiery colors streak up from the hot, gritty asphalt.

dating henri, who rivals a seven year old boy in his love for blowing things up, has opened my eyes to the INCREDIBLE array of fireworks that are now available to american consumers. whenever we go to the monstrosity known as a “fireworks warehouse,” i’m always amazed by the creative names (and graphics) for products.

when i did a google search to provide you with some examples, i found this article, which does the work for me (and impressive work it is). since everyone likes pictures, i have provided my favorite products found in the phantom fireworks catalog.

not as crazy exciting as steroids, but still. does urban warrior mean you kill city people? either way, that guy is obviously proud to be an american.

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Who says you can’t buy Happiness?

Turns out, Eternal Damnation and Eternal Absolution are for sale, too.

As for Happiness? It’s for sale at places like Riverside Red X Fireworks right now. With names like Blonde Joke, Explodimus Maximus, Crazy Exciting on Steroids and Gates of Hell, fireworks distributors have ramped up marketing of their products to appeal even more to mankind’s most primal desires: sex and blowing stuff up.

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ok, “crazy exciting on steroids” is the BEST NAME FOR A FIREWORK, EVER. if any of you guys actually sees this product, PLEASE PURCHASE IT. and then invite me over and/or film it so that i can see what Crazy Exciting on Steroids looks like. of course, i may see it anyway, given the fact that it will most likely CAUSE THE TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF THE PLANET.

here’s what the packaging looks like, so you can keep an eye out for it:

holy CRAP. i just found a video of it on youtube!!!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWk6mGhvVMc]

hmm. that’s not as impressive as i thought it would be. but the camera work isn’t exactly stellar, so i bet it’s better in person.

whoah! when you do a search for “crazy exciting on steroids,” you are suddenly submerged in fireworks messages boards! such as those on pyrouniverse.com.

ok i have officially lost control of this blog. because OMG look at some of these comments:

“I picked up a case of Crazy Exciting and 2 Cases of Matrix Pyro. I think those are two of the best 200 gram cakes out there. I plan on having both intermixed throughout my show. And I personally think Crazy Exciting is a much better value then Crazy Exciting on Steroids.”

“I think its the best 200 gram on the market for legal 1.4g. You won’t regret your purchase….”

“I would say like many here, it is one of the best. Also in my top few are the new Coco Mania, Luck of the Irish, Fireworks Feista, and others but I am drawing a blank.”

ok, uh, are we still talking about fireworks here?!! yowza.

but wait, but there’s more goodness in this article!

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Just as casual drinkers sometimes pick wine by oddball labels, fireworks distributors understand that Hicktown Heaven, Totally Jacked, The Big No-No, Cooking With Gas and Self-Destruction might stand out to certain shoppers.

It’s a delight for marketers eager to appeal to consumers of all varieties. History lovers can delight in Invasion of Normandy, Battle of Yorktown and Boston Tea Party. Some might be drawn to Uncle Sam’s Answer or Shock & Awe. Others might prefer Smoke-n-Mirrors. If you don’t like One Bad Mother, maybe vendors will persuade you to buy One Bad Mother-In-Law.

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you know, my father has always been a little wary of fireworks (being mr. safety pants and all), but would the INVASION OF NORMANDY change yr mind, dad?!! i mean, come on, it’s historical!

and cooking with gas? holla!!!!!!

and just for good measure, here’s “one bad mother-in-law,” which is actually, yeah, pretty bad(ass).

[youtube:http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=XfxVFJPicHg]

yes, but what does pyrouniverse have to say about it?

“world class one bad mother in law, anyone have an idea on duration or video? it’s on my finale board based on one bad mother being awesome last year…. trying to figure out where it will fit into 1 blonde joke, 1 amzzing ballet, 3 scuba divers 1 cold fusion and a rules of the game? i know i am finishing with amazing ballet(maybe some scuba diver in the background)… thanks in advance!!”

uh, ok then.

ok, this is a seriously scary firework. but what’s up with the name? is meemie the clown?!! GAHH!

the above image made me wonder who comes up with these wacky names (hello, sign me up!), so i decided to ask the article:

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So who chooses names like Death Wish, Evil Clown, Rehab and Bad Mutha Trucka?

Sometimes it’s the Chinese officials working in the manufacturing plants. Other times it’s American importers.

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ok, first, BAD MUTHA TRUCKA. wow, i suddenly feel like i’m armed with a new arsenal of personal expressions to drop into daily conversation.

anyway, i can see the chinese influence, esp. in this one:

anything with a dragon on it, as matt will tell you, is AWESOME.

but what’s a “spectacular fish effect”? when you look at the description in the catalog, it says:

“Spectacular liquid burn effects with flying pearls and crackling finale.”

so is “fish” a mistranslation of “liquid burn” or what?

anyway, wow. i had no idea that this post would lead to my education in the realm of “fireworks branding” but dude, i am SO ready to join pyrouniverse.com.

and hey, if you want to learn more, there’s a v. handy guide online, including a quiz! dude, you guys, take the quiz and write yr score in the comments! and then you will be super firework smart!

and then we could get hired to create names!

my first one will obviously be: Blow Up Yr Pants, followed by Melt Off Yr Pants and Crazy Dragon Warrior on Speed Pants.

LINKS

today is LINKRAGEOUS! i feel like a used car salesman, but LOOK AT ALL OF THESE AMAZING LINKS I HAVE! come and get ‘em while they’re hot! it’s like CRAZY LINKS ON STEROIDS.

i can’t help it, i will always love molly ringwald. if you’re like me, then you will love this interview with her (gah, to be her daughter and get that closet of vintage 80s clothes!!!), not to mention the rumor that there might be a sixteen candles sequel!!!

and then there’s this interview with christian bale, featuring a pic of him and his dog!!! SWOON.

have you guys seen the kanye west infomercial? it’s really an ad for vodka but WHATEVS, it’s AWESOME, and i know quite a few people (ahem, henri) who would buy that fizzy tablet (thanks, matt, for the link).

there’s a new online video site for toddlers, and surprise, I LOVE IT. where else can you go and easily find, say, a video of a hedgehog with a toilet paper roll around its head? or a baby sheep?!!! fess up, website. you were made for ME, not toddlers.

did you know that nike is releasing the marty mcfly dunks?!! yeah, they don’t lace themselves up, but still. THE FUTURE IS HERE YOU GUYS! where’s my hoverboard?

have you guys heard of that VH1 documentary about little girl beauty pageant? yeah, it looks as amazing as it looks horrifying. check out this clip and learn about the magic of “flippers”!

this will probably sound nuts, and it is: gary oldman… as tiny tim in “a christmas carol”? i am THERE.

if you’ve seen wall-e (or if you plan to see it), you’ll enjoy this list of “easter eggs” hidden in the movie. oh, you crafty animators!

oooh.. jezebel offers up a few gems for the dior couture show. WANT. completely ridiculous but STILL WANT.

more fabulous fashion… with ruffles! if i could walk in the park and look like that, i so would. esp. with those sunglasses.

© 2008 Poshdeluxe.