Poshdeluxe

i have to warn you right now that the following entry will almost definitely MELT YR PANTS WITH INCREDIBLENESS.

so, if you’re ok with that, please keep reading.

henri, erica, papa g. and i spent the last two days of our trip in the sunny party town of cancun. given all of the spring break stories i’ve heard over the years, i was DYING to see this place for myself.

and guys, it did NOT disappoint. for many, many reasons.

first, erica got us a FANTASTIC deal at a posh hotel resort, due to her employment. this place was POSH DELUXE TO THE CLASSY MAX. check out the view from our balcony:

more on the hotel later…

second, we got to eat in REAL RESTAURANTS AGAIN. after a week of crappy buffet food (no hard feelings, grand coco bay!), it felt GREAT to walk over to the nearby italian place, no matter how touristy it was.

check out this awesome sunset shot of some v. happy and sun-tanned campers:

not only was this a real restaurant, but it was ON WATER. i totally felt like a country mouse– “look, ma! it’s a menu! a REAL menu! and oh my lands, that’s an honest to god WAITER! we sure is bona fide now!”

dinner was great, but the night was about to reach IMPOSSIBLE LEVELS OF AWESOMENESS. because we were heading downtown… to coco bongo.

first, let me explain that “the strip” in cancun is basically just about two blocks full of neon lights and bars offering $15 all you can drink deals. it’s like vegas, jr.

here, for example, is carlos n charlies, where thousands of college kids go every year to do really stupid things and then buy a t-shirt as a memento.

the TRUE highlight of cancun, however, isn’t eating the worm or doing a shot from some girl’s cleavage. it is a place of legend, a magical, mythical place, nay, EXPERIENCE, known as coco bongo.

coco bongo was actually started by jim carrey and inspired by the club featured in “the mask.” but it’s not just a bar where you can watch cameron diaz and fight 1930s gangsters. oh NO. it’s a place where you can not only see yr favorite musical stars, including elvis, madonna and michael jackson, but you can ALSO re-live yr favorite movie moments AND watch yr favorite comic heroes do battle.

i know, it sounds too good to be true. but it’s REAL! or at least, it’s like, impersonator real.

the club wasn’t open yet, so erica, henri and i hit up one of the bars nearby, where we narrowly escaped being forced to take a shot directly from a shot girl’s mouth (GROSS). and when i say shot girl, i actually mean shot middle aged woman. yeah. i couldn’t get a picture of her, but erica and henri’s reaction to her is really the only illustration you need.

yeah, sometimes cancun is… not so pretty.

finally, the club was open, and it was time to step, er, escalate inside…

we were immediately greeted by an exceptionally enthusiastic mask guy who kept sticking is tongue out. the only person with more enthusiasm than this guy was, well, erica. as you may have guessed.

since we were near the front of the line, we had our pick of prime spots in the club. we wisely chose the second level balcony, which gave us an excellent view of the stage while removing us from the crazed high school (and college) seniors who would undoubtedly spill many drinks (among other things) below.

the show began almost immediately with an act based on “memoirs of a geisha,” which featured fan dances, acrobatics and confetti.

at this point, i had no idea how much confetti there would be in this show. so i was like, “look! a little confetti! that’s nice!” ha ha, if only i knew what was in store…

then there was a robbie williams impersonator who sang “mack the knife” with some vegas-y back-up dancers. it was cool, but i had yet to be wowed.

THEN they showed a clip from “cocktail,” and i was like, “playa PLEASE! cocktail?!!!” that is, until i saw a dance routine on the bar featuring four spinning bartenders and flaming drinks.

ok, that was pretty cool, even if it was inspired by a tom cruise movie.

next up, there was a ricky martin number (i think?!!), which, i’m sorry, paled in comparison to “comedy night” at grand coco bay. still, the dancing was pretty great.

and then they unleashed BALLOONS!!! a TON of long, skinny balloons that you could wave around and hit people with!!! look look!

and yes, all of those girls are standing on the bar.

the confetti was still my favorite, though. i have NEVER EVER experienced this kind of confetti madness in my LIFE. i felt like some kind of gold medalist in a parade, or maybe princess diana when she got married, or something.

henri is sooo gonna buy more confetti cannons for sing-alongs.

after this solid beginning, the show became a LOT more amazing, and also, a LOT more crazy. like, you cannot even imagine how crazy. like, “passion of the christ acrobats” kind of crazy.

no seriously. there were passion of the christ acrobats who came down from the ceiling while a clip from the movie played.

and then they did this:

as with all things coco bongo, you really have to see it to believe it. which is why, by the end of this blog entry, you’re gonna owe flossie a thank-you note.

uh… wow?

that act is tough to follow, which is why madonna came out next.

she was pretty great, but not NEARLY as amazing as FREAKING SPIDERMAN. BATTLING THE GREEN GOBLIN. JUST LOOK AT THIS:

have yr pants melted off yet? no? oh, ok. then watch THIS:

yeah, this is all happening at A CLUB. IN CANCUN. WHERE I WAS.

it was like one of those universal studio shows, except NOT LAME. and with STEAM. HOLY CRAP.

destiny’s child (or was it just beyonce? it was hard to tell) came next, but i’m sorry, i don’t care how bootylicious you are, you can’t top spiderman.

still, there was more confetti, and i’m always a fan of that.

i love how coco bongo seeks the most entertaining aspects of all pop culture worlds by combining musical artists with movies with cartoony things like spiderman. or even… beetlejuice! beetlejuice! beetl- don’t worry, i won’t say it three times. duh.

beetlejuice even flew out into the audience, where he was joined by a few other castmates, one of whom surprised me greatly as you’ll see in the video below.

Beetlejuice from poshdeluxe on Vimeo.

and of course, there was elvis.

elvis is cool and everything, but the next performance SQUEED MY PANTS OFF. cos it was satine! from moulin rouge! swinging down to the crowd just like in the movie! IT WAS LIKE I WAS IN MOULIN ROUGE!!! ZOMGGG!!!

seriously, how cool would it be to have satine bring you a bottle of champagne? i probably would have burst out with “MYYYYYY GIFT IS MY SOOOONG,” which would have been v. embarrassing but undoubtedly appropriate.

satine’s entrance was followed up with the performance of the “lady marmalade,” featuring lots of sequins and lingerie, as it should.

at one point, giant balloons floated into the crowd and were combined with fog. seriously, i was in special effects heaven. all that was missing were fireworks, which i guess are kinda taboo after that whole great white thing.

the show began to wind down, so erica and henri and i made our way to the floor, where we unfortunately observed the single worst axl rose impersonation i have EVER seen. i mean, COME ON. how hard is it to sway back and forth while screaming and singing? i can’t believe this guy had the nerve to tarnish the image of guns ‘n’ roses in such a fashion. like, axl rose could SUE him for defamation, and that’s saying a lot, considering how much axl rose has defamed himself.

and, as i said disgustedly during the performance, “he’s wearing TWO kinds of plaid. i mean, that is just RIDICULOUS.”

at least slash looked pretty good. if slash had looked bad, things between coco bongo and me would have gone south in a hurry.

in spite of the lackluster G&R, i was glad we ended the show on the floor, amidst the plebian, fratty masses, where the drinks flowed freely and the confetti flowed even more.

conco bongo, i’m going to say something that is often heard in cancun but rarely meant:

“thank you for an amazing night. i’ll never be the same again.”

only this time, i mean it. i REALLY mean it.

you were incredible.

LINKS

THERE’S GOING TO BE AN ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MOVIE!!! YESSSS!! this totally makes up for hollywood unleashing “the love guru” upon us.

forget myspace! now there’s HOFFSPACE! finally, a place to go and make fun of people who love david hasselhoff.

john sent me this article about a heinz ad (also featured in the article) that got pulled cos two guys kiss in it and people complained. which is a shame, cos the commercial is totally hilarious and not “gay” at all. seriously, people, there are BETTER WAYS to spend yr obviously copious amounts of free time.