Poshdeluxe

hey guys! did you enjoy yr three day weekend?

if you didn’t have one, i’m sorry, but… i went tubing for the first time in 2008! woo-hoo! this is a Major Milestone, esp. cos now the tubing gates have been opened, allowing river water and beer-filled coolers to flow freely and plentifully ALL SUMMER LONG.

but i’m not writing about that today, cos i have to catch you up on the MARVELOUS adventure i had last wednesday night. to celebrate the release of the fourth indiana jones movie, the alamo put together an excursion that included ziplining and a snake show!!! and i got to go!! yay!!!

the adventure began in the parking lot of the south lamar theater, where we donned fedoras and waited for our bus to show up and whisk us away.

it’s amazing how dashing people, even the non-swashbuckling types, look in fedoras.

caitlin and henri are ready to swing from vines, crawl into cobwebbed caves and kill some germans! i mean, russians! i mean, insert historical cliché villains!

zack was also along for the ride, as was thomas, who captured everything on film (you’ll see his video later). he inexplicably began videoing people getting their faces punched, so henri followed suit with his camera.

look at zack, taking it like a man. indiana jones would be proud!

finally, our bus arrived! it was 45 minutes late, but you know, i’m sure indy has to deal with this kind of stuff all the time. i mean, when you’re in the middle of a third world country or the depths of the jungle, you can’t really expect *reliable* transportation.

but you CAN expect air conditioning. cos hello, this is texas. i need to be AC-ed if i’m supposed to exert myself, ok?

we sat in the back of the bus, cos we’re the cool kids. and also cos no one else wanted to sit by the bathroom. here’s thomas, who sat in front of me and spent the bus ride making people say and do random things for the camera (but the man had a plan! as you shall see!).

after a near-death experience involving a sharp turn and an unforgiving curb, we arrived at the cypress valley canopy tour facility. everyone hopped off the bus with their fedoras on, making us look even cuter than a  groupof grannies touring italy.

here’s the platform where we (eventually) started zipping. the line goes to the left, into the trees, not to the right (although that would’ve been cool). i think they are afraid people will try to unhook themselves and fall into the water (”people” being henri).

before we could start zipping (<– new favorite verb! holla!!), we had to get suited up, which involves an adorable red helmet and some v. unflattering straps that are dangerously close to le private parts. no one, not even natalie portman, would look good in this gear.

ok, well, yeah, she probably would.

all i’m saying is, indiana jones NEVER had to wear a harness. or if he did, it was under his clothes so as to fool the audience, so that doesn’t count and anyway i don’t want to know about it cos ALL OF THOSE STUNTS ARE REAL, OBVIOUSLY.

still, i think caitlin and i pulled it our ensembles with fashionista flair:

here’s henri, totally giving harrison ford a run for his money in the “come with me… we might die, but it will be sexy!” department.

before you zip, one of the “tour guides” hooks you up to the line and shows you how to brake by using yr left hand (gloved, thankfully). you’re not supposed to GRAB the line, you’re just supposed to press yr hand down on it. otherwise you might get stuck… in the middle. which wouldn’t be that scary but WOULD be horribly embarrassing which is even worse.

i actually wasn’t too nervous about the prospect of flying through trees, in the dark, depending solely on some unflattering straps, a metal hook and my ability to stop myself before crashing into one of the platforms. i guess i just really trust people’s fear of getting sued or something.

so i jumped off the platform and WHIZZZZZED THROUGH THE AIR!!!!!!!!!!

look!! that’s me, zipping!!! zip zip ZIPPITY ZIP PANTS!!!!!!

you guys zipping is AWESOME!!!!! it is officially my favorite sport (besides tubing). it takes NO physical effort (except putting yr hand down to stop) and allows you to soar through the air, covering great distances at breakneck speed. forget about biking to work… i wanna ZIP!!! talk about funnest commute EVER (although helmet hair is definitely an issue).

we were the last group to zip, so it was starting to get dark, but i didn’t mind. the darkness made everything seem more mysterious and exciting. and then the fireflies came out, and i’m pretty sure we entered a magical swiss family robinson land where we all live in trees and make incredible clothes out of woven grass and feast on tasty berries and learn to communicate with the creatures of the forest.

i really DID feel like indiana jones, like a hero zipping in to save the day. esp. when i walked across the rope bridges!!!! i even did one with my eyes closed, cos it made me feel v. v. brave (obviously, the knowledge that i was safely hooked to the line had nothing to do with it).

look at me! i’m brave zippy pants!

after only a few zips, we were total pros, ready to take on the world in our helmets and harnesses! we can rescue innocent villagers and discover ancient artifacts and bring down oppressive regimes through the power of our ZIP!!!

eat yr heart out, indiana jones.

to see all of this awesomeness IN ACTION, check out the video thomas made:

Indiana Jones Adventure from Henri Mazza on Vimeo.

after conquering the zip line, we made our way to the next thrilling adventure: SNAKES!!!!!!!

the alamo hired two snake guys to perform for us in this warehouse-y studio on east sixth street, where we also feasted upon ALLIGATOR AND CROCODILE FLESH!! because we are HARDCORE!!!

ok actually i’m not hardcore. when i saw this box of rattlesnakes– yes, a BOX of RATTLESNAKES– i totally shrieked like tim lott, that is to say, like a little girl:

sorry the picture is blurry, but i think it’s easy to see all of those POISONOUS SNAKES WRITHING inside that box!! holy crap!

the ringleader of the operation, jackie bibby, looked like a cross between a rancher and a carnie– texas twang mixed with a bowler hat and an earring.

this guys is REALLY proud of his feats with snakes, which he made known to us by repeatedly saying that he has FIVE (or was it six?) guinness world book records.

what, you may ask, are those records? well, two include a sleeping bag filled with rattlesnakes (foot first AND head first), and another involves sitting in a bathtub with rattlesnakes. another he actually *demonstrated* to us… holding rattlesnakes in his mouth. I KNOW. HE IS CRAZY. but he’s done it… with ten snakes. for ten seconds. you can see a picture of this INCREDIBLE (i.e. psychotic) feat on the guinness site.

here’s a v. blurry picture of him doing it at our show, except with a few less snakes (still, it was impressive).

it kinda looks like he’s throwing up the snakes, doesn’t it? now THAT would be an impressive world record.

apparently jackie has only been bit about five times, with the only permanent damage being his TOTALLY CREEPY AND GROSS THUMB GAAAHHHH.

seriously. i cannot STAND to look at that photo. it gives me the heebie jeebies!!!!!!!

you know what else gives me the heebie jeebies? A RATTLESNAKE RIGHT NEXT TO MY FACE!!

i hide my panic well, don’t you think? WAY better than indiana jones, if you ask me.

one brave volunteer even HELD a rattlesnake in her BARE HANDS then THREW IT to the other snake dude!!! she is sooo ready for the temple of doom.

for the last act, they brought out a cobra!!! cobras are WAY intense in person, sort of like smokey the bear (<– a little mitch humor for ya). when their flaps (what are those called?) open and they slowly raise up, you start to feel like they could probably lunge towards you and sink their venomous fangs into yr sweet sweet skin, even though you’re 20 feet away and there are snake professionals present.

these guys, BECAUSE THEY HAVE A DEATH WISH, performed what’s called “the kiss of death,” which means they kissed the top of the cobra’s head.

THEY KISSED THE TOP OF A COBRA’S HEAD. A LIVE COBRA. THAT COULD KILL THEM.

i’m sorry, but no amount of zipping could embolden me to try this.

i don’t feel bad, though, cos indiana jones wouldn’t get NEAR a cobra if he could help it. in fact, while these guys are busy making out with snakes, he would be cracking some 1,000 year old code and discovering the Lost Golden Treasure of the Mighty Incans or whatever.

i think indiana jones and i share the same priorities. at least, when it comes to snakes.

after the v. exciting snake show, we headed back to the south lamar theater to catch the first screening of the movie… which was bad. i’m sorry guys, but it was terrible. and hey, i’m just as offended as you are! indiana jones should be battling ancient mysteries and awesome booby traps, not a crappy script and some CGI prairie dogs!

all i can say is, maybe indiana jones should’ve done a little bit more zip lining in the movie. that would have automatically made it a hundred times more awesome. and, yeah, what the heck, throw in a “kiss of death” or two while you’re at it.

LINKS

everyone has bad yearbook pictures, but what about yr head being placed on the body of another person? or yr shirt just… missing? yeah, i’d feel bad for these students except for the fact that this is AWESOME.

OMG! have you guys seen gin the dancing dog?!!!!!! i seriously TEARED UP while watching this clip. i am not kidding. that’s how amazing this dog is.

matt sent me this AWESOME video of a cell phone in a microwave. you have to enter yr birth date to watch it for some reason, but it is totally SFW.

eye candy for the day: christian bale on the cover of details.

the lady from “french laundry at home” finally cooked a pig’s head. and got her own show! which she totally deserves after having to crack the skull. not to mention shave the ears GROSSSSSS.