day in the pants

a day in his pants: the posh deluxe interview with john harney

say hi: shakes her shoulders –> john fell in love with this band when we saw them at sxsw.

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ladies and gentlemen, today i present to you my favorite chinese-speaking irish grad student, mr. john harney. john is awesome, as evidenced by the fact that, when i asked him to send me pictures for the blog, he sent me this photograph:

this may be the best picture of john ever taken.

it’s hard to believe, but i’ve only known john for a little over a year (well, maybe like 16 months). we bonded over the shared misery of an american studies class that we both MISTAKENLY thought would be fascinating but ended up being one of my top three worst classes of ALL TIME. ok, well, post high school.

our professor LOVED to hear himself talk, which is actually quite common, but his distinguishing feature was his obsession with asking us insanely obscure questions and then chiding us for our ignorance. for example, after reading a book about “low-brow” versus “high” culture, he felt it necessary to quiz us on popular songwriters of the 1930s. he also really, really loved referencing movies from the 70s. i’ll never forget the time he tried to get “current” with us– we were talking about jack black, and he said, “well, you all probably haven’t seen it, but jack black’s breakout role, in my opinion, was in an indie film called ‘high fidelity.’ most people don’t know about it, but it’s a great movie.” CUE EYE ROLL.

the only thing, and i mean the ONLY thing, that saved me in that class was being able to shoot john secretive “help me,” or, more frequently, “kill me now,” looks across the seminar table. in fact, the only thing i got out of that class turned out to be a pretty good deal– a new friend! yay!

anyway, today’s interview is going to be a little different. henri actually volunteered to interview john, in sort of a “chat” style, and i agreed, as long as john answered my “general” questions that i give everybody.

the results are… well… what you would expect when john and henri get together.

take it away, henri!

I decided I wanted to step in and guest interview last night because Posh and Erica and I were joking about the interviews in general and Posh let it slip that you specifically asked for an interview in an email. I love the gall of that, and so it begs the question – what do you think makes you so interesting that people should read today’s interview with you at all?

First, to cover myself, I don’t think I ever specifically ASKED for an interview, I’m pretty sure Sarah mentioned it and I just followed up. Which is still evidence of how astonishingly self-involved I am. I also asked before this amazing procession of insightful interviews with awesome people happened. I’m starting to wonder what I got myself into.

Living in the US is fantastic because people are always saying things to me like “that is so interesting” on a regular basis even if I’m not being particularly so. I think faced with the options of either recognizing that they were being polite/short-sighted or assuming that I am, in fact, really interesting, I chose interesting.

I am interesting for superficial reasons. I’m Irish but I don’t want to live in Ireland. Actually that’s not that uncommon. I’m a westerner that speaks Chinese and has very little ambition if any to live in mainland China. I didn’t like School of Rock but I did like Nacho Libre. I am in graduate school but prefer TAing to reading (unlike almost all the other graduate students). I play video games a lot but I’m not very good at them. I’m convinced everyone has to have my opinion on everything. I have enormous calves.

So you’re Irish, living in America, studying Chinese? Okay, that is interesting, especially when you put it all together like that. Now to keep Posh interested, let’s talk about the Chinese a little bit, but more specifically, the Chinese food. Is your love for Chinese food what drove you to study the language and the culture?

Actually, no. I lived in the Philippines when I was younger, and I got interested in Asian history. I was back in Ireland and my dad was working in Taiwan, and he spent a few years trying to talk me into taking up Chinese. I wasn’t interested, but by the time I finished my undergrad, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I had just had one of those break-ups you have when you’re 21, and I really wanted to get out of the country. A Masters Degree in England later I was in Taiwan trying to order food in Chinese. The food is awesome. It just came later.

Speaking of Chinese food, when you’re in that part of the world, don’t ever ask what stuff is, just eat it. It’s rarely Temple of Doom style crazy, but even if it is, don’t let your hang-ups prevent you from rocking your taste-buds right off. And if you think you don’t like seafood, get over it. Really.

john does a fairly accurate henri impersonation.

So have you eaten monkey brains?

I actually haven’t eaten monkey brains. But then, I’ve never eaten Mac ‘n’ Cheese either. *Sorry Posh* Chicken feet are just bad, it’s like chewing on a baby’s hand or something. The flat out worst is stinky tofu. It’s just tofu but it smells like… well, I’m uncomfortable saying what it smells like on a public blog. Old feet, let’s say.

But Henri, if monkey brains were on the cards, I know you’d be right there with me.

Excellent point. So… do you know where we can get some monkey brains?

I feel bad that I don’t, but we’re only a twenty hour flight away from a hook-up… there has to be someone in Beijing that has a cousin somewhere that knows somebody… and I do speak the language. But then you never know. Do you know that the British have a big problem with people from Africa and parts of Europe bringing in weird food and untreated meat and stuff that is generally unavailable in Britain? Unfortunately I doubt Mexicans bring anything into Texas that isn’t fine. Or awesome, for that matter.

British people are weird, no doubt. I can’t understand your last sentences about Mexicans, though. Are you being racist again?

Henri, I knew you’d try and get me in trouble.

I was trying to say that if people smuggle in food from Mexico, it’s probably not skeezy at all but something I’d like to eat. It’s unfortunate because then we might have a shot at either monkey brains or the brains of some other suitably small, cute animal.

Some people smuggle drugs in from Mexico. Other people smuggle Mexicans in from Mexico. Have you ever eaten either of them?

I would say no to the first question and make a sexual innuendo regarding the second, but I’ll just say no to both. Boring.

I understand. You don’t want to incriminate yourself, you druggie cannibal, you.

I feel like my job here is done, though. We’ve established that you’re a people-eating racist drug addict, so I think now everyone will be interested in hearing your answers to Posh’s questions, as most of us have never met human flesh devouring, skin color hating, dope shooting Irish people before.

I just realised you might want to pretend your website crashed, I’m not sure I’m good enough for this…

i can’t get over john’s hair and beard, or hairbeard as it were, in this photo. tis magnificent.

what is yr secret power?

do you sleep in jimjams? what kind?

I haven’t slept in pyjamas since I was ten or so, even though the concept has always appealed to me. I think that graduating from He-Man threads to a pale-blue executive number turned me off. My mum got me pyjamas at a store in Ireland called Next once, and they were cool, but so cool in a neutral male kind of way I just wore them on the street. Nobody noticed.

what is yr #1 favorite food?

Oh wow. My first instinct was to say sashimi, but I moved on to the next question, and it has to be dimsum. Has to be. God I love that stuff.

what is yr top restaurant recommendation in austin? what’s the best thing on the menu?

Following on from the last, I’m going to recommend a Chinese place… I was going to say Ding Ho but at the last minute I realised that it’s all about the dimsum at T&S Seafood on Sunday late mornings/early afternoons. It’s about as close to dimsum in Hong Kong that you could hope for in Texas. I’ve never even gone to T&S any other time.

tell me about yr top area of expertise.

Ok. Well, my top area of expertise is probably 20^th Century Chinese History. Basically, China has been through a very rough 200 years. The last Chinese dynasty, the Qing, decided to take about 100 years to slowly collapse, during which a bunch of western powers walked around like they owned the place in all the big cities. Not long after we get into the 20^th Century, the dynasty collapses, and the Republican Revolution ushers in almost forty years of chaos and, eventually, civil war. Since then, we’ve had Maoist China, which was Stalinist, and the Reform Period, which is China now. Extremely limited political freedom tied to capitalist economic development. I could go on forever, but presently in China, there is very little desire to change the political system and forms of dissent are obscured by economic goals and vibrant nationalism. The Tibet/Olympics issue is an excellent example. The average Chinese person believes that westerners are poking their nose into something that’s none of their business and trying to belittle China on the international stage. The fact there area clearly Tibetans who don’t want to be part of China doesn’t enter that calculation.

this is john with a little girl whose parent worked in his taiwan office. i bet this picture is pretty successful with the ladies, eh john?

what was yr favorite item of clothing as a child?

My uncle and aunt sent me a Republic of Ireland soccer jersey when I was seven. It was green (of course) with white hoops on the sleeves. I lived in Northern Ireland at the time, in a town where the Catholic school had 50 students (in total, across seven years) and the Protestant school had almost 600. I wasn’t allowed to wear it in public so I wore it inside constantly!

what do you plan on doing when you’re 80?

I always assumed I’d do the corny Irish thing and live by the sea, looking wise and wisened, but in reality, I won’t be able to afford it, there might not by any countryside left, and the weather will do awful things to my health. Too realistic?

I don’t know where I’ll be but I plan to enjoy the old man’s prerogative: to complain about everything, all the time!!! I’d rather be pleasant about it, but basically by then whatever small social barriers exist preventing me from being an even bigger mouth will be gone. It shall be sweet.

if you could assemble yr own ocean’s 11, who would you pick and why?

Eleven people to rob a casino in Las Vegas…. Ok. First, I’d rewrite the Clooney movie, get rid of the Chinese acrobat and cast Justin Timberlake. Then I’d have Henri play Justin Timberlake. I’d have my friend Brendan O’Callaghan as the guy that puts all the money up front, because he might actually have money, and he’d do a great job of showering disdain upon all of us. Posh, you get to be the ‘idea man’ because you are awesome at organising and planning. My friend Gray could play the English guy, because he’s English, and his cockney accent is just about as bad as Don Cheadle’s. I’d have Erica G and Teresa as getaway drivers, just because I think they’d dress the part and look cool doing it. Matt Gierhart would be the Brad Pitt character, except he’d deliberately act weird and throw everybody off. I’d be Matt Damon’s character because I’d talk too much and bug everyone. My friend Richard Barrett would be awesome as the high-roller casino guest. I think Caitlin would be good as the inside job guy, just because I can see her being a croupier and giving suspicious sideways glances in truly conspiratorial fashion. The eleventh person would be Jess, because I couldn’t not take Jess to a bank robbery in Vegas.

what is yr best karaoke song?

The Chinese song “I am a Fish” is always a popular one, though my best isn’t in Austin Karaoke. It’s called “Yongqi”, which means bravery or guts, and it’s about being in love but not having the guts to tell someone. I named two Chinese songs because nobody can tell how well I’m actually singing. In English? “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum.

do people ever tell you that you look like someone famous? who?

When I was a kid in the Philippines people told me I looked like Tom Hanks. Others said Doogie Howser (nobody was bothered about the actor’s name back then). Since then, Chinese people have told me I’m a bit like Jack Black, because I’m loud, and my LEAST favourite, in my a bit larger with black rimmed glasses and long curly hair days, I was told I looked like Jack Osbourne.

tell me something scandalous!

When I was sixteen, I was kind of seeing this German girl, for a couple of weeks. It was going pretty well, but then we both went up to County Galway, to separate places, for separate reasons. She was actually going to a school dance with some dude, and it was all a bit weird. I ended up going to a dance as well, and when we met up back in Cork I was wearing a scarf to cover a neck covered in hickies. Luckily for me, she wanted to end it, and had clearly been naughty herself, so it’s still scandalous and I didn’t have to feel bad!

My friend Jess says I should make it sound more scandalous, but I’m sorry. I’m Irish.

me and john at his temporary going-away party in what he says”is possibly the best photo ever taken of me. EVER.” nice try, john, but this picture is pocket change compared to the one i posted at the top of this entry.

thanks so much for the interview, john! i’m truly glad that we found each other through the misery of american studies… you are totally the best, most talkative, spastic and charming silver lining ever.

and special thanks to henri for conducting the interview, ESPECIALLY when you asked about food.

LINKS

did you guys see the SATC ladies on oprah? does anyone watch oprah? i don’t, but i do watch the internet! check out jezebel’s take on the show.

check out iron man henri (and his white socks) on kxan.

anne lamott was on stephen colbert!! fun!!

does anyone else DIE IN ECSTASY whenever vanity fair does their fold out covers with famous beautiful people? well, here’s a cool retrospective that also (unfortunately) points out some racist tendencies on the part of annie leibovitz. but still, it’s fun to see who were the “it” girls back in 1995… my, how some of those stars have fallen.