family

an unexpected visit to my grandmother’s house

last night, i had a dream that i was back at my grandmother’s house.

and my whole family was there, including grandad and mama helen (my grandmother). grandad died when i was in seventh grade, so it was a lovely surprise to see him. he came out the front door while i was standing in the yard, so i gave him a hug and admired his thick, snow-white hair, which even when carefully parted always revealed a few dashing strays.

i didn’t really see mama helen, but i knew she was in the kitchen. i could smell the apples and bratwurst, one of my favorite dishes, cooking on the stove, and i wondered if she was sneaking bits of food to biscuit when no one was looking. when my parents and i first brought biscuit to the house, mama helen swore up and down that the dog would not set a paw inside her home. of course, by the next visit, biscuit found her rightful place at my grandmother’s feet whenever she was cooking (which was often) and even managed to score a few tummy rubs by jumping up into the chair while mama helen was watching a movie (which was always “the fugitive” or “the rainmaker”).

in my dream, i made my way into my grandmother’s massive, charmingly feminine bathroom. as a child, i was absolutely enthralled by this place. first, there was a bathtub and a *separate* shower (i had never seen such luxury before), and the bathtub, which was olive green, was sunk into the ground and surrounded by, what else, olive green carpet. i remember sitting in that bathtub as a child and reading the last few pages of “where the red fern grows,” because i didn’t want anyone to see me cry. i felt safe there, submerged in carpet, as if i had quietly sunk into a soft grassy hill in the middle of an empty field.

in my dream, i wandered into mama helen’s closets (she had two!) and smelled that sweet, grandmother smell– powder and polyester and shalimar perfume. i think i looked through a few of her outfits, fingering the material and marveling at her large shoe collection.

my mother turned out to be in the other closet, but she was taking nap, so i didn’t disturb her. she looked really peaceful, that kind of blissful vulnerability that comes only when you know yr parents are just around the corner. you’re safe, from everything.

when i woke up, i realized that i haven’t seen my grandmother’s house, nor my grandmother, in six years. it was a strange feeling, to realize the actual distance when everything, even the bathroom, seemed so close and clear to me. a delicate layer of sadness settled over my shoulders, but it was gentle and light, like a cashmere shawl, and gave me an unexpected feeling of warmth.

there is a sweetness in missing people and places, because the spaces they occupied in yr heart are never filled in or paved over. time passes and the grass grows high, but when you really need to, you can find those spaces again and curl up for a little while, hidden from the pressing present, submerged in a green bathtub.

LINKS

veggie cupcakes? kinda like that jessica seinfeld book but way less annoying.

angela chase, the anti-juno.

matt sent me this link a while ago, but i forgot to post it. create yr own unicorn ranch!

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