Poshdeluxe

the klaxons: golden skons (a track from one of mark’s many awesome brit rock mixes)

i’m proud to present to you the next subject of the posh deluxe interview: dr. mark lewis.

mark is also known as “dad” to a particularly adorable little lady named emma. i really hope she grows up and calls him “dr. dad.” because that would be great.

mark and i met near the beginning of our sophomore year at rice when we both joined the cast of the will rice one acts. while repeating “loaf of bread” over and over again (anyone ever seen “philip glass buys a loaf of bread”? yeah. we memorized that), i came to know mark as an engaging, thoughtful Scotsman with a great (if nerdy– hey, it’s rice!) sense of humor. it didn’t take me long to realize that my friendship with mark would be one of the best values i got out of my college education.

during our senior year, mark and i edited the backpage of the thresher, which was basically the parody section of the student newspaper. i have many, many fond memories of late nights in thresher office, when mark and i struggled to draw the line between “this is hilarious” and “this will get us expelled.” it’s a fine line, folks. a really fine line. anyway, near the end of our illustrious reign, we decided to recruit next year’s editors by showcasing the glamorous life we lived while working on the backpage. i mean, we were practically CAMPUS CELEBRITIES. out of nostalgia for the days (and nights) when mark and i would constantly crack each other up (or find people having sex behind a curtain in the baker institute… eeeh, story for another time), i have sprinkled some pictures from our backpage photo shoot throughout this entry.

and now, on to the interview!

so mark, you’re a dad. when do you start becoming lame?

My daughter already thinks I’m lame because I can’t lactate. Her obsession with breasts rivals that of most Maxim subscribers.

what’s been the toughest thing about fatherhood so far? what’s been the best?

My job takes me away from my family with disheartening frequency, sometimes for more than 80 hours a week. The toughest thing is arriving home to a quizzical stare as Emma struggles to identify this stranger in her house. The best thing is the wide-eyed smile of recognition that eventually follows.

is it weird to look at emma and see some of yr own features? or stasha’s? i dunno, that just seems kind of CRAZY.

It is incredible to see my traits in Emma. It’s like a funhouse mirror that distorts my features for the better, creating a reflection that’s much, MUCH cuter than my own image. But beyond the physical resemblance, it’s mind-boggling that she even exists. Besides putting two cells together I have absolutely no idea how we made her. It’s as if we blindly spilled paint on a canvas and inadvertently created a masterpiece. Not like a Jackson Pollock, though, more like Seurat. Something incredibly complex and perfectly detailed which coalesced out of nothing more than love and good luck.

are there any parenting clichés that you hope to avoid?

I have already committed the most egregious cliche of acting like I’m the
first person in the world to ever have a baby. I know it’s not a unique accomplishment but I just can’t help it: I am filled with foolish pride. To redeem myself from this parental faux pas, I promise never ever to purchase a minivan. To the contrary I am committed to driving my ridiculously impractical Mini Cooper to every soccer game and piano recital (damn, more cliches!).

note the presence of the lovely olivia in this photo… she was totally our #1 fan.

on the blog this week, we talked about manners, so what kind of manners do you hope to teach emma?

Right now I’d settle for continence, or at least not having audibly explosive bowel movements every time we’re in polite company.

when she’s a little older, will you bring emma with you on “take yr daughter to work day” and, if so, will you let her play with the x-ray machine?

True story: I worked in a doctor’s office during the summers in college and they would “test out” the X-ray machine on me to make sure the beams were penetrating enough to get a good picture. Aside from
sprouting a second head from my right shoulder I haven’t really suffered any adverse effects so I’m looking forward to bonding with my daughter by getting irradiated together. Now that I think about it, my past experience as an X-ray guinea pig makes it even more remarkable that I was able to reproduce at all.

what is yr secret power?

When I take off my shirt in broad daylight I can blind anyone within visual range. My pale Scottish pecs have the same retina-destroying power as a solar eclipse and can only be viewed safely through one of those little pinhole boxes.

do you sleep in jimjams? what kind?

It’s my Calvin Kleins or nothing at all. Actually, one of the greatest fringe benefits of being a doctor is getting to wear scrubs, which feel like having pajamas on all day long.

what is yr #1 favorite food?

Fish and chips from my homeland. Ideally the fish should be so deeply fried that your coronary arteries clog up after the first bite (fun medical fact: Scotland leads the world in heart attacks per capita! )

that’s the editor of the paper, brian stoler. he definitely knew his place.

what is yr top restaurant recommendation in austin? what’s the best thing on the menu?

I am addicted to the creamy jalapeno sauce at Chuy’s. Forget the entrees, just bring me a huge bowl of creamy j. And yes, I am wearing scrubs in a restaurant because this is gonna get messy.

tell me about yr top area of expertise.

I am tantalizingly close to having the dialogue from every Seinfeld episode memorized.

what was yr favorite item of clothing as a child?

My favorite article of clothing has always been an overcoat that first belonged to my grandfather, then to my dad, then was passed on to me. They were great, holy men, both Protesant ministers who lived out the Gospel lessons they preached, and when I put on their coat I am shrouding myself in a rich inheritance of wisdom & grace and pretending to be worthy of it.

what do you plan on doing when you’re 80?

Retiring to an island off the coast of Scotland called Islay, where they make the greatest single malt whisky in the world. I already have a cottage picked out. It’s right on the beach, where the Atlantic waves finally come to rest after a long journey from America and where the scents of sea salt & peat smoke mingle in the air. I could die happily there.

if you could assemble yr own ocean’s 11, who would you pick and why?

Frankly I’m not sure I’d be willing to split the heist money 11 ways because I need to start saving for Emma’s college fund. As far as the cast goes, I have a huge man-crush on George Clooney so he stays. Matt Damon can stay too but only in the role of Jason Bourne — you never know when you might need to asphyxiate someone with a towel and later on he’d probably forget that he deserved any of the stolen cash. Don Cheadle gets the ax because his dreadful Cockney accent nearly ruined those movies for me. He gets replaced by whatever whiz kid at Rice hooked up the whole campus with free cable because I’m pretty confident he could hack casino security. After that I need only blind everyone in the vault with my bedazzling whiteness (see above) and stroll out with the big bucks. No whammies!

what is yr best karaoke song?

My rapper alter-ego Slim Pasty tears up the mic when he’s “In Da Club”.

tell me something scandalous!

A true Scotsman really doesn’t wear anything under his kilt.

thanks so much for letting me interview you, mark! it is my DREAM that you, stasha and emma will one day live in austin, so that i can hang out with emm– i mean, you. obviously you.

do you guys have any questions for mark? feel free to leave ‘em in the comments, and mark will do his v. best to answer them! but no medical questions, please. that’s just gross.