Poshdeluxe

andrew bird: yawny at the apocalypse

over the weekend, i saw “i am legend,” which is a movie about a virus, created by scientists, that kills a lot of people and turns other people into really fugly vampires. the result is that new york is only populated by one person, and that person is, of course, will freaking smith.

in spite of the fact that the movie totally changed the ending of the book it’s based on (that’s what henri told me), i still enjoyed it. first of all, the scenes of a deserted new york, overgrown with weeds and wild animals, are absolutely stunning. i mean, i *knew* it was CGI or whatever, but STILL!! times square totally looked ripped up and abandoned and WOW!

secondly, the film is full of small, quiet moments, where you can see that will smith is probably about to completely lose his shizz but still manages to hold on to what it means to be human. he talks to mannequins like they’re alive, and he listens to his ipod and he shoots golf balls of a big fighter jet.

third, the dog in this movie is AWESOME!!!! OMG!!!! major props to the person that probably spent a billion hours training this dog to turn his head in a specific way or act like he’s just been bitten by three totally disgusting vampire dogs. i mean, will smith was great and all, but this dog?! did someone say oscar?!!!

anyway, the movie made me think a lot about what i would do if i were in will smith’s position. first of all, i would probably not be in will smith’s position, because i’m a pansy and, even if i was immune to the virus, i would be slaughtered by a roving band of vampires within the first hour of the plague. seriously. i doubt even buffy summers could save me.

speaking of buffy, oh man. if this story ever happened in real life, i reeeeally hope people turn into the attractive vampires typically portrayed by hollywood rather than the nasty, creepy ones in this movie. if i had to be killed by a vampire, at least they could be attractive and trying to seduce me so that i’m feeling really flattered right before i die.

anyway

so what would i do if i were the last person living in NYC? first, i would definitely hit up whole foods and get as much expensive food as possible before it spoils. second, i would teach myself how to run a generator. third, i would totally bust into barney’s and saks and h&m and get all kinds of amazing clothes and dress up each and every day, just for myself. i would especially start wearing fantastic hats, because now people kind of stare at me a little if i’m sashaying around in my big pink number. but when all of the people are gone, no one will make me feel weird about it. in fact, i will probably dress every day like i’m about to attend a Formal Gala. i’ll even wear jewels in the bath! yes!!!!
speaking of bath, i’m really going to have to figure out how the whole water thing works. especially heated water. cos there is no way i’m gonna let myself be dirty. even though no one else will be around to smell me, i’m too OCD to allow myself to go for longer than a day without a shower. just cos the apocalypse happened does NOT mean that hygiene isn’t important.

in the movie, will smith does like a hundred chin-ups and runs on a treadmill so that he is super, super ripped. he is obviously just staying in shape so that he can fight vampires, but the audience certainly appreciated the effort, let me tell you. i think i would keep exercising, especially because i will have a ton of cute work out clothes from nordstrom.

and i would definitely, DEFINITELY get a dog. the movie doesn’t mention if cats are alive or vampiric or not, but i could care less about cats. a dog would be great company and would give me some form of love, which i’m sure i’ll be missing after a few months of being completely and totally alone (with no one to read my blog, to boot!).

btw, this weekend i got to randomly play with the most ADORABLE pug at the alamo, and it was, like, the highlight of my LIFE. here’s a picture:

who needs the human population of the earth when you’ve got a doggie like this?!!!!

although her eyes look a little freaky… i hope this isn’t a sign that she’s got the virus. because then all of her fur will fall out and her eyes will look really cray and she will most definitely try to kill me. that would suuuuck.

i think i’m on some kind of apocalypse kick, cos i also (finally) started reading “y: the last man,” this comic series about the supposed last man on earth. the story begins when, inexplicably, all of the men in the world die, except for this one guy, yorick, who also happens to be a magician, i mean, illusionist.

i’ve only read the first two trades, but the story is amaaaaazing and manages to combine adventure and suspense with a lot of political/social commentary (for instance, almost all of the planes in the air crashed when the men died, cos there aren’t v. many female pilots). women have to figure out how to run the world themselves, and these crazy republican women try to take over the white house (literally attack it) and some women form this “amazon” group around the idea that men were a plague on the earth and women are way better off to be on their own.

all i can say so far is that if i were around in “y: the last man,” i would most definitely not join up with the amazons. first, they kill people, and i don’t really have the stomach for that. second, i think boys are (sometimes) pretty great and would miss them if they all died at the same time. third, the amazons cut off their left breast so that they can be better at archery WHAAAAAAA?!!!!!!!! that is INSANE and gross. nooooo thank you. really. no.

anyway, the point of all of this is i’m glad that the apocalypse hasn’t occurred yet. i happen to like having other people around (boys included), and i certainly don’t want to spend my nights holed up in a bathtub with metal shutters on my windows to keep the cray fugly vampires out. even if it if meant i could wear a bestey johnson dress every day.

i give “i am legend” three out of four pants:

and i won’t rate “y: the last man” yet, but i have the feeling it’s gonna be a four pantser.

LINKS

ever heard of the strandbeest? they are the coolest things i have ever seen. gah, science can be so cool sometimes.

caitlin sent me this funny (and maybe disturbing?) video of a little girl that, well, wants something that she can never, ever have.

so snoop and david beckham hung out. and excuse me, my head just exploded.

ok, i know we have a cupcake stand in austin now, but when are we gonna get one of these?!!!!! i am totally writing a letter to city council ASAP.

i never knew knitters could be SO EXTREME.

more catalog goodness from jezebel: check out the goodies at sky mall! (holla, meredith)

p.s. NEW BLOG FEATURE! thanks to the genius of matt, you can now subscribe to comments. that means that you can leave a comment and then find out what other people say. specifically, if anyone makes fun yr comment, you can write another one slamming their mom and it will be FACE HARD.