growing up

let’s hope it’s a good one, without any fear

sarah mclachlan: happy xmas (war is over)

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so, i know that christmas have gotten all tarted up by consumerism and hallmark and the availability of cheap plastic, but… i still believe in it.

i feel like christmas (and other winter holidays) somehow, in some way, continues to draw people towards a reflective frame of mind… maybe it’s the end of the year, and you’re thinking about the changes that have happened, the people you’ve known, things you wish you had done differently, things you want to celebrate with every living day.

maybe it’s the fact that the holidays gently nudge you to contact people, with christmas cards or facebook wall posts or phone calls. i even want to reach out to strangers, like saying, “merry christmas” to the grocery store clerk. i LOVE doing that. and yeah, maybe they don’t celebrate christmas, but i hope they don’t get offended. if someone on the street randomly said, “happy hanakkuh!” or “merry festivus!” to me, i’d be thrilled. because usually, if someone on the street randomly talks to me, they’re asking me if i can spare some change (although sometimes it’s a lady telling me she likes my purse or my outfit, and that’s pretty great in its own right).

to be honest, i have a hard time reflecting on things… i get nervous about what’s underneath all of my regular, day-to-day bustling. but i *am* good at celebrating things. i get excited about my first peppermint mocha or my first xmas card or the first time i hear the charlie brown xmas song. i adore sending out holiday cards and thinking about each person as i write down their address with a green sparkly pen. i survey my stack of cards and think, “i am so, so lucky.” i  love giving friends hugs and shouting “merry christmas!” as we part ways in the cold, moving on to other parties, to families, to faraway places that are expecting us. isn’t it the best feeling, when you know someone is waiting for you?

i guess i still believe that these holidays soften our hearts, even just for a minute.

last night, i spent some time with a friend i hadn’t seen in over a year and a half. i won’t go into details here (this isn’t a livejournal, fools!), but we did not part amicably. we’ve been living basically as strangers in the same town, unable to handle the idea that we once knew each other so well.

but recently, we decided that maybe, maybe, it would be ok to open our eyes, just a little, and spread our fingers, and peek at each other again. and then blink. and then open our eyes a little wider. and then maybe… we might even smile, because the person sitting across from us was a person we still knew. and more importantly, a person we wanted to know, all over again.

so we got together at at this little place called rio rita, and as i walked in, a song from “you’ve got mail” was playing. and then i found a silver tinsel xmas tree, and i sat next to it, because it calmed down the butterflies in my stomach. and then my friend walked in, and he smiled.

and i smiled.

and my heart said, “merry christmas.”

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