Poshdeluxe

you know how katie holmes just ran the NYC marathon and everyone was shocked cos they’ve never seen her training and she’s got a toddler at home?

oh, you didn’t know that? well, she did.

anyway, on saturday, i did something similarly amazing and unexpected. i got on a bus with thirty other people and traveled to four different small towns to eat bbq and drink beer.

and yes, it did change my life.

as part of the “blazing saddles” quote-a-long, the alamo organized a bbq tour of lockhart, luling and gonzalez.  i think the plan came about when tim (the owner) thought, “hmm. blazing saddles reminds me of bbq! i want to get a bus! with a keg! and travel to all of my favorite bbq places!” and when you’re the owner of the alamo drafthouse, you basically get to do whatever you want. and people will pay to join you.

here’s our carnivorous crowd, waiting for the bus outside of the ritz.

you probably noticed that we all have the same black t-shirt on. if you’re going to do something wacky as a group, you HAVE to wear the same shirt. it’s just one of those things. henri designed it, and here is tim (not the owner, but still a v. cool guy) modeling it for you:

i have the feeling that this shirt could kick the arse of a veggie heaven t-shirt.

we all loaded up on the party bus, which was waaaaay better than yr average school bus. first, there was no gum under the seats. second, no boys tried to snap my bra strap.

and third, there was a keg!

for once, i got to be a cool kid and sit in the back. YES! the only problem is that i forgot about how the “cool kids” in the back are also the kids that give each other nosebleeds. check out tim breaking the bus window with bobby’s face.

i bet bobby will never call tim “four eyes” again.

our first stop on the tour was at smitty’s market in lockhart. tim told us about the family feud that occurred after the death of the original founder. apparently, the place we visited was the original location, and after that… i got confused. but i do remember him saying that the fire has never gone out at this place. sort of like the bangles song.

i could tell right away that this place was ooooold. first of all, the walls were discolored by the smoke that hung heavily in the air. i’m guessing that the people who work there have lost their sense of smell completely. either that or everything smells like roasted meat to them, which must be weird when, say, they walk through perfume aisle of a department store. or a hospital.

here is part of the “original” fire:

i loved the fact that there were no railings or barriers between customers and the fire. if someone fell in, the owner would probably just guffaw loudly and then give them a sausage link, on the house.

the back of the restaurant was full of firewood, which added to the old school feel.

we ate upstairs in the “banquet room,” whose sole decoration consisted of this framed picture of sandra bullock with her autograph on a memo pad:

there wasn’t even a texas FLAG in the room. just sandra.  i thought about offering them a signed copy of my “i didn’t take the bait” internet security modeling picture, but i figured that my fame had probably not yet reached their small town enclave. give it another year or so.

the staff brought out big pans of meat, which we placed on sheets of brown paper. here is my first meal of the day:

yep, lotsa brown.

i will take this moment to admit that i’m not, like, bbq’s #1 biggest fan. i mean, i like it, i enjoy it, but i can only fit about one small piece of cow in my stomach within a span of 24 hours. consequently, i knew i had to pace myself. just like any other marathon runner, i had to tune into my body and find my own inner rhythm.

after two bites of sausage, my inner rhythm said, “no more sausage.” i said ok.

here’s a “World Tour” shot of our party bus in front of the lockhart city hall.

is that sweet ride or what?!! the more we drove around in it, the more i felt like we were all in a rock band together. a massive, meat-obsessed rock band. plus, the looks we got from the locals every time we emerged from the bus definitely made me feel super rock ‘n’ roll, like in the “footloose” sense of the term.

our second stop was the luling city market:

one of my favorite things about small towns is discovering the secret little surprises, like a dirty cafe with amazing pie or an old lady clothing shop with purple wigs.  and when you think luling, you probably don’t think “kickass record store.” but see, that’s where you’d be wrong.

carnival records is conveniently located next door to the city market, so we popped in to check out the scene.

not only did this place have a pretty bizarre collection of records and cds, but they also had some tight shoes!

of course, henri bought a pair (the superman nikes). i’m sure you will see them on this blog v. soon. he also bought a new soundtrack for the bus (we had been forced to listen to a continuous loop of the “dreamgirls” soundtrack, which honestly isn’t very bbq-inspiring).

blazing saddles… rap! yes!

unfortunately, the beats on the cd were so dope, it broke the cd player on the bus. daaaaang.

did i mention that luling is super cute? i guess i’m easy, cos any town with “city pride” street banners immediately charms me.

i did, luling! i did! consider yr street banner campaign a SUCCESSSS!

rather than eating inside of the city market, we kept it real and ate by the railroad tracks!

our bus driver, the only african american in the group, came by and said, “ya’ll look like a bunch of runaway slaves!” which you know, was kind of a weird moment.

unfortunately, no trains rode by while we were eating, but i did get to feast my eyes on some tasteful country decor:

(waaay better than sandra bullock)

back on the bus, one of the group members passed out york peppermint patties for everyone. i was so excited!!!!! i LOVE york peppermint patties, but they’re not the kind of candy i usually buy for myself. you know? they taste so much better when you get them as a gift, especially for the holidays, cos they’re so minty and fresh!

here’s tim, demonstrating that you don’t need milk if you’ve got beer.

our third stop was the gonzalez food market, which was probably my favorite in terms of environment.

first, their banquet room was waaaay better than smitty’s. they had a TV and TWO texas flags and i kinda felt like i was sitting in a trailer park kitchen.

also, any place with punctuation errors SKYROCKETS in my estimation. i’m serious.

and finally, they had The Wall Of Stuff, like pics of celebrities and newspaper clippings and posters from old gonzalez events and family portraits. i mean, just look at this stuff!

i could spend all DAY in front of this wall!

plus it was a good distraction from the fact that my stomach was about to burst. if i had been a marathon runner, this would be about the time when i decided to spend an extra 55 minutes at the water table and maybe try to catch a cab. i was h.u.r.t.i.n.g.

which is why i only ate mac ‘n’ cheese. because although the meat compartment of my stomach was full, the mac ‘n’ cheese compartment is *always* open for business.

henri and i took a walk around the town square in the hopes of burning off a few of the 7,000 calories we had just consumed. a storm lingered on the horizon, and the weather felt fresh and bracing. it was nice to know that i could still smell things other than smoked meat.

i fell asleep on the way to the last stop, which was really a survival tactic. cos when i woke up, i was ready to eat again! well, a little.

here we are, back in lockhart at black’s:

they are open 8 days a week, just like the mac ‘n’ cheese compartment of my stomach.

black’s had a Wall of Stuff too, but it wasn’t nearly as impressive as the one in gonzalez. well, except for those MASSIVE HORNS. GEEZ.

i tried to imagine the size of the longhorn (?) those horns came from, but all i could picture was thomas (my car) with horns on his grill. that would be awesome. xmas list, holla!

i have to say, my respect for the bbq tour group increased with each stop. while i totally pussied out at the last two places, these guys BROUGHT IT. they faced the meat and they CONQUERED it, time after time after time. although i had not realized it at the beginning, i knew by the end that i was in the presence of hardcore pros. they showed that meat NO MERCY.

i couldn’t dream of achieving their level of carnivoreness, but, honestly,  i felt no shame. cos i know that if i ever go on a mac ‘n’ cheese four-city bus tour, i will totally DOMINATE.

yr ass is mine, M&C!!!!!

we finally made it back to the theater, which, really, had sort of been in doubt (in my mind).

and then henri got to host the show dressed just like a real cowboy!

on days like this, you gotta respect texas. you just… gotta.

LINKS

i love jezebel because it’s not afraid to ask the tough questions.

henceforth, i will refer to my “chaotic/lots of trinkets” decorating theme as the “amy sedaris style.”

“the exciting game of career girls” has replaced “hungry hungry hippos” as my favorite game. i mean, i like eating marbles, but now i can get career advice like: “Your make-up is too sloppy. Bad for: Airline Hostess and Model”