Poshdeluxe

car stereo wars: hip hop halloween monster mash-up

even though i still love halloween (and still get dressed up, obvs), i do miss trick or treating. the neighborhood streets i knew so well were transformed into a magical and eerie place, where little people like me frolicked and giggled and shrieked and filled our bags with sugary surprises. back then, i felt like we *owned* the streets, and the adults were just lucky to be there. we all knew the houses that gave away whole candy bars (WHOLE BARS!) and the houses that always gave you the crappy hard gum. the darkened houses were always the most mysterious to me… black, blank spaces between the homes with porch lights and grinning jack o’ lanterns.

even though i’m way too old for trick or treating, i still think about candy a lot (duh). so today, as i walked down memory lane, i decided to make a list of the best and grosses halloween candy of all time. please join me on this caloric tour of delights (and horror), and then feel free to leave yr own suggestions and candy memories in the comments.

first, the good stuff.

if i came home with at least four reese’s peanut butter cups (and i’m talking the real size, not the minis), i knew i was in business.

reese’s was (and still is) the best candy in the world. often i would hoard my peanut butter cups because i wanted to make them last as long as possible, and then, four months later, they would develop that weird light white film on top and i knew they were dead to me. DEAD.

actually, this happened to me a lot. one, cos i was an only child, so i didn’t have to worry about someone else eating my candy. two, cos i actually liked *looking* at my candy more than eating it (which is still true today. i keep cadbury eggs around FOREVER, just ask henri).

my second favorite candy was the all american classic, snickers.

even the fun size is so satisfying!!!!!

third on my list, and extremely rare, were wax lips.

i know, wax lips aren’t “candy” per se. but they are SO FUN!!!!! you can put them on yr lips and look goofy and make people laugh, and then you can kind of chew on them, which is gross but oddly enjoyable. and it is sort of like wearing lipstick, which i was not allowed to do at the age of 7, which made the lips even more alluring.

i also loved any of the hershey’s collection and those sweet little boxes of nerds. NERDS! so colorful and crunchy!

ok, let’s move on to the crappy candy.

the BANE of halloween’s existence is, of course, the box of raisins.

there’s nothing worse than dumping yr big bag o’ candy on the living room floor and discovering the taunting face of the sun maid raisin girl. i HATE her. she’s all, “i’m so cheerful and sunny and i’ve brought you a healthy snack instead of all of that sugar and fat!”

to this day, i still don’t like raisins. so suck it, sun maid.

next, necco wafers.

you know, back in college, i actually visited the necco factory in boston with becky. i thought maybe seeing the factory would explain to me why necco wafers actually exist as a candy. what candy niche do they *possibly* fill? oh, the tasteless, pastel, chalky niche? good to know.

now let’s talk about two types of candy that i was never able to actually understand as a kid. these things:

and chick-o-sticks:

turns out they both come from the atkinson candy factory in lufkin, texas (sorry, meredith). but what ARE they, exactly? the top items are called crunchy peanut butter bars, but hello, if they were peanut butter, wouldn’t they LOOK like peanut butter? they don’t! they are white and striped and kinda remind me of a cool eraser i had in the second grade. as for chick-o-sticks, like, WTF? there isn’t even a stick involved!! and if there’s a BABY CHICKEN involved, i don’t even want to know. all i DO know is that these two candies usually represented about 1/5 of my entire candy net of the night. and guess what? weird peanut butter bars don’t get you SQUAT during the end-of-the-night candy trade.

on similar lines, the one candy that i could never identify, even after YEARS of trick or treat experience, were these things:

turns out that they are peanut butter taffy. again, i ask you, do they look like peanut butter? no. attention, homeowners: if you want to buy something peanut buttery, is there any other choice than reese’s? cos if you buy this taffy stuff, i guarantee this will happen to every single piece:

[end of the night, kid sorting through candy]

kid: let’s see… let’s see… YES! i got three butterfingers! sweet! and a role of life savers! and… wait. what is THIS? it’s wrapped in black wax paper! and there’s no label! and it’s all brown and mushy inside. uh… it’s probably poison. or poop.

[dumps all 45 pieces of it in the trash]

end scene.

if you’re too cheap to buy candy with actual labels, just don’t bother turning yr porch light on, ok, SCROOGE?
and, last but not least, the worst thing to see in yr candy bag: a toothbrush.

i HATED the people who gave away toothbrushes. they were always so smug and self-righteous, like, “oh, hellooo, widdle children! you’re going to rot yr precious teeth out with all of that candy, so i’m going to teach you a Life Lesson by giving you a toothbrush instead of a snickers bar! and it’s a Cool Neon Color, just so you know that brushing yr teeth can be super neat-o!”

UGH. i hope the great pumpkin comes over and PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE.

i now want to take a second to talk about nasty candy. i don’t mean bad-tasting, i mean CREEPY. when i was a kid, the ickiest candy you could find were probably gummy spiders or something. now, there’s like the “saw IV” candy market. check out these oozing eyeballs:

sure, they look innocuous. but watch this video (scroll down about halfway) to understand their heebie jeebie potential.

GAH!!!! i am so creeped out!!!

even grosser? EAR WAX CANDY. no, i am not kidding.

check this out, care of candy addict:

“Yes, ear wax candy. It’s a plastic ear filled with a fruity jelly-like candy that resembles ear wax. It even comes with a plastic “swab” to use to dig out the candy. I don’t know why they chose to make the ears pink though - if you’re going gross, you should go all out - they definitely should have made the ears flesh-colored.”who WORKS for candy companies nowadays? it’s like willie wonka on crack.

since i don’t want to end this post on an icky note, here are two “scary” CUPCAKES, care of design*sponge:

i admit, the eyes freak me out. but i would so totally still eat it.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY! i hope you eat lots of candy and successfully avoid any encounters with raisins or peanut butter taffy.