alamoing

fantastic fest: launched by a gore cannon

last night, the alamo launched fantastic fest, officially described as “a week-long festival featuring the best in new science-fiction, fantasy, horror, animation, crime, Asian, and all around badass cinema.”

or, in pants language: a festival of horror movies, which sound utterly terrifying and i really don’t want to go to them but henri made me promise to see one in exchange for my badge and now i’m wondering if that was such a good deal, fantasy (MAYBE I WILL SEE A SNEAK PREVIEW OF GOLDEN COMPASS!! THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!) and random stuff that will probably constitute some pretty good blog posts.

last year, i only saw one movie at fantastic fest, but it was a doozy– the sneak preview of “pan’s labyrinth” (and since there weren’t any trailers out yet, i didn’t know about the baby eating eyeball hand guy! um, SURPRISE!). this year, i vowed to spend more time at the theater so i could fully experience the festival.

and by fully experience, i mean, watch a guy get splattered with blood and guts.

yes folks, that innocent-looking pair of white tubes is known as the Gore Cannon, and it can shoot entrails at targets up to 50 feet away. don’t believe me? watch this:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pFuBFWJDlE 325 260]

in case you can’t access youtube at work, or maybe you were too squeamish to hit play, here’s the effect of the gore cannon:

I KNOW!! G TO THE ROOOOSSSSS!!! sorry squeamish people. you didn’t hit play, but you had to look at this picture anyway.

btw, i’ve never had a man covered in blood pose so seductively for my camera. i can’t decide if his peacocking is hilarious or just really, really creepy.

also

i really cannot believe someone invented this gun. although i do trust that the alamo drafthouse could find said person, cos, well, that’s what they do. bring out the crayzees.

the gore cannon was just one of the many “special treats” lined up at the launch party. there were also piñatas!

hey, who doesn’t love a good piñata bashing? it’s like fight club for people who don’t actually want to experience facial disfigurement.

raphael held his own for a while, but eventually he was beaten to a pulp. here’s a shot of the carnage (NSFW!!):

oh humans, ye are such brutal creatures!

ye are really effed up creatures, too. there was a guy at the party who likes to roast goats on crosses:

i… um… wow. seriously, WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM? and how can i make sure i never go there?

on a less horrific note, a scientist guy showed off his musical fire invention:

the flames sort of reflect the music being played, although the wind made it a little tricky to decipher. oh yeah, and one of the customers called 911 because of this thing! even though the manger told her it was completely safe, she decided the manager was lying to her and we would soon all perish in a big ball of flame. you know it’s a good party when the fire engines come.

speaking of fire, there was a hot sauce contest!

i know, the place was swarming with paparazzi. i could barely get a good picture in! geez!

the hottest sauce was actually (and i am not kidding) a bit of regular sauce, spritzed with pepper spray. like, the kind dwight uses to protect the office. the kind that makes grown men cry like delta burke in a lifetime movie.

no one wanted to try it, until henri told this girl he’d buy her a beer. and really, who cares about third degree burns on yr tongue when there’s free beer involved?

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTRFwXTOjbc 325 260]

laaaaaame. no tears? no frothing at the mouth?! yeah, it wasn’t as dramatic as i had hoped. which either means the sauce wasn’t that hot (but with pepper spray?!! come ON!) or this girl was a total HOSS. OOOOR this girl has no active tastebuds, which should really disqualify her from the contest, don’t you think? i mean, hello, CHEATING!

back in the piñata fighting ring, zack was taking on superman, The Man of Steel, with his own bare hands!!!

no, he didn’t use krptonite. his awesome fighting power derived from his sheer, all consuming need to get to the treasure inside of superman. candy? please. we’re talking about lone star, the official beer of texas!

yeah, i’m pretty sure i could beat up superman for some free beer.

as they strung up the next victim, who i think was the princess from super mario, i wondered: candy… beer… what’s next? could this piñata be full of, dare i say it, cupcakes?!!!!

well, i was wrong. to see HOW wrong, watch this:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hXXn_7SQk8 325 260]

turns out that princess toadstool was actually ALIVE! we *killed* a member of the royal family! OMG! i mean, just look at her severed body, with the guts below (people with a weak heart may want to scroll down… actually, just stop reading this entry all together):

princess toadstool’s brutal death revealed a startling discovery: she was about to give birth to a GOAT HEAD!!

I KNOW, I KNOW, IT IS SO GROSS!!!! OMG!!!! it’s all bright and red and NAAASSTEEEEE!!

and zack picked it up off the ground like a roll of smarties.

seeing the head reminded me of the time in tenth grade world history when the “class hooligans” brought a mysterious soup to Greek Day (one of those times when we had to cook a dish from another country, which really teaches you a lot about the history of that civilization, btw). we had freshmen slaves serving us in togas, which was actually really cool. anyway, no one could believe that these guys had actually gone to the trouble of cooking something… until we got to the bottom of the pot. and found a goat head. turns out “Goat’s Head Soup” is a real greek delicacy.

definitely not my favorite flashback.

since zack had proven with his manhandling of the bloody goat head that he was no squeamish sally, henri volunteered him to be the next gore cannon victim.

YES! GORE CANNON ACTION! PUMP, PUMP, PUMP IT UP!

after the countdown, the cannon experienced a slight malfunction, granting zack a brief reprieve from his future wardrobe of blood and animal parts.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t95VHkp8Q_M 325 260]

i posted that video just cos i love the second when zack flinches. a-HA! so you’re not such a tough guy after all! even though you have a tattoo of “troll 2″ on yr arm, you’re just like the rest of us!

then, without warning, the cannon delivered its “carrie” judgment flawlessly, right into zack’s crotch area. unfortunately, i didn’t know that was going to happen, so i didn’t get it on film. but i think you can still get a general impression from this picture:

i think i just felt all of the boys collectively shudder.

fortunately for all of you, zack faced the cannon one more time, with a little moral support from mr. bloody model pants.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE8TwIGbGIU 325 260]

it never gets old, does it?

and so, on a wave of blood, guts and a goat head, fantastic fest began.

oh sweet fancy moses, give me strength.

© 2007 Poshdeluxe.