Poshdeluxe

presidents of the u.s.a: peaches

to celebrate the fourth of july, pants world joined the rest of our fellow red-blooded americans at the pinnacle of patriotism: cabela’s.

if you are not familiar with cabela’s, that probably means you AREN’T REALLY AN AMERICAN. and also possibly it means you don’t live in the south, where top leisure activities include shooting, skinning and stuffing things.

cabela’s helps you to do all that AND MORE!

and they have an aquarium!!!!

i think it’s supposed to get you excited about catching huge fish, but the massive googley-eyed catfish just gave me the heebie jeebies.

in case you were thinking about purchasing a gun, cabela’s shows you how EXCITING and REWARDING hunting can be by presenting you with huge dioramas of stuffed (dead) animals.

buy a gun and show those lions who’s BOSS!

you know texans secretly wish we had lions here. and also ELEPHANTS!

i love how the “sky” backround makes all of these pictures look like we’re at the olsen mills photography studio of wildlife.

with this sort of material, it’s hard to believe we were the ONLY people taking pictures like this:

apparently, everyone else there was actually indulging in some serious shopping.

we came, however, to worship at the base of Mount Taxidermy.

america is A-OK, folks! we’ve got nukes AND stores featuring mountains of dead animals.

did i mention Big Game Country?

oh yes, step inside big game country and learn about deer straight from the grandfather of all hunters, Mr. Cabela!

i don’t actually know if that’s supposed to be mr. cabela. it looks strangely like george w., which actually makes sense to me. but an animatronic george w.? enter me, WAKING UP IN COLD SWEAT EVERY MORNING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

thanks to my digital camera, you, too, can absorb wisdom from this wise outdoorsman.

cabela’s is so extreme, it almost wraps around to the other side of the spectrum. like, could this be in the next white stripes video?

yes. yes it could. i can already see meg banging the crap out of those antlers with her drumsticks.

when jessica, a vegetarian, started feeling squeamish, we decided to move on to other american pursuits: TONS OF EXPLOSIVES! we hit up a big fireworks superstore (more on that later) then drove to fuddrucker’s, “where america eats” (<– actual tagline).

DANG STRAIGHT! on the fourth of july, you better be eating RED MEAT or else people will know that deep down, you’re a total commie. or worse, french.

forgive my mexican beer. i realize now how blasphemous it was to drink a non-american beer on the fourth. my deepest, most red white & blue apologies.

back at henri’s house, the boys wasted no time in regressing back to age ten and immediately decided to blow something up.

that something being the only thing they could find in henri’s fridge: a sweet potato.

what happens when you put a firecracker in a sweet potato?

this happens:

to chronicle our wealth of firepower, i took pictures of everyone with their favorite purchase.

here’s josh, showcasing the Tall Texan:

this thing was LOUD and BIG, like most texans. i was hoping a lone star can would pop out at the end, but no such luck.

matt, with his saturn missiles:

actual matt quote: “these are the only space-related fireworks they had. i asked.”

jessica, of course, bought only cute fireworks:

LOOKS ARE DECEIVING, THOUGH. see those snaps? yeah, she threw those at people. UNSUSPECTING, INNOCENT PEOPLE. like me. and even kids on the bridge got NO MERCY.

erica displays one of my classic favorites, the hen. i like making hens and tanks do battle. the tank shoots sparks, but the hen lays SPARK EGGS! game ON!

it turns out that amber is deathly afraid of fireworks, so she didn’t buy any.

she did, however, take that bag of snaps out of the box and promptly drop it on the ground, causing a barrage of snap explosions around her feet. she enjoyed that.

my favorite firework? easy peasy. that would be EVIL’S NIGHT! WITH A DRAGON ON THE FRONT! AND SIX ASSORTED SUPER SHELLS of the ABSOLUTE HIGHEST QUALITY.

this package turned out to be be pretty sweet, actually. the super shells went HIGH! and they were all shimmery! i mean… SCARY AND EVIL!

the only thing bigger? henri’s purchase.

obviously, henri is the best american in our group.

since the rain was holding off, we decided to watch the city fireworks from the lamar pedestrian bridge. it was definitely the right choice.

something about sunsets makes me feel good about life. HIGH FIVE FOR AMERICA!

the bridge was packed with people, especially kids and dogs (!), so there was a nice community feeling in the air. the only thing missing was one of those american flag cakes with strawberries and blueberries.

i think i told everyone i loved them about 20 times.

i also got to hang out with a yorkie named sydney!!!!!!!! I HEART THE U.S. OF A.!!!

around 9:30, the fireworks began! i love watching the colorful lights reflected on people’s faces as they ooh and ahh. there’s something so universally and beautifully human about it.

matt and his sidekick, mr. explosion.

and here’s henri, who will BLOW YOU AWAY WITH THE POWER OF HIS MIND.

doesn’t jessica look like she has a little sunshine halo?

yeah, well, just watch out when she has snaps.

amber faced her fear on that bridge. and she KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF IT.

sort of.

so the fireworks were amazing, but you know what the best thing was that i saw on the bridge? this little boy and his PUPPY!!!

HI PUPPY!!!!!! HI HI HI HI!!!!

when i first saw him, i thought he wasn’t real! he was too cute and teeny tiny! but he was real! and soft and snuggly!!! god bless freaking america!

back at henri’s house, we got our FIREWORKS PANTS ON!

matt is ready to do battle with the Axis of Evil.

to avoid angry neighbor phone calls to the po-po, we roamed the streets and randomly set off fireworks when we felt that it was patriotically appropriate.

there was also dancing:

to be fair, the firework was called a “disco ball,” so the boys really didn’t have a choice.

and of course, there were sparklers. lovely, shimmery, sparky sparklers.

sparklers have this special magic that causes people to undulate in zexy patterns, so that josh, for example, begins to resemble criss angel:

USE YR ILLUSION!

it was a pretty great fourth, even though i didn’t get to buy a gun.

LINKS

NEW PLANET UNICORN!! WITH TYRA BANKS!!!!

yr dog wants you to stop using drugs. he can’t stand to be blamed for eating yr homework when WE ALL KNOW IT’S THE HASH.