Poshdeluxe

big star: thirteen

this weekend, two amazing things happened.

first, i was almost killed by a stampede of cattle.

i’m serious.

see, i decided to go tubing on the san marcos river with matt, his sister robin and a few of her friends. one of the guys lives in san marcos and knows “the best place” to get tubes and jump into the river.

when i think tubing places, i think about ramshackle wooden buildings with lots of safety signs, tanned teenage workers and for some reason, a ton of yellow. i don’t know why the yellow, but that’s what i visualize.

what i *don’t* picture is a dilapidated trailer with a spray painted couch (cushions missing, obvs) and an old man who looks more preggers and white trash than britney spears ever did.

but on saturday, that’s where we went. it’s called “don’s fish camp,” and when you google it, you don’t get any sort of official site. instead, you get news stories about how it’s a menace to society! fun!

i don’t know why these reporters are so focused on the whole drinking and litter thing when they SHOULD be freaking out about the CATTLE STAMPEDES. which is a greater threat to public safety, let me ask you?!!

in order to get to don’s fish “camp” (i reserve the quotes for the word camp, rather than the official name of the place, cos it’s really more like a trailer park), you have to drive down a looooong, dirt road full of major holes. due the rain, these holes had transformed into gaping mudpits that reminded me of the death of atreyu’s horse in “never ending story” (sob!). thankfully, i wasn’t driving. especially cos i don’t think thomas can handle cow horns. it’s just not a part of his whole honda thing.

anyway, we’re driving (slowly) through the mudpits when, all of a sudden, we see some cows running towards us, head on. and then more cows. and then more cows. and they’re not just doing the whole, “hey! i’m a cow! i’m slow and like munching things about a thousand times before i blink my eyes” thing. oh no. they are RACING AS IF COMPETING IN THE BOVINE OLYMPICS. i swear, they were mooing to “chariots of fire.”

I CANNOT BELIEVE I DID NOT HAVE MY CAMERA. i remember screaming to matt, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I DON’T HAVE MY CAMERA” right before i saw the whites of the cows’ eyes. but just so you kind of get the idea, cross this picture:

with THIS

minus the buffalo (thank the sweet heavens).

IT WAS INTENSE. as the cows raced towards us, robin actually screamed. i put my hands over my ears (to protect… my head? i dunno) and sort of crouched down while still trying to keep an eye out for a stray horn through my window. there were a few cows actually FIGHTING right next to matt’s passenger door, and the animals kept flooding around the hood and past our windows. it was a sea of beef. angry, wild beef.

i swear, i will never look at those chic-fil-a billboards in the same way again.

after a while, the stampede subsided, and reno (the driver) shouted, “my car! is my car ok? OMG OMG OMG.” we looked around at the doors and hood, but it appeared to be unscathed. meanwhile, matt and i kept looking at each other, eyes bulging, screaming, “I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED.”

when the coast was clear of wild cows, we drove up to the junky trailer to pay the old man (don?) our entrance fee. he took our money and chuckled, “sorry ’bout that. them cattle broke outta their pen! har har har!”

oh HA HA HA HA. yeah. great. hilarious. i love backwoods humor.

matt dared robin to tell don that we were “from the city,” but she didn’t. i think she was still recovering from her near death experience with a (future) hamburger.

the tubing itself was extremely peaceful, although robin did tip over and lose her prada sunglasses. she’s from the city, you know.

the OTHER amazing thing that happened is i saw a sneak preview of stardust, the new movie based on neil gaiman’s novel!!!!! henri and i went to the half-ass-a-thon at the alamo, which was a shortened version of the butt-numb-a-thon that harry knowles puts on every year. basically, harry compiles a marathon of movies, some of which are old and extremely rare/weird, others of which are sneak previews of big upcoming films. i’ve never wanted to sit through the whole show (read: i would “pull a sarah” and fall asleep after a few hours), but i figured i could make it through the HALF-ass-a-thon.

well, i didn’t make it. i left after the second movie. hey now, it was like 11:45! i was le tired!

anyway

i’m SO GLAD i saw the first half, cos i got to see “stardust”!!!! i’ve been dying to see this movie, cos first of all, neil gaiman is a genius, and second of all, it has claire danes and michelle pfeiffer and robert deniro!! it’s about a boy who yearns to be something greater than a shop worker, and when he crosses the wall that separates his town from “the unknown,” he runs into a star that has fallen to the earth (in human form). when i saw the trailer online a few weeks ago, i totally swooned.

now, i know that claire danes isn’t as cool as she was back in her my so-called life heyday. she went from being the sweet, virginal juliet to a husband-with-a-pregnant-wife stealer. and when that pregnant wife is the badass mary louise parker? L TO THE AME, claire danes. i thought we were bffs, but i guess i was WRONG. GAH. I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I WROTE IN YR YEARBOOK.

so, yeah, i miss my sweet claire. fortunately, this film proves that she can still shimmer and shine (har) almost as brightly as she used to. you guys, she is LOVELY in this film. absolutely. lovely.

and YES SHE IS RIDING A UNICORN.

ok, claire, maybe you can come to my next sleepover. only if you bring yr unicorn.

michelle pfeiffer plays a fugly old witch who, with her two sisters, likes to cut open animals and use their innards to see the future. ugh, gross. whatever happened to the crystal ball?

anyway, she eats part of a star to become beautiful again, so we can all be reminded that even at the age of, what, 70? michelle pfeiffer is still totally gorgeous.

robert deniro is probably my favorite character in the movie, but i don’t want to tell you why, cos it will sort of give it away. just trust me when i say that this is pretty much the opposite of travis bickle.

oh and did i mention the hottie you see to yr right? that’s tristan, played by charlie cox.

NEW CRUSH ALERT.

look how he’s protecting her!!!! le sigh.

anyway, i loved this movie. i loved it to BITS! it’s a fairy tale, and it’s just the right blend of magic and humor and absurdity. it’s also, i think, rather innovative, which isn’t surprising due to neil gaiman’s role.

i believe it comes out in august, so keep an eye out for it. it’s truly a cinematic gem.

did i mention THERE IS A UNICORN?

there’s only one, though. no stampedes.

LINKS

i already loved this song, but the video? it’s kinda like donnie darko. but COOLER. i swear.

ever seen a tractor stand-off? ever seen one, bollywood style? what? you don’t want to yr life to be complete? oh, ok.

this high school junior is my new hero. suck it, bill o’reilly!