with great power comes great responsibility. just ask the streets.
so, even though i still have two more years of grad school, i’ve just
experienced my latest professional achievement: ordination.
that’s right, xangaland. i’m now an official minister… of the universal life church.
which means i can order a “mini clergy package,” featuring, among other holy things:
- imprinted ordination credential certificate, with printed gold seal, suitable for framing.
- deluxe credit card style wallet credential
PRINTED GOLD SEAL?!!! DELUXE credit card style (!!) wallet
credential?!!! wow. that would make me feel waaaay more official and
capable of exorcising demons, performing circumcisions, etc.
ye olde high school friend becky asked me to officiate her wedding, and
so, because i love her deeply, i underwent the grueling process of
getting my pants ordained.
picture a training sequence from “rocky.” then picture the random
person in the background, just hanging out and maybe drinking a beer.
that was me.
like i said, whew!
anyway, i’m excited about my new profession. but with success comes haters. and by haters i mean josh.
last night, we filmed the pre-show for the “da vinci code.” without
giving everything away, i’ll just say that it involved henri, josh and
i stuffing our faces with communion wafers. now, some might consider
this blasphemous behavior, but it’s NOT. hey, i should know. i’m
clergy, yo.
anyway, i think josh is a little unsettled by my newfound spiritual wisdom. here’s our email exchange from this morning:
JOSH:
life church, i feel like you’ve changed.� You’re not the same person,
and I’m scared.� I’m calling the Cult Intervention Hotline.�� I’m just
worried that some day, before you know what hit you, youre going to be
Wife Number 8 for some “compound representative” and start every
sentence with “My Lord and My Husband say…”STEP BACK FROM THE BRINK NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE
ME:
why are we so hilarious?
JOSH:
that’s like asking why butterflies are pretty.� We are very specially
evolved creatures who have developed survival mechanisms allowing us to
cram the funny into people’s laugh-holes.� this allows us to propogate
our genetic line.
ME:
so, does this mean that if you and henri had kids, they could cram 500
communion wafers into their mouth-hole instead of just 300?
that’s freakin’ holy.
i think my survival mechanism involves pants.
speaking of evolution, now that i’m clergy, maybe i can start solving mysteries! just like father dowling!
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