Poshdeluxe

[actually, i'm currently listening to my road trip mix, but you can't
buy that on amazon--� yet-- ... so this is an excellent
substitute... and why am i listening to my road trip mix? because, dear
reader, i'm FINALLY POSTING ABOUT THE ROAD TRIP! sweet fancy moses!!!]

[also, click here for an excellent and much more articulate account from meredith's point of view]

[p.p.s. this is really long. so take a bathroom break now. and maybe grab a little debbie or two. otay? otay]

ahem.

so.

THE LITTLE ROAD TRIP THAT COULD
wherein posh d. and marla hit the
road in a red car named thomas to travel across the country and tell
2005 to kiss their sweet arses.

december 27, 2005
track 1: the postal service - such great heights
austin to el paso

first thought: � THIS IS FINALLY HAPPENING!!!
second thought: wow, there’s a lot of dead deer on the side of the road.
third thought: holy hell. seriously. what is up with the deer?

meredith: let’s play a morbid counting game!!!!!

rounded total: 50 (sometimes we only counted half if the body was,
like, really decomposed. gross. i know. but we were just trying to be
accurate).

conclusion: this traffic sign represents a bird’s eye view:

notice how the west texas wind gives meredith hammer pants. 2 LEGIT!

track 2: pete yorn - for nancy
everything is already all right.

we pull into el paso as the sun sets and search for the mesa inn,
recommended by rock star erik…. hello, only $25 a night! for two
people! i know! and how could you pass up a place with this sign?!!

you can come stay! “with friends”!

alfonso (i think that was his name… crap) was the cutie working at
the front desk who told us to check out lucy’s for some cheap mexican
food and then two bars where he “might meet up with” us later.
excellent. his accent was even cuter than his fauxhawk, especially when
he told us about a bar called cuba, which he pronounced, “koo-bah”.

i know, right?!

turns out, the bar is actually spelled, “koo-bah”. ha. and in spite of
the portrait of ché on the wall, the jukebox was terrrrrrible (one
word: creed) until MJ came on and of course, saved the day. $3
you-call-its made for a v. v. pleasant evening. oh lovely.

december 28, 2005
el paso to phoenix

track 3: michael penn - no myth

tip: if you’re going to write a song, don’t date yrself by mentioning black jeans. ok? ok.

the driving just gets easier as the sky turns a deeper shade of blue;
the conversation only stops for some singing and car-dancing.

favorite billboard: “silver city: 11,000 YEARS OF CULTURE!!”

guys, that is a fucking catchy motto. just try it. with anything. and you’ll see.

every mile or so, we see a billboard for “THE THING? MYSTERY OF THE
DESERT!!!” and of COURSE we’re going. plus there’s a dairy queen
attached! who can say no?!

ok, so the outside merely HINTS at the enigmas within…

such as a “torture scene” carved entirely of wood by a v. v. strange
man named ralph gallager who may have eaten too many lincoln logs as a
child. seriously, when i’m done with this post, i’m googling that guy.

the text on the sign reads: “this very special exhibit depicting
ancient methods of torture is the only one of its kind in the world.
each piece is carved from solid wood and represents an investment of
many thousand dollars.”

AWESOME.

the rest of the rooms were filled with “very old” things like “a very
old gun” and “a very old french painting” and “a very old mahogany
table.”

my other favorite sign was posted above a tremendously ugly abstract painting: “a russian scene as depicted by an englishman.”

INCREDIBLE!!!

ralph gallager, thank you for giving thousands of tourists the chance
to see such incredible and enduring pieces of the human legacy. for
only $1!!!!!

we arrive in phoenix, check into the premiere inn and had a delicious
dinner at a place called mimi’s. back at the premiere inn, we enjoyed
some excellent whiskey, some veronica mars and a long phone call with a
good friend.

track 16: liz phair - why can’t i

sleep comes quickly and effortlessly.

december 29, 2005
phoenix to las vegas

track 4: the cars - just what i needed

this is it:

hello, america. you don’t seem so bad when it’s just you and me.

the driving really doesn’t get old. neither does the conversation.

we finally near the border to nevada and hit… lots and lots of
traffic. lots. i mean, wow.� everyone’s trying to get across the
hoover dam… but no one else had a dance party for two straight hours
while waiting, now, did they? NO, THEY DIDN’T. thanks to the BNARDT
mix, we forgot about the time and even caught a few people filming us
with their video cameras. look for this exclusive performance, coming
soon to the internets…

[i'm serious]

finally FINALLY we made it to LAS VEGAS.

vegas vegas vegas vegas VEGAS!

welcome to poshness at the paris:

um, i think i just stepped in a puddle of POSH DELUXE!

matt (meredith’s boyfriend) arrived and was treated to a rushing flood
of roadtripspeak that was barely intelligible. but, being the awesome
guy that he is, he too was soon heard yelling, “11,000 YEARS OF
CULTURE!!” and “DOUBLE TRUE!”

track 5: the cardigans - lovefool

mmm. whiskey. go on and fool me. please.

we headed over to the bellagio for the YUMMIEST CRAZIEST BUFFET, EVER.
in� the end, i mainly focused on the macaroni & cheese. i
mean, it was like my freaking DREAM to be able to just eat as much mac
& cheese as i wanted. although i think matt had a better dream cos
he ate 5 desserts.

also i got to see ben and liora for about 10 minutes, which was random and cool.

the bellagio had some super sweet holiday decor, like this polar bear made from CARNATIONS:

you may be asking yrself: who cares about the carnations– why does
meredith look like psychotic killer doll? well… we kept seeing this
little girl posing for her parents’ camera… and she was doing all of
these dramatic ballet poses… so… yeah. we’re bitches.

joining the group: randy and tiffany, who *also* happened to be in the area. small world for $500, please.

matt’s brother, michael, arrived, and our group was complete! matt had already determined that we would be hitting the gold spike casino,
located in the “old” (read: sketchy) (read: taxi driver told us, “you
guys don’t belong down here”) section of the strip. matt discovered the
place on a website called cheapo vegas, which described the casino as
such:

“The
blackjack is pretty good with 3:2 payouts on naturals, but the dealers
are new and tend to deal slowly and make mistakes. Point out when they
screw up and cost you, but keep your mouth shut when they screw up in
your favor. Be forewarned that this casino is dirty, cramped, very
smelly and, to some people, a little scary. We call it charm.”

track 6: britney spears: toxic

yeah, there was LOTS and LOTS of charm. and by charm, i mean $1.50
drinks. or free drinks, if you’re gambling. or, in my case, pretending
to gamble. i’d hold a quarter above the slot machine whenever i saw the
waitress coming by… i know, it’s sad. but hey! results!

meredith sat next to me and actually *played* the slots. i think this picture makes her look like she’s in a space ship:

no, no, there will be no star trek jokes here. thank you.

other members of the space ship crew:

1) officer unibrow (seriously. it looked painted on. i am not kidding)
who demanded that we tell him we had driver’s licenses. no, he didn’t
ask to see them. he just wanted us to swear that we had them. so we did.

2) crazy homeless lady who hovered over matt at the blackjack table and told
him, “i got a jack of diamonds when i was sitting there one time!”

ah, charm.

track 7: MSTRKRFT - two more years (bloc party remix)

reeking of smoke, we returned to the poshness of paris like the
privileged white people we are, only to find that… we couldn’t sleep.
this might have had something to do with the “AWAKE” caffeine pills
that matt kept pushing on us.

stupid “awake” pills.

track 8: fatboy slim - wonderful night
(purrrrfect theme for vegas)

december 30, 2005
vegas to san francisco

having four drivers instead of two is pretty nifty. especially boys who clean yr winshield and pump the gas.

does this make me old fashioned?

here’s a great shot of fritz, thomas’ bff, catching the view from the
dashboard. notice the highway sign… [ominous music]… barstow… 111
miles… little did we know…

this “city park” should have been our first clue:

the “park” contained an old train engine, a tank, and empty, rusted placards.

i felt really patriotic while taking this polaroid.

track 19: brendan benson - pledge of allegiance

starving, we stopped at the “barstow express” (note: that is a big fat
lie. express my ass) for lunch only to find ourselves TRAPPED in some
sort of redneck mall where time stood still. example: i waited 20
minutes in the panda express line. people, panda express is NOT worth
20 minutes of yr life. believe me.

rather than referring to it as a hellish black hole of time suckage, i call it: the fugly wonderland.

meredith almost got in a fight in the bathroom with some old asian
lady. i’ll spare you the scary details, but yeah. barstow is full of
the bad voodoo. STAY AWAY.

track 9: junior senior - can i get get get

we got got got the HELL out of the fugly wonderland and almost died when we saw this billboard:

“thank you for visiting barstow: the crossroads of opportunity!”

yeah, opportunity to SUCK IT.

after that, things got a lot better. plus there were windmills. many, many windmills.

we arrived in san francisco around 9:30 PM and checked into the
charming maxwell hotel near union square. meredith and matt visited
with some old friends, but michael and i crashed after dinner at a
nearby diner. barstow done near wiped us out!

december 31, 2005
san francisco

oh san fran, i heart you.

our foursome wandered around union square for a bit of the late morning and marveled at the fact that WE MADE IT.

union square, like the bellagio, was still decked out for xmas, so
meredith and i took a picture by a hugeass real (seriously) tree:

inside our heads, we were singing the flashdance theme:

“TAKE YR PASSION! AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!”

cos, you know, we did.

track 15: inxs - never tear us apart

the fabulous seth and stacey picked us up for some CRAZY DELICIOUS dim
sum in chinatown. this one waitress kept trying to get us to eat some
random shrimp thing but all i cared about were pork clouds and sesame
balls. sweet, sweet sesame balls.

after dim sum, the rainy weather miraculously cleared so that we could enjoy the view from the top of the parking garage.

oh precious boys, i lurve you.

the coolest part about the garage (no really, there was a cool part) was that each space had its own fortune. see?

[and no, we did not park in this space. that would have been wrong, and yet... then the fortune would have come true, no?]

i really liked this one:

holla! and soon to be on the outside…

after a stop at ameoba records (oh sweet cracker sandwich, an hour was
not long enough for all of that musical goodness), we bid adieu to seth
and stacey and got ready for NEW YEAR’S FREAKING EVE.

key ingredient: champ cans!!!!!

you may be wondering about the myspace wristband… i’ll get to that later.

we took a cab to firefly,
the most WONDEROUS and MAGICAL restaurant, where henri’s friend j.
works. he is super nice and even bought us a bottle of wine! it was
waiting on ice when we got there!!! awesome pants!! since meredith’s
friends were running late, we drank it all before they got there.

cos punctuality matters.

yay j.!

so, um, to say that the food was amazing… would be wrong. it was SO
INCREDIBLE. if you want to torture yrself, go to the site and check out
the menu. holy hell.

unfortunately, meredith and i thought that the best thing to do with
such marvelous food would be to order another bottle of wine. cos we
are smartie pants.

after dinner, we took a cab to loft 11, this dance club and got myspace wristbands. which made me laaaaaugh.

track 10: the beastie boys - shake yr rump

that’s pretty much what we did. oh yeah and consume free drinks. and
apparently i did more of the latter. eventually meredith started giving
me plain coke, which i made everyone try. “guys! this drink is SO GOOD.
holy crap!”

here’s me, telling 2005 to suck it:

apparently i had a REALLY GREAT TIME. until 10:30. when i decided that
sleeping was the best policy. poor michael had to take me back to the
hotel. thank you, michael, for being so nice.

track 11: janet jackson - nasty

miss pants if you’re nasty!

so, yeah. i rang in the new year from the hotel room then promptly fell asleep at 12:10. cos i am awesome.

it didn’t change the fact that 2005 was finally, FINALLY over. OVER.

a-men.

january 1, 2006
san francisco to vegas

track 12: guns ‘n’ roses - sweet child of mine
(a serenade to the new year)

breakfast with j. at the coolest little diner, ever.

amazingly enough, we all felt pretty good. tired, but good.

driving driving driving

back in vegas, matt had made us reservations at a casino called the orleans, which we all (secretly) feared would resemble the gold spike. thankfully, it was more like a big, cheesy, tourist mecca.

key ingredient: a coupon book that gave us free drinks at several bars within the casino.

best ingredient: killian’s angels

remember that hotel band in “lost in translation”? well, when these
celtic ladies got up to the stage, meredith said, “good evening. we’re
salsalito.”

no truer words were said on the trip.

and THEN, when they started a cover of “tubthumping” (my favorite bar
song, natch), i ALMOST HAD A STROKE. it was like, the indigo girls had
appeared before me! in a blaze of vegas glory! plus, by this time, a
drunken “fan” guy had gotten up on stage to “sing” with the band. he
also happened to be in the military… after we watched him dance a
little, meredith started yelling: “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL!”

later, we played a little drinking game in the room with lots of
home-made rules. i, for example, forced everyone to say “pants” (IN
CONTEXT!) if they got a spades card. i’m sure this comes as a shock to
all of you. meanwhile, meredith made us call each other funny names
(matt was princess sofia). and matt made us take off an article of
clothing for every use of profanity (meredith immediately put on
mittens, scarves and jackets after this rule was announced).

when matt started to take off his pants, the game mercifully ended.

thank you, orleans, for an excellent night of music, merriment and nice bathrooms.

birthday tip: a killian’s angels t-shirt.

january 2, 2006
vegas to phoenix

we said farewell to the boys and began our trek back to the fair state
of texas. maybe it was the new year… or the fact that it was back to
our original duo… but the day felt charmed. enchanted. and when we
saw the sign for the grand canyon (100 miles out of our way), we looked
at each other and knew IMMEDIATELY what to do.

track 13: counting crows - mr. jones

thomas got us there right before sunset… so we could stand, arms
linked, and look out over the rocky majesty… and just be. breathe and
pray and hope and wonder.

[two pairs of orange shoes]

anyway. wow. yeah. never have i felt so inarticulate.

track 14: the cure - friday, i’m in love

january 3, 2006
phoenix to fort stockton

after some hardcore sleep at ye olde premiere inn, we stopped for
coffee at a nearby barnes and noble… and met the most incredible
person of our whole trip.

here’s the scene:

sarah and meredith pants exit B&N with coffee/tea in hand.

a late 20-something (early 30’s?) girl approaches from the parking lot.
her hair is in 3 buns on the top of her head, and she’s wearing denim
overalls with big buttons sewn on, a scarf, combat boots, a dress over
it all, and a hello kitty backpack.

basically, it looked like she’d been lost in a rave since 1998.

rave girl (barely able to make eye contact): “uhh… can i get a cigarette?”

m&s: “no, sorry! we don’t have any!” (continue walking)

rave girl: “SHUT UP!”

m&s: “…”

rave girl: “LISTEN. don’t even TRY to buy drugs from my friends. cos
you guys are DONE in this town. i’m a drug dealer! and you are FINISHED
in PHOENIX. FINISHED!”

m&S: “um. ok. we won’t try to buy drugs from yr friends.”

rave girl: [unintelligible muttering as she wanders away]

sarah: “that girl has no idea how famous she’s about to become…”

it’s too bad we’re finished in phoenix, though.

track 18: e.l.o - livin’ thing

that night we stayed in fort stockton, where little meredith pants
spent some childhood years. she even had a pet tumbleweed named “chubs”.

[we took this polaroid on the way up but whatever. accuracy smaccuracy]

fort stockton is, well, wee.

fortunately for us, the lady at the motel 6 had this valuable
information: “well, there’s a new restaurant down the road… it’s
called the IHOP.”

i briefly considered inserting some ideas here for what IHOP could have
stood for in ft. stockton but… i will refrain. needless to say, this
place was PACKED. i felt like we got to see the whole town: there were
folks from the church choir, tons of high school kids, some old couples
and the cutest waitress in the entire world who was excited cos they’re
finally getting a movie theater!!! sweet fancy moses!

that night, we watched “for love or money” [hey now. that is a quality
film] on meredith’s little dvd player and marveled at the fact that our
trip was almost over.

track 20: the flaming lips - fight test

january 4, 2006
fort stockton to fredericksburg to austin

we made it to fredericksburg with enough time for a little shopping and some excellent german food. and beer. duh.

then… we were back in austin. the city was holding its breath for the rose bowl, and i found that i had released mine.

track 17: death cab for cutie - the sound of settling

and so there you have it. the little road trip that could and did and
soared and blew a gracious kiss to 2005 and looked, unblinking, into
the eyes of a new year and the prospect of a few good resolutions…

track 18: erasure - a little respect