Poshdeluxe

so last night, i did something a little out of the ordinary. well, maybe more than “a little”. ahem.

i participated in a little dating show called “chemistry 101″, produced by the alamo drafthouse downtown.

yes. you read that right. i wrote “dating show”. roll yr eyes. gasp with shock. laugh yr arse off. i’m fo real, yo.

and it was just as HILARIOUS and RIDICULOUS as i had hoped.

see, last friday, i was reading the weekly alamo newsletter when i
learned that they were looking for people for the next episode of
“chemistry 101″, which is basically yr typical dating show without as
much of the bullshit and jacuzzi shots. i thought, “well, now, THAT
would make a good story.” little did i know that my fabulous and
devious co-worker, meredith, sent in my info as a possible
contestant!!! yeah, she’s that cool (although i may have had a moment
of doubt when…)

i got an email on monday telling me that i had been selected for the
show and to report to the alamo drafthouse downtown at 4:30 PM on
tuesday (the very next day!!).

needless to say, meredith had a bit of explaining to do… but we both
agreed that it would a SCANDALOUS adventure, a definite must.

still, i wondered, “what the hell am i getting into?”

all day on tuesday, i worried. what if i look like an idiot on camera?
what if my date is super freaky and i can’t think of anything
interesting to say? what if my pores look huge on film?

needless to say, by the time my friend kelly dropped me off in front of
the alamo, i was a bizarre mix of anxiety and “what the hell”. it helps
that kelly brought me a little bottle of jack, just in case i needed a
friend. i definitely took a swig or two before walking into the theatre
(and yes, it helped).

oh and did i mention the “rockin’ ride” that was sitting out front?

it only gets better. check out the inside:

note: the area on the left side of the picture, black astroturf trimmed with faux pink fur, holds a massive ice chest.

ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE SAY, “WHAT WHAT!”

so i walk in and meet kelly, the ultra-hip 30-something event
coordinator, and henri, the mid-20’s (?) indie film buff who is
directing this shindig. they tell me we’re waiting for the camera guys
(kent and jeff, who i called “sassy pants” for most of the night cos,
well, he was sassy).

then i meet george, my “date” for the evening. it was love at first sight!!

HA HA HA. riiiiiight. to be frank, it was like, “uh, eh” at first sight.

now now now, don’t feel sorry for george. trust me. by the end of this
story, you will have rolled yr eyes at him at least a hundred times.

george is 22, brown hair, glasses, basically yr non-descript dude.
let’s put it this way: if he robbed a bank, the police sketch artist
would get nowhere. he would never be found. he just blends in. well,
looks-wise. personality, now, that’s a different story. um yeah.

THEN i meet nicole, the other dater. i had no idea there would be more
than two people, but after the first ten minutes, i was SO THANKFUL for
nicole’s presence. did we bond as kindred spirits? no. nicole is a
blonde, curvy massage therapist from arkansas who loves to party.
nicole is the MOST AWESOME CHOICE for a dating show. this is the girl
that mtv would drool over. she will act like an idiot with NO ALCOHOL
in her body. so you can only imagine what happens when she *does* start
drinking…

so henri tells us that nicole and i will be “competing” to “win
george’s affection”. i had to smother a snicker (and i think nicole
snorted). i could tell henri was trying not to sound sarcastic.

our episode will be paired up with a showing of “the princess bride”,
so henri and kelly patterned the date after bits from the movie. here’s
the plan: take the “rockin’ ride” to mt. bonnell for a little wine
tasting (no iocain powder, thanks) then head over to a gym for some
fencing lessons (gah) THEN enjoy a nice dinner at the castle hill cafe
(guess which part i was most excited about… no, no, the wine’s a
close second, fool).

so, we all pile onto our party bus and… it doesn’t start. the rockin’
ride is not quite so rockin’. or workin’. this was a definite omen for
our date. and it really made me relax, honestly, cos it confirmed how
fun and ridiculous this evening would be. george and nicole and i sat
around and “got to know each other” while someone attempted to jump the
rockin’ ride (imagine the spectacle). i got really hot. so i’m sure on
camera i’ll be all pink and glisten-y. oh well. probably no one will
notice cos

NICOLE AND GEORGE KEPT SAYING THE DUMBEST THINGS.

here’s some sample conversations from our first HALF HOUR together:

****
posh (p): so, george, what kind of movies do you like?

george (g): well, see, i was an RTF guy at UT for a while, so i’m
definitely into fringe film, like “metropolis”. [george looks straight
into camera] this is a note for the alamo folks: show more artsy films
at the north theater, please!” [ed. note: george did this the ENTIRE
night. it was like he thought it was "the george show" and he kept
looking at the camera and saying stuff to "the folks in the audience".
GAAAHH]

nicole (n): OH MY GAWD i LOVE “the notebook”. have you guys ever seen
that? oh my gawd. i totally cried my eyes out at the end. then i bought
it on dvd and cried some more. oh my gawd. it is so good. i wish my
life was like that!!! WOW! sigh.

p: (momentary silence) um, well, have you guys seen “amelie”? that’s one of my favorites.

g: uh no i haven’t caught that one [right, right, mr. RTF pants!!]

p: well, it’s this awesome french� movie and–

n: wait, does it have SUBTITLES? because, um, i don’t DO subtitles. no way.

p: uh… yeah. it does. sorry.

****
p: so, what kind of music are you guys into?

g: well, i like a lot of really “out there” bands. you probably haven’t heard of them.

p: uh, try me.

g: well, i’m a HUGE fan of suzanne vega.

p: … uh, yeah, i’ve heard of her.

[henri and kelly erupt into laughter from the back of the bus]

****
g: so where do you guys like to hang out in austin?

n: i kinda go wherever. i just like going out. i love sixth street!

p: really?

n: yeah but i’m taking it easy lately. a few months ago, i got alcohol poisoning TWICE in one month!! can you believe it?!

p: uh no.

n: yeah, it was pretty bad. i was like throwing up for four days straight both times.

g: wow. that’s bad.

n: yeah. i was at buffalo billiards with some girlfriends and i just
kept tossing them back. i was doing fine until i went to the bathroom
and I COULDN’T GET OFF THE TOILET. i swear i was hugging that toilet
for at least 3 hours before the bouncer carried me out of the club. my
pants were still down around my ankles. isn’t that hilarious?

p: uh, you know they’re filming this, right?

n: oh whatever, i don’t care who knows! i’m so over it!

[kelly and henri again erupt into badly smothered laughter]

****
so yeah, our ride over to mt. bonnell was, well, a special bonding time.

we climb up the stairs (nicole has a little trouble in her heels) and
sit down at the stone table with dana, a rep from ambiente wine
distributors. dana will definitely be the coolest person on our
episode. she was totally awesome. she’s pretty and cool and she knows a
TON about wine. we got to taste a lot of really nifty wine (i’m going
to be searching for a few of these bottles at central market– dana
said most of them are under $15. see why i love this woman?). george
did this whole “i know everything about wine” act, in which he felt the
need to ask dana questions about the types of grapes and regions of
italy and ice wines of germany and all kinds of shit. this from the guy
who on the bus told me that he likes wine IN A BOX.

riiight. jeff the camera guy (sassy pants) did actually ask dana what
she thought about franzia. that was pretty funny. also note that the
entire crew was drinking wine as they were taping us. talk about
professional!! ah i lurve the alamo.

[amber i did in fact mention you in this segment, just as you requested]

afterwards we carried all the open bottles of wine down the steps, and
some random tourist guy took my picture (i was two fisting it with
bottles).

we get back on the rockin’ ride (amazingly it started) and put the wine
in the handy ice box. henri starts pouring wine for all of us (extra
for nicole– good directing strategy) but i didn’t drink any cos it
kept spilling all over the place (damn bus). which is fine, cos i was
DETERMINED not to get drunk and act like an ass on camera. i just held
my cup over the aisle, but nicole did attempt to drink hers with
varying results (thank goodness it was white wine).

on the way to the fencing place, george proceeds to tell us everything
we didn’t want to know about fencing cos, of course, he used to fence
too. gahhhh. nicole just kept trying to drink from her cup.

we reach our destination and meet eric, our french fencing instructor.
i feel bad for this guy, cos he is totally legit and we are just a
bunch of idiots. nicole and i run off to the restroom, where she
proceeds to poke her head over the stall (!!!) to tell me that she is
totally crushing on henri. ah, the twists and turns of reality tv!!

we have to put on these plastic breastplates, and i feel like madonna.
kent keeps zooming in on nicole’s breastplate. then we put on these
vest/shirt things and nicole accidentally knocks over all of this
equipment while trying to get her leg through the strap. yeah. it was
awesome.

we learn how to advance and parry and attack or whatever. it’s kinda
fun but the helmet/mask thing makes me feel like a beekeeper. plus we
have to wear this glove on our sword hand and this glove IS THE MOST
DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER TOUCHED. it has been worn by thousands of
other sweaty germy people. it smells worse than a junior high locker
room. it makes my hand SMELL LIKE ASS (and i told the camera this
numerous times).

so, i’m basically focused on making sure i can take the glove off as
soon as possible. nicole and i “fight” and she wins, easily. thank
goodness. eric says i should have attacked more, and i tell him i’m a
pacifist as i rip off the nasty glove. gaaahhh. there isn’t enough
antibacterial gel in the world to make me feel better (but i did have
some in my purse, of course).

then, nicole and george fight and SHE TOTALLY KICKS HIS ASS. it was
AWESOME. george is all, “well, i’m not sure i agree with that last ref
call but it’s cool, this is all in fun”. WHATEVER. nicole’s just
jumping up and down with her sword, which scared me a little.

we get back on the bus and sassy pants (jeff) pours more wine for
nicole. i pass and pull out my little jack daniels bottle (the only no
spillage option. obviously). henri thinks this is HI-larious and makes
kent do several close-ups of me taking a swig from the bottle. i bet
they’ll splice it in throughout the episode so i look like an
alcoholic. nicole gives me major props for drinking it straight. i give
her props for not spilling a lot of wine. yeah.

then kelly pops in a karaoke disk and “oops, i did it again” blares
from the speakers. all eyes turn to nicole. aw yeah. and… she takes
the bait.

guys, i cannot describe to you the pure SPLENDOR of nicole’s
performance as britney spears. it was… incredible. she even did some
moves from the music video. holy cow i can’t wait to see this on the
actual episode. henri was LOVING it and had the camera right up in her
face. and therefore nicole was loving it cos she was digging henri. ha
ha ha. every time jeff pointed the other camera at me, i just shook my
head (laughing) and pointed at nicole.

people. these are the moments reality tv dreams are made of.

we made it to the castle hill cafe,
a really nice (austin posh) restaurant (the website sucks but trust me,
it’s awesome). fooooood!!! yay!!! i was STARVING. i bounded out of the
bus and walked in with the camera guys. everyone stared. maybe they
thought i was in “the real world” (currently filming in austin, btw).
yeah, i felt famous. we sat down and the crew set up cameras so they
could sit at another table and eat too. damn. i soooo wanted to sit
with them instead. i felt like i was stuck at the little kids table.
gaaaah.

fortunately, there was really yummy food, so soon posh was happy. i
could have cared less about the conversation but i definitely
contributed (george kept talking about history and travel and all kinds
of shit that he apparently is the AUTHORITY on. nicole’s eyes glazed
over).

i went to the restroom (ahh silence), and henri cornered me with the
camera after i walked out. “so, sarah, what do you think? how’s the
date?” i said it was fun but that there was OBVIOUSLY no chemistry.
“so, if george picks you, what are you going to do?” i said that george
was nice but there was no way.

henri (h): so, after a bottle of jack, would you make out with george?

posh (p): no.

h: two?

p: uh, no.

h: three?

p: um, hello, i’d probably be in the hospital by then. after two bottles i’d at least be passed out.

h: would you pass out on george?

p: what?!

h: would you?!

p: um, i guess if he happened to be laying where my body landed, yeah, i guess i would.

h: ah i see.

p: you’re weird.

so after dinner, it was time for the TRUTH to be revealed!

henri gave us little white boards and asked george to write his choice
(or neither) of who he would like to go on another date with. then he
asked us to write yes or no (if george asked us). i think the answers
for nicole and i were uh pretty obvious but henri made a valiant effort
to make it sound dramatic.

finally, we gathered in front of the camera. george revealed his board:
“SARAH” (sarah shivers). george turns to nicole and tries to “let her
down easy” by telling her he had a wonderful time, blah blah blah.
nicole could not give a shit. then, sarah flips her board: “No. Sorry. But I had fun! :)” (yes i did draw the sad and smiley faces… i
felt bad). then nicole flips her board: “NO!” yep. no connections here.
shocker!!!

BUT

WAIT

it’s not over.

well, we all thought it was over. except george. who suddenly says, “i
have a suprise for you guys”. henri looks up, alarmed. george pulls out
his wallet and gets a picture out. “the joke’s on you cos i’ve got a
GIRLFRIEND!” he flashes the picture for the camera. nicole and i
collapse into laughter. henri looks on in disbelief (as if to say,
“there is no way you have a girlfriend”).

yeah, george. joke’s on us. riiiight.

it was just, too awesome. seriously. what a FANTASTIC TWIST!! after
nicole and i stopped laughing, we gave george a really hard time (on
camera too). i was like, “george, what if i had i said yes?! what if i
had fallen for you?!! this would have been a CRUEL BLOW.”

the best part is that he was really taking us seriously. “well, girls,
i would have given you the gift certificates.” (a “successful”
connection meant that the two daters would go out again with a pair of
gift certificates).

wow. talk about awesome.

so that was the end of our “date”. once the cameras were off, the crew
totally stopped pretending that they liked george. it was kinda sad,
really. nicole just kept trying to flirt with henri as we drove back to
the alamo. she didn’t seem to get that he wasn’t interested now that
the show was in the can. maybe it was that buffalo billiards story…

so, my friends, there you have it. this episode will be aired at the drafthouse downtown on may 8th.
i can’t wait!! there’s even a Q&A (i can only imagine what the
audience will be asking us… fortunately i’m probably the most
“boring” on film so i think i’ll be treated as the nice normal
person… hopefully).

if you live in austin, i’ll see you there. oh and you can meet george’s girlfriend too!!

as henri said later, “i’ll believe it when i see it.”