ok, so last nite, after a free showing of “a mighty wind” (wha happened?!) and yummy cake at empire… my friend jessica got mugged. my sweet, red-headed, gentle friend had her purse ripped off of her arm by some guy 3 times her size in the middle of a dark neighborhood street.
i’m SO thankful that i was still in the parking lot so she didn’t have to be alone. and, in a weird way, i’m thankful that i was mugged last summer, cos i knew *exactly* how she felt. i could empathize with the jolting sensation of mental and physical violation. listening to jessica and remembering my own feelings made me want to throw up, and then jump in my car and run the motherfucker down.
fortunately, jessica was not physically harmed, and she didn’t really lose anything *incredibly* valuable. she had her cell and keys in the other hand, which was SO fortunate. so we plus her friends erica and colby went to brasil (empire was closed) to help jessica unwind a little while her parents drove down to pick her up.
afterwards, i got home and told hilary what happened. such a dramatic event, combined with a bit of sleepiness, yielded an EXCELLENT NEW idea for TELEVISION PROGRAMMING.
inspired by the theme of the LOVE BOAT, we decided that the next great step for reality TV will be:
THE BASTARD BOAT
this is how it will work: we’ll ask the american public to send in profiles of all of the major assholes that they have (unfortunately) had contact with. we’ll pick the top 20 or so, and tell them they’ve won a spot on a new reality TV show (we’ll make up some false preface, much like the creators of joe millionaire). the group of assholes will then have to spend�3 months aboard the U.S.S. Bastard (well, we’ll tell them it has a different name to maintain our little secret), interacting and basically giving each other a taste of their own medicine. meanwhile, the american people will become glued to their sets, watching all of the mean people become more and more angry and turbulent, trapped on a gleaming white ship in the middle of the pacific ocean. special bonus: the show will feature cameos of famous assholes every week, like fred durst or mark mcgrath from sugar ray. yeah!
it’s like a modern version of the collesium (sp?), without the lions and stuff. we’ll all watch gleefully as the bastards tear each other to pieces.
who would YOU nominate for the show? all i gotta say is: jessica’s mugger will the the 1st passenger on the BASTARD BOAT.�
congratulations, you asshole.
Comment Pants