Poshdeluxe

music for the trail, brought to you by dolly parton (obvs)

URBAN HIKE!!!!!

so, a while ago, josh, kc, henri and i decided to go on an urban hike.

basically, like an onomatopoeia, an urban hike means what it sounds like.

and yes i did just write onomatopoeia.

anyway

henri called it:

GRAND THEFT OREGON TRAIL

supplies:
pioneers (us)
food (optional, cos you can buy it on the way)
drink (optional, cos you can buy it on the way)
money (so you can do the above)
camera (so you can post about it on xanga)
pick-up service (so you don’t have to walk aaaaaall the way back)

here we see three brave travelers, at the starting point.

why yes, kc’s camelback is full of lone star. that’s cos we, like boy scouts, are v. v. prepared.

challenge #1: CROSSING THE DITCH

although we had the option of bartering with an Indian to take us
across, we opted to ford the ditch ourselves, even at the risk of
drowning and/or severe snake bites. eeeee.

whew! that was close, but we made it. bonus points for everyone staying alive.

hike hike hike

mystery #1: WHO DRIED UP ONE SIDE OF THE CREEK?

perhaps we’ll find more clues along the way…

(note: open container laws don’t apply on the trail. the frontier is a v. lawless place, full of wild men and loose women)

i looked for arrowheads to no avail (zero bonus points).

suddenly, we came upon the statue of a saint! perhaps left to mark the grave of some unfortunate traveler.

we asked for blessings for our journey but chose not to leave a lone star offering (must conserve supplies).

the trail can really change people. josh, once a fine, upstanding lawyer, was reduced to a recklass outlaw. see?

no regard for the rules of society whatsoever.

hike hike hike

the trail is relentless and often rocky.

challenge #2: HUGE RAVENOUS BEARS

we narrowly escaped a gruesome fate by climbing a tree…. all of us, except one.

kc was later found in the bears’ den, being raised as one of their own.
we rescued her just in time by distracting the bears with henri’s
dancing. 100 bonus points!

there are many strange characters along the trail. one must constantly
be vigilant and wary of things like “colorful shirts” and “balloon
animals.”

we stumbled upon the largest birthday party i have ever seen (two sheet
cakes from HEB… such opulance!), a beautiful reminder that hope and
joy survive in the wilderness.

however, this party brought with it…

challenge #3: THE CUTEST KIDS, EVER
(otherwise known as the Sirens of the Pease Park)

the party was populated by thousands of children, all attempting to
distract us from our mission with their adorability and waddling walks.

here we see one siren attempting to hypnotize us with some sort of tribal balloon animal dance.

sure, they look innocent, but this little girl probably has dysentery.

we run to the Swings of Mercy to escape (and to refuel).

whoah, that was a close one.

sometimes, pioneers leave marks and symbols to aid future travelers along the way. the possible translation of this drawing:

“poisonous flowers may lead to brain fever and tooth decay. BEWARE!”

a sobering sight, to be sure.

hike hike hike, towards the light…

josh considered establishing his homestead inside of this hole, but we
talked him out of it (which was hard, cos look how excited he is!). the
dampness would have probably caused consumption.

towards the end of the trail, we discovered a secret hideout, perhaps
used by outlaws or dangerous Indians. unfortunately, i can’t display
any pictures of this place, cos then it wouldn’t be our secret hideout
anymore. obvs.

but here are the steps leading down to it…

the rumor is that jesse james used to flee to this place after robbing
banks and cheating at cards. as you can see, he left his mark.

hike hike hike

and… what’s that in the distance?!!!… is it… is it the promised land? the end of the trail?!!

YES!!!! we have reached the glittering oasis of town lake!!!!!!

WE WON!!!!!!

now we can build log cabins and shoot all of the buffalo so the Indians don’t have any.

kc and i celebrate the moment on the pedestrain bridge, with the glorious city behind us:

beautiful art reminds us that we have returned to civilization.

(mermaids by marielle)

we feast upon the native food at maudie’s and discover the wonder of a
beverage called mar-ga-ri-tas. a million billion bonus points!

however, the journey has not left us unscathed. i fear that josh may
have eaten a poisonous flower or two, as evidenced by the appearance of
his new friend, jennifer lopez. on his hand.

yes, the price of the trail is high. but we hope to cure him with the careful application of more mar-ga-ri-tas.

GRAND THEFT OREGON TRAIL NEW HIGH SCORE: PANTS WORLD!

try and beat us, weenies.